The problem is that Minseok is impossible to hate. He’s not only cool, kind and sincerely good, but he’s also the oldest hyung of the group that Sehun is contractually obligated to work with for the foreseeable future.

Minseok never loses his temper the way that Kyungsoo does when Baekhyun gets exceptionally irritating. Minseok never forgets to pick up more bubble tea when they run out like Chanyeol does. Minseok never leaves his laundry in the middle of the floor, always washes his own dishes, and, most of the time, he lets Sehun turn the channel if it’s just the two of them watching television. Hell, Minseok even carries around pain medicine in case Jongin injures his back at a performance or Yixing accidentally twists his knee while practicing.

Kim Minseok, or Xiumin as the company insists he be called, is nothing short of perfect. In fact, the only thing that Sehun can honestly say he hates about Minseok is that Luhan loves him.

“You okay?” Joonmyun asks softly as Sehun looks at anything other than where Luhan is whispering in Minseok’s ear on the other side of the table. Luhan used to tell Sehun all his secrets, once upon a time. “You’ve been really quiet since you got out of the hospital yesterday.”

“I’m fine.” Sehun smiles and shoves an eggroll in his mouth.

It’s a lie, but nobody needs to know that. They have enough to worry about with the comeback showcase coming up. The group doesn’t need his stupid feelings messing everything all up.

Joonmyun doesn’t look like he believes Sehun, but he lets the matter drop when Jongdae drags him into a discussion about headphones. Sehun is silently grateful as he halfheartedly builds a mountain out of his rice and then destroys it with his chopsticks. A vindictive sort of pleasure comes from seeing the mini-destruction on his plate.

Tao snorts out an unattractive laugh at something Kris is saying to Chanyeol. Baekhyun imitates Tao mockingly. Kyungsoo laughs, leaning into Jongin’s shoulder to hide his smile, and Jongin accidentally flings sweet and sour sauce everywhere as he points his chopsticks at Baekhyun with a chuckle. Yixing joins in after everyone else has quieted down, always late to the party because he’s constantly daydreaming. Luhan is sitting sideways on the bench across from Sehun, Minseok practically cradled between his legs as Luhan tries to get closer to whisper some more.

Sehun bitterly remembers when that had been him, and then, even more resentfully, he realizes that he’s wrong.

It’s true that back before debut and for months after, Luhan had been glued to Sehun’s side. They used to have inside jokes and a stupid secret handshake. Luhan had always sat next to Sehun during airplane rides or going to and from music shows. They’d shared a lot of late night snack runs and an unhealthy bubble tea addiction. Most of the time, they’d even shared a bed, even if it was only to sleep. Sehun can vividly recall the first time he’d woken up to the older boy’s arm slung over his waist and their feet tangled together. (It was also the first time he’d realized how beautiful Luhan was, despite the slight drool dampening his lips and the obnoxious way he snored.) There had been late night confessions where Sehun admitted that he was scared to be an idol, afraid he was making a huge mistake, and Luhan admitted that he missed China more than he’d ever thought possible and sometimes wished he’d never left his home to begin with. Luhan never made Sehun feel like a worthless kid just because he was the maknae, and Sehun never was able to view Luhan as just another hyung.

Luhan was the first person that Sehun ever fell in love with.

Unfortunately, Sehun was not someone Luhan ever loved as more than a friend. It had only taken a couple of months for everything to change. By the time M had come back from their promotions in China, almost all of Luhan’s texts mentioned Minseok this and Xiumin that. He called less and less, was always distracted when they did talk. At the dorms, Luhan stuck by Minseok constantly. Eventually, it was just easier for Sehun to not try at all.

So no, the way that Luhan leaned closer, lips brushing over Minseok’s ear as the eldest hyung’s cheeks turned pink from whatever secret was being said, that wasn’t something Sehun had ever had. That had never been him. Luhan had never stared at him with blatant adoration. Maybe with the proud smile of an older brother, but not as someone precious, someone necessary.

Sehun thinks he had been pretty close to being able to ignore his feelings until the accident. He’s spent months forgetting the way Luhan’s eyes sparkle when he’s happy, and the way he frowns so adorably when someone calls him cute. He’d just about moved past the painful emptiness of his bed at night. But the dream that he had while he was in the hospital had brought everything back and made it a thousand times worse. He couldn’t remember specifics of it, but he knew he’d been with Luhan. He knew they’d been happy and so in love that it made his chest tight just thinking about it.

“This ,” he mutters. The food gets shoved away, a complete mess but mostly untouched. Somebody else will eat it.

Luhan must hear him because he suddenly stops his damned whispering and turns forward, looking concerned and eager to help. It just makes Sehun feel worse.  

“Are you feeling okay, Hunnie?”

The nickname stings like a sharp blade drawn across his heart. He’s amazed that he manages to keep from flinching. Instead he shrugs, seizing the opportunity to escape.

“Just a little light headed. I think I’m going to head back to the dorm to rest.” He avoids Luhan’s worried gaze and taps Joonmyun on the shoulder. The leader pauses in his discussion with Jongdae to give his attention to Sehun. “Hyung, I’m going to go back now.”

“I thought you looked paler than usual,” Joonmyun chastises gently as he begins to stand from the bench. Sehun starts to protest; he doesn’t want to be babied all the way back to the dorms. He only wants to get away for a little while. He wants to forget, just for a few minutes, that Luhan and Minseok are a thing in real life.

Before Joonmyun can begin to pull on his jacket, Yixing and Jongin are there, standing on either side of Sehun and appearing perfectly innocent and responsible.

“Hyung, let us take Sehun-ah home,” Jongin begins, forcing Joonmyun to sit back down. “We’ll make sure he’s taken care of.”

Joonmyun is going to protest. He side-eyes Jongin suspiciously, trying to stand back up and failing when Yixing leans down to flash him a dimpled grin.

“I’ll fix him. Don’t worry so much.”

And well, it’s really hard to argue with Yixing. He’s just so laid back.

They’re supposed to be taking a taxi, but Sehun wants to feel the cool, early spring air. It’s not often that they get to walk around without managers, bodyguards or crazy fans.  It’s refreshing to be able to breathe without flashes in his face and strange hands groping at him.

He doesn’t realize that he’s stopped walking until Yixing stands in front of him. The hood of his jacket has slipped down, the cool breeze ruffling his blond hair and making him shiver. Yixing smiles and readjusts the hood, playfully patting Sehun on the shoulder as they begin walking again.

“I know it’s terrible, but we need to keep covered up, Sehun-ah.” Yixing is staring up at the darkening sunset. If he hadn’t said Sehun’s name, he might have been talking to himself. It’s almost impossible to see most of the stars in the city, but Sehun thinks the sky is still beautiful. “You know what’ll happen if people see us out here.”

“Oh god,” Jongin groans, rubbing his face tiredly. “Don’t even make me think about that. I think I’m getting war flashbacks.”

From his side profile, Sehun can see Yixing grin. It’s infectious.

“Remember that one time when the girl tried to follow you to the bathroom at the airport?”

Jongin groans louder and shoves Sehun’s shoulder. “I thought I was going to die in there! If Kyungsoo hadn’t shown up, I probably would have.”

The three of them laugh about it as they walk. It’s not funny, not even a little bit, but there’s nothing else they can do. They can’t tell the fans to back off without looking like jerks, and the company really hates it when they do something to damage their image. That particular incident was just one of a hundred. Sometimes it felt like the fans forgot they were people, and instead viewed them as objects to touch and use. It made him feel dirty.

But then there were the fans at events that shyly asked for autographs and told him that their music brightened even the most terrible day, fans that said they somehow helped them through difficult times just by making music and dancing. When he heard things like, he didn’t regret his decision to become an idol.

They are quiet as they walk, sticking close together and avoiding strangers. The city at night is lit up and beautiful. The heavy scent of food hangs in the air even though the street venders are blocks away. Traffic is loud and Sehun’s head does hurt just a little bit, but he’s enjoying himself for the first time since he woke up from his dream about Luhan.

Jongin makes the executive decision to stop at a convenience store when they’re close to the dorms. He makes a beeline for the candy while Sehun debates between strawberry and cherry flavored gum. Ultimately, he chooses cherry because strawberry is Luhan’s favorite. When he gets to the register, Yixing is waiting already, mask covering half his face and hood up over his hair. Sehun is surprised that the cashier doesn’t think they’re going to rob the place. Yixing gestures for Sehun to put his gum up on the counter, and then he pulls out his wallet and pays wordlessly. Finished, he grabs a brown paper bag filled with whatever else he’d bought and hands Sehun his gum.

They stand just outside the door while they wait for Jongin. Sehun wonders if he should go back in and get him. Jongin could spend all day looking at sweets that they’re technically not even supposed to eat.

“Thanks hyung,” he says as he shoves his hands in his pockets. The air is slightly colder since the sun went down. He smirks, unable to understand what just happened. “It’s almost like Joonmyun-hyung is here.”

“No,” Yixing laughs, “he would have offered to buy you the whole gum shelf.”

Sehun nods. Joonmyun was generous to a fault. He still wasn’t sure if it was because Joonmyun thought that’s what being a good leader meant, or if Joonmyun was genuinely that nice of a person. Maybe it was both.

There are three stars just over the horizon line. They’re dim, barely visible through the city haze, but they make Sehun’s chest feel lighter. Yixing leans against the building beside him, their elbows bumping together, and stares at the sky with a distant gaze.

After a few moments of silence, Yixing begins talking.

“When I was fifteen, I met the girl of my dreams. She was smart, talented, funny and beautiful. Her smile could stop my breath, and when I held her hand for the first time, I’m pretty sure that I cried a little bit.”

His voice is even. There aren’t any inflections, only a small hint of sadness barely detectable, but Sehun knows how this story goes. He’s heard it many times since Yixing joined the company, but he’s never heard it from Yixing himself. It’s something private, not a secret but something that is important to Yixing, something valuable that is being shared.

“I loved her with all my heart.” Yixing smiles weakly, staring at the three stars like they can take him back to that time. “Unfortunately, I couldn’t be with her and follow my dreams. When she found out about the offer from SM, she broke up with me. I wasn’t going to go, even after that, but she wouldn’t talk to me, wouldn’t even look at me. She swore she’d never speak to me again if I didn’t accept the offer and become a trainee. On the night before I left, I waited outside her house for hours. When she finally came out, she was smiling. She told me that she was proud of my decision. She said she’d always love me, but that I needed to move on.” Yixing exhales out a shaky breath. His shoulders are slumped, tired in a way that is more than physical. “We watched the stars together until I had to leave in the morning. She said that’s how we’d remember each other: distant, perfect stars shining down.”

Sehun doesn’t know what to say to that. He’s only ever been in love once, and it had been one-sided. It’s a love that he’s still not sure how to deal with.

Apparently, Yixing doesn’t need Sehun to say anything at all.

He lays his hand against Sehun’s shoulder and pulls him into a hug. Sehun doesn’t know what to do for a moment, his arms hanging awkwardly at his sides. Finally, he gets over the surprise and returns the hug. Yixing could use the comfort, after all. But the longer they stand there, pressed together, soft and warm, the more Sehun starts to feel. His heart, hanging precariously in the tattered state it’s been left to, crashes to his gut. He gasps a choked back sob. The tears begin to prick at his eyes, and he knows he shouldn’t cry but it hurts so badly.

Yixing’s arms tighten around him. Sehun feels like he’s drowning, being dragged down and held under by his sadness, but he knows he’s safe as he weeps into Yixing’s chest. Yixing will pull him back up.

“I know it’s hard, Sehun-ah. It’s so, so hard to have your heart broken. It hurts in ways that can’t be expressed with words. And I know it must be a billion times worse for you, having to see them together every day.” Sehun hates the way his body crumbles a little bit at hearing his situation spoken out loud. It’s so damn pathetic. Yixing laughs humorlessly, angry on Sehun’s behalf.  “Sometimes I see them and I just want to punch Luhan right in his face because of how oblivious he is. Can’t he see that it’s hurting you? Is he really that blind?”

Sehun struggles to step back enough to take a peek at Yixing face. He’s never seen him look so upset before. Spaced out, goofy, smiling, tired and annoyed he’s familiar with. But this is something entirely new.

He wipes his nose against the back of his sleeve, ignoring how gross it is in order to talk. “Hyung, you can’t punch anyone.” He sighs and steps back again. “Besides, Luhan-hyung isn’t the one to blame. I never told him how I felt. I never even hinted that I wanted to be more than friends.”

It’s Sehun’s fault and that might be the part that breaks his heart the most.

There are fresh tears falling that Yixing wipes away with a gentle touch. He invades Sehun’s space, moving closer and backing him against the wall so the stranger walking around the corner won’t see their faces. He leans in and Sehun’s breath stops, catching painfully in his throat. His heart thunders in his ears and he’s so confused about what’s happening.

Yixing’s lips touch his own for hardly a second. Sehun doesn’t know what’s going on, has no idea how to untangle his feelings at the moment, but he does know that it was nice. The brief kiss has his mind spinning, turning and conjuring images of the two of them kissing again. He almost leans up to try, but Yixing backs away looking serene.

“That’s what I was trying to tell you with my story, but I didn’t get to finish it,” he says quietly. The tips of his ears are pink. It’s cute. “It hurts to lose someone you love, and it will always hurt. I think about her at least once a day still. But it doesn’t hurt in the same way, any more. It’s not unbearable. And, eventually, I fell in love with someone else.”

“W-wha-”

Sehun is shocked. Extremely flattered, incredibly confused but mostly shocked.

Yixing smiles shyly, his adorable dimple making Sehun’s stomach flip. “I don’t expect you to return my feelings right now, Sehun-ah. In fact, I’d probably have to refuse if you asked me to go out right this second. You need time to heal your heart, and I don’t want to end up as a rebound guy.” He carefully leans forward and kisses Sehun on the forehead. “I’ll work on making you fall for me. I don’t mind waiting.”

Sehun can feel his cheeks burning red. His voice seems to have taken a vacation, leaving him with no way to communicate except for nodding. He’s never really thought of Yixing like that because he’s always been in love with Luhan, but now that the thought has been put in place, he thinks back to all the times he’s admired Yixing’s dancing or singing or playing the piano.

Yixing is right. Sehun can’t just get over Luhan in a day, and he wouldn’t want to use someone to make it happen. He can’t imagine waking up one day and not feeling hurt anymore, but as he looks at Yixing’s hopeful face, he can’t help but wish it could happen.

“Guys! Guys, look at all the candy I got!” Jongin comes around the corner of the store holding a giant bag. Yixing steps away inconspicuously. If Jongin notices the weird atmosphere, he doesn’t comment on it. “Help me sneak it past Chanyeol-hyung and I’ll split it with you both.”

“Fine, but I get the first pick,” Sehun laughs as they begin the walk back to the dorms. Jongin protests at first; however, he quickly relents when Yixing threatens to tell Kyungsoo that Jongin’s the one who leaves the cap off the toothpaste.

On the way, Sehun’s hand brushes against Yixing’s more than once and not entirely accidentally.

As the days pass and become weeks, they have to get serious about the comeback. They’re not allowed to go out often, unless it’s for official events, but Yixing manages to sneak Sehun down to the café a few times. They spend most afternoons practicing the new dance even after the others leave. Sehun begins to appreciate the lines of Yixing’s body and the smooth way he moves. Normally, they’re too tired at the end of the day to stay awake, but a couple of times they get to watch a movie. Yixing falls asleep and his head ends up on Sehun’s shoulder. Sehun doesn’t want to move him, and they both end up awkwardly sleeping on the couch.

Yixing is sweet and funny. Sehun isn’t in love with him, but he thinks he might like him a little bit.

They have the showcase which goes better than expected. There’s a lot of press, fan signs and interviews afterward. After an Inkigayo performance, Sehun ends up in the van with Luhan pressed against him since they had to leave quickly in order to avoid the mob of fans. It causes an ache in his chest to have Luhan’s face so kissably close, but after the first few minutes, Luhan cracks one of the inside jokes they used to have, and Sehun feels something loosen in his chest as he laughs. He has dinner with Luhan and Minseok at a restaurant away from the dorms. It’s painful to see them so happy together, but at the same time, Sehun is happy for them. They’re both his friends and he wants their happiness.

When he gets back that night, Yixing slips into his room. Sehun doesn’t cry, but he feels a lot better when Yixing curls up behind him and falls asleep.

M has to go back to China for a couple of months after that. Sehun is worried that the fragile thing growing between him and Yixing won’t survive, but it’s a pointless fear. Yixing calls at least once a day and is always full of excitement and stories about China. He's quiet during one call, and Sehun finds out that Yixing ran into his old girlfriend at a concert. Sehun worries that Yixing’s feelings have changed, but that’s also a pointless fear.

When the whole group gets together again, M finally returning to the dorms after almost four months, Sehun greets Yixing with a hug and a huge smile. He feels happy, light and free. When he sees Minseok peck Luhan on the cheek as they unpack, he feels a tiny twinge of sadness, but he’s able to smile genuinely for them.

He goes to sleep that night with Yixing in his bed again. The older boy is already asleep, snoring softly beside him. Sehun smiles to himself and places a soft kiss to Yixing’s lips.

He’s ready to try.