If You Look My Way

An Observant Soul

            Junsu knew that that man would be passing by his balcony any time now. It was almost 7:30 AM. The man always walked by around this time. His mind willed the man to arrive. It had been his routine every morning. He would go out to his balcony around 6:30 AM. He wanted to catch the early morning calm that always accompanied the sunrise. He liked mornings very much. Junsu loved to see the changing colors of the skies as the great big yellow sun peeked in the horizon. The soft cool breeze drifting toward him also was a welcome treat to his tired senses. But for the last three weeks, his morning routine had taken a different but very appealing change.

            The first time he saw the man was about the same time he got out to sip his favorite blend of coffee in his balcony. He was supposed to be observing how the people rose up to start their day. His position on the balcony was really very ideal. From it, he could observe almost anything and everyone. It was then that he saw a man walking slowly as he took the street where his house was located.

            There wasn’t anything particularly different with the man. He was just of average height. He seemed like he was an office worker judging from his clothes. He was wearing a black suit with longish cloak to shield himself from the early bite of the cold November morning. Junsu noticed that the man was also very punctual. He always went by his balcony at the exact time. He knew his schedule because of that. Nothing was really remiss about him so Junsu didn’t know why he was drawn to this man. He just found that the moment he saw the man, his eyes seemed compelled to follow.

            From Junsu’s observation, he found out certain things about the man in the suit. Firstly, Junsu learned that the man was very expressive with his emotions. How did he know? There was this one time when the man was talking on the phone with somebody. Junsu couldn’t really understand what he was saying but he saw that the man was clearly displeased with whomever he was talking to.  Junsu saw the man frown as he spoke to the other person on the line. Hs saw the guy react with much distaste by the closed fist he could see from his view point. There was also a time when the man was in good spirits. Junsu knew of this when the man went by his balcony all smiles. He was even whistling to himself. He seemed to be very happy that particular day.

            Secondly, Junsu found out that the man had weird taste in food. One morning, the man had an ice cream cone in his hand. It was 7:30 in the morning and the man was eating chocolate ice cream. Junsu was surprised by that but he was wonderfully pleased because he was eating his favorite flavor too. The next morning, Junsu tried eating chocolate ice cream after breakfast and found that the experience was worth trying. It was one of his best breakfasts ever. The next time he saw the guy eating was a lollipop. Junsu now could guess that maybe the man was into sweets. Who would eat lollipops for breakfast anyway? And an adult at that. Most people he knew deemed the lollipop childish. But the man was clearly enjoying himself so it compelled Junsu to try it too. He did the next morning he waited for the man to appear. He really enjoyed the sweet treat.

            Thirdly, Junsu learned that the man was active. He saw one morning that the man was riding a bike. Junsu was surprised to see that the man was very good in riding the bike. He saw that he liked having the wind in his hair and on his face. Junsu longed to ride a bike after that. He tried it in the afternoon and found the experience greatly rewarding. He felt closer to nature and he thought that he liked to repeat the experience in the morning with the man who taught him how to enjoy it.

            The most unusual thing that he learned about the man was he seemed not to be in a hurry. In the mornings that Junsu saw him, never had the man ran to dash across the street. Never had he seen him curse at himself for waking up late. It was really refreshing. Junsu found this really interesting. He wanted to find out why the man always relaxed and always in good spirits. He was always positive that Junsu wanted to see more and more of him each day. Seeing the man was like therapy for Junsu. He didn’t know the guy but he felt that he knew more about him than any person of his acquaintance in the three weeks that he had been observing him.

            Now was another morning that he gets to see the mystery man. Junsu felt like a stalker. But he wasn’t a stalker if he just observed the morning routine of the man was he? He felt satisfied whenever the man went by his balcony and he had to admit that once the man crossed the street, he felt a bit empty. But this momentary loss would be replaced with knowledge that he would always see him the next day. He didn’t really know if that was weird of him or not. He just liked to see him. And sometimes, in the crazy moment where he was looking at the man’s figure, Junsu would hope that the guy would look up and see him too. Of course that was wishful thinking. Who would bother to look up at things so early in the morning? Certainly not him. So he knew that his silent wish was a bit impossible. He just had to be content to see the man and share with him a sliver of his life each day even if he didn’t intend it to be.

            Junsu glanced at his watch for the third time, 7:40. That was odd. The man was never late. Something must have come up for him to botch his schedule. Junsu wasn’t prepared for the sudden worry that he felt. This was crazy; maybe the man had something to do so he wasn’t able to come. That was it. Maybe the man did something really important. It didn’t mean that he wouldn’t see him again, would it?

            His eyes closed and willed himself to relax. His eyes followed the path the man usually took at this time in the morning. He imagined the man’s form walking, stopping just a few feet away from his balcony, coffee cup in hand and in his imagination, his perfect man turned and looked up to him with a smile.

But the man didn’t come for three days after that. Junsu felt like crying.

The Gentle Dreamer

            Yoochun walked hurriedly to the usual path he always took on his way to work. It was the first time in the last three days that he had been there. Work was really bad and his boss just gave him a project that took him out of the city for three days. He hated it. He hated the unfamiliar places and the unfeeling people he met. What he wanted was the feel of familiar eyes of a person observing him from afar.

            He didn’t really remember when he felt the man’s eyes on him. He had always walked to his office every morning. But one day, he started to feel something different. He couldn’t really put his finger on it but he knew someone was watching him. This someone was not really a threat; his heart knew that the person didn’t want to hurt him or anything. He just wanted to follow Yoochun with his eyes. Yoochun smiled a bit at that thought.

            His legs started to move more hurriedly as he thought that the man must have been waiting for him for three days now. Yoochun certainly knew that he missed the man’s loyal gazes. He somehow felt safe whenever he felt those eyes land on him. That Yoochun knew his secret admirer was a man was no surprise. He learned of it one time when he was talking on his phone. He angled his phone just so and the light hit the shiny surface of his screen. The image he saw behind him gave him the view of a shy man half-hidden in the thin wisps of curtain from a balcony. It was the first time Yoochun saw how his very own stalker looked like. He really found him cute. Well, he couldn’t really tell his features from the height and angle but he knew that the guy was cute. Yoochun even thought that the way the man was hiding from him was endearing. Because of that, he always made some action that he knew would catch the man’s attention.

            He ate ice cream and lollipops and did other stuff because he wanted to gain the man’s complete attention. He knew he was succeeding because he would find the guy coming out from his hiding place more and more each time he saw him from his phone’s screen. He did those things to make the man be more at ease with him. Yoochun wanted the man to have the guts to go down the balcony and introduce himself. He didn’t know if it was working but he certainly wanted it to happen real soon. If he didn’t, well, Yoochun would do something about it of course. And now is the right time for him to do it. Today, he would look up and smile at the nice man who always gazed at him.

            The minute he got to the street he knew he was supposed to; he stopped and willed his heart to beat a little slower. Yoochun didn’t know why he was excited in seeing the guy again but he was. He figured maybe it had something to do with him feeling lonely all the time. But when he knew that someone actually cared enough to look at him, he felt happy. It had been his dream all along. That someone took notice of him and to care enough and follow his every move.

            He waited a few moments before secretly fishing his phone out from his pocket and lifting it in an angle where he was sure he would get a good view of the balcony. He saw the balcony but no one was there. The windows were closed, and it seemed like it hadn’t been opened in a while. A sudden niggling thought came into his mind. Could it be that the man got bored and just decided to stop following him? Could the guy think that he, Yoochun, didn’t like to be observed? Yoochun racked his brain for anything that he had done to make the shy young man draw away from him. He frowned; he couldn’t remember anything that he did to make the other guy stay away.

            When he knew that the man in the balcony would not be appearing any time soon, Yoochun twisted around to look the place he always saw the man looking down at him. He tried to imagine the guy and his sweet and shy expression and he knew that he would miss it. Yoochun wanted to shout and call the man’s name, but he didn’t even know that. Suddenly, his day just got darker.

The Wish and the Dream

            Junsu woke up groggily that morning from his bed. He had been weak for almost a whole week. He knew it was because of work, (he had a deadline for his latest book and he hated his editor for rushing him), so he couldn’t complain. In the last days that he couldn’t get up from his bed, Junsu missed seeing the man below his balcony. He very much wanted to crawl out of bed just to get a glimpse of that familiar face, that comforting profile and that winsome smile. He wanted to at least be able to create a good picture of life through the man. But circumstances were not very nice to him. So he had to stay away for a good number of days. Even though it was against his wishes.

            Now that his editor had gotten hold of his latest book, Junsu knew that he could again go back to his hobby. In a way, it wasn’t really his hobby now. It had become his routine. He found that if he couldn’t see the man even just for a day, his whole outlook in that day would change. He would be grumpy and cranky and he couldn’t concentrate. It would be easier to say that the man was his inspiration in every way that Junsu could think of. Not seeing him for the last week was pure torture.

            Of course no one knew that he was quietly observing some guy from his balcony. His friends, even though they were aware of his eccentricities, would definitely look at him like he lost his mind if they ever found out. From the back of his mind, Junsu knew that what he was doing could be viewed as a psychological disturbance. Junsu himself balked at the idea of someone stalking him, but he found that he was greatly comforted whenever he saw the man. And so he couldn’t just stop. And besides, Junsu reasoned, he wasn’t hurting the guy in any way, so it was okay, right?

Junsu cringed, who was he kidding? He knew what he was doing was a bit unusual, but he couldn’t let it go. He just couldn’t. Not when the man had taken his mind and the space that occupied his dreams too. He found that he couldn’t forget him even after he went to bed to sleep. It was like he was charmed. Was that even possible?

As he walked toward his balcony with his warm blanket around his shoulders, Junsu braced himself fro the cold wind as he opened the door slowly. What greeted him was the most spectacular sight. The early morning mist still clung to every surface his eyes could reach. The horizon was a pale pink and orange, the sun was bursting its rays in a soft warm glow that Junsu always found comforting. He breathed in the cool morning breeze as wisps of wind teased his hair as he turned toward the sun. A small smile played on his face at the beautiful scenery before him. He really loved mornings! Now, he just wished that the man who haunted his every waking (and sleeping) hour to pass by and his day would be complete.

But just like in everyday life, not every wish could come true. Junsu stood there for a good twenty minutes or so but there wasn’t a sign that the man would be showing up today. He would not be coming again today! Junsu’s heart was starting to break. Was this a sign that he had to give up looking for the man? Could this mean that he would be saying goodbye today?

Junsu silently said ‘no’, but he knew in his heart that this was really goodbye.

He slowly moved toward the double doors of his balcony. Pushing the heavy doors, Junsu took a step away from the place that became his private window to a man’s life that gave him the perfect view of how he could live his own life. He was about to completely step into his apartment again when he heard a chuckle from somewhere. He turned around again to search for the source of the sound and his gaze landed at the balcony of the apartment next to his.

Since when did he have a neighbor? The apartment had been unoccupied for months now so he was a bit surprised that someone just moved. And he didn’t even know it.

Junsu stepped out again to greet his neighbor properly. The minute he turned his head to look at his new neighbor he was sure was also out his own balcony, Junsu got the shock of his life. There at the place beside his own private window was the very man he had been observing for weeks now. He was leaning over to get a glimpse of Junsu, his neighbor. But the said neighbor just looked shocked like he just saw a ghost.

Junsu saw the man smile at him and waved a little in greeting. He smiled! Junsu nearly swooned.

“I can’t believe I didn’t look up to look at you sooner. You have the most amazing eyes.” The man said to him after greeting him ‘good morning’.

To say that Junsu was surprised was an understatement. He knew he must look like he was a very stupid person with his expression but he couldn’t help it. This was his long time crush and finally he was face to face with him. He couldn’t believe this was happening!

The man held out his hand toward Junsu. “I’m Park Yoochun. I’m your new neighbor.”

Junsu looked at the proffered hand Yoochun had extended. Then a small smile slowly crept on his face as he met Yoochun’s warm and friendly eyes.

“Well, Park Yoochun, I’m Kim Junsu. Your neighbor.” He took the hand and shook it. “I can’t believe it took you so long to finally look up and meet me. You have the most amazing smile.”

Both of them smiled at each other. Each silently thanking whatever it was that led them to each other. Junsu had just gotten his wish; Yoochun had just gotten his dream. Their day had just become perfect.