Chapter 3

Seung Yoon had never been overly fond of forming attachments.

Since he was kid, people had always been coming and going from in his life; easily severing bonds with him to leave for something better, someone better. To Seung Yoon, most relationships were just temporary. Maybe someone would be by his side for a while, sharing his joy and learning his pain. Sometimes he’d even get used to their reassuring presence. But somehow they always left, one by one. Until one day, all he could remember was a packed bag and a turned back.

He’d never let himself get upset though. Seung Yoon understood there was no point in waiting for them to come back or even mourning for someone. He just had to pick up the mess they left behind, smooth out the creases they left in his heart and keep going.

People said he was cold and stoic. Seung Yoon knew that his iciness hurt those close to him, especially his mother. But there wasn’t really a way for him to change. He had managed to detach himself from his emotions, building a wall between what he thought and what he felt. The surging wave of emotions almost always remained contained within him. They were rarely reflected in his face and he never put them into words.

Simple words never really worked for him. Occasionally, armed with a melody and a guitar Seung Yoon would walk the fine line between his heart and his mind, putting the rolling emotions locked within him into a song.

It was how he coped.

*******

The sound of footsteps in the night and a knock on the door.

That was what Seung Yoon lived for these days.

He’d spend torturous hours wishing the day way, waiting for the sun to hide itself and for night to seep out instead. While working, he could almost feel the burden of every remaining hour slipping off him like rocks. Seung Yoon breathed easier with every passing one, until finally, he could shrug off his stained apron and cap and join the silouhette waiting for him outside.

They never really had any sort of plan, nor did they ever actually agreed to meet up. All Seung Yoon knew was that Jinwoo started to show up outside his work place every night and they’d leave together.

Sometimes, they’d go to parks, completely empty at that time of the night, and revel in the loneliness of the place. Or they’d walk on the street for hours, wandering aimlessly through the city, navigating along the rushing cars and flashing street lamps; the only constants in the ever-changing city.

Often, Jinwoo and him would talk for hours, slipping easily from one topic to the next. Sometimes, they’d sing, enjoying listening to the harmony of their voices ringing out in heavy night air; floating higher and higher until the wind whipped it away. But what Seung Yoon loved the most were the silences. The times when neither of them felt the need for spoken words or hummed melodies to enjoy each  others company.

As long as they were together, it was enough.

*******

This time they walked to a park not far from Jinwoo’s dorm. Placed on a hill, Seung Yoon could see the entire city of Seoul from the top. It was one of their favorite places to go together. Jinwoo loved openness of the place and how cool the wind was there. Seung Yoon liked how he could pretend the entire city was below him; that somehow he had escaped its prison of iron and glass buildings.

“The evaluation is tomorrow.” Jinwoo’s words were barely a whisper but Seung Yoon heard them loud and clear. He bowed his head, frowning. He already knew that this was coming, of course. Seung Yoon had been watching Jinwoo for days now. Every time the end of the month rolled around, Jinwoo seemed to be stretched thinner, and thinner until he was barely more than a wraith with wide, unsure eyes.

Seung Yoon hated seeing the purple bags under his hyung’s eyes darken with each passing day. He blamed himself sometimes, wishing Jinwoo wouldn’t show up every night to wander around with him. He had asked Jinwoo repeatedly to go home and get some sleep but the older boy had absolutely refused to listen. Once Seung Yoon had refused to follow him out, thinking that maybe Jinwoo would go home that way. But the older boy only went straight back to the practice room.

It was better this way, Seung Yoon told himself. At least, he’s getting some rest.

“I know,” Seung Yoon answered quietly. Jinwoo looked out to the city of Seoul sprawled out before them, its ordered streets and high rise buildings lit by the light of a thousand lives, still rushing for time even in the dead of the night. His hyung’s eyes weren’t trained on the metropolis though. They combed the sky above the glow of Seoul, seeking a light far older and colder than that of the city.

“You could never see any stars in this place,” Jinwoo sighed. Seung Yoon nodded his head. The millions of flashing lights in Seoul easily defeated the stars, leaving the sky glowing dirty orange when the sun set. Seung Yoon knew that Jinwoo was thinking of the stars over Imjado. And he was wondering if he’d be seeing them again tomorrow.

This was the third time Jinwoo had told Seung Yoon about the monthly evaluations.

Each time, the feeling was the same.

Dread growing in Seung Yoon’s stomach, poisonous vines wrapping around his heart and squeezing tighter with every passing day. When he looked at Jinwoo, he’d feel a lump pressing against his throat that made swallowing painful. He didn’t like it; Seung Yoon thought he had trained himself not to form any attachments. But here was this boy, who had broken down every wall Seung Yoon had ever built around his heart. He had learnt to care for this pale-skinned boy with the bright, deer-like eyes.

Seung Yoon was terrified of losing him. And the worse part that it could happen so easily.

“You’ll do fine, hyung.” Seung Yoon told Jinwoo, resting a hand on the older boy’s shoulder. Eyes closed, Jinwoo shook his head, drawing his hoodie close around him. He is so fragile, Seung Yoon thought, taking in Jinwoo’s shoulders that were caved him on himself, burdened with his own insecurities that weighed the world. He doesn’t need to go through this.

“It’s different this time,” Jinwoo told Seung Yoon. He rocked himself slightly, moving back and forth. “I know I’m going to go,” his voice rose with agitation, ringing out in the quiet night. “I know I am going to have to leave, Seung Yoon. There’s no else left. The other guys … they are different. They’ve all got some niche, something they do outrageously well. What do I have? I’m nothing compared to them.”

Seung Yoon bit his lip. Spoken reassurances would do nothing for Jinwoo, he knew. There was not a thing Seung Yoon could say that would convince Jinwoo that he deserved a spot among the league of YG trainees. Especially not today, the eve of the dreaded evaluation. The only thing Seung Yoon could do was stay there as Jinwoo rocked back and forth beside, his knuckles white as they gripped his own arms hard.

“You’ve practiced. You’ve worked your fingers to the bone every day,” Seung Yoon decided to try encouragement anyway. “You’re going to do good, hyung.” Jinwoo didn’t answer and Seung Yoon thought that Jinwoo hadn’t even heard his words. They continued watching the moving light of the city for a while, each one of them quietly shifting through heaps of grey thoughts.

“It’s getting late, Jinwoo hyung. You should be getting home,” Seung Yoon told Jinwoo, getting to his feet and pulling the older boy up as well. Jinwoo let Seung Yoon help him stand, swaying on his feet slightly, the faraway look still in his eyes.

“Seung Yoon” he said abruptly.

“Hmmm?” Seung Yoon replied as they started walking back; he to his rented apartment and Jinwoo to his dorm.

“What would you do?” Jinwoo looked at the younger boy, his next words tumbling over on another, tinted with nervousness and fear. “If I have to leave, what would you do?”

Seung Yoon froze for a while. The question had taken him by surprise. What would he do? He never really thought about it. In fact, Seung Yoon hadn’t really allowed himself to think about it. He had gotten used to this nightly vigil with his hyung. Sometimes he fancied that they were the watchers of the city, the only ones who truly knew what tonight was like in Seoul. But that was just his imagination.

No, he never really considered the possibility that this thing between them could end. The fear was there of course, resting in his chest like an ugly black ball. However, the notion of it being born to reality … no, it had never crossed Seung Yoon’s mind. Watching his hyung wage a silent, destructive war with himself was enough.

He had two choices now: to tell Jinwoo the truth or to lie. Seung Yoon felt his heart struggling against his chest, twisting painfully. Various answers clawed at his throat. Finally, Seung Yoon managed to choke out an answer.

“I would go on, I guess.”

Jinwoo nodded and looked away quickly. They resumed walking. In the light of the passing street lamps, Seung Yoon thought he had seen disappointment flash dimly in Jinwoo’s eyes but he couldn’t be sure. Guilt churned within Seung Yoon. He had had two ways to answer Jinwoo’s question: to tell the truth or to lie.

He wanted to believe that he had lied. Seung Yoon desperately wanted to think that losing Jinwoo would change him; that Seung Yoon would feel Jinwoo's absence and he would mourn him, miss him - anything.

But at the same time Seung Yoon was so used to numbing himself to the holes people left in his heart when they left. Maybe he was an unfeeling and icy enough to leave the memories of Jinwoo behind like they didn’t matter.

So, Seung Yoon wasn’t sure. Did he lie? Or was that the truth?

*******

The day of the evaluation was drawing to a close and Seung Yoon still had not seen Jinwoo. He had watched the end of what he had taken to calling ‘his’ street eagerly the whole day but the training building had remained completely devoid of any activity.

Bright pink, yellow and orange were shooting through the sky now, the colors tangling with each other. Seung Yoon’s guitar was leaning against his feet; he hadn’t bothered to pack it up yet. Jinwoo may not be in the practice room, Seung Yoon knew. The older boy had told him that the evaluations were carried out in the YG building which was a few streets over.

Seung Yoon waited till darkness fell, dropping over the sky like a black veil. The sky was glowing with the bright lights of Seoul again and the vendors of Hongdae were out and about. Seung Yoon watched the dark building at the end of the street, finally admitting that there was really no one there.

Maybe the evaluation wasn’t done yet, Seung Yoon told himself.

Maybe they had the day off afterwards.

A thousand possibilities and probabilities crashed around Seung Yoon’s head as he cleaned tables and took orders mechanically at the restaurant. The hours seemed to drag longer today, moving reluctantly like their feet were stuck thigh deep in mud. Time ticked away but Seung Yoon couldn’t breathe any easier. He tip-toed around one horrifying possibility, all night long

He couldn’t have, Seung Yoon thought desperately. He’s good enough to stay. He would have come to said goodbye at least. He didn’t get kicked out. No.

These fierce thoughts kept Seung Yoon company as droves of people waddled in and out of the restaurant. Seung Yoon worked. And worked. Waiting for when he could get away from the place but dreading what would he find when he finally did.

At long last, the final customer burped and the last table was wiped. Seung Yoon set his apron on the counter and strode out the door. He wasn’t sure where was he going. Maybe the YG building or the trainee dorm, Seung Yoon didn’t care. He just wanted to find Jinwoo.

In his blind rush, Seung Yoon collided into someone standing out in the street. He almost pushed the person aside when he recognized the silhouette standing before him.

“Jinwoo hyung?” Seung Yoon said incredously. “Are you okay? What happened? A-are you – Did you- Jinwoo hyung, are you okay?”

The boy was shivering, standing there in a thin singlet not even a hoodie to protect him from the biting night air. Seung Yoon shrugged off his jacket and draped it over the older boy. Jinwoo didn’t acknowledge the gesture. His eyes were wide and staring. Startled, Seung Yoon realized that Jinwoo’s skin was slicked with sweat. Had he been practicing?

“Hyung, what have you been doing? How did it go? What happened? Why won’t you answer?” Seung Yoon grabbed Jinwoo’s shoulders and shook them slightly. His heart was pounding. His head seemed to be filled with empty static. He couldn’t think. He couldn’t breathe.

The older boy blinked and met Seung Yoon’s eyes. “I’m staying,” he told Seung Yoon slowly. “I didn’t get eliminated.”

Relief and joy burst in Seung Yoon’s heart. Smiling broadly, he grabbed Jinwoo and pulled him into a hug. Thank you, thank you, he though repeatedly though he wasn’t really sure who was the gratitude directed to.

“I knew it. I knew you would make it through,” Seung Yoon told Jinwoo, savoring the fierce victory of having made it through another month. He drew back in surprise when hot tears splashed onto his skin.

“I don’t deserve this,” Jinwoo told him hoarsely. Seung Yoon didn’t say anything. Wiping away his hyung’s tears and put his arms around Jinwoo again. There were so many words he could use to show Jinwoo how much he did deserve it. So many things that could prove Jinwoo wrong. But Seung Yoon knew that nothing would work unless Jinwoo realized them himself.

So until then, Seung Yoon would hold on to him and see those things for Jinwoo.