Chapter 19

I sat on my skateboard lifelessly as I stared off ahead at the rushing waters that were making way onto the dried sand. My heart wasn’t calm at all and being out here surprisingly wasn’t helping me for once. I kept thinking back on Seung Ho and how we had just kind of “broken” up even though we weren’t really together and nothing really happened between us. But still, I felt like we had separated after “dating” for so long. Thinking back on it – it was only a few months.

Would he ever look at me the same way again? I supposed not because that would mean he still really liked me and that’s not something I wanted to see in his eyes – it would only make my heart heavier than it already was. Would he finally believe that me having a heart problem wasn't fake? He’s still trying to cope with me “breaking” up with him so I guess me having a heart problem wouldn’t be the first thing that's on his mind. I was frustrated with myself. There was nothing I was doing right.

Maybe I should have just gone with Jae Kyung to go watch Ji Min dance like he said he was going to since he was going to train to be an idol after all. I shook my head in laughter thinking about him doing such a thing – it’s not like I thought it was funny, but if he would ever become famous, Jae Kyung and I would be the only ones who truly knew who he was inside – he’s a total dork. He was going to be one of the most loved idols out there once he debuts, huh?

I stood up from where I was and just as I did, the wind blew my hair away from my face, gracefully touching my skin. I let out a sigh before picking up my skateboard. I had to go find something to do to keep myself occupied.

I ended up at the café that Chen and I went to last. I ordered myself something new since I wasn’t feeling tea lately. I had ordered myself a cup of decaf coffee since it was already late out. I sat by the wall where we first and looked at all of the doodling people had put on there. People had things from couples who said they loved each other, friends who put the time and reason they were there, and drawings of monsters and animals that looked like little kids had been drawing on it.

I dug through my bag before I pulled out a permanent marker. I looked for an empty space on the wall and just to my luck, it was a little higher so I used the chair so I could write whatever was on my mind. I doodled first since I had no clue what to write. As I started to write a small message, I wrote one about Ji Min and Jae Kyung being the best friends in the world, Seung Ho being an amazing crush who I enjoyed being with even if it was only for a few months, and Chen – someone who constantly took my breath away with just one look and smile.

My arm fell down to my side as I finished writing about each and every one of them. Was it obvious that my feelings for Chen showed? I wonder if anyone at school took a notice of it at all. I hope Seung Ho didn’t tell anyone about what had happened. Better yet, I hope no one overheard our conversations since we did have it in the hallway at our school. I finally got off the chair and sat back down before sipping onto my coffee again.

“I’m going crazy…” I whispered as I ran my hand through my hair.

“Just a little.” I heard someone say before hearing them pull the chair out and sitting down in it in front of me.

I looked up and felt my face flush.

“What? What’s wrong?” He probably took notice of my face turning read.

I looked to the side of the wall and wanted to strangle myself. I had just got done writing about Chen and here he is in front of me. I grabbed my things, including my coffee, and started to walk out of the café. I could hear Chen following after me, but I didn’t want to face him. I was embarrassed and was hoping that he didn’t see what I had just done because that would make me feel worse than I already was feeling.

“You really are going crazy, aren’t you?” Chen asked as he grabbed a hold of my arm and pulled me back to look at him. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” I replied immediately. “I-I just remembered I had somewhere to go.”

“Okay?” Chen’s voice sounded confused. “See you tomorrow then?”

I didn’t even reply to him. Despite seeing a box in his arms, I kept walking. I didn’t want him to see how embarrassed I was even though I felt like he saw every inch of it. Please, I beg, let him not see what was written on the wall…

There were a lot of rumors going around that Seung Ho and I had stopped talking to each other and that he was back on the market for other girls. I rolled my eyes at all of this. I had only just walked into school and this was what was going around? Maybe someone did over hear us, but that would mean they knew about me dying? No. I shook my head as my hands on my straps tightened until my knuckles turned white. No one heard…

I ignored every girl who was staring at me and talking about how I had let someone amazing go. I couldn’t blame them – Seung Ho was an amazing person and I never regretted anything from him. I walked into class and just as I did, I saw all of the girls in my class looking back at my desk. I raised an eyebrow as I made my way over. I saw a box that was wrapped neatly with a bow. I looked around to see if anyone knew about it, but it looked like they were clueless as well.

I sat down in my desk, still listening to the girls whisper about me and Seung Ho, and opened the box. I felt myself laughing as I lifted the top off of the box – it was my cup that I had made with Chen back at the shop. I took it out and laughed a little more – it seriously was so ugly. The girls looked at me as if I’ve gone crazy, but I couldn’t give two cares about what they were thinking about me. This cup was beyond ugly even when I tried really hard to work with it and to put it this way; I knew Chen was the one who put the cup here. This was what he was probably carrying yesterday in his arms.

On my way out of class, I went down to Ji Min’s class right away to look for Chen, only to see that everyone in that room was already out. I decided to just walk out and hoped that I would run into him somewhere along the way. As I made my way out of the school, I saw a small crowd out in the front; it looked like many girls were surrounding who looked like Seung Ho – he was standing in the middle. I should be happy to see that he was receiving this much confessions since I used to be the one preventing that – not intentionally.

I stepped down to the ground and walked past the crowd, not caring about what was going on. I looked up ahead, ignoring the screaming girls beside me, and saw Chen from afar. He was with his friends and they were already past the gates walking off. And if I was seeing clearly, I saw Ji Min walking with them. I raised an eyebrow. This is probably the first time I’ve seen Ji Min with them other than the time we were at the hospital, but that’s not what was bothering me. I felt someone’s hand wrapped around my wrist – they yanked me so quickly that I fell onto the ground and my knee scraped the dirt ground.

“Oh my god, Ga Eul.”

I bit my lip to keep myself from making any noise due to the pain. I lifted myself up to my feet before patting myself down. I finally looked at the person who had just yanked me and when our eyes met, I immediately felt pity once again.

“A-are you okay?” He looked so apologetic and it was making me feel worse. “I-I didn’t mean t-to hurt you like that.”

“It's okay, Seung Ho. Would you like to talk in private?” I asked looking around at the crowd of girls who were eyeing the both of us.

“Y-yeah…” He hesitated for a moment, but grabbed my wrist again before we walked out of the school’s property.

Seung Ho and I were sitting at a random park that we had passed by on our way out of school. We’d been in this dreading silence for the past ten minutes now, but the only reason why I wasn’t saying anything was because I knew he had some things to say to me – he was probably contemplating with what he had to say; I couldn’t blame him. I constantly fiddled with my fingers as I tapped my feet lightly onto the ground. He was making me curious.

“What happened yesterday was something unexpected.” Seung Ho finally spoke – his eyes were set on the ground below us. “I feel like you were just using your heart as an excuse because you felt like you had no other way to push me, but it’s okay. I don’t blame you either. I know your heart doesn’t belong to me, but that doesn’t mean what my parents did to you still didn’t make me feel awful for how you felt about it.” He finally lifted up his head and our eyes met. “I really like you, Choi Ga Eul, and I think I always will.” My heart was twisting inside of my chest. “And you’re right. You can’t prevent yourself from falling to whomever and still, I’m sorry I couldn’t be that person to make you forget about how stressful you were over your heart, which clearly is bad for the heart, but that’s not my point. I guess what I’m trying to say is…” He took a deep breath. “…I wish I could be the one who had your heart and made you feel better. Just because I can’t have you be the person I want you to be to me, it doesn’t mean I won’t be the person I’ve always wanted to be to you – I’ll always be there for you whenever you need someone. And you’re not going to die.” I felt my heart become heavy with his words. “You’re going to find someone who will give you theirs and you’ll be healthy and living well.”

We stood there in silence again. I knew he wanted me to say something right then and there and I was going to, but there was just something about this moment that made me want to take in – I felt closure from Seung Ho and I was more than thankful to have him understand me completely and treat me so kindly.

“You’re the worst, Yoo Seung Ho.” I said finally speaking after a moment of silence.

“W-what?” He was taken aback.

“You’re the worst.” I repeated again.

“W-why?”

“How could you give so much closure and yet, make me feel so guilty at the same time?” I looked at his face and smiled assuring at him that I was only joking. “I don’t deserve to have someone as kind as you after what I had done to you.”

“You’ve done nothing.”

“Exactly.” I laughed at this. “Goodness, and it makes me wonder what you saw in me.”

“I fell for how pretty you are when you laugh or when you smile over nothing.” The corners of his lips curved up into a wide smile. “Or over being embarrassed by your own actions…”

I blushed.

“Just like that.” He pointed out at my rosy cheeks. “And I still fall for it every time you do it.”

I shook my head with a small smile.

“And yet, you still try to make me fall for you.” He shook his head at me. “What am I supposed to do if you keep making me fall for you, but you won’t return the feelings?”

“I’m just that bad of a person, aren’t I?”

“Very.” He chuckled.

“I’m sorry I ever hurt you, Seung Ho.” I stood up from where we were sitting and took a deep breath. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier about my heart.”

“Is it every day that someone comes and tells you that you have a heart disease or that you’re dying?” He asked me as he raised one of his eyebrows at me.

I shook my head as I pressed my lips together. “I guess not.”

“So why even apologize?”

“Because I knew all along and yet, I couldn’t bring myself to tell you – I was being selfish.” I scratched the back of my neck. “I guess I just wanted to see how it’d feel to have my crush like me for once after waiting for so long.”

“And how did it feel?” He asked me.

“Good.” I replied.

“That’s it? Just good?” He nudged me as if he was offended.

“It was more than good.” I pouted at him. “I was more than thankful to have someone like you, as my crush, finally fall for my charms.”

“Charms that you don’t even know of.” He shook his head.

“Charms that I do know of now.” I rolled my eyes jokingly. “But that doesn’t change the fact that I still had a crush on you. You should be happy.”

“I’m not happy anymore.”

I gave him a stern look.

“It’s because I’ve liked you for a long time and now that I had the chance, I already lost it.” He ran a hand through his rough hair before letting out a frustrated sigh. “What would have happened if I asked you out on a date on our first year?”

“We’d probably be dating, huh?”

“I guess we would.” He chuckled. “But would that mean you’d break up with me because of your heart as well?”

“I guess we wouldn’t know.” I shrugged.

“But it doesn’t matter because I’ll always like you.” Seung Ho ruffled my hair as he smiled cutely at me. “And I’ll be there for you.”

“Thank you.” I looked up at him with a sincere smile. “Really.”

*A/N: This is pretty much just a closure since I didn't want them parting without an explanation and what not. Enjoy! My updates will be everyday until Chen's birthday! Thank you so much for those who've stayed by this story's side. I know many people have unsubscribed and even unupvoted 3, but I'll be okay! I'm just happy to see that there are still people reading! Please read and comment. I'd love to hear about your opinions, so please don't be a silent reader. Thank you and read with lots of love! Keke~! Muah