i could use another cigarette;

i could use another cigarette;

“His condition has stabilized . . . seems to be no major . . . nervous system. Unfortunately, without further review . . . unable to scan . . .”

“Mom . . .” he rasped out. His mouth still felt cottony but his body didn't feel cold and his palms weren't sweaty anymore. The lights blurred around him as he lifted his heavy lids and ran his dry tongue around his sandy mouth.

“Ah, you're awake.”

A man in a long white coat blurred into the side of Hyuk’s vision. Hyuk barely turned his head left to see the man checking monitors and other machines he was apparently hooked up to. He managed to look back up at the watery ceiling. His eyes felt heavy and he struggled to keep them open while he smacked his dry lips a few times. Barely managing to choke out the word water, the doctor summoned a nurse with a plastic cup.

Lukewarm water escaped the sides of his lips as he downed the entire cup in one go – it was probably the greatest thing Hyuk had ever drank in his life. His head felt at least five times clearer and he was asking for more.

While the nurse was sent out for more, Hyuk took a moment to look around the room he was in but his eyes automatically froze when there was someone watching him from the window. The doctor ( Dr. Kwan ) was saying something, but all Hyuk could do was try to keep his ground from the holes that were being burned into his body by the stare . . . from his father.

When Dr. Kwan heard his heart monitor pick up, he immediately snatched Hyuk’s attention for vital-checking. “Are you alright? Tell me how you're feeling. Focus here,” The doctor pointed up at himself as he began prodding around Hyuk’s face and checking his pupils and pulse and the feel of his hands. “No, you're not going into shock again. What is it?”

Hyuk swallowed hard and then the doctor followed his line of sight to the window. “I'll shut the blinds,” he offered. Hyuk kept his reddened eyes trained on the sheets in front of him, trying not to let the new world of guilt at on to the entire universe he already felt.

After closing the blinds, Dr. Kwan moved back to his side. “What’s your name?”

Hyuk took a moment to collect himself, not taking his eyes off his sheets as he said the first things that came to mind. “Han Sanghyuk. I'm sixteen and go to Jawoon High School. My homeroom teacher’s name is Mrs. Wong and she has a funny habit of throwing a ball of tissue at a different student every morning.”

He peeked through the flattened, messy bangs up at the doctor, who stared for a moment before smiling, amused. “Well Han Sanghyuk of Jawoon High School, it seems like there are no signs of amnesia, but I'm afraid I can't say the same about minor head trauma.” he explained, the smile fading. “Do you remember what happened?”

Hyuk opened his mouth to reply only for it it be flooded with emotion and the too-well remembered memories of what happened and what he had done, and his –

“My mom,” he practically gasped out after swallowing thickly. “My mom, is she alright?!”

The doctor hesitated. The second he did, Hyuk choked on his fear and began to shake with silent sobs that rumbled through his body, his heart monitor going crazy with him.

Guilt drowned every part of his body and punctured holes in his lungs and seared his brain with a thousand images of the moment it all went to hell. The light had changed, hadn’t it? He swore, but . . . No, it must have been a store sign or something. Something that didn't stop the car from coming –

God, he had to be the world’s biggest failure. ( But he already knew that. )

By the time the wails were audible, the doctor was tweaking his IV. Hyuk was too far gone to notice a male nurse coming into the room, who helped push him back down onto the bed and restrain his arms on either side of him. He felt a sharp pain from somewhere between his shoulder and neck; his whole body came to realize that he had been clawing at his arms, which were angry and red now. Every part of him began to feel heavy after that. “Hysteria combined with head trauma, no matter how minor, is not ideal,” the doctor explained sympathetically, sighing.

“M - om . . .” Hyuk croaked, the guilt settling in the pit of his stomach and seeping through his veins like lead.

“Listen carefully,” Dr. Kwan’s voice was becoming sloshed and blurred to Hyuk but he tried to focus as much as his suddenly tired and heavy body would let him. “Because of your mental state and current head trauma, which I don’t know the full extent of yet, I’m not allowed to put you through any more mental stress. When you've fully calmed down, I will explain everything.”

Nothing registered as lethargy set in. There was nothing he wanted to do. At this point, living was too much pain. His last clear thought was I killed her.

. . .

“We can’t keep sneaking into places like this,”

“They weren't gonna let us in anyway!”

“Shh, you're going to wake him up.”

“Idiot. Look at the levels of morphine they've got cranked into his system.”

“Sorry we don't all know our way around drugs like you do, Wonshik.”

“Do you want me to cut your tongue out?”

“That’s enough.”

The steady voice was the last thing Hyuk heard before the cottony feeling in his mouth came around again. None of those voices . . . sounded like his father. Or his sister. ( His sister. She was probably hysterical. Good job, Hyuk. )

“Water . . .” he breathed out.

The voices started bumbling again.

“There's no water in here . . .”

“He sounds ing terrible, we have to get him some.”

“One of you – Jaehwan, go out and sneak back one of those little dixie cups.”

“What – Why me?!”

“Hey, are you disobeying your hyung?”

“Wait, you're not allowed to play that card!”

“Jaehwan,”

It was quiet.

“Ah – h - hyung . . . What’s with that scary look . . . ?”

The door quietly creaked open and Hyuk shifted. Trying to move his limbs around felt useless, but he managed to pry open his heavy eyelids. At least the room was dim enough that he wasn't getting blinded.

“Hyukkie!” someone squealed and goddammit, it sent a sharp pain through his head.

“Hyung . . .” another voiced tried almost exasperatedly, “Look at his face, you're too loud.”

There was a whine. The figures got clearer and it was great when he saw none of them were his father. “Y - ou guy - s . . .” he tried, seeing the relieved faces of his friends. “Shouldn't be h - ere . . . Someone sees you – ?”

Chairs moved and arranged around Hyuk’s hospital bed as Jaehwan tiptoed back into the room, balancing three cone-shaped paper cups in his hands while closing the door behind him. “What?” he complained when they all looked at him.

Hakyeon took one while Hongbin and Taekwoon helped Hyuk sit up.

“Did anyone see you?” Wonshik asked Jaehwan as Hyuk took the small paper cup and drank greedily, the amazing relief falling down his throat.

While he drank the second cup more slowly, he looked around at his friends; they were all obviously sneaked out of bed, wearing sweats and loose shirts with messy hair and tired in their eyes. They came to see him how late at night again?

“You guys shouldn't be here . . .” he repeated with a less scratchy throat, his eyes falling to the sheets.

Hakyeon waved his hand. “Nonsense! Of course we should be here – your sister called me and told me what happened.”

No, no – he didn't want to hear about his sister. He tightly closed his eyes as guilt became active again and he pinched the bridge of his burning nose to stop the head from spreading throughout his face. Hands were placed on both of his shoulders.

“It’s alright Hyukkie,” Hongbin comforted, grabbing the trembling hand and rubbing his thumb soothingly over the knuckles. He winced when Hyuk’s grasp started tightening, but didn't say anything as he looked at the others who watched their youngest friend start crumbling in front of them.

Sobs suddenly ripped from Hyuk’s body, loud and uncontrollable as he clutched at whatever held him. It was his fault. It was his fault. His fault. His fault. His fault.

hisfaulthisfaulthISFAULTHISFAULT

Nervous and a little alarmed, the other five teenagers goggled and gaped as Hyuk repeated that it was his fault with agony as his heart monitor beeped erratically.

“That thing's gonna alert the nurses,” Wonshik hissed, glaring daggers at the machine.

“What do we do?” Hongbin worried, his expression tight and panicky.

“Hyukkie, Hyukkie, Hyukkie,” Hakyeon repeated, trying to nab their maknae’s attention, “Here, focus here.” He snapped once for effect, which seemed to catch the black-haired boy’s attention.

Through tear-drowned eyes, Hyuk finally gazed at the oldest boy, sniveling and hiccuping and shaking – at that moment, the door burst open and in stormed a nurse. Practically horrified, she stared at the six boys who stared back in equal shock.

“What – are – you – doing in here?! How did you get in here?!” she shrieked, immediately dashing for the phone next to the door.

“No, no, miss!” Hakyeon panicked, standing along with Taekwoon and Wonshik. “Please don't call anyone – Sanghyuk, he’s our friend!”

The nurse's hand hovered dangerously close to the dial while she glared at the boys. Her gaze switched between them and Hyuk ( who almost felt too tired to care ), whose eyes still had a glisten that eventually softened her. She stood down.

“You do realize that the cameras probably caught you sneaking in, don't you?” she asked, but then she watched them glance over to the open window. Her eyes widened. “This room is on the third floor!” And then she was ready to call security again.

“Please don't,” Hyuk pleaded, and everyone looked at him. “Do you – . . . Do you know about my mom?”

The nurse bit her lip and looked at the clock on the far side of the room. “It’s late,” she replied carefully. “You boys need to go home now,”

No, Hyuk didn't want that. He needed someone to be here with him right now that he trusted – and that wasn't his dad, wasn't his sister, and wasn't this nurse. “Please let them stay for a little while longer . . .” he stammered, half-dead and half-hopeful.

The nurse looked the boys over and clearly wanted to say no, but her conscience got the better of her as she heaved a sigh. “Very well, but if they cause your condition to worsen, I won't hesitate to have them removed. Please be as calm as you can. Don't stress him out.”

Relieved, the boys nodded eagerly. She sighed one more time and then left the room. It was quiet as they shuffled around to get comfortable again, but still didn't say anything after settling down.

Jaehwan bit his lip and looked at their maknae who didn't seem so young; stress lined his face and he looked too tired and so lifeless that he could feel his own energy draining away too. He cleared his throat slightly. “You probably don’t wanna talk about it, but . . . We’re here y’know.”

At first, Hyuk felt angry that they were trying to make him relive that. Didn't he already go through enough crap without having to be asked about it again and again and again? It was like the world wanted him to feel guilty that he messed up so damn badly this time – so badly, that there was no going back. How could he do this to his mom? The one person . . .

But then something told him that he needed to talk about it. These were people he trusted, and no one else was going to console him half as much as they would – not his sister, not Dr. Kwan, none of the nurses or help, and definitely . . . Definitely not his father. If anything, his father probably wanted him dead. ( He wanted himself dead too. )

These were his best friends – now it felt like they were all he had.

He swallowed thickly, asking for another cup of water. After getting relief from it, he knit his eyes to the creamy sheets covering him. “I – . . .” he started weakly, “. . . My father wasn't really happy with me because my English grade, it – . . . I’m failing, so he was already not happy with me. And then I broke a dish in the kitchen because he scared me.

“I was gonna message one of you or something, but I fell asleep . . . My mom woke me up and we went out for a walk. She – . . .” His voice cracked and he clenched his eyes shut. What would they think if he kept crying like a big baby in front of them? “. . . She does – . . . did that whenever things happened with my father. Y’know, to make me feel better, I guess. It worked. S - So we went to the store to get some snacks and stuff. There’s this cross walk, and we got to the store fine, but we were talking . . . I wasn’t p – . . . paying attention. I thought the – the light. I thought it – . . . changed. I saw it change! I saw it change . . .

“I don't know what h - happened after that, I just – . . . She must have p - pushed me out of the way! It was m - my fault . . . my fault – And they still h - haven't told me how she is! What if she’s – what if she’s . . . !”

Other than Hyuk's sobbing and heart monitor, the rest of the room was quiet. The five older boys exchanged glances, unsure of how to make their maknae feel better. Eventually, Taekwoon stood and wrapped his arms around Hyuk’s quaking shoulders. Hyuk naturally curled into the strong hold and gripped even tighter on Hongbin, whose hand he had been clenching the whole time.

The other boys eventually joined in on comforting the sniveling Hyuk. Hakyeon planted his face into the crook of Hyuk’s neck. “Shh, Hyukkie . . . Hey, weren't you listening earlier? I don’t talk for my own health – shut up, Hongbin,” he quickly huffed. “But Hyukkie, seriously. I really did talk to your sister earlier. She told me about your mom’s condition . . .”

Hakyeon's magic words quickly reduced Hyuk to a sniveling mess. His large, bloodshot and shiny eyes peeked out from Taekwoon’s tear-stained chest to stare wetly at the older boy.

Hakyeon's smile was soft and reassuring, much to Hongbin relief because Hyuk released his death grip.

“She's going to be here for a long time, but as soon as her condition stabilizes, she’s going into surgery.” he explained, watching as Hyuk desperately hung on to his every word. “After that, your sister said that they expect her to make a well enough recovery, but . . .” he drifted off, his smile faltering a little.

Hongbin's newly widened eyes glanced over Wonshik as he felt fingernails digging into his hands. Wonshik gave him a sympathetic look.

Nothing could soften the blow for what Hakyeon told Hyuk next.

It felt like someone had taken a sledgehammer and slammed it into his stomach, knocking all the breath from his lungs. There were no clear thoughts in his searing brain and no other real sensations other than the fact that he was gnawing out the insides of his cheeks.

“Your mom is paralyzed from the waist down.”

His mouth was forming words, but he couldn't hear what he was saying, only that it must have been a request because Wonshik was hurrying over with the small trashcan from the corner.

Soon, vileness was burning the back of his throat and spilling from his mouth. Tears formed at the corners of his puffy eyes as he coughed violently, hanging over the side of his hospital bed and coughing up practically nothing but mucus. A gently patting hand on his back guided him all the way through it. In the back of his mind, he vaguely wondered where that uptight nurse was if his heart monitor was going off the charts.

The room was filled with nothing but the sounds of his retching for a few good long minutes. By the time it was over, Jaehwan was back with more paper cups filled with water. Hyuk only looked at them with disdain. Jaehwan glanced helplessly at the others and Taekwoon sighed, grabbing one.

“Stop that,” he said, and then tilted Hyuk's head back slightly to pour it down his throat. He didn't know how much he needed it until Taekwoon had forced him to drink it. Lifelessly, he grabbed the other cups and drank them too.

By the time everything settled down, it was at least 4AM. The boys were strung up but yawns still escaped their mouths and they were all eventually laying their heads onto Hyuk's bed, making small conversation towards him and around him as he leaned back against his pillow and stared at the ceiling with dull, lifeless eyes. He still hadn't let go of Hongbin's hand, who was his knuckles soothingly again.

This was definitely it. The worst was about to happen. His mom was going to hate him – and he didn't blame her because he would hate anyone who ruined him and his life completely.

Wait, he already had.

He already hated himself.

He glanced down to the IV lodged in his wrist.

Snatching his hand from Hongbin's warm hold and starling all of them in the process, Hyuk yanks out his IV and the blood starts pumping from the opened vein immediately. He forces his way out of the bed and around the others, his vision tunneling on the opened window and his head already feeling light.

The others are yelling his name but he can’t – won’t hear them.

He practically throws himself out the window –

Your name is Han Sanghyuk, and you'll do better next time, you promise.