Monday, 3 September 2012

Lately life is a bit cruel. People try to tell me what I should do, order me around like I was their personal slave and expect me to listen to each of their problems. I always have to put on a smile to please the ones around me. But would it matter if I didn’t smile the whole time? I guess not since no one seems to care about me. No one is willing to listen to my problems. As soon as I start talking about myself everyone seems to find something more interesting than me. It hurts. Am I not much worth? Am I not worthy enough to be listened to?

Sometimes I wonder if anyone would miss me if I just vanish like that. Would it hurt much to fall from a bridge? Would I fall asleep peacefully with enough pills? Should I just start drinking alcohol and drown in it? Would it be noticed by someone?

Hey, is anyone out there who notices me?

Please…

Anyone?

D.O.

Wednesday, 5 September 2012

Darkness is my newest companion. It doesn’t talk or replies me but that’s not bothering me. People around me always seem to talk so I enjoy the silence around me. I talk to it. I wonder if I’m considered crazy? But it doesn’t really matter to me. There was no one who would bring me to a mental hospital; my drunkard from father? No, he never would. He still thinks that he has some dignity left but that’s all to it, his wishful thinking. I really miss my grandpa though. He was the only person who ever listened to me. He made me feel like I was the most important person in this world whenever I talked to him.

Some would think my mother would be my salvation but no. She disappeared a long time ago from my life. No, she didn’t die, she just thought this family wasn’t worth her time but more likely some random man she met god knows where. Am I sad? Not really, I learned a long time ago not to expect much from people. If you don’t expect much in the first place you can’t be disappointed. So it didn’t really hurt when she left with a simple “Goodbye.”

I feel it though, that my heart slowly turns into a place of indifference. Hurt, disappointment, loneliness and helplessness, these are the main emotions in my heart.

Say, can you be my friend and cure my heart?

No?

Well, I didn’t think so.

D.O.

Monday, 10 September 2012

I’m alone. I left the sanctuary of my so-called ‘friends’. They didn’t seem to bother, not that I expected otherwise, but I have to admit that my weak heart got one tiny crack more. I wonder how many cracks it can take until it finally breaks and there is nothing left of me but a soulless shell.

So, can we trade hearts?

Could I get a tiny bit of happiness from you?

Just a tiny bit?

Please?

D.O.

Tuesday, 30 October 2012

Something changed. I have friends again or I think so at least. I was leaning against a tree during lunch break; it became my new place to be since I didn’t sit with my friends anymore, when suddenly someone plopped down beside me and wore this wide grin. He introduced himself as Park Chanyeol. He said: “You look lonely, let’s be lonely together!” He said it with such a happy smile that I couldn’t believe that he was lonely. It turned out to be true. A day later he introduced me to his friends. There are Baekyhun, Jongdae, Minseok, Sehun, Luhan and Jongin. They seem to be nice. They seem to care for each other. They don’t order me around. But I guess the only reason would be that I don’t talk and hence didn’t get an answer even if they wanted to push me around.

Yeah, along the way of solitude I lost the will to speak. What does it matter anyway? No one was interested in my opinion or what I had to say in general.  So yeah, I didn’t bother to bring my feelings across anymore.

I also learned in my time alone that you need to have at least one friend or else you are considered a freak in my school. Considered to be a freak meant that you are the main target of bullying. Did I care? Not really. I’m numb in every way. They call me names, they beat me up but I can handle it. Why would I cry? Because it hurts? No, hurt was something that is around me every day, every second I breathe so it was my normality. That angered them and I would receive harder punches.

No, it didn’t stop even after I met my new friends. There were still my old friends who thought I was a traitor and they let me feel it in every way. They would pull pranks on me and beat me up. My new friends would always ask me where I got all my bruises, they really look concerned about me, but I just shrug. No, I don’t believe in hope anymore.

What does it help?

I would fall in their trap of concern and worry only to fall hard on the concrete of disappointment and loneliness.

Who needs love?

Not me…

D.O.

Monday, 19 November 2012

My heart is weird. It feels livelier the past days and I think the reason is the boy called Jongin. He speaks to me in such a calm and sweet manner, never expecting a real answer that it makes my heart want to believe. The way he never is annoyed of my silence the way he smiles the whole time as if he didn’t have a single care in the world. It made me believe in something different than indifference.

However, at the same time jealousy started to spread in my heart. Why? Because not a single one of my new friends is alone like I am. They all have both of their parents some even have siblings. Yeah, they complain a lot about them and sometimes I want to burst out and yell at them for their ungratefulness but who am I to judge them? Me, who has a father who is more interested in booze than in his only child or his so called mother who seems to find one guy after another to sleep with.

I wonder, does it help to keep loneliness away? Should I try it?

Would anyone even consider sleeping with me?

I wonder… Why do I think of Jongin in times like this?

Would he care?

D.O.