Soomi sat up as her alarm clock went off. As she sat up on her bed, dread filled her entire body.

It was school day again, and she has to go to school again.

She hates school.

She is just a real wallflower while her friend was such a cheerful and sociable person. She looked like a complete failure when she stands beside her friend. She couldn’t open up. She was too quiet, She was too cold.

No one really wanted to look or even talk to her. She was simply like an invisible person. People walk pass her without glancing at her. They didn’t want to be in the same group as her.

Some people even ask for her name every single week they see her.

And it hurts.

But no one will understand. They never will.

They have many other things to remember too, try to think in their shoes.

Yes, she tries to understand.

Even if she does, it still hurts. No matter what.

And worse, she has to repeat her name with a smile while cracks formed in her heart.

School is simply bull. She wants to stay home. She wants to watch movies. She wants to sleep.

Forever.

Another reason, is of course, because of Kris.

Kris left her, left her for someone else. Someone who is prettier, someone who is more confident, someone who isn’t quiet. Someone who isn’t cold.

The last words he had said to her, it was etched deeply in her heart. Those words that were like knives.

“Stop being so ing insecure and get a life. You don’t know how boring you are do you? All you ever do is keep quiet. All you ever do is to coop yourself at home. Go out and socialize. Don’t just stay home and be a weirdo everyone hates,”

Tears was starting to form at the corners of her eyes and she tried to blink them away.

Starting the day with tears isn’t rare though, in fact, it happened often.

And there really isn’t much Soomin can do to change the way she starts her day since every night she falls asleep crying.

Soomin sighed and got out of bed.

It’s going to be another day with fake smiles and forced laughter.

-

The moment Soomin stepped into the school gates, she had to witness Kris walking pass her with his arms around his current girlfriend’s waist.

Kris caught her staring at them and gave her a smirk before walking away.

Soomin groaned inwardly, knowing today was not going to be a good day for her.

Soomin didn’t really felt anything when Kris smirked at her. Not that she was over him or anything. But because she’s so used to it, it doesn’t matter anymore.

Sad right? Being used to pain and being hurt.

-

Soomin dragged her feet towards the classroom, eyes casted on the floor, head touching her chest.

Accidentally, she bumped into someone and fell, hard, onto the ground.

She hissed at the pain of the impact. It’s interesting how falling hurts and hurtful words doesn’t.

“I’m sorry! Really sorry! Are you okay?” the guy in front of her apologized.

Soomin laughed bitterly inside. Was she okay? Of course not. But she couldn’t tell anyone. Because she really doesn’t know how to.

“I’m fine. It’s okay. I was the careless one,” Soomin bowed to the guy after finally getting onto her feet.

The guy was already gone. Soomin sighed and shook her head, laughing at herself.

Of course, of course.

-

As she entered the classroom and walk to her usual seat, she saw her close friend going around taking pictures and interacting.

Soomin envied her so deeply. Why was it that she was the only one who couldn’t get out there and ing interact with others?

Why is it that it’s so hard for her yet so easy for other people?

Just exactly why?

Soomin bit her lips, taking in a deep breath to force back the tears that were threatening her to fall.

“Stop being a weakling and get on with life!” Soomin shrieked in her mind.

Her bag dropped on the ground softly and she sat on her chair with a thud.

“Soomin! Can you help me file these papers into the fastener?” her friend asked with the same cheerful voice.

It irritated her. Was she some kind of servant?

“Where’s your fastener?” Soomin asked, her voice showing a glimpse of irritation.

“Haha, you’re irritated right,” her friend laughed and gave her the fastener before skipping away joyfully to take photos.

Soomin shook her head and started filing her papers for her, although she was annoyed.

-

Finally, Soomin reached her house and she sighed in absolute relief.

She had survived her school life once again by acting normal.

Even when she wasn’t.

She took out her phone and stared at her phone.

She wanted to message her best friend, but she was hesitant.

She didn’t know if her text might annoy her. She didn’t know if she was disturbing her. She didn’t know if she would be irritated by it.

And so she didn’t.

And she hated herself for not messaging her. She hated herself for being a coward. She hated herself for being an insecure freak.

In general, she just hates herself.

-

Soomin stepped out of the bathroom,  hair soaked and body wet.

She saw the layers of fats on her stomach but they didn’t really bother her. She likes fats to be honest. They were the only thing that kept her warm.

What she was looking at was her thighs. Was he thigh going to end up with swollen red lines again?

She knew it probably would be that case.

Soomin jumped onto her bed.

And for the next few moments, she stared at the ceiling.

Her memories with Kris rolled like a film in her mind.

She smiled at the thought of Kris being once happy with her.

Or was that just an act? Was that only forced happiness? Was she an obligation? Was she boring Kris to hell yet Kris had to act like he was happy?

Every single cruel question shot through her heart.

She was starting to over-think again.

Depression and loneliness are slowing closing up on her, ready to jump at her, who was their prey every single night.

They were like dementors. They away all the happiness that was left in her. They emptied her pockets of any joyful memories. They poured hurtful comments on her. They till tears sprung out of her eyes.

Yet Soomin was defenseless against them. She would just lie lifelessly on her bed, letting depression and loneliness attack her while she express her pain with tears.

Good thing is, she discovered something that could lessen her pain by just a little bit.

And now, when depression and loneliness starts attacking, Soomin got up desperately and starts searching for her keys.

Sighing in relief when she found her keys, she sat back on her bed.

The tip of the key glided across her thigh. She was glad that the physical pain was taking away some of her pain.

She couldn’t cut because she promised herself and vowed to god, that she would not let life win this battle. She would survive. She would fight with life and the other bad things that life is throwing at her.

Cutting means admitting defeat, and she would absolutely not let that happen.

Finally, late in the night, all the pain stopped. She was finally numbed. Soomin sunk into her pillow with her eyes leaking tears.

Before sleeping, she promised herself again that she would stay strong and tough. She would continue acting strong and show no sign of pain. Because acting strong really helped her cope better than letting everything out.

She was strong. She was tough. She will survive. She will get through this. She will.

But healing?

She doubts that would really happen even if she recovers.