If Charlie made mix tapes for Sam, hoping that he could at least express his unsaid feelings for her. I think I might, I might reckon this pathetic way of conveying how I feel. But who makes mix tapes nowadays? I haven’t seen one since I was in third grade. Nonetheless, it’s sweet and old-fashioned, if that makes any sense.

But no, I’m not making one of those.

Wait.

As a matter of fact, I’m considering.

When you can’t say straight to her face, without even a glint of apprehension, a slightest stuttering of the words you meant to say the very first day that you realize she is more than you think she is in your life, and you are too uncertain. And in that one moment where she waves and smiles, your heart drop on the ground and you wish that nobody sees how it palpitates on the cold marbled floor of the crowded hallway, as it tries to resuscitate whatever blood left in its chambers.

“Hi Tae,” she charmingly greets.

“Hey Tiff,” I reply smoothly.

“You are going to play right?”

“I will try.”

I hear her sigh, “You are going to wait for me…right?”

“Absolutely,” I nod and smile.

Then she leaves me smiling idiotically by myself. Well, there are a lot of countless times that I find myself smiling for no reason, maybe I’m really happy that I see her, or talk to her, or often times just when we part ways after walking together. Or I’m just plainly pitiful.

Sometimes, I put an act, an act that she doesn’t exist, not even a single iota of her magical existence in my non existing world; in my head.

We are not best of friends or close friends for that matter.

We are just basically, two people who attend the same school, who belong to the same class and the same team, and we take the same path going home. Sometimes we eat together during lunch, or silently sit together at the same table with books in the library.

Her.

She can make me feel a lot of emotions.

Feelings, that is strange, quite incomprehensible to determine.

And there are times that I feel these strong emotions; pain and anger.

Confusion.

I can recall the feeling of wanting to wrap her in my arms and hold her tight because I think it will be one of the best feeling ever.

Or the urge to clasp her hand to mine, that time when we walked together closely, and the back of our hands grazed for a couple of times.

And there are times that I walk ahead knowing she is trailing behind.

And there are other times when I purposely wait for her.

I try to get down to the bottom of this endless pit of times of inconsistency.

My theory is none so far.

What I feel for her is surely a comparison to a mix tape, a mix tape of emotions.

If the wallflower did.

I can.

This is my project.

A Mixtape of Affection

Submitted to: Tiffany Hwang

Submitted by: Kim Taeyeon