This is always like this.

Sehun who’s sitting in one of the benches in the park.

Heads down.

A tight breathing chest.

And.

A crying Luhan beside him.

It’s always been a cycle.

It’s always been.

Luhan and Kris broke up.

Kris told Luhan that he loves someone else which is the vice president in their school’s martial arts club and their relationship is not working because Luhan always follow whatever Kris told him and everything is okay for him which the latter doesn’t even understand.

“Sehun, I really don’t understand.” Luhan sobs between his words and his hands cupping his beautiful face.

“Luhan hyung..” The younger’s response.

“He..he said, I am too good enough for him, that I don’t deserve him.” Luhan confesses to Sehun.

Sehun and Luhan know each other because of their parents which were best friends and ended up the both of them as the same relationship. Luhan even got the chance to see the baby Sehun when he was born in the hospital. That time, little Luhan thinks he’ll keep Sehun as his little brother and protect him, which in contradict on Sehun’s taste.

He adores Luhan.

He cares to Luhan.

He protects Luhan.

He likes Luhan.

He wants Luhan.

He loves Luhan.

Why destiny does not meet their feelings and Sehun is always in the position were Luhan will tell him the reason of his broke-ups?

First, it’s Xiumin, the soccer player in their school.

Second, it’s Yunho, the basketball player.

And now, Kris, the artist.

How can Luhan notice him if his suitors were big hits like them?

Sehun describes himself as just only. Pale. Young. Lisp boy.

“Hyung..it’s okay. Forget about them. You’ll find your prince—“Sehun answered and Luhan looks up to him, uncapped face. “—he’s just around, you just only have to open your heart..to notice.”

Luhan chuckles. “You’ve been telling me that always when I’m broke.”

Sehun rubs circles on the back of his hyung to calm him down. “It’s okay Luhan hyung. It’s..okay.”

Luhan stands up in the bench and wipe his tears. “Come on!”

“Where are we going?”

“Bubble tea!” Luhan squeals and runs like a kid.

“Idiot Luhan hyung. Pretending to be okay when he’s not.” Sehun murmurs to himself and follows Luhan.

--

This Luhan’s fourth love, Jinyoung. The charismatic guy.

Of course, Sehun knows that and guess what, he’s broken.

Poor guy..

“Yah!” Luhan calls Sehun which is eating lunch with his friends in their school canteen.

“Oh. Hey.” Sehun greeted.

“Guess what!”

“Hmm..let me guess.” Sehun pauses. “You’re dating Jinyoung hyung?”

“Ugh. You are annoying! You know it! You’re no fun!”

“Yeah.” Sehun shortly said, head ducks down to his plate, hiding his teary eyes. “If you excuse me Luhan hyung, I’ll go now, I have my next classes. See you around.”

Sehun is bitter.

--

“Sehun?” His mother calls out.

“Hmm?”

“I’ll just go to a business trip for 2 days; I’ll be back soon okay? Keep safe.” Sehun’s mother said and leans down to kiss his son’s forehead. “Behave.”

“Sure.”

“And oh, when I came back, I wish you’ll accept your father’s offer. I’m heading off.”

Sehun sighs and stares at the ceiling.

--

It’s been what, 2 months? Luhan always with Jinyoung, he’s not even hanging with Sehun and loses connection with his best friend. And now, in front of him is a puffy red eyed Luhan in their front door.

Sehun doesn’t need to ask because he knows.

Luhan immediately throw his body to Sehun and hugs him tightly as soon as Sehun opens the door.

“Lu-Luhan hyung…” Sehun said calmly and hugs back his hyung and buried his face to the older’s auburn hair and twitch his eyebrows because he smells, alcohol.

“He—he…”

“Sssssshhhhh..It’s okay.” Sehun said and rub circles to Luhan’s back. “Come on in.”

--

Sehun have split feelings. He doesn’t know if he’ll be happy or sad.

He’s sad because Luhan is crying and he doesn’t want the older crying in front of him and saying the reason of his break-ups, he hates it, but still, trying to understand and just listen.

Happy because, he has a chance, chance to conquer Luhan’s heart.

Plan to make him, his.

“Here drink some water.” Sehun offers.

“What’s wrong with me?” Luhan asks in hiccups.

“Hyung, your drunk..take a nap. Come—“

“No!” Luhan argues. “Am I not…pretty?”

Sehun gulps. He doesn’t know how to act in front of a drunken Luhan.

“Y-you’re pretty.”

Luhan smiles to Sehun and tears flows down to his cheeks.

“Then, why do they always break up on me, am I not good? Am I ugly? Am I annoying? Am I disgusting? Do I smell rotten—“

“You’re perfect.” Sehun smiles and Luhan’s heart beat became fast and he can feel his face burning and it confuse him if it’s because of the alcohol or is it just too hot inside or is it just because of…..Sehun.

“You’re perfect Luhan hyung.” Sehun smiles, too close for Luhan can remember.

They were just inches apart.

“Se-sehun..”

Sehun closes the gap between them, slowly and softly leaning until lips met his lips. Sehun closes his eyes and feel the rhythm of the pace of his heartbeat and smiles because it’s just not only his heart; it’s the loud thump of their hearts together, beating as one.

Luhan on the other hand is wide shock, looking straight to the closed eye Sehun tasting his lips. He wonders when did Sehun become to be like this, this…handsome. Since when. He can hear his heart beating loud and he makes himself comfortable.

Sehun holds the back of his neck to lean in more and deepen the kiss.

Luhan enjoys it. And so Sehun do. But, Luhan pulls back and stands up wiping his lips with the back of his hand.

“This is wrong.” Luhan weakly said.

“This is not wrong.” Sehun stands up too.

“I—I shoud go.” Luhan turns his heel and ready to leave when Sehun grabs his arms.

“Hyung…Luhan hyung..”

“No, Sehun..”

“Don’t you…like me?” Sehun asks and he didn’t get a response. “Hyung..I’ve been loving you for my whole life..Do you think its fine for me to see you crying because of some other guy? Do you think I am not hurt whenever you have a relationship with someone who is not me? Do you think I feel what I feel?” Sehun started to cry and loosens the grip on Luhan’s arms and slide it down to his wrist.

“Is it hard to love me?”

Luhan don’t know what to say. He is out of words.

“You always run to me, crying and asking, ‘Why is he like that? Can’t he love me?’ now, let me ask you—“Sehun pauses and wipes his tears into his cheeks and Luhan swears he want to reach the younger and embrace him tightly but instead he turns his head to the other side just so that he can’t have the urge to do it. “—why are you like this? Are they just the only one you can love?”

“Sehun..I—I can’t..were almost like brothers—“

“Damn it Luhan hyung! I don’t want to be your brother!” Sehun yells and new tears form to his eyes again.

‘I’ll leave.” Luhan said and takes Sehun’s hands away to his wrist because it is suffocating, the touch is burning.

Luhan is ready to leave holding the door knob when Sehun speaks again that made him stop to his trace.

“Why can’t it be just a simple ‘I love you Sehun’.”

Luhan can hear his own heartbeat. He don’t know how to response and just choose to leave Sehun alone and think for himself.

--

Luhan and Sehun didn’t see each other in school or is it just that Luhan always turn the other way whenever he see the top of the younger’s head.

It’s been a week of awkwardness and turning heels until Luhan doesn’t even see the presence of the younger and he wonders why.

“Luhannie?” his mother chirps out.

“Yes Mom?”

“Are you not going to the airport?”

“Airport?” Luhan questionably asks.

“Did Sehun not tell you he’ll be leaving and study abroad to finish his studies there, his dad always tells him to study abroad since grade school but he always refuses, I wonder what pushes him to suggest himself voluntarily.”

Luhan doesn’t need to let his mother repeat what she just said and he just saw himself riding a taxi going airport and his mother calling his name on the background.

Luhan fiddling his fingers because of nervousness inside the taxi and when they got there, he just throw multiple dollars not thinking how much is it and letting himself inside the airport.

Sea of crowded people can be seen and he wanders around the place looking for a familiar head of a boy. Finding him with his heart beating so loud he knows what he wants.

He saw a familiar top of head of a boy and he runs to him his heart beating so loud and his chest tightening.

Luhan reaches his place and taps his shoulder.

“Sehun?”

--

Head down. Slump shoulders. Red puffed eyes.

This is what Luhan looks like when he reaches their house and his mother asking why. But, Luhan just went upstairs in his room and lock his door not letting anyone disturb his privacy.

It is not him.

The man he approaches is not his Sehun. It’s some other boy that looks like him at the back view and Luhan apologizes but then, his world stops when the speaker announced that Sehun’s airplane already fly.

He lost him.

He lost Sehun.

Why does Luhan have to be in the situation where he already has the younger but he always lost him, he always did.

He always hurt him but Sehun always stay, but not this time. Even if he calls Sehun’s name multiple times, he can never hear it.

He can never reach Sehun, hug Sehun and maybe kiss him.

When Luhan locked his door he falls into his knees and bury his face to his hands.

He is crying.

He can’t lose Sehun but he already did.

All he knows is to wait.

To wait until Sehun comes back.

Back to his arms.