Losing Love

The essence of all souls is their scent.

Junsu made his way out of the restaurant he went in for lunch to go out into the busy streets of Seoul. He lifted his gaze heavenward and saw that dark clouds were forming. A sigh escaped his lips as he carefully felt his jacket pocket. He knew what was in his pocket. It was a shape he had memorized all through these months. It was the thing that he never left the house without. Junsu smiled bitterly at the thought. It was the same thing that he had always wanted to make ever since he caught a whiff of it. It was funny that the main reason he was very happy to have found this was also the reason why he felt so torn these days.

Making his way toward the streets, Junsu tried to walk without bumping into anyone. A sudden movement from his left jolted him out of his reverie. A young woman almost collided with him. She turned to him to apologize. Just as she locked gazes with him, she inhaled and seemed startled. Junsu knew what happened. She smelled him. She smelled the perfume. His perfume. The woman then looked as if she just saw heaven and made a move towards him. Before she could say anything else, Junsu had already left. Leaving a trail of the scent that Junsu knew would haunt her for the rest of her life. He knew the feeling.

He didn’t want to smell it anymore, so he didn’t use it this morning. The same routine that he had been doing days ago. But the smell of the perfume seemed to had seeped through his skin. It was like it was part of his body. It was like he couldn’t get rid of it. He tried to wash it off but he could still smell it. And it sickened him.

He continued walking and the air, it seemed had just gotten thicker. A glance upward confirmed Junsu’s fears. It was going to rain. And he had to hurry. Grimacing slightly when some people stopped walking to glance at him, Junsu forcibly made his way through them. It was a predictable reaction from the perfume and he was annoyed by it. So he tried his best to walk forward and remembered to hurry.

He just got a call from him earlier and he had to hurry to their meeting place. Junsu wanted nothing more to do with the affair so he thought, the faster he got there, the better. So he walked as fast as his feet could carry him.

***

Yoochun’s eyes kept straying to look at the end of the street where he knew Junsu was going to come. He had been waiting for ten minutes and he was becoming restless. He wasn’t sure if today would be the last day he would ever smell that sweet scent he was deeply passionate of getting before. Yoochun only knew that if he so much as smell a pinch of it, he’d die.

Closing his eyes, Yoochun inhaled only to get a whiff of the hauntingly elusive scent that he had always dreamed of. He didn’t want to use it this morning but he just couldn’t resist. He knew he was punishing himself but he had to use it. His brow furrowed as he tried to erase bad memories associated with this smell. Yoochun tried his best to think of the happier times when he smelled it, but his mind kept on betraying him. Memories of pain and loneliness just flowed through him as his senses were continuously assaulted by the heady scent. He opened his eyes when the pain became unbearable. He knew had to stop this but his heart was not listening to him.

After some minutes, he observed that some people were looking at him strangely. He knew that look. They were seeing him like an angel who went down from the heavens. It was his scent. Yoochun knew it. The smell was making these people entranced. Any moment now and they would flock towards him. He knew then that he had to leave the place.

He glanced at the same direction he was looking at earlier. He wanted to leave but he knew he couldn’t do it. Not just yet. But he had no choice.

Then, Yoochun felt a drop of water fall on his hand. He looked at it and it occurred to him that it was starting to rain. He sighed and looked up the sky. It seemed like it was crying. He didn’t really want to cry. Not anymore.

He removed a vial from his pants pocket and stared at it. It was his perfume. No, it was their perfume. They were both so happy when they finished it. The final outcome was more than they expected. Both of them were delirious with joy when they made it. Yoochun laughed a bitter laugh. How naïve of them both to think that they could be happy with the perfection that they made.

With the perfume made, the both of them went on with their relationship. Yes, it was glorious. They were very happy. Everyone said that they were perfect for each other. The golden pair. The kings of scents. If only that were true Yoochun wouldn’t be this unhappy now.

***

The rain angrily poured down everything and everyone. All around there were people scurrying away. Wanting to get out of the rain. But two people stayed under the wild torrent of water. They seemed to want getting drenched under the rain.

Junsu was still heavily breathing from all the fast walking he did when he reached the appointed place. When Yoochun saw him, Junsu immediately stepped forward. They took one look at each other through the haze of rain water.

“Hey.” Yoochun said.

Junsu just nodded his head in response. His throat was constricted with emotions. If he tried to speak, he might break down. And he didn’t want that. He wouldn’t appear weak now.

“Did you bring it?”

“Yes. I have it here.”

Yoochun gave him a nod, “Good. Let’s finish it.”

Junsu agreed silently and took out the vial he had in his jacket pocket. He saw that Yoochun also had his vial in his hand. They both gave each other a glance that signaled ‘okay’. They uncapped both of the vials and without looking at each other, poured the contents on the street. Immediately, the intoxicating scent of the perfume hit them. Junsu felt like what he did was wrong but he steeled himself over that emotion. Yoochun’s face showed nothing as he looked at what they had done.

They watched as the rain mingled with the perfume on the ground. It was their last vials of the perfume that that both made. As the water washed away the sweet-smelling liquid, both of them hoped that the scent would fade from their memories too.

The both of them looked up and quietly understood. Yoochun gave Junsu a small wave and his heels to leave. He left immediately because by then, his eyes had started to water. He couldn’t bear to see Junsu leave so he knew he had to turn around first.

With each step, Yoochun’s heart broke. He tried to capture the scent, his scent, Junsu’s scent in his memory but he couldn’t smell him anymore. He just couldn’t. He breathed in hard but all that Yoochun could smell was the rain.

Yoochun felt his heart throb in pain. He couldn’t face the fact that Junsu was gone. Before he knew what he was doing, his feet had already started running. People were looking at him as if he had gone mad, they didn’t know that he had just lost his heart.

Junsu also turned and started walking away. He was soaked by the rain at the time he had taken the last steps away from the street. He didn’t turn around to see Yoochun leave. He just couldn’t do it.

When he was sure he was a good distance away from Yoochun, Junsu stopped and leaned on a wall. He inhaled and he didn’t smell anything. It was gone. The smell, his smell was gone from his skin. He knew he had to be happy but he couldn’t feel anything. His heart was gripped in shock. It was only then that he thought that smell was part of him. It was him. But now it was gone. Forever.  

He didn’t notice when it happened, but he just found himself crying. Great sobs were wrenched from his lips. It was if he just lost himself, his soul and he knew it was impossible to get it back.