Growth

“Here I am again.”  The sound vibrating his lips were terrifying. Jae Joong saw the open green field, feeling the tall grass brush against his cold, frail body. His body was weak, his stomach was turning into a pool of acid that he felt burn his throat.

“This is it.” His vocal chords were out of tune from all the screaming, from all the pain he's had to endure these past weeks. How much longer can he feel the agonizing reality? How much more can he live this way, in small words, he can’t. His once perfect skin was now dull and almost translucent. The sky was gray, the sun hidden behind the soaked clouds.

“This is what you wanted?” His fingertips brushing the damp tall grass and  picked up his pace. His heart was like a ticking bomb, waiting for the fuse, waiting for it to stop beating. Jae Joong’s lungs felt like collapsing, his breaths became more shallow the more he walked. His throat began to hum, creating a familiar melody.

“Give me one last hug..” Jae Joong lungs filled with air, falling down to his knees. Images began to flash, of him and only him. Letting his lungs relax, he felt his body begin to immerse into a state of unconsciousness. The images where nothing but lies, lies and more lies.

“I don’t want you to go..” He continued to sing. His vision became blurry as the tears begin to form and set. His breathing was in panic, feeling the radical rhythm of his heartbeat, the lack of oxygen entering his body.

“Ah..” He began to laugh. Tears overwhelmingly covering his cheeks.

 

“But you did. Do I dare ask why? Look at my...eyes..did you hate me that much?” He collapsed on his hands, clenching the dirt; feeling the soil dig deep into his nails.

“Yunho. Welcome to my paradise.” Jae Joong smiles before gasping for air.

‘No pain, No feeling.’ Repeating the phrase over and over again. His body began to feel numb making him fall to the ground.

“No..” In his final breaths he manages to move his body, enough to face the clouds again.

“I want...you to see what you’re missing......" A final whisper, a final breath.

 

The last thought of him.

        BLOSSOM 

 

     The clicking of the train tracks were still heard off Jaejoong's headphones. He was playing GACKT’S collection, one those types of days. The metro wasn’t quite filled, Jae Joong left the studio a bit earlier than usual. He absolutely detested rush hour in Japan. Jae Joong’s directed his attention on his portfolio that was finally finished, which he was highly proud of. He couldn't help but smile to himself at the final product. Jae Joong was trying to get in a fashion show in Tokyo and of course, they immediately said yes. Who can resist Jae Joong? He was a highly acclaimed Model back in Korea and has been featured on many American magazines.  Mesmerized by his work, he didn’t notice someone was sitting next to him or even noticed the metro has filled up with people. Jae Joong couldn’t stand the smell of people, he couldn't stand people period. He usually puts his overly huge bag next to him to avoid having people sit next to him, but the man next to him was holding it on his lap. That really bothered Jae Joong. He paused his music, removing his headphones.

 

    “Arigato (ありがとう)” Avoiding any type of eye contact, Jae Joong managed to say his thanks as politely as he could, but it’s usually meant, ‘less colder than arrogant’. He took his bag off the man's lap and turned his head quickly facing the window. All he saw were underground walls, but he didn’t want to face the man whatsoever. He was annoyed.

 

Jae Joong felt really uncomfortable to be sitting next to him, or anyone in fact. He really wanted to get out and stand by the doors, but that involved moving and knowing himself, Jae Joong was not moving.

 

    “Mian Hanida. (미안 해요.)” The stranger said softly in the familiar language. Jae Joong was surprised hearing these words. He slowly  turned his head to face him, without eye contact. He took note at his features, the nicely done hair, the suit and long fitted trench coat.

 

    “o, dangsin-eun hangug-in?(오, 당신은 한국인?)” Jae joong already knew he did, ‘what a really dumb question’, he thought.

 

    "De, I noticed you are too. Yunho, Pleasure to meet you.” ‘Ah, Yunho, what a horrible name’ Jaejoong thought. it was obvious, he was still annoyed. ‘Why are you talking to me? How would you know I’m Korean?’

 

Jae Joong kept his face cold, it really was just a force of habit that couldn’t be reversed. He didn’t enjoy interacting with other people, but was actually nice meet a fellow Korean in Japan.

    “Kim Jae-Joong. Chuncheognam-do District” ‘Shibal’ he thought as he slightly bowed his head.

    “Well, very nice to meet you...Ah, sorry..” Jae Joong cut him off.

    “It’s okay, I wasn’t paying attention and didn't move it.”

‘Smooth’ Jaejoong thought, both men stayed quiet for the rest of the ride. Jae Joong’s stop was at 'nishi sugamo' station, he shifted his eyes to the monitor that said; ‘Hakusan Station next’, three more stops.

 

    “So where are you going? Home?” Yunho asked kindly.

Jae Joong couldn’t help but feel his insides turn, He didn’t know why he felt so uneasy sitting next to him. Jae Joong did appreciate that a handsome man with a beautifully lined jaw line with perfectly made hair was even talking to him. Yunho was top quality.

 

Although, Jae Joong is a very quiet and reserved individual, he couldn’t deny his interest in men. He’s dated a few girls, but also a few men. Men are more to him. From the geiko, he knew he was in a way, gay but, he really doesn't look at it like that. Jae Joong hates labels, so he always responds to the statement as; “Can’t people just love another, same gender or not?” Which is true. His mind was open to anything possible, despite the cold demeanor, he treats everyone equally meaning he gives the cold shoulder to everyone. Still, he traced his eyes briefly to his fingers and saw a gold wedding ring wrapped around the strangers slim fingers. Jae Joong began to feel upset and uneasy. He kept asking himself why it did and it just made his anxiety  worse.

 

    “Nishi Sugamo.” He finally answered. It’s only one stop away, the anticipation was closing in. He felt suffocated sitting next to Yunho. Jae Joong wanted to get out, now.

 

    “Me too! Small world? I’ve never seen you here before.” There he was, with a silly smile on his face making Jae Joong want to vomit rainbows at how cute it looked.

 

    “I’m only here for a fashion show, I leave in 2 weeks.” ‘too much information Hero’ His anxiety sets in a notch more. 'Do you think he cares? You are nothing no matter what you do. So why are you bothering?' He thought. Those thoughts tend to ruin a lot of moments in his life.

 

Yunho’s face turned into confusion, Jae Joong was close to exploding. He gripped his bag insinuating that he was about to get up.

    “In Tokyo? Jae Joong..” Jae Joong got up when he heard the hum of his own name, he wanted to melt at how good it sounded coming from his mouth.

 

    Yunho got up as well, feeling the conductor apply the brakes. He let Jae Joong pass in front of him bowing down slightly. ‘Stop. don’t do that.’ Jae Joong repeated in his head over and over again.

    “Let me walk you, you sound interesting to me and I would love to be well, a friend, an acquaintance. Whatever you want it to be.”

 

‘’, Jae Joong was not good at this at all. He glanced at the surprisingly tall man, his body was slim, his shoes were expensive. Jae Joong had to answer, ‘Whatever you want’, what the is that about?’  He exhaled, sighing at the older man.

 

“If you want.” Stupid Jae Joong.

 

Both men felt the sudden stop of brakes causing Jae Joong to lose his balance. Lucky for him, he swayed in the direction of Yunho who of course caught his fall. Yunho embraced Jae Joong for a quick second. Jae Joong felt his cheeks get hot, his nose picked up the soft perfume Yunho and felt the urge to inhale it all in. It was intoxicating, Jae Joong felt the taste dance on his tongue.

 

“Are you okay?” His euphoric state was quickly interrupted, standing up and of course, not saying a word. He kept his head down, embarrassed, clutching his bag to his chest. Jae Joong held his breath as he saw the crowd of people aching to get home. He didn’t want to lose the sweet smell to other people. He felt Yunho right behind him, people pushing everyone forward causing a close contact. He heard a soft ‘sorry’ whisper in his ear, Jae Joong just wanted to turn around and ask him to say it again.

 

Freedom. Jae Joong let his lungs exhale and separated from the crowd with Yunho following him like a puppy.

 

“Do you not breathe?” Yunho snorted. His hands were inside his trench pocket, he looked delectable.

“No I just. Never mind.” Jae Joong walked to the nearby stairs. The part he hated doing, but he hears Yunho’s ‘click’ to his heel on each step. Jae Joong found it comforting.

 

Jaejoong felt the cold on his face, embracing the moment just because the sun was still up. He didn’t really like japan, but he appreciated the moment for a while before remembering Yunho. Who was standing next to him with a lit cigarette in his mouth. ‘So Hot'. Jae Joong muttered. He didn’t realize he said the words out-loud.

 

“Pardon? I hope you don’t mind. I know this stuff is bad.” Yunho's tone was a bit depressing. Jae Joong took out a small pack of cigarettes; ‘American Spirit’ was written as the brand.

“Don’t worry.” He saw Yunho smile for a moment, the vibe was comforting, again.

“Jae Joong.” He’s doing this on purpose. Isn't he?

“Would you like to come dine with me?” No he didn’t. As if this wasn’t bad. He didn’t like public places, but Jae Joong didn’t want to refuse for some reason.

“If you want, I rather make s-something.” Jae Joong’s voice shaked a bit feeling the cold breeze hit his pale face.

“For you, I mean. You know.” Jae Joong was talking too much. His face was flushed red, eyes looking at the ground. He felt sweaty under his jacket, and if he could, would of striped it off.

“Sounds like a good idea. Shall we? Lead the way.” Yunho inhaled the nicotine, flicking the cigarette to the ground. He places his hand over Jae Joong’s shoulder, this wasn’t the time.

“Won't your wife get mad if you get home late?” ‘why why why why’

 

“I guess you noticed the ring” Yunho opened his hand out, removing the golden ring.

“She works nights, so we barely see each other except on weekends. She won't notice.”

 

‘So he has a wife’ Jae Joong had to stop feeling this way, he was married. He was already committed, he doesn't even know him and hes getting upset over the whole situation. Jae Joong felt his eyes begin to boil with tears. He smiled half-heartedly and turned his back letting Yunho’s hand fall off his shoulder.

 

“That’s good. Let’s go.” Jae Joong walked quick. Hearing Yunho right behind him following. Jae Joong began to question what he was doing, but another side wanted this to happen. This is unrealistic to him, to meet in such conditions, and to feel this way. It’s just not real. Jae Joong knew there isn’t turning back once the door is open. He wanted to wake up from this dream.

 

But, there he was. Unlocking the door, feeling the other male right behind him. Today was filled with nothing else then swears in his head.

 

“Shoes at the door, there is rack on the left for your coat. Sit anywhere.” Jae Joong couldn’t talk any faster. He ran to the bathroom and closed the door letting out a huge amount of air. He slid down, thinking of what he’s done. ‘I can’t say no now, what to do, what to do’.

Jae Joong was an expert at avoiding situations like this, but this was different. He put himself together, getting up and fixing his make up. He only really used concealer, and liquid eye-liner, so he wasn’t that different without it.

 

Jae Joong stepped out and saw Yunho looking at pictures on the fireplace, which really consisted of family and friends back home.

 

“I will get the food ready, anything to drink?” He was lost at words when he saw that his blazer was off as well, Yunho was built and you could see it through the shirt. What’s Jae Joong wearing? A ugly winter sweater with tight black pants. Usually he doesn't have a shirt on around the house, he feels a bit more freedom.

 

“I like your sweater.. What do you have to drink. Wine perhaps?” Jae Joong looked at his beige patterned sweater and wanted to puke on himself.

“This sweater is hideous.” Jae Joong heading toward the kitchen and heard Yunho laugh. It was, cute.

 

“I think its good, keeps you warm? Then I think its great.” Jae Joong wanted to scream. Why did Yunho even care if it was warm. Although, it is. He loved this sweater.

 

Jae Joong took out Wakatake Daiginjo, his favorite sake. Yunho was impressed at the selection, viewing the similar Korean shot glasses. Jae Joong let him serve himself, as he was about to leave, he felt a warm strong hand grip his wrist. Yunho’s hand was hot, but gentle.

 

“Kamsamida.” Jae joong avoided eye contact.

 

Yunho began to laugh, as if this was a joke. Jae Joong was getting annoyed all over again.

    “You are really interesting and cute, Jae Joong.”

Not this again. Not the ‘Jay Juung’ .

 

    “Excuse me” This is joke. Jae Joong pulled his arm away and gave off a cold glance. He could still feel the goose bumps over his arm.

    “I’m sorry, but it’s true. I was immediately attracted to you, maybe it’s the blonde hair.” Yunho needs to leave, instead he stood up getting closer to Jae Joong. Feeling the euphoric high again, his face became hot, his spine almost felt like collapsing.

 

    “Don’t” Jae Joong finally whispered as he felt familiar warm hands wrap around his neck. He felt like a high school girl awaiting her first kiss. Jae Joong has a chance to look at his eyes, and god were they beautiful. Yunho had that warm honey brown eyes that made Jae Joong want to melt into a puddle.

    “Don’t what?” Jae Joong almost gave in, he felt the sweet breath on his face, it was better than the Tokyo air he felt earlier. He wanted to give in, Jae Joong wanted to feel his lips, he wanted to feel the intoxicating taste.

    “D-Don’t.” Jae Joong was at his peak.