Disappointment. Those eyes that are looking at me show that particular word. Please don’t look at me like that.

“Here you go.”Don’t say it like that. ”I am going now.” Please don’t go.

My mind doesn’t cooperate with me anymore. Words I want to say, things that I want to do. I can’t.

I want to cry but I don’t feel anything. I want to get up and go but I can’t. I want to say something but I can’t. My mind doesn’t listen to me anymore, it’s working on its own. I hate it. I hate myself. I hate it.

***

“She’s gone crazy. “ Yeah I know I have. Day’s don’t exist for me anymore. How does the sunlight look like? I forgot everything. There only is night and loneliness. Nothing more.

“She didn’t! She just needs time. She’s fine” No I am not friend. Are we friends? I don’t remember us talking. It must have been long ago.

“Tiffany! She is crazy! Just look at her! Sometimes I think she’s dead. She doesn’t talk, she doesn’t move! She only eats! It’s not normal.” Well I go to toilet but it’s when everyone is asleep.  Why? I don’t want them to see me, to start questioning me. Night is like a blanket to me. It’s warm and it protects me from cold, which is reality.

“She’s not! She’s fine!” Don’t cry for me. Don’t pity me. Don’t care for me.

***

“Please go with me. Just please. They will help you.”

“No Tiffany.”

***

“Please go. For me, for us, for SNSD, for SONE.”

“I will go”

***

“You didn’t. Why? You promised! Please! Just please.” Don’t cry.

***

“He said if she will be like that, she will have to leave us. So I want you to know that you should prepare yourself for her departure from group” That door slamming was necessary you know? Managers those days.

“So.” Yes so.

“I don’t want that. I want her to stay.” I want to stay too Yoona. But.” She doesn’t deserve that”

“You are right she doesn’t but it’s her choice. She could go to that doctor Fany picked but no. She didn’t” I was scared.

“Can’t we just, I don’t know? Try again? Maybe now she will realise that if she won’t it’s the end.”

“Sunny is right! We should. Can you do it Tiffany?” Even thou I am not there I just know those 7 pairs of eyes are looking at her. My best friend. The one and only best friend  of 10 years. We went through everything together but can we do it whit it?

“I am. I mean, I will try. Everything to keep us together.” I know you are smiling. That eye smile of yours I miss it.

***

“I am here to tell you that it’s your last call. If you won’t go with me you, you will not be with us anymore. I don’t want that! I just don’t want my best friend to leave me! Please! Can’t you see that everybody wants to help you? I hope tomorrow you will be standing here ready to go. Bye Taeyeon.”