Dearest Kyungsoo,

Hey, I didn't really know how to start this letter. I never thought of sending you one either. It just occured to me, once, after hearing your voice in my cellphone. I was just scanning my cellphone and then I found this recording dated back at our first monthsary. You did it and you were telling me how much you love me. God knows how much I missed those times when we were whispering those sweet words in each other's ears. I felt happy after hearing that recording you made. I missed your voice hyung. I missed you. 

But I guess those times were over now, right? Now that you've found your Chanyeol. Funny how things turned out. I left for a short while, you fell out of love and found him. On the other hand, I ached and found no one. I couldn't blame you though. You were empty. You ached for love and for attention. Yes, you have found it with me. You loved me, like you said, and found that love that you have always wanted. But when I left you because of my dream, my treacherous dream that had me tied all through these years, you'd broken down. You cried so much you would have died. I couldn't blame you. All I could do now is to blame myself for everything. All I could do now is to regret letting you go, knowing that I can never bring back the past again. But despite everything I did, I still loved you strongly that I couldn't afford to take my heart off you. You will always have it with you. My heart will always whisper your name painfully through my ears. I'm sorry but I still love you the way I have always. 

I absolutely didn't mean to be desperate in my letter. After all, I know this is my fault. This is my fault from your pain and suffering. I wanted to die just to take these pain off of you. I don't want to be like this in this letter. It's just that I couldn't control on my feelings. You know me too much right? I'm sure you'll understand. I was the Transparent Jongin you used to love. I'm shy towards others but damn, you know I can never be shy towards you. I love you and trust you. I'm vocal on how I feel. I am vocal on how much I love you and I'm vocal on how much I miss you right now. And it's blowing the roofs off their houses. Well, this isn't a love letter where I shout all my love for you hyung. (Even if I wanted to) I have to be sensitive. You have Chanyeol after all. You already had that Prince Charming that you were longing to have. The Prince Charming that would never leave you for his dreams and such. The Prince Charming that is clearly not me. I think you really love him. Maybe even more than you'd ever loved me. I couldn't blame you. Chanyeol is better than me alright. I couldn't play instruments like him. I don't have that sense of humor either. He'll never leave you the way I did. You are his everything. You will be his everything. But well, I ain't gonna compare even more. You are still my everything. And I don't know for how long things will remain to be like that. I don't know if I'll ever get over you.

I just wanna tell you how I've been doing. I think you'll be pretty interested. 

I'm doing a good job at dancing. I've taken it more seriously than before. Thanks to you. You have always been my inspiration. Remember the time when I left for a year or so? That you cried so hard I almost hesitated to leave? Yet you were there, ever the understanding Kyungsoo of mine and let me leave. I didn't expect things will turn out to be like this.

Anyway, I had completed my training for dancing and I am very happy to say I'm officially part of a group now. Soon, I'll be dancing all over the national TV. You'll watch me right? I hope you'll do. We may not see each other anymore but just remember that every dance, every movement I do, it's for you. I've been working hard and every bit of it is dedicated only for you. I have made your tears and pains my fuel to succeed. And I don't care if I break any limbs, any bones whenever I dance. As long as you shall be proud of me when I dance my heart out on stage. It would mean everything for me. I never thought so much about myself. All I know is that, you were the reason why I have been this diligent and consistent. I want you to be proud of me. I want you to smile to yourself, thinking I am once a part of your perfect life, even though I was just a mere speck of it. I want you to see me once again, loving you all my life.

The hardest things of letting you go is that I will miss your loud-mouthed sermons whenever I go home late. I will miss the way your face twitch into a hateful expression whenever you see me with someone else on stage. It makes me smile everytime. It tells me how much you loved me and cared for me back then. I know you are jealous, and I will miss the way I pacify you everytime. I will miss the way I'll kiss your doubts away and I will miss the way you hold me in your arms, telling me it's okay and you forgive me. I will miss your laughs whenever you hear me cracking a silly joke that isn't really funny at all and I will miss the way you fix my clothes for me. I will miss your cooking and your pastries. I will miss the way you snuggle towards me whenever you feel spaced out or scared. I will miss the way you trail your hands all over me, reminding me how perfect I am and how lucky I am to be your love. I will miss everything about you hyung. Damn. I am not supposed to say this but I still love you to the universe and back. 

You were the one who fills my mind everytime I'm alone. You were the one that flashes in my mind whenever I try to think of those things that inspires me. Your smiles light up my world whenever I feel down and left out. You are my everything Kyungsoo hyung. You were the one that I devoted myself to and I have lived my life to the sway of your own life. I'm used to you and everything about you that the mere thought of you disappearing tears my heart to millions of pieces.

I promised myself I won't look pathetic. I promised myself I won't these things in front of you and I will. I won't you bother after anymore. I have come to realize that maybe we really aren't meant to be together. I love you until now but I couldn't get you to love me back the way you used to. You have Chanyeol now, he was the one who you loved the most and I couldn't argue with that. Your heart has spoken and it was his name that it screams. Even if it breaks my heart, I will stay away from you and Chanyeol as far as possible. I will give you the privacy you need. I will let you be in peace for I don't seek my happiness but yours. I will try to forget you hyung. I will focus on my dancing, my group and my career. I will try not to miss you, but please always remember, I will never stop loving you. I will always treasure in my heart the things that we did together, those laughs and times we were happy and sad. I will always treasure them and store them away into my memory for a long time. I might be able to let you go, but I doubt I could ever stop loving you. You are the only one who I loved like this and you aren't so easy to forget. You are my everything, remember that. I couldn't just forget my everything could I? That would be irresponsible of me. You are my world, my life and my everything.

I will continue loving you, I will continue missing you. For there is absolutely nothing that can stop me from doing so. You can call me a marytr or things like that, I don't care. All I know is that I won't ever stop loving you. I will cry myself to sleep or mourn till I break over again. You brought this to me. You gave me the happiest days of my life and you also brought this gloomiest ones to me. I didn't regret any of it though. I didn't regret loving you Kyungsoo. You know why? Because loving you is the most wonderful thing I've ever done in my whole messy life. You gave me the light. You turned me around and you changed me. I thank you for that. I thank you for everything. For being Kyungsoo, for being there for me once and for giving me the joys in life I never thought I could experience. 

They say loving was hard. They also say it is the most marvelous feeling you can ever feel in life. I agree. You are amazing and I love everything about you. Your voice, eyes and lips. Too bad, I don't own you now. It feels bad, now that I think about it. I lost you. It shatters my being, my entire existence knowing that I just lost the most priced person in my life because of my stupidity. You are no longer mine to hold and to treasure. But still, I will still hold on to my promise. I will keep loving you. Forever and ever. Even if life's breath escapes me.

There, I have said everything I wanted to say to you. I wish you won't cry after reading this. I don't mean for you to feel bad about this. I just wanted you to know how I felt. 

I love you Kyungsoo. I will never get tired of saying that because my heart will never get tired of doing that.

Loving you always,
Jongin

Author's Note:

I should have posted this thing awhile back but then when I read it again, I was completely unsatisfied and had to remake this a couple more times. When I was finally bored with all the remaking, I posted this. I don't know if this is effective in making people sad. Believe me I tried but I guess I am not that good. Let's laugh now for my stupidity. -___-

Anyways! I'm thinking for a sequel, another one-shot so I guess you'll just have to set back and wait for a sequel. I think this will be a two-way ending. I don't know. Haha. Kfine I won't spoil anymore. See you again next time! x

XOXO, Park Shin Yuuuuu~