The morning was welcomed with the sun rays radiating a delightful shine, along with the vast blue sky accompanied by fluffy white cottons. That marked the start of something familiar to the shorthaired brunette. It was a new season, replacing the sweat-drenched summer.

 

Autumn, she knew it jolly well that it was her dearest out of the four. Yet, this particular year, it was not a season to be celebrated… but mourned. She seemed distant, and it was hurting her, as if a sharp arrow had been stabbed into her dead heart. She could feel a dull pang at the back of her chest, as the pain spread throughout the body, rendering her numb.

Numb of emotions. But as much as she would like it to last, she knew deep inside she could not. If only humans could be void of emotions… memories… if only. It had been a year, but the loving memory of him was still vivid in her mind. She wished she could erase and lock it somewhere unknown, away from her. But truthfully, she did not have the heart to do so because…

 

She was still in love with him.

 

Despair enveloped her and she was at a loss of what to do. She could only imagine, but never able to escape the harsh reality. The vows they took upon themselves, an eternal string that tied them together had trapped them into such a situation. Even if she managed to successfully leave every inch of the memories of him behind, the string would pull her back to him.

 

Their love was the key to the lock in her heart.

Their love was the light of her life.

 

And their love was… also the reason why her life came crashing down, leaving her in silence and darkness, alone. She had no longer someone to turn to, a purpose of living and a pillar of strength to prepare her for the bleak future ahead.

 

Nothing, but a painful memory of the past.

 

She stared into the mirror at the corner of the room, into those sorrowful eyes gazing longingly back at her. A reflection of a tear-stained face, swollen eyes and unkempt hair. That was how life was for her, ever since her only hope left her. The process itself was tormenting and immensely hurtful, but she did not have the power to stop it. She moved her gaze to the two shiny silver necklaces dangling around her neck that brought back sweet images of him. A tiny smile crept up her lips, as she read the embedded words on both.

 

Amber Josephine Liu.

And

Henry Lau.

 

 

▲.▼.▲

 

 

With every step she took, the longing and ache slowed her down. The task of walking seemed painfully hard for her as she gradually got closer to his grave. The last time they met was exactly a year ago and she could feel the emptiness right through her whole body. There was no one by her side to touch her, hold her, embrace her, kiss her…

 

There was no one else but her.

 

She held on to a bouquet of flowers and a picture in each hand. As she stopped in front of his resting place (what she liked to call it), she placed the bouquet along with the picture of them near the tomb and paid her respect to the man she loved.

 

Amber kneeled and stared into the distance, reminiscing about the past – their past. She let the song of their love filled the area because she knew, somewhere, he could hear her.

 

“Take my hand…” She could feel the lump in .

 

“Take a breath, pull me close, and take one step.

Keep your eyes, locked on mine. And let the music be your guide.” She closed her eyes as she let her voice (their song) be heard.

 

“Won’t you promise me?” Now won’t you promise me that’ll you never forget

“We’ll keep dancing,” To keep dancing

“Wherever we go next.” Wherever we go next.

 

But you aren’t here for me to keep that promise.

 

Her tears rolled down her cheeks as she sang her heart out.

“It's like catching lightning, the chances of finding
Someone like you
It's one in a million, the chances of feeling
The way we do

And with every step together
We just keep on getting better
So can I have this dance?
Can I have this dance?”

“Henry-ah, you pabo!” Amber scoffed, thinking how ridiculous she was – how ridiculous everything was. She thought she could forget him, but she was wrong. The fact that she could not, even for a second, distressed her. All those years they were together, both thought everything would end with a happy ending. Yet fate had something else planned for them.

 

Amber stared longingly at Henry’s grave, overwhelmed with emotions once again that she tried hard to conceal.

 

“Uri Mochi… It has been a year now, I don’t know if you realise that. You must have enjoyed your peaceful rest without having to hear me nagging and teasing you.” A bitter smile was now plastered on her face.

 

“But don’t you think it has been too long? I miss you so much. Why don’t you ever come back?” And then it hit her. She began laughing hysterically.

 

“Oh right, there’s no way we can be together now. Silly me.” Amber paused and let all those words she had been holding back out.

 

“Can’t you just come back and bring me along with you then?”

 

Amber heaved a heavy sigh, reluctant to part with him. If only she could stay longer… But she would not risk having to wait another year. She did not want to celebrate his death anniversary every year – it pained her. She wanted to be with him and she had to do it now.

 

She groaned, struggling to get up after staying in that position for a while.

 

‘til we meet again, sweetheart.

 

 

 

▲.▼.▲

 

The autumn breeze brushed her cheek, making her shudder. She was standing by the roadside with cars zooming past her, gazing intently at nothing. All she knew was her hand curled into a loose fist, clutching onto the cold metal around her neck.

“I love you, baby. If this is what it takes for me to be back with you, I will do it.”

Amber took a step forward, into the busy road right before her. She could hear cars honking, warning her to step back. Her mind did not agree to this, but her heart was adamant about it. She wanted to be selfish for once. To risk everyone’s lives along with hers just to achieve her wish, she wanted to be selfish. Because the selfless Amber that everyone took advantage of was no longer there.

She turned to her left only to be greeted by blinding lights and an ear-splitting screech. Amber smiled sorrowfully with teary eyes. Her 22 years of life literally flashed right before her, her mind vividly recalled every memory with him. It was as if she took a trip down their memory lane. And the first thing she saw was…

Their first meeting.

The room reeked of alcohol and the loud music was killing her eardrums. She was not one who loved to party or socialize with a big crowd; instead she was a complete opposite of that. Amber would rather stay at home and write than being randomly touched by strangers. But why did she attend the party then, you would ask? She needed to prove something, to everyone out there that she…

 

existed.

 

All her “friends” left one by one when rumors about her started spreading. It was all lies. No matter how hard she tried to explain that everything was false, there was no longer anyone willing to listen. No one wanted to be near her. She spent all her hours in school alone, treated like an outcast. Yet what could she do?

 

She had had enough of everything. All she wanted was to have her friends back, to have someone’s shoulder to lean on, to have someone treat her right.

 

But now… she regretted coming to this useless party. Everywhere she went, people would glare at her as if she was a disgusting piece of trash. It was obvious that she did not fit into the society but she kept trying to. And what baffled her was that, she did not even know why? Why should she conform to society’s definition of human? Why should she care of others’ perception of her? Why should others care about what she was doing? Why should she change herself for the satisfaction of others, and not herself? Why did she feel so obliged to do so?

 

WHY?

 

Amber was on the verge of an awful breakdown, and for once she did – she revealed her vulnerable self to everyone. She felt as if she had lost everything, and nothing was there to hide her from this cruel society.

 

But what happened next was a life-changing moment for her – someone pulled her up, brought her close to his chest while pushing the crowd away, dragging her along to wherever he was going to. She had no idea if that man was someone she could trust, but that was the last thing she wanted think of at that time.

 

As soon as the smell of fresh air entered her nose, she let out a sigh of relief. However, the sobs she attempted to hold back could no longer be suppressed.

 

“Let it all out. I’m here... Don’t worry, I won’t let anyone hurt you anymore.”

 

His voice was nasally yet soothing. He needed not speak, because his aura itself calmed her down. Her eyes travelled up, and she saw the most beautiful and sincere hazel-brown orbs staring at her with a smile.

 

Right then, she knew he was the one, and it was a fact that would always remain the same to her.

 

▲.▼.▲

Their first date.

Henry had asked Amber out after their meeting at the party. Sure, Amber was wary of him because who in the right mind would ask HER out for a date? She knew her place and truthfully she was terrified of rumors circulating. And this time, it would not be just her. She did not want to bring Henry down with her too.

However, he reassured her that she was simply being paranoid and even if something were to happen, he was there to protect her. Amber was hopelessly in love with him by then. He was the reason why she began to open up and learn to trust.

Amber truly enjoyed herself that day and she smiled genuinely, for the first time since forever. She had her life back on track, now filled with vibrancy. He turned her misery called life into contentment. She was grateful for everything he had done, yet could not help but doubt herself. She wished this would last, but she could not guarantee it.

Nothing lasts forever.

She regretted not heeding her own words. She gave all of her to him and had fallen too deep that she was struggling with his death. Because indeed, nothing lasts forever.

▲.▼.▲

 

Their first kiss.

That night, it snowed. It was their first one together, and Henry had planted a kiss on Amber’s plump lips. There was no lust or whatsoever, just love. It was chaste and sweet. Both were savouring every single second of it. After a minute, Amber broke off. She smiled sheepishly, her cheeks crimson red. Henry gave her his famous toothy grin, which made her giggle.

It was her first kiss too, and she liked it. A lot.

 

▲.▼.▲

Those sweet memories gradually faded, one at a time. Soon, everything became a blur and the only thing, or rather person, she saw amidst of it was him. Henry. Time seemed to have ceased. The loud screeching, the busy traffic, the passers-by, the whole world. She was met with tranquility and at the sight of Henry, her eyes twinkled.

“Hello, baby.”

Amber missed that soothing, silvery voice of his. She slowly reached her hand out. Henry ambled towards her with a beam. He stared at her and gave her a light nod. Taking the cue, she caressed his cheek with a trembling hand.

“This… is not… a dream.” Her voice trailed off. She had longed for this moment.

“Baby, please tell me you’re really here. I-I’m not being delusional, am I?”

Henry raised his hand to meet hers, carefully locking their fingers together.

“You’re not. I came here for you. I heard you when you were singing, crying. I saw you when you were not eating, sleeping. I was there with you all along. I wanted to wipe your tears away, feed you, sing you to sleep. I wanted everything to be like before.”

“We both do. But how can I? I’m selfish if I want you all for myself. I know you can never move on, and I was secretly hoping you would not. But really, how can I do that? You should forget me. That’s the right thing to do.”

This was not how Amber had imagined it would turn out. The last few words hit her like ice falling on fire.

“How dare you tell me that! Is it wrong for me to hold onto that little ounce of hope that this is all a dream. That you never died. That we are still together and once I wake up from this awful nightmare, you’re by my side to comfort me. How dare you…”

She slapped his hands off her harshly, eyes turning glossy.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being a jerk, for leaving you alone. But I had to.”

The day he jumped off that building was still fresh in her mind. Amber could still recall how contorted Henry was, surrounded by a pool of blood. She was working at her usual, dull part-time job at the nearby café when she received a call. Her tight grip on the tray she was holding was loosened in a mere few seconds. The mugs of hot coffee crashed to the ground, startling the customers. Her knees were wobbly but she mustered up that little bit of energy left and ran to the scene. The gruesome sight of her boyfriend forced her to turn away.

That night, she cried herself to sleep. He was gone.

All she needed was an answer.

“Why?”

There was a momentary pause before Henry forced himself to reveal the truth.

“I-I… I had brain cancer. I was dying, and I didn’t want you to see me off in that state. It hurt, Amber. It hurt… a lot.” His lips quivered.

“W-what?”

Amber stepped back, gripping her hair tightly. This can’t be it. She was not there when he needed her the most. She left him to suffer alone silently.

And bit by bit, she pieced everything together. The headaches, persistent vomiting, forgetfulness. It became even worse afterwards. He had trouble walking and speaking. And the big fight. They had an argument a month before the incident that left both not on speaking terms.

That explained it. He intentionally planned everything and saved her from the pain.

“But I’m your girlfriend! Which woman would leave her loved one to suffer? I was supposed to be by your side through thick and thin. Did you not trust me?”

“No… I’d just rather suffer all alone than sharing the pain with you. I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“Baby… that’s stupid of you to think that.” Amber locked him in a tight embrace, soaking his shirt with her tears.

After what seemed like an eternity, both let go of one another.

“Now, take my hand and lead me wherever your heart guides you. Because wherever your heart goes, mine will follow right behind.”

Henry gently her hair and nodded.

Amber was welcomed by the blaring screech and headlights once again. She felt a sharp pain as she was knocked over by the car. She could only hear muffled noises by the crowd who flocked around her as she slipped in and out of consciousness. But a man in all-white caught her attention. Her vision was blurry, but she could make out his face. He walked towards her and picked her up. Amber was in pain but she gave him a light smile as she laid in his arms.

As they walked away into the distance, she turned back and stared at the girl soaked in blood. We were meant to be together.

“You did well, Amber Josephine Liu.”

 

 

☮ The End  ☮