Whether the four years that they’ve been together has developed into reality or just remained as an agreement, Jongin wasn’t so sure. The skinships and exchanged of affections was hard to judge, but he knew, that when Luhan is drunk, the older kisses him in between silent I love you’s. That Luhan knew, he meant the words when he said that the older belongs right inside his arms. That both knew neither can hold an eye contact for long since their fourth date. And Kim Jongin knew that, Luhan was a coward.

So was he.

For now, as he sweeps his eyes across the once messy room, he feels suffocated despite its emptiness. The single beds that have been pushed up against each other since their agreement had been returned to their original places – parallel with the walls. Study tables in between to forbid their meeting. Jongin wonders if it’s pity that he’s feeling as he looks at them a little longer or something akin to loneliness, because Luhan is in the same room but hundreds of miles away from him. Standing in the middle of spring, Jongin had since hated the curtains. They hindered him from worshiping Luhan’s beauty when he wakes up. But now, with nothing to stop the sun’s rays to filter through the room, Jongin doesn’t know if Luhan deserves to be called beautiful. Because he can attest that nothing compares.

Luhan is beyond beautiful.

The older is beyond everything. When Jongin had once slipped the words of confession, that one time he got lost in the older’s eyes, there was nothing but a relieved smile in Luhan’s countenance. Jongin swore he almost experienced a seizure attack despite him being a healthy young lad. Everything about Luhan is close to perfection even his flaws, he would always tell his friends. Because that was the truth in Kim Jongin’s eyes. Some truth he never said in front of the older and wonders if he ever will have the courage to admit them.

If he can admit them now, because Jongin is sure, when the door closes, there’s no turning back. Four years, he cried not because he survived college, but because spending four years with Luhan wasn’t enough. The things he had wanted to do but were too afraid to will never be done. The words that kept on hunting him in his dreams will never leave their confinement. And Luhan will never know that maybe, Jongin had really meant to be his boyfriend, not agreed to be his boyfriend.

Some truth that hurts, because Jongin had realized, as the older packs his things in his luggage, maybe Luhan had really been in love with him too. For the clothes that Luhan was packing wasn’t his, but rather Jongin’s. His clothes that were now enclosed in those luggage beside Luhan in the empty room, and he’s standing in front of the older with his own luggage full of Luhan’s clothing. Jongin knew, most of them wouldn’t fit for Luhan’s built was on the petite side, but the thought of Luhan sleeping in his clothes that are a little bit bigger than him puts the younger at ease.

Oh how much he wants to laugh.

After all, they were both cowards. Too afraid of something they don’t know of, too scared of the possibilities of what ifs. He wonders if they are also too young to even try. If, all this years, Luhan had seen him as a child, because Jongin will admit that he had used that card to get Luhan’s attention at some point in their four years.

But as the seconds’ ticks away, he’s running out of reasons to get the other’s attention. To get him to agree that they should just unpack everything and lay in bed instead, because what they’re doing is ridiculous and Jongin just doesn’t know how he’ll walk out of the door and not look back. He wasn’t even sure if he’s ever ready for this, for this closure he doesn’t even know who initiated, if it was Luhan, or was it him. For no matter what, Jongin cannot come up with something that could lead them to where they are now, with plane tickets in their palms headed to different destinations. Because yesterday, Luhan was still telling him how good looking he is, and just the other week, Luhan may have slipped his confession in between heated kisses.

Waking up without the other would be a nightmare for the rest of his life.

“I guess this is it,” Jongin thinks there are tears in Luhan’s eyes as he says them. And it is just now, that everything really sinks in with him. Because outside their door, Taemin has been waiting for him at the station and there’s a taxi waiting for Luhan downstairs. But then, the sun was high above the sky and there are no curtains to stop Jongin from admiring how beautiful Luhan is, and he just really wants to go back in time and tell Luhan everything. His secrets, his insecurities, his everything. Because Kim Jongin is running out of time and Luhan might never know that Jongin’s everything is actually him. That he will never regret tearing his plane tickets for him. Nor will he have second thoughts if they decide to start over again, because the boy standing in front of him is Luhan, his Luhan.

“Hyung…” so he tries, gathering his withering confidence. But he stops as soon as Luhan holds his gaze. And Jongin really wants to laugh, because until the end, he cannot stand those eyes that tell him how much the older loves him. For Luhan knew, that Jongin knew four years wasn’t enough for the older to shower him with his love and affection.

Nothing was enough and everything is unclear. “Hyung I…”

“…Jongin,” Luhan is beautiful and Jongin loves him.

“…please…” Luhan loves him and Jongin knows it’s true.

“Just please…” But Luhan will leave and Jongin will leave, too.

I love you, is what he wants to say instead of nodding, because Jongin cannot find it him to trust himself with words, not when Luhan is hugging him tightly. Not when he remembers that he used to hate the older for having such youthful visage that makes him look younger than he actually is, but soon had come to love them. Luhan smells so much like him, looks good with his clothes, feels fragile within his embrace; Jongin has been itching to ask if they’ll ever see each other again. Rather, he kisses him gently and his cheek.

In the end, neither knew who really left. “…call me, Jongin. Please, just…”

He nods again, keeping the piece of paper Luhan had slipped in his hand and that whispered I love you in his heart. There must’ve been tons of missed calls from Taemin and Jongin wouldn’t be surprised if the taxi driver has a scowl in his face. But he doesn’t bother, for Luhan has his heart and Jongin wants to be selfish for a little more, wants his everything to be his for another second if possible.

“Don’t forget about me, hyung,” he says. But what Jongin really wants to say is, to not stop loving him because he will never.

“I will never forget about you,” in between Luhan’s smile, Jongin thinks he hears, I won’t stop loving you.

Whether the four years that they’ve been together has developed into reality or just remained as an agreement, Luhan wasn’t so sure. The skinships and exchanged of affections was hard to judge, but he knew, that when Jongin is drunk, the younger cuddles a little more tightly beside him and draws hearts in his chest. That Jongin knew, he meant it when he told the younger that his fingers fit perfectly in between the spaces of his. That both knew neither can hold an eye contact for long since their fourth date. And Luhan knew that, Jongin was a coward.

And so was he.

After all, in the end, neither knew who really left. Because Luhan knew Jongin wouldn’t call. Because Jongin knew, there was nothing written on that paper. Because Luhan knew, Jongin knows the right numbers.