The shaky silhouette of happiness in the back of my mind, disconcerting me as it slowly disappeared. The scene of kids masquerade themselves as someone else was deceiving me. But some of them seems autochthonous. The happiness seems to be there, alive; breathing. 

I was the forlorn kid who never found happiness. The onset was all i feel. Dawn came and i'm facing the threshold providing myself with every braveness i worth. escaping from the darkness of the below world as i step across the circle of denials and fell down, again. 

I sat on my kitchen table, folding my legs and burrying down my face in both of it as I breath silently. Glass were shattered on the floor below me and blood surrounds me. As smoky as it seems, my head was in a daze; in a daze of the past that still haunts me. The freedom I never have and will never get; the confiscated freedom. 

It was almost an irony as of why my parents had given me the name Krystal. I was meant to shine bright in the middle of society; to bring clearness and peacefulness to the people around me but my aura was emitting darkness. I have brought so much hoodoo to other people it's almost cruel to myself. 

The moment she came into my life, the moment i stepped out to see sunshines, the green color of the grass, the beauty of the sand, the blue color of the sea, I thought I was actually made for humanity. But i was wrong; and so was her. She told me that we're all creatures made by God and thus we are special. But she was wrong. We're just small failures that God put together, in hope of making or creating something new, something big. But I was falling apart. 

The picture of the white room with nothing but a vas of flower and a table is still clear on the back of my mind. It was so suffocating but I don't realize how suffocating it was before I stepped out. She used to came everyday and just sat with me every single second that the ticking clock brought and spent times with her telling stories of how beautiful the blue water in maldives is, at how beautiful the God statue in Rio is. And as the days gone by, I learned how to curved up my lips and it turned into something beautiful, something i've never done before; a smile. 

"Butterfly." 

There's no one else who called me butterfly. She told me I was beautiful, she told me everyday like I actually was, like I actually deserved to be called beautiful. She told me, butterfly can't see their wings, they can't see how beautiful they are, but people can. And she told me I emit beauty. I used to believe, i started to have faith in myself, in humanity, in beauty. I started to draw pictures of flower fields and the blue mountains, and the animals that lives in the mountains on the wall. The white wall which was one empty, the room which was one so dark was now painted with colors and love. 

As I walked back there, I realize they weren't pretty drawings. It sure wasn't. I hadn't move my hands for years and I drew them the moment I stepped down from the bed. But she told me it was beautiful. She told me my pictures shone the beauty of the real scenery. And I believed her. 

I opened the window from my room as they creaked. The wind brushing my dirty face and hair was so refreshing; I didn't know what pollution was. She held my hands and pulled me closer to her and told me to look at the stars. They told me they are so far away but it wasn't the point. She told me that I was seeing things or phenomena which happens thousands of years ago, the bursting of the stars, when I wasn't even born, when I wasn't even made; when people still have faith in humanity. 

Today, I looked at her smiling face again, after so long. But it wasn't me anymore. It wasn't the drawing of the flowers, the sound of the wind or the animals, the cold teardrops, nor the stars; it was a lady with black wavy hair, darker than the night sky with a pair of eyes brighter than Maldives' sea. 

She noticed me and I was numb and she turned her head away. I was disappointed or even more than that. But it turns out that she was just a doctor, a doctor who put needles beneath my skin every single day; the doctor who controls my mind; the doctor who's job is to give her patient comfort. She was just doing her job. 

My heart was numb and the world was turning around. And i fall down into the darkness once again. The new world which she has opened up has cracked apart, teared into two and I was falling in between. 

But now that i felt nothing instead of a dark hole, a black emptiness, i began to accept that i was in fact, was never made for humanity. 

I come across a conclusion which always been at the farthest part of my brain. Happily Ever After didn't exist. It never have been. 

At that very moment, i wise up that every part of the silhouette that came and gone was the depiction i've never been able to comprehend. 

But now that i begin to open up, i could gaze at the stars, while they look down at me, shining me in my darkest nights. 

As the wind keep whiffling 
for as long as the sun remains
for as long as the stars illuminate my night
I plegde to keep my head up and face the new universe. 

Universe of temporary happiness.