Learn the new set of choreography at 2 am and master everything
after six hours; record, mix, and arrange the new song by 10 am and do it all over
again for the other 9 songs for the next 175,316.25 minutes; don’t pass by
camera lenses bare-faced; develop a talent at making animal sounds or
impersonations in the jimjilbang you call home in Seoul; rush to the dance studio
in your uniform right after cram school; when they ask you about your ideal girl,
make sure she is a much older actress known for her classic beauty and
domestic feel and not a celebrity within the same age bracket, because that way
no hate mails will be written; remix your title song with auto-tune before you
release it; is it true that you curse and have feelings like a normal human being?;
always watch your step in such a way that it won’t miss a beat; in public try to act
like the nation’s ideal boyfriend and not like the popular jerk you are so bent on
becoming; don’t curse and have feelings like a normal being; you mustn’t forget
your designated images, not even backstage; don’t tweet personal stuff—
everyone is following you; but I don’t really feel anything at all, and I never curse; this
is how to make it seem like the shoes you are wearing does not have shoe lifts;
this is how not to stumble on shoe lifts while dancing on stage; this is how to
answer questions when a scandal about your bullying back in high school is all
over the internet and so to prevent yourself from looking like the popular jerk I
know you are so bent on becoming; this is how you date your girlfriend so that
she does not receive any death threats; this is how you hide your girlfriend so
that she does not receive any death threats; this is how you have a private life—
far from the camera lenses, because camera lenses lead to upload-able files;
when you are cast in a variety show, make sure you react like a caveman and
give condescending comments or else you will not have any screen time and 10
hours of recording will go to waste; this is how you perform on a university stage;
this how you perform on a national stage; this is how you perform on an
international stage; this is how you sing a folk song; this is how you sing a foreign
song; this is how you sing your own song; this is how you smile for a magazine
photo shoot; this is how you smile for an ad campaign photo shoot; this is how
you smile for an album jacket photo shoot; this is how you smile for the paparazzi;
this is how you smile for your self-shot; this is how to behave in the presence of
the fans who don’t get to see you without BB cream, and this way do not see
through the porcelain skin and the double eyelid surgery the popular jerk I have
warned you against becoming; be sure to dress up every day, even if you’re just
going to the gym; don’t stop training and working just to get some sleep – you are
not just anyone, you know; don’t eat meat more than once a week – you might
ruin your figure and lose those abs; don’t rely too much on the fans’ affection and
support, because they might not be fans at all; this is how to make a hit song; this
is how to make too much money; this is how to make art; this is how to make
someone a star; this how to make someone a star that destroys another star on
her way up; this is how to construct a quotable statement; this is how to retract a
quotable statement, that way you don’t have netizens wishing for your death and
deportation; this is how to love your fans; this is how your fans love you; this is
how to keep dancing even after stumbling from a shoe lift and spraining your
ankle; and if this doesn’t make you a Hallyu star there are other ways, and if they
don’t work don’t be too dramatic and jump off the Han River carrying the wasted
10 years of being a trainee and watching everyone else debut; this is about
confidently blurting out a barely understandable statement in a concert at an
English-speaking country to impress; this is about being witty enough to be the
first one to laugh at yourself before the fans realize what you said was actually
English; this is how to live your dream; always check if the gadget is 3G to make
sure it’s WiFi-ready; but what if the gadget is pretty but not 3G?; you mean to say
that after all you are really going to be the kind of idol who will buy a gadget just
because it’s pretty even if it is not 3G?