not proofread

If there’s one thing his endless track of achievements and unflawed reputation would prove, it was that Lee Hyukjae didn’t accept failure.

It was non-existent in his vocabulary. To surrender was never an option. He knew what he wanted and he would always, always, find a way. He’s positive, he’s patient, he’s persistent. He’s Lee Hyukjae and he gets what he wants.

But right now, what Hyukjae wanted was something that he’s not meant to yearn for from the very start. It was killing him and he knew he had to give up before it consumed him.

He had always believed that quitting was an act of cowardice, but he’s drowning in madness and his pride and integrity won’t be able to save him.

So Hyukjae… for the first time in his life… let go.

Because what’s the use of holding on to something that was never yours? What’s the use of knowing what you want, when you know you can’t even have it? So Hyukjae let go, not because he’s weak, but because he’s strong enough to accept that some things simply cannot be.

//

“Are you sure about this?”

“I’ve already told you, I’m very positive about this. We can’t stay on top forever. There’s always competition, and there are even new companies with young and fresh concepts coming in the market. We might be the best in this league right now, but we may not be here anymore tomorrow. There’s a lot more room and potential for improvement if given the chance and I am very determined to make everything happen if you just let me.”

“It’s going to be hard because you’re asking for such a long period, and I don’t think the company could go with a missing executive for that long.”

“You say it as if I’ll be gone forever. It’s just two years.”

“Yes, but New York is—”

“—Is a place that can offer so much awareness and experience in this field that I can use for this company. You’ve got to admit it’s a good idea.”

“I know, but still… Just… Alright, fine. I’ll talk to the President.”

“Thanks. And Dad?”

“Yes?”

“I would appreciate it if you won’t tell anyone about this… yet.”

“Well it’s not like they have a reason to know. It’s not like they can change your mind. Or is there someone out there that could possibly make you?”

“There’s—well… There’s no one of course.”

No one.

“Nothing can stop me.”

Nothing.

//

The Valentine weekend stretched over for a week, until it was Friday again and Donghae was still in Paris. Hyukjae wasn’t sure if it was a good thing. Maybe Hyukjae didn’t have to leave after all.  Maybe Donghae’s wish came true.  

He wanted to punch himself when he suddenly felt sad thinking about it.

//

The thing was, even though Hyukjae decided to let go, even though he wanted to move on, the process he had to go through to actually do it was another story. It wouldn’t automatically happen, no, and he knew it.

He would still think of him, he would still miss him. He knew this might go on for days, weeks, or months even and he wanted to do something about it before he changed his mind and forget about forgetting. He needed to break free, to escape, as soon as possible. And then again, he knew he owed him at least a proper goodbye.

They may be nothing, but Hyukjae didn’t want to go without a closure. A kind that would put an end to whatever they were. A final point. A finish line. A last destination he should get through so he could begin a new one.

At the end of it all, Hyukjae himself indeed needed to bid farewell. So he can start over.

So he wouldn’t be tempted to go back and break himself again.

It was Friday, the seventh day since Donghae left, and Hyukjae thought of saying goodbye.

//

And yet when the elevator opened up and revealed a face he hadn’t seen in a week, when the dark brown eyes that pierced right through his soul turned to look at him, when the thin lips curved into that wicked smile that always left him breathless, he realized he was still gripping, fingers still furled and holding way too hard.

“Hi.” Donghae greeted. He looked happy.

“Hi.” Hyukjae answered. He felt happy.

It was later on when he realized that Donghae was happy in an entirely different reason that he was.

//

Hyukjae wanted to ignore him. He was being nonchalant. Besides the greeting he did in reply to Donghae’s, he didn’t say anything more. They were quiet, casual, and distant as they stood inside the elevator. Well at least Hyukjae was.

Donghae was wearing a smile on his face, Hyukjae could clearly see it in the lift’s mirror-covered walls. Hyukjae could tell that Donghae was teasing, that he knew Hyukjae was looking at him.

It all went a little too fast. One second they were apart and suddenly Donghae was in front of him, a hand pressed over his chest while the other played with his tie.

“Your tie’s a little crooked,” the brunette whispered and Hyukjae, though caught off-guard, managed to save face and be impassive as he always was.

“Thanks.” Hyukjae responded as Donghae took the liberty to fix his tie for him.

“You’re welcome.” Donghae answered and Hyukjae heard the smile in his voice. He felt his fingers lingered on his chest for a little more, leaving soft, feathery touches, just slightly, just shortly, just enough to send a message. And then Donghae was back on where he previously stood, the cunning smile fixed on his handsome face.

And Hyukjae couldn’t believe he could still feel any worse.

//

Donghae didn’t say anything about Paris. In fact there were barely any words at all. Only lips… and teasing touches…and cussing… and hissing… and skin. Bodies were pressed and limbs tangled, grips were tight and screams were muffled.

Hyukjae didn’t even remember if they managed to lock the door but he figured the world could be damned right at that moment and it still wouldn’t stop him to have this man in his arms. He kissed him fiercely, hardly, feeling him like he never had before.

Donghae writhed under him, wordlessly begging for Hyukjae to take him. They weren’t even completely out of their clothes and there was more to his suit that was crooked other than his tie. They might have left a stain on his leather couch but Hyukjae, still, didn’t care because Donghae’s lips were so soft and he was so warm. So warm against him. So warm around him.

Moans were stifled, faces were flushed, clothes are creased and Hyukjae felt his heart shattering in pieces as he conquered Donghae again and again over his office’s couch.

//

“I told you I like your office more,” Donghae uttered in a playful tone, still waist down while lying on Hyukjae’s couch.

The raven head looked at him momentarily as he put his shirt on, trying not to be distracted, trying to reason out why he gave in so easily. In your own ing office, Lee Hyukjae, really? How many more of your rules are you going to break? He shifted his gaze away when he began thinking how beautiful Donghae was, and how he just wanted to sit beside him on that couch and gather him in his arms.

“You sure do.” He replied simply, detaching his tie only to put it back properly again.

“I’ll do it!” He suddenly heard and then there was a little fuss and Donghae was before him again, taking a hold of his tie for the second time that day. But unlike before, he wasn’t being mischievous, or tempting. He was fixing it, just fixing it, with his face focused and a little eager. There was a small smile that stretched over his lips when he’s done and Hyukjae quickly turned his head the second he saw the brunette raising his gaze.

“Thanks.” Hyukjae said casually, indifferently. He could feel his stare on him and he wondered what was it that had the other still looking.

“I missed you, Hyukjae.”

The words were thrown out as if it was the most ordinary thing to say. It was as if it was a simple greeting, just a mere ‘hello’ and not even a more thoughtful one like ‘how are you?’ No. Because that kind involved feelings and Donghae had none for him. Hyukjae turned to gaze at his face, and there was nothing to it.

Of course. How could he dared-hoped-to think differently?

Hyukjae smirked, grabbing the brunette’s waist and hauling him closer. He pressed his clothed crotch against his bare one, gripping his sides tighter that caused the Donghae to bite his lip, repressing a moan threatening to spill out of his lips.

“You mean, you missed… my body.” Hyukjae whispered, hoarsely, seductively. Because this was what all they were.

Purely physical.

No feelings.

“You’re right.” Donghae smirked back and let his thin lips brush against Hyukjae’s plump ones.

‘You’re cruel.’ Hyukjae wanted to say. But instead, he crashed their lips together, unbuckled his belt, pushed Donghae on the couch and devoured him once again.

Because this was what all they were.

This was all they can be.

//

Hyukjae knew he’s dying. And that he needed to save himself.

//

He broke it to him like how he would be expected to do so.

Cold. Casual. As if it was a mere ‘Hello’. As if it was a meaningless goodbye.

“I’m leaving for New York next week,” he told him. He heard the shuffling of blankets, felt the two eyes that were suddenly on him. The room was dark just as all the other nights before, and Hyukjae was grateful because this way, masking emotions wouldn’t be too hard.

“New York? For business?” he heard his voice and he smiled bitterly on how still he sounded.

It’s not like Hyukjae anticipated anything.

“You can say that.” He answered and heaved a sigh before continuing. “I’ll leave for New York, to study.”

“Study?”

“Yeah, about business…for business.”

“Oh.”

“…Yeah.”

“How long?”

“Two years… at the very least.”

There were no words that were traded after that, but Donghae was suddenly over him, straddling him. Then he was kissing him, touching him…

And Hyukjae felt stupid all over again because for a