A/N:

Hi~ ^.^

So yeah it has been forever since I last updated and I'm sorry *bows*, but I can't do anything about it anymore -__-           I was blanning to have a relaxing summer break but then, BOOM! I started to get depressed and had a lot of mood swings, which caused this chapter to happen!

I don't know if I should post this now or read it a couple times and decide to work on it more or just leave it like this, but since I haven't updated for such a long time, you have to bear this chap with me (U v U)

And as I said, I had a LOT of mood swings and it probably shows in this chapter....I'm not sure thou...well whatever!

I hope this doesn't totally dissappoint you even thought it can be a little ty...:(  I promise that I will at least try to improve in updating more and writing better chapters but this is all I got right now!

Love you~<333

~JaeHwa~

Kibum's POV

I slightly opened my eyes and glansed around my room. It took a while from me to register that it actually was my own room and our bands dorm, and when I realized it, I sighed out of relief. So at least I had gotten back home...but how exactly?

I started to think about yesterday. I had went to see Woohyun and then I walked back, well at least tried to walk back. I had gotten that weird message and then...

No no no no no no~~~....it couldn't be possible could it? And how did I get back here then?

I shook my head and buried my face in the pillow, tossing around on my bed, until I heard the door opening.

"Kibum-ah, are you awake yet?"

"Yeah Onew hyung...what is it?"

"Well just that you should come to eat. The breakfast will go cold..."

I sprung up to sitting position, my eyes and mouth opening in disbelief.

"...you're not possibly saying that you guys, actually made breakfast??" I asked slowly, trying to think what could have happened to them.

Onew wore a blank expression and nodded slightly, as if he didn't really see the point in my question. I stood up and walked a little closer to him.

"Are you alright? I mean...you cooked? Not that there's something wrong with that, just...you just seriously never cook anything"

I was confused. Like really, really confused. For someone else this could have looked ridicilous, but for me it was kind of a shock. Because they never did any houseworks. Literally, never. I always cooked, cleaned, washed their clothes, and just did everything.

"Yes, we're alright, but are you alright? Oh wait, don't say anything. It would be better if we were all togeher to talk so let's go"

Okay well this is just weird...

Even thought I had no idea what he was talking about, I obeyed and followed him to the kitchen, where the other members were waiting, sitting on the dinning table. They all looked kinda odd and different from what they usually were.

Taemin, who would always talk about his dream from last night and eat like a little pig, just sat there quietly, sometimes taking a sip from his banana milk. His expression was somehow worried. Beside him, Minho was eating, looking almost normal, but his dark circles were unusually, well, dark.

And then there was Jonghyun, and his behavior made me super worried and uncomfortable. He was just sitting there. Not eating, drinking, talking or anything. He just stared at nothing and looked like his mind was completely somewhere else. Normally he would be kinda chirpy at mornings, giving me a morning hug and kiss and always worrying that I didn't eat enough for his liking. And now he didn't even seem to notice my precense, or then he just completely ignored it.

Onew sighed and sat me on the table when I was still looking at Jonghyun and trying to think about what the hell was going on right now. Then the leader took a seat beside me and rubbed his temples tiredly.

"So Kibum...where were you last night?" he suddenly asked and I turned my head to his direction, noticing that suddenly everyone's eyes were drawen on me.

"I...what do you mean? Didn't I come back home?" I was confused. Again. What did he mean with that?

Onew sighed again and I saw Taemin's expression showing some kind of disappointment towards me. What the heck had happened yesterday?

"Yes, you came back, but not exactly alone" Minho said and his voice sounded really tired and hoarse. I raised my eyebrow and looked at them all. Someone had came here with me? But why didn't I remeber anything?

"I'm sorry but I really have no idea what you guys are talking about" I stated and started to get slighlty annoyed because they couldn't just tell me what happened last night.
And then for my surprise, Jonghyun talked next.

"Well Kibum, you went out to see Woohyun yesterday right? And you said that you would be back around six a clock, but it was already over midnight and you were nowhere to be seen. Then, it was maybe one or something when someone rang our doorbell. Well of course I thought it was you and went to open the door. It was you, but you had someone with you...I didn't know him but he was a man. And do you know what he said?"

I was puzzled. I had no idea that I had been gone for that long. And...a man had came here with me? What the hell?

"He said that it had been a really fun night with you. And then he left, leaving you at our doorstep"

I was even more than shocked. Fun night? What did that mean? ...No, no no no!  I started to panick after I heard Jonghyun's words. But more than that, I was also hurt. I could feel my heart wrenching at his voice. He sounded disgusted...disgusted about me.

I suddenly realised everyone's behavior. Taemin's dissapointed expression, Minho's dark circles, Onew's words, and Jonghyun's livelessness.

"J-Jjong, I swear, I knew nothing about this an-"

"You know nothing about this, huh? I'm sorry Kibum but neither did I"

"No, Jjong, you really don't understand! I don't even remem-"

"Forget it Kibum hyung! Even I saw it! He even...he even kissed your cheek.." Taemin interputted and I saw little tears glistening in his eyes.

My heart almost stopped at that. I stared at him and felt my own tears starting to flow down my cheeks. Taemin, that sweet kid who never said anything bad about his hyungs or yelled at them, had just shouted at me.

"Ta-taeminnie I swear-"

"Shut up hyung! Can't you see his crying!!" Minho yelled and I got cut off once again.

I was hopeless. First I thought that I would be able to tell them that I sincerely knew nothing about this, but I soon realized, that they didn't even want to hear anything from me. My body went numb. I couldn't believe this was actually happening. Just when I had thought that everything was okay...

"That's enough!" Onew suddenly yelled, everyone turning to his direction, "I know that this situation seems bad for Kibum to say anything, but why are you shouting at him like that? There's nothing proven yet!"

I swallowed and tried to stop my tears, but it was no use. I felt so wronged, and my situation looked really bad even in my own opinion, but still, Onew was willing to listen everything I wanted to say.

"What do you mean hyung!? That man, kissed his cheek. Isn't that enough to prove anything!?" Jonghyun splurted out and got up from his chair, as everyone else had already done.

"I don't even know who that man was!!" I yelled in desperation, a quiet sob making it's way out. Everyone fell silent, besides Taemin who was crying into Minho's chest. The maknae had always hated situations like that.

"Are you ing with some strangers then!?" Jonghyun questioned with such power in his voice that it made me back away from him a little.

I lifted my gaze from the floor and looked at him, my vision slightly blurred from the tears.

"W-what?" I stuttered and wrapped my arms around myself, feeling really unsecure at that moment.

"You heard me Kibum!! I asked if you're ing strangers! And by your behavior, I think that you are!!"

"Kim Jonghyun, that's enough!!!" Onew raised his voice again, grapping my arm to pull me closer to himself. I knew that I wasn't in situation to feel like victim since I couldn't even explain myself, but I couldn't really help but to bury my face to Onew's shoulder and let quiet sobs leave my mouth.

No one's POV

Jonghyun's heart wrenched at the sight. At the sight of his boyfriend leaning onto someone else's shoulder, sobbing miserably. And it was all his fault.

He wanted to apologize from the younger about all he had said. He wanted to hug him thight and tell him how much he loved him and that nothing that had happened was his fault. But he couldn't. He was swallowed by his anger and anything that was said in that moment made his anger rise.

"How could you possibly say that to Kibum!? Don't you think he has suffered enough? He was uncoincious last night. Uncoincious! So thereover you have no right to be accusing him from all this and-" Onew said but got cut off by Key.

"It's enough Onew...I just want to go away..." the feline boy said with almost unhearable voice, making the leader quiet. Even Taemin finally lifted his gaze from Minho's chest and looked at his huyng, this times his eyes showing regret. He shouldn't have shouted like that. He should have listened to his hyung first. Taemin felt horrible at that moment.

"Okay...let's go to my room since I'm the only one who lives by myself" Onew obeyed, walking away with Kibum. The younger one tried his all not to look at Jonghyun, because he thought that the pain would become too much if he did that.

~~~

Jonghyun sank deep into his chair and closed his eyes. It was late afternoon already and he hadn't seen Key at all after the morning. Had he been too harsh? Well of course he had. Everyone, including himself, knew it. He regretted it but he couldn't take it back. He was truly angry and because of the lack of edvience, it was almost impossible to think that Key had nothing to do with anything that happened last night.

Jonghyun didn't want to believe in those things. No, he didn't even want to think about the possibilitys about what could have happened between them. That man and Kibum...

Even thought Jonghyun felt somehow betrayed, sad and angry, he was also just dissapointed. Dissappointed in himself. He had already done this same thing so many times before. He would get angry at Kibum, if the worst happened they would even breake up, but still at the end, Jonghyun would realize and admit that he had been wrong and then they would be okay again. It was tiring and he wasn't sure if it should  be like that...

Knock knock~

The knocking from his door made him snap out of his thoughts.

"Who is it?"

"It's me" Onew said and stepped in, not caring if he was allowed or not. In moments like this, he had to rely on his position as a leader. He sat on Jonghyun's and Kibum's bed and saw the other shivering slightly.

"Let me say it straight...what the hell is wrong with you Jonghyun?" Onew asked with soft voice, which created kind of a conflict with his words.

Jonghyun smirked slightly and rubbed his temples.

"I don't really know hyung...jealousy maybe? The doupt that we shouldn't be together? The thought of that...the thought of that he doesn't even love me like I love him...?"

Onew sighed and smiled a little. Of course he had known what was going around in Jonghyun's head. He had just wanted to hear it.

"But still...why did you say that? It was somehow acceptable to be angry that he came so late and about that man, but....ing strangers? No, I can't accept things like that Jonghyun. Kibum would never do something like that and you should know it very well without me telling you.." a sudden noise from the otherside of the door made Onew fall into silence for a moment, but then he smiled faintly and continued.

"And you should also know that he loves you. He got beaten up because of you, and he even saw it coming. Did he try to do anything about it? No. Because he thought that you were worth it"

"How do you know all this hyung"

"Kibum has told me these things. When we got inside my room, first he cried his heart out and continued saying how much he was hurt...only because of your words. And when I asked for the reason, he told me that. He told me that just because he couldn't give up on you, he got beaten up. Because he couldn't think about not being able to live without you...you can be sure that it broke my heart to listen to these things. He loves you so much Jonghyun, can't you really see that?"

The lead vocalist groaned and run his hands trough his hair. He saw it, at least he hoped so. But this all...did it really have to be that hard? Was it really that difficult to be in love with someone?

"I know hyung it's just that...is it worth it? I know I sound like a jerk but...is it really worth both of us just hurting all the time? I don't really know..."

Onew fell into silence. He was well aware about the person behind the door and he knew that he had already said enough, maybe even too much, but it was really hard to resist yelling everything straight into Jonghyun's face... Actually in the first years of SHINee, Onew had fallen for Key a little bit. But then the feline boy had gotten together with Jonghyun, and Onew had to whitedraw his feelings. But the love he felt never disappeared, it just changed a little. From attraction it changed into something that you would feel for a person that was like your family. And for Onew, Key was like his dearest younger sibling.

"But Jonghyun, that's your problem. That makes no difference to your actions on this morning. And seriously I wasn't going to tell you this but you kinda made me do it. Do you have any idea who that man was? I bet you don't. Only if you knew that he wa-"

Suddenly the door flung open and Key stepped in, eyes bluffy and face wet from tears.

"That's enough hyung! What hell are you doing!? I told you to keep it to yourself..." Key's voice faded away at the end and new load of tears flowed down his cheeks.

"He was who? Tell me! And besides, I thought that Kibum didn't know who it was!"

"Stop talking like I wasn't here! And yes, I didn't know who it was at that moment! You were all suddenly yelling at me, so how do you think I could have possibly thought about any possibilities at that moment!?" the feline boy hissed and glared at the elder who looked slightly buffled about his bluteness all of sudden.

"H-how long were you behind that door?" Jonghyun then asked and looked unsurely at his younger boyfriend. Key's features darkened a little and he smiled bitterly.

"Long enough Jjong..."

"I'm sorry but that's not important right now. The important thing is that Kibum has to tell us what exactly happened to him last night" Onew interputted and stood up, making Key sit on his place. The feline boy slightly glared at the leader.

"I'm not gonna tell it okay? I'm not sure about it and it's my own problem"

"Kibum, look-"

"Why can't you tell it? I'm your boyfriend, Kibum! What could be so scandaulous that you can't even tell it to me?" Jonghyun interputted and by now his voice had changed. He sounded like his life was depending on this. Kibum chuckled a little, making the other two look at him confusedly.

"I just think that it's kinda funny how quickly your thoughts about me change Jjong. I mean yesterday you said you loved me, today morning you accused me about ing strangers, just a few moments ago you said that I'm not worth to get hurt, but what? Now you're already talking about that because we're together I have to tell everything to you? No Jjong, that's not how it goes" the younger boy said quietly, tears already forming in the concern of his eyes. This was just too much for him.

Onew shifted at his place and nodded rather awkwardly, not really knowing what to say, but decided to open his mouth either ways.

"Kibum has a point there.."

"But he has to tell us! He has to tell something I can believe in so...so I don't need to doupt him anymore" Jonghyun whispered the last sentence. He knew it was wrong. He shouldn't have said it, but he still did.

The leader closed his eyes and glenched his fists. That dino is an complete idiot isn't he?

Kibum at the other hand, let another river of tears roll down his cheeks. He didn't even know how he had any of them inside him anymore. He had cried the whole day but somehow the tears never came to an end.

"Do you really think I would tell anything to you after you say something like that!?" The feline boy suddenly yelled, standing up from the bed and starling the others. Even Taemin and Minho had heard it but thought that they shouldn't interput them now.

"Ki-kibum I-"

"Are you ing kidding me Jjong!? I really thought that...that you had already gotten over these things. I thought that you realized things after that WGM thing. After what I said few days ago, when everything went to almost right places. But no...you're still the same. Do you really...do you really hate me that much!?!"

Jonghyun and Onew froze at their places. The lead vocalist had an horrified expression, caused by Kibum's words, but Onew...he just looked dissappointed. Dissappointed and sad. He had thought that he would be able to help these two to settle their relationship, but he had failed miserably. Now their terms were even worse, and it was all his fault. He had told Jonghyun about Kibum getting beaten up, and it was probably one of the worse decicions in his whole life.

"I-...how could you think that...? How could I ever, ever hate you Kibum...?"

The feline boy was a crying mess by now. He was already exhausted about all the crying today but he couldn't help it, his feelings got the better of him.

"You have hated me Jjong...I-I know you have. E-even if it has been just for a moment...still...you have hated me..so it's not impossible for you to c-completely...h-hate me.." Kibum sobbed quietly, hiding his face behind his hands.

Jonghyun couldn't say a thing. How could he have failed that miserably? How could he have made the younger think that he hated him? All he had ever done was simply because he loved him so much...

"I swear Kibum, never, ever in my life have I hated you and...and I hate myself from making you think that way. I- I'm so sorry, Bummie..."

Kibum looked up to the puppy-eyed man in front of him. He wanted to believe his words, he really did. And deep inside, he believed him. But sometimes the other side takes the lead. Maybe it was his mileage this time, he didn't know. But one thing he knew was that it surely wasn't his heart.

"Get lost Jonghyun"

Those words didn't come from his mouth. It was someone else saying them. Kibum's true self was somewhere else, unreachable.

"W-what?" Jonghyun's voice was so thin that the other's hardly noticed it.

The feline boy looked at him again, his eyes hazy and unfocused.

"Get lost Jonghyun"

Again those words came from his mouth but he was sure he hadn't said them. Kibum slightly panicked. What had gotten into him? He wanted to scream but he couldn't. It was as if someone else had taken the lead of his body. He himself was buried deep inside it, unable to do anything.

Jonghyun didn't do anything. No more words could leave his mouth, nor could he move his body. When those words finally hit him he felt like dying. He knew it. He knew that this was all his fault. He had always been an , doupting his lover over something ridiculous. And this is how he had to pay from it. He would lose Kibum again, and this time...he would lose him forever.

Onew started to panick as well. No, this wasn't how it was supposed to go! Not at all...

"Kibum...you don't have to do this.." he started carefully, but when the feline boy turned his gaze to the leader, the latter felt himself sink into sorrow. Kibum's eyes looked so lost. They looked almost dead. He was losing his light completely. Onew's words stuck in his throath. This was becoming too much for him. As the leader he had to take care of them, but it seemed impossible right now.

"I love you Kibum.." Jonghyun suddenly whispered and it made a shiver run trougth the other's spine. Even Onew's. That confession sounded so sincere. His voice reflected his soul completely. Broken and hurt, but still deeply in love.

Something lightened inside Kibum's eyes and his mouth opened into a silent gasp. His head started spinning as memories suddenly hit his mind.

"I would never hate you Bummie...you know I wouldn't"

"...I know that I must be an horrible boyfriend but...but I just can't help it Bummie. I just love you so much, and when I see you with someone else, I just can't help it but to get jealous and doupt that you don't even love me...I'm so sorry Kibummie"

"I love you Bummie"

"You're worth a lot more than life Kim Kibum..."

"Do you know how dangeurous it's to walk outside this late? Exspecially for an idol.."

"...I still...love you so much that it hurts"
 
"Don't worry Bummie...I won't leave you now okay? It just crossed my mind since I felt ashamed about myself. Because I haven't been able to protect you"

"I don't want to forget it because then I could become careless and something could happen to you again!"

*From: Jjongie<333

Where are you? Onew hyung is hungry and we're in kinda trouble because of that...and besides I already miss you like crazy...<3

Come back quickly^^*

Kibum smiled a little at the memories. He knew that Jonghyun loved him, but sometimes it didn't matter. He was still hurt. He was hurt about the fact that his boyfriend didn't trust him.

"I know Jjong, and I love you...it's just...your words hurt me okay? And sometimes they create a scar, and those aren't easy to erase... I have those scars, but I get over them, but now...you opened them again and...I need to heal them...I need time.." the feline boy said and looked at Jonghyun sadly. The latter swallowed his tears and nodded slowly.

"Do you want me to get out of the room then? Do you want me to get lost?" he asked and couldn't help but to sound a little like he had been betrayed. He knew he wasn't but he couldn't help it.

Kibum smiled sadly and shook his head.

"You know I didn't really mean those words, but I'm still sorry that I said them...and no, I don't want you to get out. Let's just...let's just sleep okay?" he said tiredly and then turned his attention to Onew who was still standing beside them rather awkwardly, "I'm sorry hyung, but could you go out now?"

The leader smiled and nodded. Wishing them good nights he walked out of the room and was already at the door when Kibum suddenly stopped him by grapping his wrist slightly. Onew looked at the younger questiongly but the other just smiled brightly, wrapping his arms around the elder's neck in a tight hug.

"And thank you hyung...you're the best!"

"It was my pleasure to help you Kibum, but thanks, I'm happy to hear that" Onew chuckled and hugged the younger back. After breaking away from the embrace, the leader finally leaved the room, leaving the two lovers alone in silence.

Kibum's smile died when the door shut and he bit his lip in a nervous manner. He waited for a while for Jonghyun to say something but when the latter seemed to do nothing to start a conversation, he sighed and opened his mouth to speak.

"Look, Jjong-"

"I'm sorry Kibum...I'm sorry that I have been such a jerk, giving you scars when I should be in the charge to protect you from then" Jonghyun suddenly said, quilty showing clearly in his voice. The feline boy smiled at his words and walked beside him again.

"It's okay you pabo, just as I said, I just need time. Sincerely, I hate you at moments like today and I feel like I can never forgive you but then again...I can do nothing but love you. I love you Jjong and that's exactly why your words hurt me like that, but even if you hurt me, my love will never change, just remember that okay?"

Jonghyun felt his eyes tearing up at the other's words. He felt like a failure. He had hurted Kibum so badly, but still the other said that he loved him and that he would forgive everything he had said. Slowly the lead vocalist pulled the younger one into warm hug, letting all his worries vanish away for a little moment as he felt the other sneak his hands around his neck and bury his face to his shoulder. For that little moment, everything between them was forgiven. For that little moment the whole world was theirs.

But eventually, that little moment broke...

The door to their bedroom was opened violently and the face of an horrified maknae was seen.

"Kibum hyung!! Jonghyun hyung!! He-he's here!.."

P.S. Once again, sorry for my grammar mistakes, try to ignore them if possible even thought they are pretty fabulous     U v U /~