Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock, T-

 

"You know, if you'd at least talk, you'll get out of here sooner."

 

I briefly glanced upwards. Mrs. Kim, nice, helpful, doesn't pry, the epitome of a fairy godmother as one of the school's guidance counselor. Her tone was sincere, smile sweet as honey. But of course I knew better. I have a knack for these things. Her patience with me was wearing off slowly but surely. I'm walking on thin ice.

 

I chewed the inside of my cheeks, a habit I adapted from him. "Oh, yeah sure. The aircon is really boosted up today, huh? I'm pretty sure icicles are gonna start to form inside my n-"

 

"Sunggyu." No, don't use those eyes. You know nothing. Don't look at me like I'm sick.

 

I sighed, physically and emotionally drained. "Sorry Mrs, but why am I even here?"

 

She smiled amusedly and leaned closer. A small carton of milk was placed on my hand. "Hmm, well. I'm supposed to talk to you about the incident at PE class earlier. But, well darling, I think everyone gets that you're not in a good place right now. People are worried, Sunggyu. I am worried." Her smile dropped, turning into an uncomfortable twitch of the mouth. "That's why we should talk. That's why I'm here. Talk to me, darling, let me help."

 

I shrugged. "There's nothing to talk about, I assure you."

 

At this point she was pretty convinced that I won't talk about my feelings, especially to someone from school. "Okay then, we'll just...chat. Tell me more about Woohyun, you must know heaps." Her smile was genuine, this time.

 

I could already picture Woohyun whining. Oh for goodness sake Sunggyu, stop being difficult.

 

It's not like it'd hurt anyone. I sighed. I'm all alone now.

 

I ripped the tip of the milk carton and grinned. "So, what do you wanna know?"

 

<;>

 

"I can't keep pulling strings, you know? You barely made it last year and if you don't step it up, you're gonna be left behind."

 

Ah, Mr. Park. Stern. Straight to the point. Hits it where it hurts.

 

Woohyun scrunched up his nose. "But I thought I did pretty well last time, I managed to understand at least half the sheet."

 

"Your 'pretty well' is not up to my standard, I can assure you of that, Woohyun." Mr. Park raised an eyebrow and leaned his body on the desk.

 

Of course this conversation had to happen in the middle of class, with everyone. Of course.

 

I stole a look at Woohyun. He's clever, that idiot. Just not in the logical sense. Probably has more heart than anyone else I've ever known. He's fierce, he got this.

 

"Okay, sir. I'm gonna try ha-"

 

"No. No you won’t. And you know why?" He said, walking towards his desk on the front of class, towering right in front of him. He scoffed "Maybe there's nothing to fix. Maybe this is your limit. I'm tired, Nam Woohyun." He pinched the tip of his nose, to add some dramatic effects. "Why don't you learn from Sunggyu a little. You guys are always together. Try to be more like him. This is not the only class you're failing, Woohyun."

 

Woohyun's ears started to turn reddish. Oh, no. No, no, no , no, no.

 

"With all due respect, he tried, sir" I interjected before tears will be spilled.

 

Mr. Park's attention was on me now. I tried to look as unaffected as possible, but anger is stirring.

 

His gaze didn't falter. "Woohyun, I'm gonna talk to the principal about demoting you back to the 10th grade."

 

I sat up in my seat "But he tried, sir and-"

 

"I'll be back in half an hour. Everyone, start reading chapter 7." said he, not even a flicker of guilt in his eyes. He slammed the door closed.

 

I walked up to Woohyun and quickly pulled him down to sit.

 

"Woo-"

 

"No."

 

"Everything's gonna be fine, you-"

 

"No, no Gyu."

 

I bit my lip. "Hey, are you okay?"

 

He hummed tonelessly, and that was that.

 

Of course he wasn't. I should have known, I should have known.

 

<;>

 

"GYU GYU GYU GYU-"

 

"What." That voice was coming closer, and I braced for the impact.

 

Woohyun's front collided to my back. He, as usual, didn't falter. I, was almost tumbling down the stairway. I hate being small.

 

"You've read 'Chasing Summer', right? right right right right right?" Oh, that. He's obsessed with that piece of fiction, and naturally, forced it upon me the second we saw each other at school. I gave it a quick read last night and I've finished it. And the sequel.

 

I nodded my head absentmindedly, my nose still buried between the old pages of Haruki Murakami's 'The Wind-up Bird Chronicle'. He knows that it's an affirmation.

 

He grabbed my shoulders and forced me to face his way. As usual, i had to crane my neck upwards. I was shorter by more than a head, but I still managed to stare him down.

 

"Well, I think we should do it like Myungsoo and Suji does. The sunshine and summer thing." His grin reached all the way up to his eyes. "I mean, come on. It is cute. You know it's cute. Don't even lie-"

 

"Okay." I shut him up instantly. I just wanna go back to my book.

 

"Yay! You're the best, Gyu." I didn't know why he even said that. He knows I can't say no to him. "Well, then. I claim summer. You're sunshine." He added childishly.

 

I raised an eyebrow. Before I got to reply, I was pulled by a senior who wanted to talk about an upcoming contest at a local school.

 

As I walked up the stairs with said senior, a thundering "GOOD MORNING, SUNSHINE." was screamed at the top of someone's lungs.

 

I hid a smile and murmured a 'good morning, summer' back.

 

This isn't so bad.

 

<;>

 

Hey, don't you think Woohyun and Sunggyu are kinda suspicious? They're always together, all the damn time.

 

I shoved my way along the halls.

 

You don't mean 'that', right?

 

Of course I mean 'that'. What else could it be, after all.

 

Ran my way up to the third floor.

 

Ugh, disgusting.

 

Opened the doors to a bathroom stall.

 

Tell me about it, isn't it ironic? The angry one and the dumb one, how 'sweet'.

 

All I see is red.

 

A knock. "Gyu? Gyu, open the door."

 

Woohyun. He sounded dead tired.

 

I grumbled, looking at my bruised fists and the small crack on the wall. I scoffed "You know better than to follow me on one of my 'episodes', Woo."

 

He murmured something i couldn't catch outside the stall. Then, I heard his body sliding down.

 

"Sit with me," he replied cooly.

 

"I'm not gonna open the door."

 

"Then don't. Hey, let's copy the movie 'frozen', when Elsa refused to let Anna in. I'm definitely Anna, seeing how warm and nice I am."

 

That managed a smile on my face. I slid down on the door, too. "Then I guess I'm way prettier and way wiser."

 

"That's debatable." I could hear him snort. A comfortable silence dropped between us.

 

"Hey Gyu," he started. "Since you're waaaay wiser, I don't have to say anything, you'll chill on your own." It was me who snorted this time."But I did bring tiramisu cake to school today and I can't possibly finish it myself."

 

Darn it. cake. My thoughts swirled towards God's greatest creation.

 

"And I may have it here right now and I may just share with someone else.”

 

I opened the stall door.

 

<;>

 

 

"The rope of deep despair

Will tie us together

Rest here for a moment

You can cry with sound

Endlessly

Yes

Endlessly"

 

[Park Ji Yoon, Tree of Life]

 

 

It was 2AM and we were at his room, laying on the floor, listening to Korean indie. Park Ji Yoon, his favorite.

 

"Hey Gyu..."

 

"Hmm?"

 

"Are you sad?"

 

That was an odd question.

 

"No, not really. I've got everything I need."

 

"Yeah?”

 

"Yeah."

 

Silence.

 

"You could get new friends, you know? Smarter ones."

 

"No."

 

"No?"

 

"I know what i want." A person with so, so much heart.

 

"Okay."

 

"Are you sad?"

 

He smiled shakily. "Yeah, I think I might be."

 

"You're always smiling."

 

"You know better."

 

Yes, yes I do. I know a lot of things, but I don't know how to handle this.

 

I sat up and faced him. "I- I don't know how to comfort people and you know and I, is it my fault? What should I fix? What should I do?

 

He simply blinked slowly.

 

"I don't know." He sounded so lost, so confused. "I don't know."

 

I said the only thing I could. "Goodnight, summer."

 

"Goodnight, sunshine."

 

We slept with our backs facing each other, and pretended that we didn't notice that the other was also crying soundlessly.

 

I should have known.

 

<;>

 

At 10:30 PM on schooldays, we would call. There was always a call. She would always call (unless the call ended abruptly. Ugh, free stuff always .). There was this free call application on smartphones, and we abused it ruthlessly, without shame.

 

My phone rang.

 

It was 9:45.

 

Nevertheless, I answered the call.

 

"Hey, dude, it's not-"

 

"G-Gyu. GYU." Woohyun was sobbing, and he had to take deep but useless intakes of breath to speak properly.

 

Physics homework forgotten, I went to the roof to make sure the phone reception was clear.

 

"Okay, okay," I tried to be calm, but I'm just really, really bad at this and because of that I feel really, really bad and I just- "I'm here, I'm here."

 

"C-can..just stay on the line, and talk. Just talk. Don't stop...please..."

 

I started to rant about the broken fending machine at my mom's office, my brother who broke my lightstick by sitting on it, the flowers at my garden that wouldn't bloom. I tried to distract him. But these things were so irrelevant. I wanted him to tell me the things that mattered.

 

"Woohyun," I swung my legs "What's wrong?"

 

"I-I... I can't... not right."

 

"Hmm?"

 

"I screwed up, Gyu, that's what happened and I-"

 

I listened to him as he tried to manage a sentence, and I started humming 'tree of life' till he calmed down.

 

"Hey, Woohyun?"

 

"Y-yes." His voice was hoarse from crying.

 

"It's 11:11."

 

He chuckled, and I couldn't help but grin proudly.

 

"Oh, what's your wish?" he asked.

 

I smiled.

 

"You know that it won't come true if I tell."

 

"I know. But I'm gonna tell you that I wished for mói to be more absolutely fabulous," I could hear him grin in his voice "But it's okay if it won't come true because I'm already so splendid."

 

"I'm hanging up." Even though it was a joke, my tone begged to differ.

 

"Wait, no, no!"

 

We spent the night talking about useless things till I could hear his steady breathing in the middle of my rant about a book I wanted to get. He was well asleep.

 

I listened to his breathe for a while, and hung up.

 

I want my summer to glow again.

 

<;>

 

“Woohyun! Stop!”

 

It was 10 AM, and it has been raining all week now. We were supposed to eat pastries at my sister-in-law’s patisserie. We were supposed to see warm chocolate.  I didn’t expect to see red.

 

Blood and sugar.

 

“Ah,” he said, acknowledging my presence at the bathroom doorway. “Now you know.” A graze. “Now you see.” A slash on each damned wrist.

 

So, so much red.

 

I held back the urge to start crying, but my voice sounded as if the sun doesn’t exist anymore. “P-please, please stop.”

 

When he didn’t show any signs of stopping, I had to take matters in my own hands.

 

I grabbed his hands, and he trashed, wildly, desperately. I was cut from the razor blade he had in his hands. It stung. It had hurt. But I held on. Everything tangled.

 

I held on to him the way a child wouldn’t let go of a mother’s leg, his hands were trapped between us. We were stained with more red.

 

I didn’t know who was crying, but the room trembled for a bit, it was probably both of us.

 

Blood and salt water.

 

<;>

 

“Are you going to say that it’s wrong?”

 

He was stiff. Holding back his  movements, like the way he always wiggled his toes.

 

“You’re not dumb. I don’t like it, I don’t like it a lot, but you’re not dumb, and you’re so strong, that I’m scared. I just don’t like that I don’t know what to do,” I said in between tending to cuts.

 

His smile didn’t reach his eyes. “I’m a fool.”

 

“Yes you are.”

 

 “I should know better.”

 

“Don’t just say things I wanna hear.” I looked up at him, he was biting the insides at his cheeks.

 

“Sorry.”

 

“No you’re not.”

 

“I’m sorry for not being sorry.”

 

I gave him a look.

 

“You’re taking this quite well.”

 

I stood up. “I saw pink scars on your thighs during PE, I had my suspicions.”

 

“Always the observant one,” he bemused. “Are you mad?”

 

I sighed. “How can I not?” I sat down next to him, took out my own wrists and pinched them as hard as I can.

 

“Hey, hey, hey! What the heck, man?” he said in panic.

 

“Well,” another pinch. I winced. “Whenever you hurt yourself, I’m gonna pinch myself, or you can pinch me.”

 

He choked on his own tears. Ever the cry baby.

 

“I thought you were supposed to be the smart one.”

 

I snorted, and I dropped myself on his bed. He followed closely after. “I do what I can.”

 

“You’re too good for me.”

 

“No, I’m not.” I thought back to the times I lashed out on people.

 

“You’re your own good.”

 

“How do I answer to that?”

 

“You don’t.”

 

A comfortable and much needed silence ensued.

 

“Hey,” I leaned to look at him. “Promise me this is the last?”

 

“You hate promises,” he pointed out.

 

I shrugged. “I wonder.”

 

“Stop being difficult.”

 

“Then answer my question.”

 

“I can’t,” he decided after a pause.

 

“I thought so,”

 

“Then why did you ask?”

 

“Lie to me.”

 

“I can. I’ll stop. Everything will be back to normal.”

 

“I like that lie.”

 

He snorted.

 

“Never leave me,” I started again.

 

“Never.” I didn’t know whether that was a lie or not, and I didn’t want to find out.

 

It’s been raining all summer.

 

<;>

 

“It’s cold.”

 

“I know.”

 

“I haven’t eaten since the first break hour.”

 

“Me neither.”

 

“My hurts.”

 

“Your always hurts.”

 

“You’re so mean~” I could practically hear the pout in his voice.

 

“You’re not the first one to say that.”

 

“B-but you’re not mean mean, you know? Like you have this-“

 

I couldn’t bite back the smile. “Yeah, yeah. I know, you told me. You tell me, actually, a lot.”

 

We were perched on one of the stone benches, waiting for our ride home, looking aimlessly at our bare toes. The shoes had come off long ago, within the heat of the day. It was well past six in the afternoon, the sky a picture of sunset and plum.

 

“When’s your brother gonna comeeeee?”

 

“You asked that like, 4 minutes ago”

 

“I still want an answer.”

 

I rolled my eyes so hard it hurt a little. “Sassy.”

 

“Only for you,” he said cheekily.

 

“He’s supposedly near, but you know,” I shrugged. “Traffic.”

 

“I hate Seoul.”

 

“Then get lost.”

 

“Oh I can’t do that.” He said dramatically. I braced myself for the inevitable cringe-worthy line coming up. “My little Gyugyu will definitely die missing me.”

I groaned and said nothing. But we both knew that if I don’t reply to something, I’m just evading the truth.

 

“We could wait for the stars,” I said, swinging my arms up gesturing towards the sky that was turning darker by the second.

 

He smiled. “That would most likely be a dream,” he started biting the insides of his cheeks. “With all the junk up there in the sky, we can’t really see anything.”

That basically summed up why we hated the city sometimes.

 

“I know.”

 

He turned his back towards me, a gesture that meant that he wanted his hair to be played with. It works both ways. I like playing with people’s hairs and he liked the slight tug it gives.

 

“You know a lot but yet you never implement them.”

 

“Well, the right way isn’t always the fun one. Don’t wanna waste my time living a boring life.”

 

“But you are boring.”

 

“Then why do you bother hanging out with me?”

 

“Because you’re better than most of them.”

 

He really knew how to make me smile.

 

“Hey, hey! We can actually see something!”

 

I turned my head up and saw what were five, or six flickers of light in space. For all I know it could be just airplanes, but I’d take my chance.

 

We laid down on the field with our bags as head leverage. The silence was deafening, but comfortable. We were lost in our own thoughts.

 

“Hey, the sadness.” I started. “Does it ever, you know, go away?”

 

A beat, then “No, not really.”

 

“No?”

 

“But it gets to the point where it doesn’t bother you so much.”

 

I bit my lips. “That itself, is sad.”

 

“I’ll live.”

 

“Will you?” I looked at him straight in the eye.

 

“IN YOUR HEAART”

 

“I’m serious.”

 

“I ‘m not in the mood for lying.”

 

I couldn’t help the dread that washed over me. “You’re strong, you know? No, probably don’t. But now you know, and never-for even a second-think that I’m making this up, because you know I usually don’t bother,” I spat. Bitter.

 

He was holding his breath. “What should I do, Sunggyu?”

 

“Whatever you do, just know that I’m proud of you.” I scrambled for his hand. Judging by the slight wince he showed, it was a bit too tight. “I think, that you should do whatever makes you happy. Got to where your heart wants it to be, feel.”

 

His grip was equally tight.

 

My brother found us with our hands tangled, asleep beneath the stars.

 

I should have known.       

 

<;>

 

It was eleven at night on a Wednesday, and I was counting time by the second.

At 11:11 I made a wish.

 

A call never came.

 

<;>

 

No, no, NO I need you, here. Lie to me again. Tell me this is all a lie. Tell me it has been one from the start. No, no, no I wasn’t ready no-

 

“Did you know?” a voice said. A napkin was presented in front of my eyes. With the way everything was blurry, I probably needed it.

 

Leave me alone, I wanted to say. But I couldn’t be selfish. I wasn’t the only one hurt.

 

I turned towards the source of the voice, founding Woohyun’s only brother, staring right at me. His eyes told me that he knew exactly what he was talking about but instead of an accusing stare, his gaze was warm, and understanding.

I shot him a brief smile.

 

“You did.” He didn’t seem to mind the one-sided conversation. “It’s okay, I did, too.”

 

“When?” That piqued my interest. Woohyun never said that anyone else knew.

“I’m his brother. I just know.”

 

We looked ahead at the body hidden beneath a mere cloth. Liquid antifreeze, the investigator said. Maybe arsenic.

 

“Are you mad, at him I mean?”

 

“I’m mad at my lack of actions,” I said quickly, just as quickly grabbing the napkin offered leaving room for no further answers. If he understood my tone, he didn’t show it because he kept on persisting.

 

“I thought so.”

 

“You do?” This guy was pissing me off.

 

“I know, actually.”           

 

“How?”

 

“He said so.”

 

When I said nothing, he left as quietly as he came in.

 

Only when I was at home, did I find the small SD card in between folds of the napkin.

 

I tucked it neatly in a clear jar between stacks of Polaroids and pages of poetry.

 

Not yet.

 

<;>

 

Stares. Glares. Accusing. Disbelief. Anger. Amusement. Hurt. Confusion. Disgust. And my most-hated of all, Pity.

 

My knuckles were sore, and bruises were starting to show. I wasn’t the strongest person to ever walk these halls, but right now I feel damn powerful. I strutted confidently, showing no signs towards others’ perception. An emotionless smirk was etched on my face.

 

“Oh, it must’ve been hard on you these past few days.”

 

He was taunting, searching for a fresh batch of gossip.  

 

“I mean, you guys were stuck like glue. There were even rumors about other things, you see.”

 

He carried himself well. He didn’t even bother to fake grief or longing. He talked as if I was an ant and he, the boot.

 

“I really didn’t see that coming! He was such a happy, young fool.”

 

I promise that I tried to keep it in.

 

“I’m a bit disappointed,” she smacked her lips. “I mean, what a coward-like thing to do, running away from your problems like that. Leaving everyone behind. Kind of selfish, if I may say.”

 

That did it.

 

I didn’t see any red. I didn’t tune out.          

 

I had released years of pent up anger, and I had enjoyed it.

 

I had wasted endless sessions on anger management and meditation, and I had enjoyed it.

 

I had hurt someone, and I had enjoyed every living second of it.

 

The fact that I felt right about it made it all-the-more glorious to me.

 

I held my head up high in front of the crowd. Students, teachers, staffs, heck probably even students' parents.

 

“You see,” I looked at their eyes dead on. “He was the strongest person I’ve ever met.”

 

<;>

 

“You’re probably mad at me. I would, in your situation. Scratch that, you’re furious, aren’t you? Yeah, I’m right, aren’t I? Please, be angry. Don’t be sad. Please don’t be sad.” A pause. “I didn’t what to do. I’m not one for words, and a phone call wouldn’t suffice. A-as selfish as it is, I wanted a piece of me for you. So here it is, I guess.” He laughed weightlessly, something I hadn’t seen in ages.

“You’re so shameless, laughing in a situation like this,” I chocked on my words.

 

“I’m gonna tell Boohyun to give it to you. You’re thinking that this is your fault, that you could’ve done more. And the whole reason this is for you is that I want to tell you so, so much that it’s not. You’ve been my solace, my haven, my only pillar. You’ve kept me here longer than what would-have happened if you weren’t here. You’ve kept me sane for as long as I can, could have been.”

I started sobbing. He is so, so beautiful and wonderful and I can’t see why all of that couldn’t have stayed for longer.

 

“Boohyun knows. I don’t know how, but he does, and he gets me, so no need for any anger or confusion at him.” He chuckled. “I’m pretty sure that you guys would hit it off.” His lopsided grin was back. God, it hurt.

I snorted without any humor. “Only you would try to set me up even to your last moments, only you Woohyun, only you.”

 

“It’s been hard, pretending that I’m okay, living a lie. The most frustrating part would be that there was nothing wrong with anyone. Anyone except myself. The problem started with me, and it will end with me, too.” His face was flushed with tears at this point. “Everyone else... so perfect in my eyes. My life is pretty awesome.”

Why can’t you see that you’re one of those ‘perfects’, too?

 

“You’ll be okay, Sunggyu. You’re a fighter. I still stand for my case, you’re better than most of them. It only hurts now. You’ll get into that school with that fancy name studying the joy of your life, you’ll get your own little patisserie one day, you’ll sit on the ledge of a lighthouse with the love of your life and you’ll live a life so filled with heart that you’ll be overwhelmed by it all. You’ll live as satisfied as a life can be lived, and I’ll be so proud of you. So, so happy.”

“I need you, you know that!”

 

“I’m nicely settled here. On my favorite longue chair, the first collector’s edition of ‘Young Avengers’ on my lap, Norah Jones playing in the background.” He gestured to his phone, which was connected to a speaker set. A birthday gift, last year. “I’m not saying goodbye, because I know that you hate the idea of a ‘goodbye’ when not everyone’s bound to meet again, and that’s the case with this one. But my heart hasn’t felt this light for months now and-“ He looked pained. “You know.” He took his mug of milk tea and poured what looked like liquid sweetener in it.

I gazed at my own cup of coffee, always a companion as I watch this footage every night. 10:30 PM.

 

As the life faded in his eyes, I thought back to the last time I saw those orbs, under the stars. His eyes seemed to have shined brighter then, and now I see the pair of those brightest stars, their light dimming, till it was nothing but empty black space.

 

Before his head tilted back (for good), he managed to mouth what seemed to be “Goodbye, sunshine”.

 

His body lost its tense and vigor, lost its core. I stared at the screen for what seemed like hours. I knew that half a day from then, his brother and his father would have managed to tear the door down. Gasps of shock and cries would soon ensue.

 

“Goodbye, summer.”