i could use another cigarette;

i could use another cigarette;

Normally, he knew that he was the weakest link of the team. The most mess ups, the most missteps, the most stumbles. The wrong timing, the wrong footing, the wrong balance, window, side, position. Sure, whatever, but right now, he wasn't any of those things. He was the best of them. The best in the room, the best on the team. If only there were other people to see that. Well, besides Taekwoon, but he didn't count.

But Taekwoon was watching, and that was all he cared about. He also knew Taekwoon had a strange expression on his face, almost like he was concerned in some way.

His limbs burned and his lungs were shrunken. His heart pounded in his chest and his breaths came out in violent puffs. He whipped his body around, spotting himself in the mirror and then ing his pelvis forward while throwing his shoulders back. His feet barely touched the floor and his arms were never by his sides.

The music died.

The blood raced through his veins and its momentum dragged him forward even as he tried to stop and glare over at the stereo. His eyes narrowed when he saw Taekwoon and his weird concerned face.

"Why'd you stop the music?"

Taekwoon made his way over to Jaehwan, who took steps back and back . . . and back until he was pressed against the mirror, Taekwoon's face right in his. Heat flooded his cheeks and with all of the adrenaline working its way out of his system, he was feeling tired and heavy.

"You're a mess." Taekwoon whispered.

Jaehwan's heart thumped in his chest and he felt constant pangs of horror at how close Taekwoon was.

"I know you're upset about Hakyeon, but that's no reason to take it out on the team."

Taekwoon pulled back silently and then made his way back to the stereo. Jaehwan watched him with wide eyes, feeling the sting of sweat in them as he didn't blink.

How did Taekwoon know?

. . .

Hongbin and Jaehwan had a free period together while the others were still in class. They usually spent time doing playful banter or hanging out in the courtyard with their other classmates, but Jaehwan wasn't feeling it today.

"The Lee Jaehwan, not wanting to show off in front of people?" Hongbin mocked as they settled under a large tree's shade.

"Shut up Kkong . . ." Jaehwan murmured tiredly, shifting around to lay down and drop his head into Hongbin's lap. Hongbin's fingers automatically began running through his hair and he closed his eyes.

More seriously, "Is there something wrong?" Hongbin wondered quietly.

Jaehwan hummed. "Just keep doing that . . ." he mumbled, letting the fingers thread through his tangled thoughts.

Hongbin's hands were nice, but they just weren't the same . . . Hakyeon's hands were delicate and slender, soft to the touch and turned to gold whatever they came in contact with. Jaehwan loved that. He felt wanted when it was Hakyeon's hands, he felt like the world revolved around him from those simple touches.

He sighed. Hongbin didn't ask why.

Jaehwan lifted his hand to Hongbin's still in his hair and lazily grabbed it. He pulled it down to cup his cheek, nosing into the palm and inhaling deeply. Hongbin's hands smelled nice.

"Finally!" someone yelled in the distance, and Hongbin pulled back. The bell had rang without either of them hearing. Jaehwan didn't move his head from the lap he laid on. "Ugh, I thought that lecture was never going to end!"

Bouncing over to the pair under the tree was Hakyeon, trailed by Taekwoon. Cracking open his eyes, Jaehwan's sight flew from closely-watching Taekwoon to carefree Hakyeon, who plopped down next to them. "When's lunch gonna staaaart," he whined, dropping his head on Hongbin's shoulder who tensed up under Jaehwan.

"Seriously hyung," Hongbin sighed, trying to shrug Hakyeon's limp head off his shoulder. "Get off me."

The oldest teenager whined loudly. "How come you're not telling Jaehwan get off you?" he complained. "I thought I was your favorite hyung!"

Jaehwan listened to Hongbin scoff and felt him shift under him to get Hakyeon off. A little annoyed, he sat up and narrowed his eyes at both of his friends. Hongbin looked apologetic but Hakyeon just smiled brightly and Jaehwan felt his heart smack his rib cage at the sight. Before he could open his mouth to say something, Hakyeon piped up.

"Hey, I thought Wonshikkie was supposed to already be here!" He looked around. A gross, heavy feeling sank Jaehwan's heart and he shrugged.

"He's probably still in woodshop." the three of them heard Taekwoon quietly reply, but Jaehwan kept looking at Hakyeon. A weird twist flickered across his face at Taekwoon's words and Jaehwan wondered (worried) what was wrong.

"He'll probably be around soon," he said loudly, and Hakyeon looked at him, a smile rising on his face at the reassurance. He couldn't help but close his eyes again, feeling his face warm up.

. . .

Hongbin replied but Jaehwan couldn't read the message because of a knock on his door. He looked up.

"Honey, one of your friends is here," his mom frowned. "He looks a little stressed, I hope everything's alright." She didn't say anymore though and closed his door again.

Jaehwan raised an eyebrow and wondered who it was. Hongbin would have said he was coming over, Taekwoon hated coming to his house, Sanghyuk . . . was still in the hospital, and Wonshik was off doing whoever-knew-what. Which only left Hakyeon—the person he didn't really feel like seeing (not that it stopped his heart from beginning to beat heavily.)

Tossing his phone aside, he hopped up from his bed and headed downstairs. His mom and (unfortunately) Hakyeon were talking in the kitchen. Heart racing, Jaehwan stood aside the kitchen opening, out of sight to listen in. Hakyeon was talking about his sisters and his parents, but his voice sounded off and from he'd seen, Hakyeon was wearing practice clothes. Today's Thursday, who practices on Thursday again?

Psyching himself up a little, Jaehwan sighed and then walked into the kitchen. "Helloooo," he obnoxiously bellowed, marching over to the fridge for something to drink.

"Oh, Jaehwan," both Hakyeon and his mom greeted at the same time, and Jaehwan nearly banged his head on the ceiling of the fridge in confusion.

Drink in hand, he hopped over to Hakyeon's side, easily swinging an arm around his limp shoulders. He wasn't any kind of doctor, but it wasn't hard to tell something was bothering Hakyeon. Why come to his house though? I'm sure Wonshik is just dying to spend time with you, he thought bitterly, trying not to let it get the best of him.

"Don't be an , hyung."

Jaehwan nearly rolled his eyes at Hongbin, but kept it to himself. "Hey, let's go to my room," he piped, interrupting whatever thought his mom was about to start. Hakyeon barely nodded and Jaehwan was pulling him along, his mom calling something after him that he didn't care enough about to pay attention to.

After closing the door and plopping on his bed, he pat the spot next to him, drinking from his can. Hakyeon stood near the door, fingers fidgeting in front of him. Weird. "Something wrong?" he teased lightly, and he was going to laugh until he saw Hakyeon's eyes.

There were tears.

"Whoa, alright," he blurted, quickly scooting to the edge of his bed to get up, but Hakyeon (literally never shy of contact and hardly giving a about close quarters with friends) launched himself into Jaehwan's lap, throwing his arms around and burying his face into Jaehwan's neck.

Jaehwan sat for a few moments, arms open and barely touching Hakyeon, bewildered but kind of pleased, wondering what the hell happened to Hakyeon before he came over.

Figuring he should take advantage of the situation, he readily wrapped his arms around Hakyeon who was now sobbing freely, his back lightly, letting him soak the fabric of his shirt and breath a little too warmly onto his neck. It wasn't at all uncomfortable.

Alright, alright, you had your fill, he thought after a few minutes; he figured he should stop taking advantage of unknowing Hakyeon like this and be an actual good friend. He sighed.

Shrugging his shoulder lightly, he gently pressed Hakyeon back and readjusted the both of them on his bed so he could feel his legs again. "Alright," he sighed gently, "Did something happen?"

Hakyeon looked up at him with the most watery eyes Jaehwan had ever seen in his life and he felt his own nose burning with the sudden need to cry. "I mean . . ." He cleared his throat awkwardly, looking away before he could get more choked up. "You don't, y'know, have to tell me, that's okay too . . ."

He laid back when Hakyeon burrowed into his side. Jaehwan was starting to feel seriously worried. This normally never happened; Hakyeon was usually always laughing, smiling, or ing about something—those were his three modes, and Jaehwan wasn't prepared for this one.

"What's that?" He lifted his head, thinking he heard him mumble something. His breath hitched a little when Hakyeon threw a hand over his waist and pressed himself closer into the side of his body. "Hyung . . . ?"

This time he was for sure Hakyeon said something, because he could just barely make out Wonshik's name and the word practice. Something must have happened during their practice earlier. Wonshik probably said something stupid. Again.

Nothing happened for a few minutes. The sound of the ceiling fan filled the silence and Jaehwan's eyes watched it lazily spin, glad for the distraction—and then Hakyeon swiftly sat up and he flinched in surprise.

Hakyeon looked straight at him and a shiver ran up his spine, making him feel embarrassed. Even though Hakyeon's eyes were puffy and bloodshot, Jaehwan still stupidly thought he was pretty.

Hakyeon was always pretty to him. It was kind of dumb, but everything about Hakyeon was just so . . . nice. The way he laughed, the way he smiled. His spunk and determination, the way he didn't have to try so hard to command the attention of people, his natural charisma and fluid movements no matter what he was doing.

Hakyeon was just . . . perfect.

And he was still staring intensely at him, but Jaehwan couldn't look away, feeling trapped and a little (pleasantly) suffocated.

. . . And then suddenly, Hakyeon's face was only centimeters from his. He didn't know when he moved (not that he cared), but they were close enough that Jaehwan could smell the musk from both the practice room and the cool night, plus faint traces of whatever cologne Hakyeon used that morning. He almost closed his eyes, but Hakyeon still had him entranced and now he was getting nervous, his skin feeling itchy with a heating face.

"H-Hakyeon . . . ?" he tried, hating that his voice trembled. Was this one of those "Let's see how far we can get without anyone saying anything." sort of things? "Are you al—"

Hakyeon kissed him.

He put their lips together.

N-No way . . . Jaehwan thought, boggled with his eyes widening. This was completely, totally happening. It wasn't a dream. It wasn't a dream, was it? He hoped it wasn't a dream. (He dug his nails into his palms just to check. No, it wasn't a dream, Holy .)

Jaehwan pressed back right then, surprising Hakyeon, but he didn't pull away, only taking it as an okay to go a little farther. His hands slipped onto Jaehwan's shoulders and pulled them closer together. Jaehwan shifted his head, his hand coming up to run through Hakyeon's hair.

A small (like, really small, super tiny, pretty much atomic) part of him was asking why this was happening. What happened to Hakyeon? He just suddenly showed up at his house, and then he cried a lot, and now they were kissing? This isn't right. But Jaehwan couldn't bring himself to stop.

This was what he wanted. He wanted someone to focus on him, just him, only him. It didn't really matter who, now that he thought about it, but at some point, he'd locked onto Hakyeon . . . Only to find out Hakyeon had the hots for Wonshik—not that it was Wonshik's fault, but Jaehwan couldn't do anything but blame Wonshik for . . . For existing, basically. Sure they'd had each others asses since probably middle school, but Hakyeon . . .

Was sliding his tongue into Jaehwan's mouth, cool.

No, this isn't okay! The tiny voice shouted at him, but he tried to ignore it because the heat in his body was started to get more intense.

They shifted on the bed, and then Hakyeon's head was on the pillow and Jaehwan was over him, arms propping himself up as he tilted his head down.

Finally, when his neck was starting to ache a little too much, he pulled back. Hakyeon sighed, sounding content. Jaehwan just felt confused and hot. He sat back on his knees with his hand hovering over his mouth, staring back at Hakyeon's lips. "H-Hyung . . . ?" he mumbled.

"You're such a good kisser Jaehwanie," Hakyeon cooed dreamily (he sounded not all there), and he propped himself up on his elbows. "I'm sorry, that went a little further than it should have . . ."

Than it should have? He planned this? Here Jaehwan was actually worried about someone else for once and . . . And . . . "Why'd you kiss me?" he asked dumbly.

Hakyeon bit his bottom reddened lip, looking like he was coming up with something. "I . . . wanted to . . ." he replied lamely, "Your lips . . . are pretty nice . . ."

Before Jaehwan could say anything else, the bed vibrated lightly and Hakyeon jumped, laughing nervously. "Oh, sorry, that's . . . That's me."

They pulled father away from each other and fixed their appearances. While Hakyeon pulled out his phone, Jaehwan adjusted his shirt, watching him with a dumb expression. Nothing was processing right, all he could really hear was his heartbeat, and his lips weren't the only thing on his body that were probably wet.

Hakyeon sighed, looking up from his phone with a frown. "I have to get home now, homework . . . Homework and all." He awkwardly stood from the bed, fixing the hem of his sweats and the sleeves of his sweater. Jaehwan gave him a once over and felt even warmer. He was still perfect.

"Thank you, Jaehwan," Hakyeon murmured, his voice a little thick and strange again, "I'm . . . Uh. I'm sorry about the thing—the kiss! I mean the kiss . . ." Why was he apologizing? Jaehwan wasn't really paying attention, still looking at everything about him. "I'll see you at school . . . tomorrow? . . . Jaehwan?"

He jumped hearing his name. "Yeah!" he exclaimed, "Yeah, school tomorrow, see you then, yeah . . ." Everything was fuzzy and confusing, but he was doing his best. "Should I . . . Should I walk you out?"

Hakyeon was already at the door somehow. "No, that's alright," he replied a little too quickly, and Jaehwan looked down in embarrassment. "S-See you tomorrow!" And then he was gone. Jaehwan heard his quick steps down the stairs.

He stared at the door, baffled. What the hell just happened?

Glancing over to his abandoned phone, he just then realized he left Hongbin hanging and slowly picked it up, going through the motions of getting back to the chat, mind elsewhere (on a pair of lips, on a slender body, on a cheerful voice, on a pair of bright eyes.)

The messages loaded and he read the last thing Hongbin sent him.

Jaehwan's heart stopped.

And then the phone flew across the room.

Your name is Lee Jaehwan, and instead of having his back, you're on his back.