I didn’t know it yet, but Siwon would be one of countless exes I would encounter when Krystal was with me. They would come out of the woodwork, at parties states apart, at the randomest moments in concert lines and clubs, and chew holes into my heart deeper than the trenches of the ocean like termites hungry for pieces of my ever shattering spirit. It seemed to me that Krystal was just as important to them as the blood coursing through their bodies, that if they couldn’t have her once more, they would surely die, and I used to stare at them with such misunderstanding. Later, I would come to join them in their begging, except she was never mine the way she had been theirs. Sometimes I would burn with rage and fury when I saw her with them, when I had to come face to face with the bitter realization over and over again that she had loved more people than there were people who loved me. That she had belonged to someone else.

Maybe that was when I should have realized that Krystal wasn’t just one of those summer flings for me, when I started to be envious about people who I would learn she never even really loved. When I started imagining the nights alone with her sleeping gently next to me in bed, or sitting on the seat less than the stretch of hand away from me on the couch as I watched a movie by myself at home, or eating at the dinner table across from me. She made me so happy and so sad at the same time and there was no remorse filling my soul when I was with her - even though after she had left my presence I knew I was getting worse. My mind would suffer, my spirit would suffer, my heart would suffer. I had withdrawals from her often,every moment was the best when she was there, when she was with me. It was like she breathed the air I needed to live into my lungs when she was by my side. And every moment without her was empty and a rainy day, because she had left me with just enough oxygen in me to watch her walk away again.

Right after she explained her little dilemma, my mind went into hyper speed, with my thoughts flying inside my brain like rockets exploding through the atmosphere. Thousands of words popped into my head, a million sentences, and at least a dozen quick comebacks, but all I could manage to muster out of my open mouth was a choked, “Oh.” Even though it sounded trodden upon and half hearted and utterly disappointed, it filled the gaping silence and that was enough for her to perk up another conversation. While she was talking, my mind wandered. I guess I should’ve propped a mirror up in the tent, because if I had, I would’ve seen my eyes all aglow, and would’ve known I had fallen for her, too. But it was too late for me to stop the flowing of Krystal’s waterfall from crashing into me, from flooding my veins with the thought of her. And I would know later that we were always destined to be a pair of star crossed lovers with everything aligned in every way but the stars themselves.

“So I guess you’ve got a case of heartbreak, right?” Krystal was laying on her back with her head on my pillow and her legs lounging lazily across my lap. Yes, this was an incredibly rare moment in the life of Krystal. I grinned, “More like homesickness.” Krystal laughs and sits up, nudging me with her shoulder, “Well, I was kinda close, wasn’t I? I mean, aren’t all heartaches caused by ones we love?” She kind of made me stop and stare at her when she said profound things like that. That was the moment when I knew she was wise about love, that she must have thrown so much of it away for a good reason, that she wasn’t just some pretty face looking for a one night stand, she was searching for something, and had gotten hurt in the process of looking. Krystal gets up and pulls the tent flap away, staring out into the dark of the moonlight washing over the soft waves of the beach. I watch her with still red rimmed eyes and a sniffling nose as she smiles and tilts her head out towards the surf. Her voice was soft and gentle and her eyes were tinted with the light of the moon as she asked me, “Wanna go for a walk?”