Chapter One

Where am I?

Everything in this room is white. This isn’t my room, is it? I don’t remember having a room with all of these white stuffs everywhere. I hate white. And I couldn’t remember having a sofa set in my room either. So where am I? The floor is carpeted, but still white; the ceiling; the walls; the decorations; even the appliances and furniture are white too. A large white vase is resting on top of the bedside table with green flowers in it. The flowers look fresh as if someone had just put it there hours ago. An old television is on top of a high TV cabinet which is attached on the wall, and a large portrait of me is hanging on the wall just above the sofa. That’s me right? But I don’t remember having a portrait of myself. Is—is this heaven? Am I dead by any chance?

Oh God.

Apparently, I woke up moments ago and found myself lying in this white sheeted bed and wearing these filthy white clothes. My mouth was dry and I couldn’t open my eyes and lips, like it was closed for a long time. Thank goodness I could open them now, and my mouth started to salivate.

I pushed the blanket off of me and slowly got up from the bed. What the—I can’t stand straight! My whole body feels numb and so weak I feel like collapsing right there and then. It’s as if I didn’t move any muscle for a while. Did I sleep for a year or what? Hah. Funny.

But really, how long was I asleep that my body feels boneless and my mouth had dried like that? I got skinnier too. And my hair was much longer than before—really much longer.

I failed to stand completely and regain my strength so I decided not to push it and just settle on the bed.

What happened? I couldn’t recall how I got here. Heck I don’t even know why I am here.

I couldn’t remember anything, but no, it isn’t amnesia. It’s the feeling when you have this memory but couldn’t remember any of it because it happened a long time ago.

But it wasn’t a long time ago... right? It feels like everything just happened yesterday. The memory is right there, I just couldn’t reach it; see it. I can’t remember any of it. It feels familiar, yet unfamiliar at the same time.

I was in the middle of my little argument with myself when I heard footsteps outside the door. I’m not sure if the owner of the footsteps is heading in this room but I might as well hope that the person is coming to see me.

If it’s God coming to get me, I really don’t care. I need someone who’ll explain everything. I need answers.

The footsteps eventually stopped. I don’t know if there are any room across this one but I’m pretty sure it just stopped right in front of this room.

Fortunately, I was right.

The doorknob slowly turned and a middle-aged woman came in; my mom.

She’s holding a transparent plastic full of envelopes that look like mails—or letters—and a basket full of green flowers; the exact same flowers in the vase. The only difference is the flowers she’s holding is a lot fresher than the ones in this room.

The flower really looked familiar... I just couldn’t find its name in my head.

She looked at me, wide-eyed. I was confused at first with the way she looked. It was as if she had seen a ghost.

Wait. What if I really am a ghost? Oh no.

I forced my lips to move and successfully managed a word. “M-mom.” My voice sounded so creepily low that I, myself, could barely hear it.

“You’re awake. Jihae, dear, y-you’re awake. My goodness.” She covered with her hands, the plastic and the basked falling in the process. And is that tears falling from her eyes? Why is she crying?

This just adds to the confusion.

I noticed her walking towards me, hands still covering . She slowly worked her hands towards my face and cupped my cheeks with her palms. Her eyes are so clouded I couldn’t see the color in it.

Finally, I got my strength back and managed to stand.

I gave her a puzzled look and placed my hands above hers that was resting on my cheeks. “What’s wrong? Mom?”

“Jihae.”

“Mom, what’s happening? Where are we? What’s this place?” I asked, searching her eyes.

She looked away but didn’t move her hands away from my face. “Don’t you remember anything?”

“N-no. I—I only remembered dad... being killed.”

“Hmm. Just like what the doctor said.” She returned her gaze to me. “We knew this is coming.” She tore her hands away from me and walked towards the bedside table. “You haven’t fully recovered. And I’m not sure if this is the right thing to do but he kept on telling me before that this is the first thing you should see when you wake up., no matter what.”

Recovered? What is she talking about?

She pulled the drawer beneath the table and pulled out a green notebook. Her hands are shaking as she turned around and placed the notebook in my hands.

“Wait. I know this notebook. This is mine, isn’t it?”

My mom didn’t answer. She just smiled, hugged me, and touched my hair. She pulled away after a minute and wiped the tears off her face. “I’m going to the doctor and tell him you’re awake.” She smiled and brushed the hair covering my eyes. “Stay here.”

She turned around and picked up the stuffs that had just fallen on the floor and placed it on the table. And with a reassuring smile, she headed towards the door and closed it behind her, leaving me with the green notebook.

I couldn’t remember a thing she was saying. Doctor? Recovery? Does that mean I’m in a hospital? And just who the hell is “he” who wanted me to see this notebook so badly?

I looked at the door and wondered. Why did I miss my mom so badly? Why did it feel like it’s been years since I saw and hugged her? I was with her this week right?

And why didn’t mom give me any answers?

At least she gave me an assurance that I’m not a ghost, that I’m not dead.

I glanced down at the green notebook in my hands. Its cover was torn and large dark brown spots are found at one of its sides. I turned it over and found a stick guy drawing on the back cover. The drawing is holding a stick—no, a gun? It looks like a gun to me.

I turned it over again and hesitantly opened the cover, large printed words are written in the first page that says “DIARY”, and beneath it is my name with a cat and monkey drawing beside it.

My heart started to beat so fast as I slowly turned to the second page. As I looked at the first written words, a bit of my memory gushed into my head like water.

I held the notebook tightly against my chest and walked towards the couch to sit, inhaling some fresh air coming from the open window.

As I placed the notebook on my lap and started to devour myself with the contents, more and more memories started to flash in my mind.



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AN: sorry for the looooong delay. >_> and
im sorry if the start is kinda confusing.
but the story itself will progress... soon? hmm. lol.