There he was locking himself in the closet again. He seemed to be doing it more often now. He wanted, no, he needed to get away from it. It was just too much for him to bear. He hugged the worn out pink teddy bear and rocked himself gently as the hot tears he was hiding flowed endlessly.

I’m okay… I’m okay… I’m okay…

He repeated these words as if it would happen if he kept saying it in his head. His hands gripped the bear tightly as his shoulders shook from his sobbing. He was good at acting, at hiding his emotions. Everyone thinks he’s okay. Minsoo even felt proud that his dongsaeng was handling this well. Andromeda hasn’t even suspected anything. He was all smiles and laughter to them all but within the four walls of this closet, he can’t lie.

Months ago, he was the happiest person alive. Who knew it would come to this?

“Changhyun-ah..” he nervously said as they were at the bridge under the night sky in Lotte World. It was only the two of them. He purposely went away from their band mates, he wanted this night to be special for him and Changhyun. The younger looked at him as he tilted his head slightly.

“I love you.”

Changhyun’s eyes grew wider at his words. All he could hear was the throbbing of his own heart. Does Changhyun feel the same way about him? He felt embarrassed and scared as he watched Changhyun’s shocked face carefully. His dongsaeng never pulled away from his affectionate hugs and skinship, that means something right? Changhyun could feel the same for him, right?

Changhyun opened his mouth to say something at the same time the fireworks started. He blinked in confusion trying to decipher the younger’s words. Changhyun looked at the fireworks pouting cutely as he usually does when he’s annoyed. He had no idea what was on his dongsaeng’s mind. He still stared at him in fear.

In an instant, he felt soft lips against his cheek and a warm hand in his. It was his turn to be shocked as the younger boy giggled. That night, under the firework filled sky of Lotte World, they officially became a couple. The night which Yoo Changhyun long for the most.

I should be happy.. Think happy thoughts, Changgie..

Oh damn, even his own nickname made him cry again. Changgie. That was what he called him. His voice was so lovingly sweet to the younger’s ears. It was like something as bland as his name is instantly special when it escaped from his lips. The slight slur of his tongue as he says it sends shivers down Changhyun’s spine. He loved it when he said his name.

He curled up in a ball in the floor of the closest as he remembered the time when he used to hear his name said by the older with such a loving tone. He hated how everything reminded him of his hyung. Every single part of their dorm is attached to a memory…

“Hyung! Shh.. Don’t be too loud.” Changhyun slightly covered his mouth to silence his laughter. It was the night of their 100^th day together. He had reserved a movie house for them but because of a sudden schedule they were now stuck in the dorm. As a compromise, they just opted to watch some DVDs while everyone was sleeping.

“But I can’t help it, Changgie! It’s too funny.” He chuckled silently as Antique Bakery was showing on their flat screen television. The main character was obviously male, how can anyone think otherwise? He thought as he chuckled again. Changhyun hit him playfully in the arm. He then nodded his head as he smiled with his eyes and watched the movie silently while the younger was on leaning on his chest.

Long after the movie finished they were still cuddling in the couch. He loved Changhyun’s warmth against him. They were wearing the matching rings he got for them. Changhyun’s was gold plated as his was white gold plated. He knew they still had to be careful about their relationship, thus he didn’t buy identical ones. He bought the same design in different makes. They murmured loving words to each other as they kissed each other lovingly.

He was finding it hard to breathe again. He stared at the empty space in front of him blankly. This always happens. First he would feel pain, then sorrow and now numbness. He didn’t feel like moving. He felt as though his body was heavy. He sighed out loud as he buried his head on the bear’s chest pushing a button unknowingly.

“I love you, Changgie! You are the most beautiful pig in the world!”

“Hyung… Are you really gonna spend the holidays in America?” Changhyun asked him sadly. His parents is forcing him to spend the holidays in America to be with the relatives they left there when they came back to Korea. He didn’t like this one bit. It was their first holiday as a couple. He wanted it to be special. Not like this. He clenched his teeth as he nodded bitterly.

“I’m sorry, Changgie.. There was nothing hyung could do.”

Changhyun smiled brightly at him while hugging him. He felt the younger resting his head on his neck. He Changhyun’s hair gently and reassuringly.

“It’s okay, hyung.” Changhyun looked into his eyes, “Take lots of photos to show me when you come back, okay?”

He chuckled and kissed the younger. When he pulled back he stared at the other’s face and his cheek gently. “Not a day will pass by without you in my mind.”

The day he left, Changhyun received a text message telling him to check his closet. Once the younger opened the closet he saw a human sized pink teddy bear with a card attached to his hand. Changhyun couldn’t help but smile in happiness as he read the letter.

“Hey Changgie. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I’ll be gone for a week so I’m going to leave this teddy behind so you won’t forget about me. Let’s call him Byunghyun, it’s our names mashed together. Oh, he inherited his color from me! He’ll give you cuddles while I’m gone. I love you so much, Changgie. I’ll see you soon. PS. You’ll hear a surprise if you cuddled him tight enough. ;)”

That night, Changhyun slept in his closet. He woke up when Minsoo found him cuddling the bear. Minsoo had his hunch proved true and assured Changhyun he won’t speak a word to anyone.

He closed his eyes as the memory over powered him. The pain hit him again. The tears in his eyes started rolling down the side of his face again. He didn’t know until now how it happened. He didn’t understand why it happened. No matter how hard he wished, nothing could change the fact that it happened. His hyung’s betrayal.

He was drifting apart from Changhyun. He knew Changhyun was aware of it. He saw the younger looking at him as he was asking help from Chanhee in the chorus part of the dance the other day in practice. He didn’t understand why but being with Chanhee was making his heart beat faster. The fact that Chanhee was openly flirting and teasing him wasn’t helping.

There was a time after Inkigayo when he was lying on the floor of the waiting room feeling dead tired and Chanhee just happened to sit next to him. Chanhee pulled him up and laid his head on the older’s lap. The older gently massaged his head as he felt his cheek turn bright red at the realization that he could feel the older’s manhood against his cheek.

Chanhee wanted him. He knows it very well. The older would wink at him and make his insides turn to mush. He knew it was wrong and that Changhyun would get hurt but it was thrilling. The older made him go crazy in ways Changhyun wouldn’t understand due to his innocence.

He recalled that day vividly as he felt the anger rise from him. He frowned and grunted in disgust. It was a Saturday, Minsoo had assigned him and Jonghyun to buy some food for the dorm as the leader and Niel would clean the living room and kitchen while Chanhee and Byunghun would clean the rooms.

The maknaes came back with a taxi full of groceries. Minsoo and Niel helped the two sort and arrange the food in the pantry and the fridge. Changhyun excused himself to go to the bathroom as his stomach wasn’t feeling well. He came up the stairs when he heard muffled voices. Walking slowly towards the pink haired’s room the voices became clearer.

“Byunghun-ah~ Don’t s-stop!”

“Chanhee-ah!! I-I’m --- Ahh!”

Changhyun’s eyes widen in realization. His heart broke with every sound he heard. He stood there in the door staring blankly at the door knob. He didn’t know what to do. Tears ran down his cheeks as he remained still. He hadn’t realized he stood there for a long time until the door opened. He looked up and saw Byunghun, his Byunghun hyung, looking at him in shock. The tears from his eyes have long dried and he did what his instinct told him to, he smiled. When he did, the older felt relieved and he felt happy Changhyun understood him.

That was it. No explanations, no talks, nothing. That night at dinner Chanhee and Byunghun announced to everyone they were dating. Minsoo looked surprised and shifted his gaze at Changhyun who was smiling and clapping cheerfully with Jonghyun.

It has been months since that fateful day. Changhyun was fast asleep. His tears have long since dried. It has been hours since he went inside the closet to sleep. He had cried himself to sleep again tonight. He snored lightly as he wrapped his arms around Byunghyun the bear, the action triggered the button as the boy was in deep slumber.

“Changgie-ah! I’m Byunghyun. I’ll give you cuddles while Byunghun is gone.”

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What even was that crap I wrote. OTL 

Ahh well.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BB! I know it's not quality but it's the thought that counts right? ^O^