Hey Kyungsoo, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

It was never my intention to make you feel the way you did. No, I don’t mean the feelings of love you had for me, I mean all this sadness, desperation and loneliness. I took one girl after another to you. I showed them to you. I bragged. Why did I do this? I wanted you to notice me. I wanted to hold your hand openly. I wanted to hug you. I wanted to shower you with affection. I wanted to give you everything that I am because I loved you so much. I clearly remember the first time I saw you. You were awkwardly standing beside Chanyeol who introduced you enthusiastically.

I knew you were special from the first moment I laid my eyes on you. You didn’t have this carefree attitude. Your eyes were empty, just black holes that absorbed everything around them. I wanted to fill them with life, with a spark. So I stayed by your side and tried my best to make you laugh, make you speak and make you love me.

I was sad when I saw you covered in new bruises every day. I knew that there were people in school who didn’t like you, who didn’t want you which I couldn’t understand. It’s not like you had done something to anyone. You were just there. You lived and tried your best to survive.

Do you know? I read your journal. I found it in your room. I could persuade your dad to let me in. I’m sorry that you had to suffer with him and I couldn’t help you. He isn’t even worried about you. You are missing but all he does is gambling, smiling and drinking. Kyungsoo, were you lonely?

My heart breaks for you. I was selfish. I was angry at you each time you came to our lunch table with new hickeys. I hated it. I hated the thought of someone other than me touching you. My heart clenched painfully each time.

So I thought that I should get back at you. How childish of me right? I dated all these girls for revenge but you did it to receive love right? There was no one for you to run to, who could shelter you. You were broken and I shattered you into pieces.

It’s a selfish request but can you come back, come back to me? I want you and me to be us. I want to hug you when you feel sad, I want to make your loneliness disappear. Wherever you are I will always be by your side, do you hear me? I won’t repeat the same mistakes again. I try to be good… so don’t hate me. I’m sorry for saying that I hate you. I just couldn’t handle this whole situation anymore. I wanted you so badly I became greedy for everything.

I took your friends away. You finally had someone to lean on but I took it all away. I knew that they would side with me. I was so selfish; I wanted it all and left you with nothing. I will never understand what you had to go through since my life was always normal, happy but you had a life with nothing. You never expected, never hoped since there was no one who would be there to catch you if you would fall.

So Kyungsoo I will be there for you okay? If you fall I will catch you, if they treat you bad I will protect you and kiss your bruises away.

I love you so much Kyungsoo, so damn much.

Come back. Please.

Jongin

So guys this is it!

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