Sehun finds Luhan’s journal one day. It’s wrong, he knows, but he can’t help it. The curiosity eats at him until he has to open it. He needs to know why. And, as selfish as it is, he needs reassurance that it wasn’t his fault. He’ll just read one page, he tells himself. One entry. Somehow, that feels like less of a betrayal.

“但我的悲伤如海上升.”*

He drops the book as if it had scorched him, although he doesn’t understand a word. Maybe it’s better this way anyway. He can’t help but notice that the journal lands open on a page containing just five words – five words that he knows. “世勋我爱你.”*

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Two years later, Sehun suffers from chronic nightmares. He dreams he’s drowning in a dark, endless abyss without even a clue as to which way is up. He swims anyway, because there’s no way he’s going down without a fight, but it proves to be fruitless. Every inch of his body burns and begs him to give up. Just as he feels like his lungs are about to collapse in on themselves, he wakes up screaming and gasping for breath.

“Shh, it’s okay. I’m here,” Luhan whispers next to him. Sehun stretches a hand out to touch him, but like a mirage, he can’t quite reach. He grits his teeth in frustration. “I’ve missed you, Sehun-ah.” Luhan’s eyes tell of a timeless sadness. “I’ve been waiting for you.”

The second time Sehun wakes up screaming, he’s alone in bed with no one there to comfort him.

 It’s been two years since Luhan left. It’s been two years too long without him.

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*“But the sadness in me rises like the sea”

*”Sehun I love you”