Love
LoveA cloudless sky, a wisp of breath and that familiar scent of cologne; the three tell tale signs that you are here with me. Some say I am weird but it is only when the sky is void of clouds that I feel your presence with me. I feel as though you never left me. The breath of yours sends chills down my spine. Even if I know it is just a gust of wind, I like to pretend that it is your breath blowing onto my skin. I am in denial, they say, but I do not really care.
Among the three things that I have just described, only the cologne is real. I still have your cologne. I never threw it away. Yoochun threatened to do so but when I just started tearing abruptly, he stopped. It is the only thing of you I have left. I can not let him take that away from me. I have already lost so much. Sure, I have regained friendship with Changmin, Junsu and Yoochun, but Yunho, what are those compared with you?
I miss you Yunho. Even if the wind is howling, even if the sky is free of clouds, even if the air is thick with cologne, I still miss you. Every time I close my eyes, I see you. You are smiling at me, reaching out your hand as I fall in your presence, awed by your attractive looks and presence. Yet, I fail to grasp your hands; mine slipped through yours like a knife slicing butter.
Are we really not meant to be? I question myself sometimes. Does fate really hate the idea of us being together? I love you so much Yunho. You saved me from myself. You gave me a new life, a new beginning... I will never forget that Yunho ah, I will never ever forget that.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
I love you so much so that I am willing to die for you, but you will not allow that will you? What were your last words to me?
"Don't die. I won't forgive you if you do."
Yunho ah, I hate you as much as I love you, you know? I hate you for making me fall in love with you. I hate you for making me believe in myself. I hate you for giving me hope. I hate you for teaching me forgiveness. I hate you for everything you have come to be in my life and so much more. I hate you so so much, do you know that?
Yet, you still love me. Yet, you do not give up on me.
Yunho ah, do you remember the last text I sent you? If you do not, here is what I sent you, word for word:
'If I told you I would be happier if I died, would you be happy for me?"
I remember the long silence after that, Yunho ah. I guess you panicked and flipped out. After all, you were not expecting it were you? I don't think you were. You didn't seem to notice it when I was feeling sad, faking a smile or even shedding a tear.
Or maybe you did. Maybe you are just in denial, just as I am. I would cry for no reason at all. I would feel sad despite there being nothing to be sad about. I would feel like it is a chore to be happy, yet you never knew did you, Yunho? I was the best actor in my self-scripted play. I was a talent in this. I am Kim Jaejoong after all, ex DBSK member and current JYJ member.
And yet, what did you reply me?
"Don't die. I won't forgive you if you do."
I hate you Yunho ah. I hate you so much now. Why did you reply my text? Why did you lose your focus on the road? You are driving Yunho ah, you are not supposed to be using your phone at the same time. Did you not see the incoming car ahead? Did you not notice the rumbling sound your engine was making? Why Yunho why? Why did you think that replying my text was more important than safety on the road?
Why?
I can visualize it clearly in my head. The screeching of tires, the pressing of brakes, the trickling of the leaking diesel oil, and the ferocious fire that consumed the vehicle and you within in.
Why?
Why Yunho? Why did you give me yet another reason to hate myself? Why did you snatch the beacon of hope and crush it to bits?
I'm sorry, Yunho ah. It is my fault you are dead. If I had not text you, you would not have replied right? You would have been focusing on the road. You would have noticed the incoming car. You would have avoided it. You would have lived.
I'm sorry.
It is all my fault.
I'm sorry,
but Yunho ah, I will continue living. Your death has brought us closer together more than ever. Changmin stays with me now. He is not confident in living me alone these days. Junsu finds an excuse every alternate day to check on me and make sure I am doing fine. Yoochun, needless to say, has been by my side every waking hour ever since your demise. He is determined not to leave me to my own devices, similar to how Changmin is. They both are really protective of me. It is quite stifling to be near them. They are so uptight these days I wish you were here to tell them to loosen up. I am sure that they will listen to you. They always did.
"And always will."
"Changmin! Yoochun! What are you guys doing here?" Jaejoong exclaimed, the shock of seeing them right next to him startling him out of his wits.
"Hmm," Yoochun ignored Jaejoong, staring at the cologne in his hands instead, "so that's why you like staying out in the balcony huh?"
"Even if I know it is just a gust of wind, I like to pretend that it is your breath blowing onto my skin," Changmin recited directly from the letter Jaejoong had written.
"Hyung, that's way too greasy man!" he scrunched up his brows and tossed the letter to Yoochun, ignoring Jaejoong's protests, "See it for yourself Yoochun hyung!"
"Wow. So what do we have here?" Yoochun examined the letter in his hands, missing Jaejoong's exasperated look, "I have regained friendship with Changmin, Junsu and Yoochun, but Yunho, what are those compared with you?" Yoochun read it word for word, causing the faces of Jaejoong to whiten in terror and Changmin's to blacken in anger.
"Hyung!" Changmin shouted, pointing his finger at Jaejoong, "How could you? Are we nothing compared to Yunho hyung?"
"Changmin ah," Jaejoong tried to pacify the angry maknae, "You know I didn't mean it right?"
"Then? What do you mean by that statement huh?" Changmin fired away, causing Jaejoong to tense further.
"Changmin ah-"
"Hold on. Jaejoong hyung, is this part true?" Yoochun interrupted the fight between Jaejoong and Changmin, his face stern as he pointed to a segment in the paragraph written, "Do you blame yourself for Yunho hyung's death?"
"Yoochun ah-"
"No, Jaejoong hyung! Listen! Yunho hyung's death has nothing to do with you okay? Even if he had not replied your text, he still would not have been able to swerve on time. The person behind the wheel was crazy! At the rate he was speeding, Yunho hyung wouldn't have made it, so don't blame yourself okay?"
"Yoochun ah," Jaejoong chuckled, shaking his head as he did so, "don't worry about it. I promised Yunho I would live for him. I don't intend to break that promise."
"Jaejoong hyung." Changmin and Yoochun whispered, clearly seeing the tears withheld in Jaejoong's eyes.
"Don't worry about it," Jaejoong stressed, a smile still present on his face, "I'll be fine. After all, I have you all with me, right?"
"And you'll never leave me ever."
Jaejoong whispered the last phrase to the sky, a tear sliding down his cheek as he did so.
I love you Yunho.
The End.
Author's Note: Sorry for the lousy drabble here. Was really just expressing my feelings and thoughts without much thinking. :( Good news is, the holidays are here! WOOHOO! Kajima Yunho Yah will be updated as soon as I'm done editing it and The Phone Call will definitely conclude within this holidays (or I can just bang the wall and die). Thanks for being so patient readers. Love ya~ Hope you don't mind this weird drabble~ :D
Comments