It all started when I first got into U-KISS.

The feeling of getting into a new group gave me butterflies and made me happy, and somehow this group gave me a feeling different than any ever group I liked.
I liked kpop for a year already at the time, and when my best friend showed me them, I loved them right away. I had a feeling that they would be a big part of my life in the future.
So, I got to know them more, and listened to their songs, watched their MV's.
One day, as me and my best friend (and her boyfriend whom was laying on her bed being lazy) were watching Dora Dora, she looked at me and nudged my arm.
"So, who's you're bias? You got to know them, right?" She asked.
I nodded, and looked at U-KISS as they were dancing to their wonderful song.
One doesn't simply choose a bias after getting to know them, so as I hesitated, I pointed at Kiseop, then glanced at her.
"You like Kiseop?" She asked.
I nodded nervously, and looked back  to the screen.
She looked at her boyfriend, and giggled a little bit.
"Now three of us like Kiseop." She laughed a little.
I did a crooked smile, because I wasn't sure if Kiseop was my bias, but I just let it be.

A couple of weeks passed, then she decided to show me, "Chefs Kiss." She knew that I knew the members enough to start watching variety shows about them.

As we started watching, I began to notice Kevin. Actually, a quarter of my attention was on him while watching Chefs Kiss. I began to start noticing his cute, adorable personality; because I didn't know he was like that. I thought he was a goofy good looking dork like the rest of U-KISS. 

After 5 Episodes of Chefs Kiss, I couldn't help but to start liking Kevin. Little did I know, but I wasn't beginning to like him as a bias, but like him as a guy. I thought it was just going to be a phase, so I just shook it off as we continued to finish watching Chefs Kiss; which took forever to finish because we would always take our time as we watched it, and didn't rush to hurry and finish watching it.
When we were on episode 7; I decided to start a fanfic, and it was about me and my friends in the future, and we suddenly go to Seoul, and end up meeting U-KISS.
My friends loved it, and it gave me courage to keep writing.
It also encouraged my two friends to start Fanfics as well.
My friend, (the one who got me into U-KISS so let's call her Unni C) made a fanfic, and paired me with Kiseop, because she thought Kiseop was still my bias. 

So, as we started writing our Fanfics more, I was dating Kiseop in Unni C's. 
I didn't really mind, because in my fanfic, I didn't really pair anyone with me yet because I was only up to chapter 5-6. 

So, Later, me and Unni C decided to finish watching Chefs Kiss non-stop. We laughed, sobbed, and smiled.
While we were watching it, I began to like Kevin more. It was like every episode, my 'like' grew. 
So, as we were finishing the last episode, I looked at her.
"I like Kevin. He's so cute. I never realized he was this type of person untill we started watching this." I smiled.
She looked at me with a I-know-you-like-him face.
"Tch, I noticed because you keep talking about how cute he is, in every single episode." She laughed.

Right there, I realized that I wasn't liking him as an idol, or my bias, or because he was a a celebrity.
I was beginning to like him for him, I didn't realize that I was falling in love with him. 

One night, I was thinking about Kevin. I didn't know who he was to me. He wasn't my ultimate bias. He wasn't my bias in U-KISS. He wasn't a bias list ruiner. He wasn't my favorite idol. So who was he to me?
I honestly didn't know at the time.
Then I realized, he wasn't my ultimate bias, because I liked him more than my ultimate bias. He wasn't my bias in U-KISS, because untill this day, I don't know who my bias is in U-KISS because I love them all equally. I just love Kevin 1% more. He wasn't my bias list ruiner, because I didn't like him for his looks, his fame, no. I liked him for his personality, for him.
So, there, I realized. I loved him. Because "like" was too much of a weak word for what I feel for him. 
I quickly went online, and told my best friend, that I loved him, and not like. 
"I love him. Not for his looks, his fame or his voice. I love him for him." Is similar to what I said.
She wasn't really surprised because she probably knew by the way I would talk about him, and stare at him through the computer screen, or in pictures. 
She accepted quickly, and supported me, because I confessed to her, exactly how I feel for him.

So, a couple of Months passed, and It was official, that it was Kevin who was my first love, because he's really the only one who makes me feel like this. 
It continued, and I didn't care what negatives there was to loving him. I didn't care if his and our is by 7 years. I didn't care if he wanted a Noona.

Me and him are really similar actually. We're both Scorpios, we're both Blood Type O's, we both like the color blue, we both would rather go to an amusement part for a date than a fancy restaurant, we both love cupcakes and pizza, we both love to sing and dance, and, I'm his ideal type actually. 

After knowing that, I didn't care, and felt like I could wait for him forever,
And thought there would be a chance, because I felt different for having these kind of feelings towards an idol. 

But, Then I got a boyfriend. 
I love him honestly, and really like him, but I couldn't help but to still look at Kevin as I did before I had a boyfriend.

I talked to someone about this, and she told me, "if your boyfriend ever knew you still look at Kevin this way, how do you think he would feel?" She asked.
"There could be 193958549 fans that are like you, having the same personalities, and same interests, and same zodiac sign, same almost everything." She said.
That kind of hurt, but it reminded me to look at reality before my fascinations, because there probably is no chance between me and Kevin.
Then it made me realize, I have to let go of Kevin.
He may be my first love, but I know now that I have to let him go one day. 
Kevin was the first idol I ever looked at that way. I never once looked at an idol this way. 
I have to realize, that I'm just a fan, and he's an idol. So there's no chance.