Chapter 5

Seung Yoon was getting used to living surrounded by words and sidelong glances.

People on the street stared openly at him as he walked by.

“Is that -?”

“Oh my god, it’s really him!”

“What is he doing here?”

“Wasn’t he in Seoul?

In the beginning, there were only harmless questions. Almost everyone in Busan, particularly the area where he lived, recognized him. There were even requests for autographs and pictures. Seung Yoon refused these as politely as he could. He didn’t want the attention. It made Seung Yoon feel like a caged animal.

Then, the gossip started. Rumors flew that he was turned down by countless companies; that he was supposed to debut with a company but got thrown out after a scandal and countless other made up stories. Seung Yoon hardly even noticed.

He didn’t care what they thought of him.

The people who had known him before acted like everything was normal. Like he never left. Like he wasn’t known as the boy who sang Instinctively. They asked questions about his studies, his plans for the future, and his mother.

None of the talk was about Seoul. All of the talk was about Seoul. You understand.

Sometimes Seung Yoon got so sick of it all.

He didn’t know what he wanted. Seung Yoon couldn’t explain why he ran from Seoul. He had no idea where he wanted to go. And he didn’t understand why the last thing he saw before falling fitfully to sleep was always the deer-like eyes of a pale boy.

****

Seung Yoon remembered the day he arrived back home.

The train station and the cab ride home had been a blur of rumbling engines and scenery whizzing past the window. Seung Yoon remembered feeling tired. Exhaustion seemed to have settled in his very bones, so every move he made seem sluggish.

His mother had been pleased to see him. She had grabbed him in a bone crushing hug and made a fuss. Seung Yoon saw that she had lost a lot of weight in the months he had been gone. There seemed to be great smudges of purple paint under her eyes.

His mother looked old.

The thought surprised him and scared him all at once.

She had always seemed so youthful before.

His mom threw her arms around him and Seung Yoon thought he saw tears swim in her eyes. She hugged him hard and turned away, wiping her eyes discreetly.

His house was small but well lit. The stark light only served to highlight the bare walls. There were a few pictures here and there, but as far as decorations went, that was it. The air in the place seemed cold and unfriendly. Seung Yoon felt lost.

Home, Seung Yoon had thought. He was home.

So why did the place feel so foreign?

Seung Yoon knew that going home was supposed to feel warm and nice, like sliding into bed after a long day. But Seung Yoon just felt empty. He didn’t miss this. He didn’t miss any of it.

Seung Yoon saw his mom waiting for him at their little dining table. He thought of how long she had spent in this apartment, all alone day after day and night after night. She had needed him. And he wasn’t here. Loneliness and guilt stabbed him in the chest like a knife of ice. It was just him and his mom now. He didn’t have anyone else in the whole wide world.

“I made you your favorite, Seung Yoon-ah!” His mother told him, happily as she put down steaming plates of food before him. She proceeded to ask him how were things in Seoul, whether he was working hard and how long he will be staying.

Silence fell as Seung Yoon tried to answer her question. All of the answers he had carefully planned on the way here flew out of his head.

‘Was it always so quiet in here?’ Seung Yoon thought as he struggled to meet his mother’s eyes.

“Umma, I-" The words stuck in his throat. He tried again, “I’m not going back.”

His eyes had been resolutely fixed on the food before him as he said the words but they slid up to look at his mother.

Her eyes seemed to have shattered.

There was no anger there. No disappointment. But Seung Yoon saw the deep well of grief in his mother’s eyes.

Seung Yoon thought of how his mother had half-killed herself when he was younger, buying him his guitar and everything he needed to be skilled at it. She had worked herself to the bone, trying to make his dreams come true. She had always been so supportive, always ready to encourage him.

And now, Seung Yoon knew, she was wondering if she did enough.

“It’s not your fault,” Seung Yoon told her tonelessly. “I – I can’t do it anymore.”

The grief didn’t go away but Seung Yoon saw understanding glimmer in his mother’s eyes. She nodded and gripped his hand hard.

Turning his eyes to his food again, Seung Yoon heard his mom leave the table. The sound of a door shutting echoed through the lifeless apartment.

She was crying, Seung Yoon knew.

He should go and comfort her. It was his duty. He was the one who made her cry.

But Seung Yoon couldn’t bring himself to move. He sat there at the table, his own eyes burning with unshed tears.

****

Slowly, Seung Yoon had slid into the suffocating river of normal life and let himself drown in it. He welcomed the numbness of school; absorbing what the teachers thought and letting everything else bounce of him. He didn’t make friends.

Most of the kids there were people he had grown up with. They were more than happy to welcome him into their little cliques. Seung Yoon saw that they viewed him as some sort of gem; a celebrity to add to their collection of friends, a ticket to popularity.

Seung Yoon remembered how he had fallen into the wrong crowd, how they had played him and used him. Some of those people were the same ones who tried to stick up to him now. Looking at them now, left a bad taste in his mouth.

The other kids weren’t amused when Seung Yoon ignored their efforts to be ‘nice’. So, they stopped and went back to how they treated him before. He managed to numb himself to their renewed taunts and insults.

After a while, the kids got sick of verbal abuse. That’s when he started returning home with new cuts and bruises every other day. Seung Yoon blocked out the pain. It didn’t bother him much. His mother only saw him sparingly on weekdays as she had to leave early to go to work and came home late. So, she hardly saw his injuries.

His mother was working two jobs now. Seung Yoon had offered to get some work to but his mother had been dead against it.

“Focus on your studies,” she had told him.

It’s all you have now.

She didn’t say it but Seung Yoon understood anyway.

****

His guitar stood in the corner of the room, hidden from sight like an afterthought.

Seung Yoon hated looking at it.

It reminded him of the days when he didn’t wasn’t chained to his own life. When he didn’t feel the crushing weight of what-could-have-been pressing down on his chest day after day. The times when he could escape reality using only his voice and that guitar. The nights he had shared with a hoodie-clad boy, his raw voice joining the boy’s beautiful soft one and setting them both free.

God, how did Seung Yoon hate that guitar.

The longer Seung Yoon looked at it, the angrier he got. His hands were curled into fists at his sides and his knuckles were white. He wasn’t as angry at the guitar as he was at himself, he knew.

If only he had worked harder. Maybe if he had gone to more auditions. Why the hell did he leave in the first place?

Seung Yoon couldn’t take it anymore. He grabbed a random book and flung it at the instrument. The book and the guitar fell onto the floor with a loud thud. In the quiet apartment, it sounded like a bomb had gone off.

Seung Yoon’s mother rushed in.

“What happened?” Worry crinkled her eyes when she saw Seung Yoon standing in the corner of his tiny room; his chest heaving and hair falling into his eyes.

“Take it,” Seung Yoon spat out as he walked across the room and grabbed the guitar. “Sell it.” He shoved the guitar into his mother’s surprised arms. “Sell this too.” He scooped up his albums, guitar books and old notes on composing. “Sell all of them. They’d probably bring you more money than I ever did.”

“Seung Yoon-ah,” his mother began softly.

“No!” He cut her off with a wild gesture. His eyes were burning again as he met his mother’s wide-eyed stare. “Just take them and go.”

His mother had left, defeated. Seung Yoon sunk to the floor of his room, wrapping his arms around himself. The four walls of the feebly lit room seem to close in on him. They seemed to mock him with reminders of failure: his superstar K2 contestant number was stuck on the wall, as well as his first train ticket to Seoul. A picture of him performing at a café hung in a corner.

Seung Yoon buried his face in his hands.

He never meant for any of these to happen.

He tried; god had he tried. But he had never been enough. Seung Yoon hadn’t been able to bear it anymore; he couldn’t take another rejection. Another ‘sorry but you’re just not what we’re looking for’. He thought coming here would help. That being a normal boy would somehow make him forget the piercing lights of Seoul and the dizzying rush of performing.

He thought the salt-tinged air of Busan would drive memories of a soft spoken boy with tired eyes from his mind.

But nothing was working.

Seung Yoon felt like his very soul was dead; starved of the melody and harmony that had helped it thrive for so long.

He needed to go back.

But could he really put his mother through that again?

Seung Yoon wasn’t blind. Or deaf.

He heard his mother stumble into the apartment very night. Seung Yoon heard her curses as she fumbled though the darkness, banging on furniture. He heard the clink of glass ringing out in the dead of the night. Every morning, he’d find them in the trash; dark bottles covered with crumpled bills. Seung Yoon’s heart ached with the knowledge that he was hurting his mother.

What could he do?

****

It took him three weeks to gather up the nerve to give the company a call again.

As he listened to the rings, he thought about the comments he had received at his last audition.

You are skilled, but you don’t seem to want this.

I didn’t feel a spark.

Where’s your ambition? I didn’t feel that.

“I’ll give them ambition, Seung Yoon thought grimly.

The person at the other end picked up. The guy recognized his name, thankfully. Slowly, Seung Yoon convinced the receptionist to put the call through to the high ups.

Forty minutes later, Seung Yoon had an audition.

There was a burning hunger in him when he hung up. His dream felt closer than it ever had before and Seung Yoon felt the thirst for it in his throat. It wasn’t just for his mother anymore. Seung Yoon knew that he needed music to stay sane as much as he needed it to be happy.

“Living this life …” Seung Yoon thought, as he shoved his school books aside, grabbing a paper and pen. “It doesn’t feel like I’m alive at all.” He sat there thinking for a long time before finally putting his pen to paper. Words poured put and Seung Yoon could almost hear the melody they were going to carry.

Even as he wrote, Seung Yoon knew that not all of these words for him,

Some were for the boy in Seoul, whom Seung Yoon hoped was waiting for him and he prayed that the boy would forgive for being so stupid.

That night, Seung Yoon waited up for his mom. She started when she opened the door to see him sitting in the tiny living room. He could see her hiding something behind her back. Softly, Seung Yoon told her about the audition and as his mother started to cry, he walked over to her.

Prying the dark bottle from his mother’s hands, Seung Yoon looked her in the eye. “Never again,” he whispered. She nodded and threw her hands around him.

“Never,” she whispered back fiercely.

“Umma, my guitar … do you know how can I get it back?” Seung Yoon asked hesitantly as he wrapped his arms around his mother’s frail frame. The woman made a half-choked sound that Seung Yoon realized was a laugh.

“Did you really think I would sell that?” His mother led Seung Yoon to her room. His guitar was there along with everything else he had chucked out of his room that day.

“This is your life, Seung Yoon-ah,” His mother said as she gripped his hands. “How could I take it away from you?”

For the first time in weeks, Seung Yoon felt himself smile.

****

The air the audition room felt still. It was like being in a stoppered bottle. Usually, Seung Yoon never sweats but now he could feel moisture starting to glisten on his skin. His heart was beating so hard he was sure everyone in the room could hear it. The CEO of the agency stood there, looking at him like he was appraising the work of an amateur artist, his eyes lingering over the flaws.

Seung Yoon didn’t move. His throat still felt raw from his audition. He had never sung like that before and he hoped it would make a difference.

“Well, you do seem do want this more than before.” The man said, drawing out his words. Seung Yoon’s heart climbed into his mouth.

Say yes, please say yes, just please say yes.

Please.

“Welcome to YG Entertainment, young man.”

Seung Yoon bowed; gratitude spilling out his lips in a thousand jumbled thank yous.

“Work hard,” Yang sajangnim said as he walked out of the room.

Seung Yoon slid to the floor in relief, not caring that the judging eyes of the staff were trained on him. The room was starting to clear out, the dozen or so people who had come to see him grabbing their things and getting on with their lives. Seung Yoon sat there for a while, cradling his head in his hands, not even daring to believe that he finally made it. He had been accepted to a company. Everything he needed to make music was in his hands.

Finally.

He almost couldn’t believe it.

He made it.

Finally, Seung Yoon let his mind turn to the pale boy who had faithfully visited him in his dreams for weeks now. He couldn’t wait to see his hyung’s face when he hugged him and told him that he made it. He finally made it.

****

“Are you ready?” The staff asked him as she placed her hand on the door handle. “This is your practice room. The room beside it is for the other boy group; the younger one I told you about.”

Seung Yoon nodded. The lady had been talking since they left the YGE building but he had barely heard a word she had said. The same thought chased around his head like a kid on a sugar high.

Is he here?

“Good luck,” the lady told him and Seung Yoon entered.

At first, Seung Yoon couldn’t see him and wild panic shot though him. No, he can’t have gone. He’ll be here; I know he’ll be here.

Seung Yoon’s eyes jumped from one faceless trainee to the other until he saw his hyung at the back of the practice room.

Jinwoo had lost a lot of weight since Seung Yoon last saw him. There were bruises on his arms and suitcases under his eyes. Seung Yoon didn’t need words to know that the older boy had been practicing into the early hours of the morning for days on end.

Did he even sleep anymore?

He watched as Jinwoo’s eyes widened when they saw him. After waiting for so long, Seung Yoon was almost scared to face the boy. Would Jinwoo hate him? Had Jinwoo even missed him?

Seung Yoon remembered the question Jinwoo had asked him what felt like a hundred years ago.

“If I have to leave, what would you do?”

Seung Yoon knew now that he had lied that day.

'I’d miss you' Seung Yoon wished he had answered.

‘I’d think of you every second of the day, every time I sang or played the guitar. Every time I walk on the street. Every time I saw a star. I’d see you everywhere but it’ll hurt so bad because you aren’t anywhere. And I might just go mad from how empty I feel without you.’

“Yah, who are you?” The voice of another one of the male trainees tore Seung Yoon’s eyes away from Jinwoo. Mechanically, Seung Yoon bowed.

“I’m Kang Seung Yoon, the new trainee. I promise to work hard. Please teach me well!” Seung Yoon fought to keep a straight face as he greeted his new team mates. The trainees’ eyes softened at his polite words and they welcomed him with open arms.

“Practice is over for today anyway. We’ll start tomorrow.” One of the older boys told him. Immediately the trainees broke out in a babble of words as the packed up their stuff for the day. Seung Yoon stayed frozen to the spot.

What could he do to get Jinwoo alone? He couldn’t stay behind without a valid reason, could he?

“Guys, I’ll teach the newbie for a while. I’m staying behind anyway.” Jinwoo’s quiet voice rose over the din. The other trainees shrugged and left. Finally, the door swung shut and they were left alone.

Seung Yoon stayed where he was, not quite daring to believe that all of this was happening. They were completely alone now. Jinwoo looked at him from across the room. His eyes screamed of exhaustion and tears. Seung Yoon bit back a sob, taking in how Jinwoo leaned against the wall tiredly.

“Hyung …”

What could he say?

Seung Yoon reached out for Jinwoo was he approached the older boy.

“I’m sorry, hyung. I’m so, so sorry.”

There was a rush when Seung Yoon wasn’t sure who was moving but just like that Jinwoo was in his arms. He wrapped both his arms around Jinwoo tight. The older boy felt warm, comforting and familiar. Eyes closed, Seung Yoon breathed in Jinwoo’s familiar scent, letting it wash over him. Neither of them said a word for a long time.

“I made it, hyung,” Seung Yoon croaked out finally. Jinwoo bit back something that sounded like a laugh, a sob or maybe a bit of both.

“Yeah, yeah, you did.” Jinwoo smiled. Seung Yoon that his heart would break from happy he felt just then. He hadn’t let go of Jinwoo and Seung Yoon didn’t think he ever wanted to.

“Pabo!” Jinwoo said suddenly. “What the hell were you thinking leaving like that?” Jinwoo hit Seung Yoon’s shoulder hard and he winced.

“I wasn’t. I’m sorry.” Seung Yoon said, rubbing his arm.

Jinwoo grabbed him in a hug again and Seung Yoon laughed.

He was home.

****

31st May 2013

Seung Yoon lay on the roof top of the dorm he shared with the other trainees.

It had been the day of their monthly evaluation.

When Seung Yoon got up that morning, he thought that it was just going to be like any another evaluation. Just another day of pitting their skills against the other group, measuring how far had they come since the last month. Seung Yoon had been exhausted. Juggling practice and the preparations for his solo album was not easy.

His solo album.

When Seung Yoon got the news that he was to prepare and release his own songs, he had ecstatic and confused all at once.

For three years now, he had been practicing with a group. And now finally, he had felt like they finally had a group with a really good chance, with potential. Somehow Seung Yoon felt like the five of them, him, Jinwoo, Taehyun, Seung Hoon and Mino … they just fit somehow. They had had disagreements but that was normal. The five of them were different but together, they were perfect.

So the solo album did not make sense.

And now this …

Seung Yoon sighed as Yang Sajangnim’s words echoed in his head again.

100 days … Two groups… Who Is Next … WIN … Winner

Debut or disband

The worst part was the words the CEO had added towards the end.

If his team, Team A were to lose, all of them would be made to go home.

Except him.

He’d go on solo.

“As though the other guys needed more reason to hate me,” Seung Yoon thought. “I am already debuting earlier than the rest of them and now I have a get out of jail free card in my hands.”

It just didn’t make sense.

Debut or disband

Seung Yoon didn’t want to debut solo. He knew where he belonged and it was with the four other boys downstairs.

“Seung Yoon?” He turned to see Jinwoo standing right beside him.

“Hyung, you’re back?” Seung Yoon tried to smile. Jinwoo still kept up his ritual of practicing late into the night. Seung Yoon still joined him sometimes but lately he had been too tired.

“Yeah. I saw you weren’t in the room.” His hyung’s eyes were clouded over with worry. The news had hit Jinwoo the hardest, Seung Yoon knew. He had been there longer than any of them.

Seung Yoon knew that if he were completely honest, Jinwoo was the one who deserved a solo album. He’d earned it.

“Yeah, I was just … thinking.” A sigh rolled of Seung Yoon's lips. It stale and heavy, like sleep.

Debut or disband

“We’ll make it, Seung Yoonie.” Jinwoo gripped his shoulder hard. “Don’t worry.”

Seung Yoon nodded and turned to his hyung, smiling.

Or course, they’d make it.

They had too.

****

26^th October 2013; sometime past midnight.

The dorm was dark and quiet.

Seung Yoon’s head was still pounding from all the lights and music. He kept hearing the voice of Daesung hyung over and over again in his head.

The Winner is … Team A

Team A. His team. They did it. They were going to debut.

So why did it feel so wrong?

Seung Yoon felt sick.

He never wanted it to happen this way. He hated the fact that he had crushed someone else’s dreams to get to his own.

“We deserve it, Seung Yoon-ah. Stop beating yourself up.” Jinwoo’s voice rang out just inches to his right. If he didn’t feel so sad, Seung Yoon would have smiled.

“But our dongsaengs ...”

“Everything will be all right. They aren’t leaving.” Jinwoo’s voice rang out again. Soft and sure. “You didn’t take their dreams away, Seung Yoon-ah. You’re just making your own come true first.” Seung Yoon closed his eyes.

Jinwoo was right.

The five of them did deserve it.

There was a rustling of sheets and then Jinwoo’s voice reached Seung Yoon again.

“I told you we’d make it.”

Seung Yoon smiled.

They made it.

They were Winner. And they were going up.