There was a secret that Jongin didn't tell anyone. He no longer felt  the winter like a thousand needles pinning on his chest when he breathed it in and out. He didn't tell anyone but it really was. He thought about it everytime waiting for Amber near Hwadam's building after work; the sunshine was so warm when it shone on his back. He thought about it when he walked her home; the lamppost at the left of her house looked less lonely when falling snow embraced its light.    They both walked a long way to be there, or almost.  After "the memory box" incident, both talked less but telling each other in so many other ways. Jongin tried not to be so careless and shallow by no longer forcing her to forget Kris anymore, by hugging her more often, smiling with her more and more as he knew she liked how he smiled. Amber tried not to see him as an outsider. She took his hand each time they walked together, leaned on him when she cried out of loneliness, sometimes even hugged him for so long without saying anything. For Jongin, she was the fighter that never backed down. She was the most determinated person he's ever got to know. Both agreed that they'd wait for each other, for her to be stable emotionally again, for him to figure out himself.    And when he kissed her for the first time on Christmas Eve, Jongin knew why he didn't feel cold anymore, that it will always be an eternal April for him if he keeps her staying.    At that moment Jongin saw a part of her was still holding on to that sunbae. But the fact that she was opening for him to walk in says louder than any ray of sadness in her eyes, than any stillness on her lips when he kissed them. Jongin is no innocent, but that innocent touch was so intense that it made his heart was about to explore. He swallowed all his ego, being happy like a child for only a tighter grip of her hand at that moment, telling him she somewhat felt the same. This time he didn't rush it; he came in time.    By her not giving him a slap, not pushing him away, Jongin felt enough. Soon, she would be his fully and voluntarily, unconditionally. The second the lips touched, he held that belief severely.   But that's only what Jongin had believed in until just a night after, Amber cried and stormed out of his door just like the way she had got in. Everything they tried went wasted and shattered.   

A simple click and the door locked, following by a string of silence. A blow of icy air touched the sweats on his nape. Winter had finally came right at his doorstep, colder than ever.

  In the late night after Christmas, she knocked at his door. Without a shield, it seized him, the downfall of Amber did.   She ran into his arms , then stumbled behind the shutting door, perhaps for the very same person that he highly doubted. Sorrow and resentment were tangible her sharp, uneven intakes. No one else has the same effect that could push Amber to that cliff of despair. For another once, he wanted to be Kris so bad.    His palms worryingly ran up and down her arms and back, taking small grips as if they tried to comfort where she hurt. Jongin scooped her in a messy embrace. Her shiver vibrated pain deep inside of him. The pain was a kind of foreign one. It didn't belong to him, that was why it hurt all the more.   Her voice sounded surreal, as if to be miles away from here. He didn't want to hear anymore. Whatever she was going to say, it would undoubtedly be a blade drawing pain on his skin.    She told him anyway. Jongin collected all the pieces of broken narration, tried to put them into places. Yet the final outcome made him feel sick in his stomach.  

Most people don't know what they are losing until they lost it. Kris is one. The sunbae came home for Christmas and found Amber to say something he should have bended down on his knees and say long ago; something she grew too tired of waiting for him to tell. He told Amber that the sky she had walked out of was shady and empty; that he missed her in the way that much more longing and sentimental than just friendship; that he would do whatever it takes to have Amber in hi