When I was younger I would always try to picture how things would be for me when I got older. I had always been a very creative day dreamer so I had grown up having huge hopes and high expectations for everything. I knew how I wanted my first date to be, my first boyfriend to look like, my wedding to be, how I would hope to find out I was pregnant, and how many kids I wanted.

Young foolish me had everything planned and young ridiculous me was convince that it was going to be exactly how I envisioned it. It was going to be amazing, happy, with a little bit of sadness.

I was a very naïve little kid.

As I got older and actually went on my first date I realize that made up fantasies were sometimes better than the real thing. I learn nothing was perfect and nothing was always good. I especially learned this when I had my first boyfriend and he looked nothing like my fantasy boyfriend did. The boyfriend I had envision and fantasied about turned out to be way out of my league. Something younger, me never even thought about.

 My first boyfriend also turned out not to be as nice as I had envision him to be. I had always pictured dating nice well manner guys, but my first boyfriend didn’t turn out to be anything like that at all. Instead he had turned out to be quite the jerk. He ended up dumping me the day I got my braces. A month later he started dating my then best friend. I was devastated and heartbroken.

As I got older, little by little I started realizing that you could have a picture of how you wanted things to be, but realistically, things sometimes didn’t turn out to be like that. Sometimes the complete opposite of what you think would happen actually happens.

But from everything I could imagine not being close to my made up fantasies or expectations, I never suspected it would be my first possible pregnancy. I never once imagine I would end up buying my first pregnancy test a day after my mother’s wedding day while my ex-boyfriend, not even my current, was thousands of miles away.

No, I never imagine this would ever happen to me.

The day after my mother’s wedding day I had return to my dorm room with my very first pregnancy test. I was determine to find out once and for all if I was or was not. But sometimes, thinking things is easier than doing them.

I had told myself a million different things to calm myself down, to convince myself everything would be alright, but yet when it came down to taking the test all the things I had told myself had all flown out of my head. Instead I sat on my bathroom floor frozen and absolutely scared to even open the test, to even read the instructions, or to even just take the damn test. All I kept thinking while looking at the pink rectangular box sitting on my bathroom counter was that if I was pregnant, I would be ing not only my life up but also Chen’s. 

No matter much I tried telling myself to take the test, to find out for sure, I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to know by myself.

So that night, I got up from the bathroom, and left the pink rectangular box sitting untouched and unopened on my bathroom counter. I never moved it that day and I didn’t move it the following days. I didn’t even move it when it started to cause me great pain and annoyance to just see it every day for two weeks.

I tried to ignore it and avoid it as much as I possibly could. And so before I knew it, two weeks had gone by and I was not any closer to wanting to know if I was pregnant or not.

It was just a difference I wasn’t ready to accept yet.

“Did you figure it out?” my bother Mino asked me on an early Saturday morning.

“Jesus, Mino,” I said as I glared at him leaning on the doorway trying to get myself to fully wake up. “It’s eight in the morning, what are you doing up so early?” I mumble at him as I tried to rub away the sleep from my eyes.

My older brother only laughed and walked passed me into my dorm room. Annoyed by being woken up so early I ended up closing the door rougher than I had intended. This only caused my brother to let out another little laugh as he took a seat on my desk chair.

“What do you want?” I asked as I walked over to my bed quickly crawling under my warm blankets.

“Well, little sister, I have come to find out if I am going to be an uncle or not,” he jokingly said as he open a plastic bag he had with him. “Plus, I wanted to make sure you were okay,” he added as he took out a candy bar and tossed it to me.

I grabbed the chocolate bar but didn’t open it. Instead I used it as a distraction. I was focusing all my attention to it so I didn’t have to look at my brother. I didn’t want to say anything and I didn’t look at him. I didn’t want to admit to him that I had been nothing but a coward these past two weeks. That instead of finding out if I was pregnant or not, I had been avoiding it. That instead of doing the adult thing, I had been nothing but immature about the whole situation.

I didn’t want to talk about it.

I didn’t want to listen to what he had to say.

“So,” he asked but I said nothing. Instead I focused on reading all the nutritional details of the candy bar.

My brother let out a sigh and for a brief moment I let myself look at him only to regret it because one look let me know how worry my brother actually was for me. He looked so troubled, so tired, and so frustrated. Instantly I felt guilty but I didn’t say anything and instead let us sit there in complete awkward silence.

“You haven’t done anything about it, have you?” he finally asked after some time.

I looked up from the candy bar I had been staring at for the past five minutes to look at Mino. He looked annoyed and kept rubbing his temples probably due to getting a headache from how frustrated he was at me. At this point, my guilt was eating my alive.

“I just,” I started but was instantly cut off by my brother’s harsh voice.

 “Look, I went and bought this,” Mino said as he open the plastic bag once again. “I have no idea if this one is good or not and I tried asking the lady at the register but she just gave me a judging look,” he laughed bitterly as he pulled out a little pink rectangular box similar to the one that was on my bathroom counter.

“You went to buy this for me?” I asked surprised.

“Yeah,” he said awkwardly as he rubbed the back of his neck. “I got a lot of for it so please actually take it Chae rin.”

I only nodded my head as I grabbed it. My hands instantly shaking just like they did the first time I had bought my very own copy of this test.

“Look, I have to go,” my brother mumble as he stood up. “Just-just take the test, Chae rin. Let yourself know what is going on with you,” he awkwardly said as he made his way to the door.

He quietly said a goodbye and immediately left my room.

For a while I sat there looking at the test in my hands. Every other time I had been able to come up with an excuse as to why I couldn’t or didn’t want to take the test…and this time was no different.

It’s not that I was in denial about my situation because I wasn’t. I knew there was a bigger chance that I was pregnant than not, but in a strange way I wasn’t ready to admit it to myself. I knew about it but I wasn’t completely acknowledging it. Because in the end, I wasn’t really ready to know the truth.

Because the truth would change everything. Because the truth of this whole situation would hurt more than not being sure. And in my opinion, even though everything was eating at my conscious, it was better not being certain.

So with shaky legs and a nervous heart I got up and went to put that pink rectangular box on top on the ones I already had. Didn’t look back, didn’t double guess myself. But instead I turn away from them and closed my bathroom door and went back to my bed where I grabbed my phone and clicked on the name of the person I had called 26 in past two weeks.

It did not connect. It didn’t not give me the option to leave a voicemail. But instead like all the other times the operator answer to let me know that the number I had dial was not taking calls at this moment.

And just like all the other times I hanged up and went to sleep with a heavy heart and the realization that any doubt I had about what I was doing was squashed by the fact he wouldn’t even answer my calls.

Yeah, this was definitely a difference I wasn’t ready to accept. 

Seriously thank you so much to all of you who subscribed and commented. Really, thank you so much! :)

So I had originally planned to post chapter 2 last week but I ended up getting sick and not being able to. I’m really sorry about that. To make it up to you guys I will be updating sometime soon this week again.

I hope you guys like the chapter…hopefully it’s not terrible lol. Next chapter will have Chae rin/Kris interaction.

As always, have some cute Kris

 (c)