music ( X )

     I can’t remember the last time I have seen something so breathtaking, or when I lost the ability to see such beauty in something so simple; something that has been taken for granted by everyone. The multitude of colors blended together to create such an image of the beginning of the day had never been so captivating. Has the sunrise always been this beautiful? I was, most definitely, missing out on life. And sitting here - in this plush balcony chair - I learn to regret the last few years that I have lived under all of the suffocating pressure that drew faded scars on my forearms, or the needle-sized dots sprinkled in the insides of my elbows. I learn to regret the words that never left my mouth; even though they were beating against the insides of my mouth vehemently. I learn to regret the entrapment of my love for him in this cold organ I called a heart.

     And as I keep staring at the sun rising higher and higher from the endless horizon, I realized he was like the sunrise. Everyone took him for granted. Everyone knew that whenever they needed him, he’ll be there. It didn’t matter what the situation was; a call, a text, a short voicemail and he’ll be right there by your side within moments. And I knew I was one of those people who took him for granted.

    When I would find myself unable to sleep because of the violent grumbles erupting from my stomach, he would drive down from his college dorm just to feed me; though most of the time I ended getting mad at him for making me even more fat than I was. When I would find myself exhausted from the pressures of multiple photoshoots, endless conferences with the press, and the craziness of what happens backstage at a fashion show, he would leave class early, drive to wherever my gig was at, and bring me my favorites. Iced Americano with a small bag of dark chocolate; though most of the time he’d end up wearing the drink because I was too pissed off that he was bothering me during my work. When I would find myself buried alive in my cold empty bed, face swollen and red from the endless tears that were caused by some I called a boyfriend, he would ditch class, come knocking on my door, and climb into bed with me curling me up in his warm embrace, telling me that they had lost the chance to have someone as perfect as me. But most of the time, he ended up with a few bruises because I would blame him for being too close to me, I would blame him for everything that went wrong in my life.

     But that didn’t stop him from seeking me out when he knew I needed him. Most of the time, I didn’t even know I needed him. It wasn’t until one dangerously cold winter night, not too long ago, that I learned how much I had needed him, wanted him... How much I had taken him for granted. As I laid unmoving, exhausted, and just sick of life on my bathroom floor my thoughts were flooded of him. Out of all the faces, it was his that I could only remember. I thought about how in a few moments he would come sweeping in the way he always did and take me in his arms, telling me everything was going to be fine, lacing my dark insidious thoughts with his angel-like voice, and drowning me in love like he always did. I thought about how he would scold me about how stupid I was being, and maybe give me a soft kiss to sooth his harsh words. I thought about how he probably wouldn’t leave me alone for another second after finding out what I had done to my body; the body he loved so much, and tried so hard to protect. But as my mind flooded with thoughts of him, the once-white-tiled-bathroom floor was flooded by my blood.

     The torn flesh of my thin wrists ached. The delicate skin jaggedly left open. The adrenaline running in my veins, though also filled with other not-so-legal fluids, softened the pain, but only by a bit. This time… it was different from every other time that I had done this. Did I cut too deep? Did I take in too much? And as the pain started becoming more and more noticeable rather than the high I was looking for, fear kicked in. Was this how I was going to die? Was I going to leave this world without even seeing another glimpse of that god-like being? Was I never going to see that bright childlike smile ever again? How much would he hurt? How long would he grieve? Would he be happy that I was gone so that he would be free? But as the lights seem to fade out, as the cold seem to grow from within me, one last thought managed to seep into this thick head of mine. I didn’t even get to tell him how much I love him yet.

     The warmth from the sun’s intensifying rays warmed me as my wandering fingertips traced the skin that has roughly healed. I’ve come a long way. A very long way. No… Not I… It wasn’t just me anymore… it was now ‘we’. We have come a long way. My lips turn upwards at the shuffling of the movements from inside the room just behind me. The glass door slides open and the man of my thoughts slipped out to join me. A warm fluffy fleece blanket is wrapped around my front and up onto my shoulders and his muscular arms lay casually on my shoulders. His nose buried in my hair, I just stay still and relish the intimacy of our his actions. His gruff voice teases my ears as he speaks.

     “What are you looking at?” He questions curiously. “There’s nothing but rooftops of buildings.”

    “The sunrise.” I answer softly, not wanting to disturb the sun’s graceful actions. “Isn’t it beautiful?”

     “Baby…” He lays a chaste kiss on the back of my neck. “You’re so much more beautiful…”

    And the warmth he has already given me with his short appearance grows as his hands travel down the length of my arms gently, hoovering off my skin just enough for me to want more, ending it’s journey when his hands were directly over the back of mine. He intertwines our hands before pulling them in front of me, enveloping me in his warm embrace yet again. Deciding that this wasn’t close enough for him, he pulls me up after what feels like seconds and just holds me from behind, nuzzling himself into my back. After a while of rocking back and forth to the silent rhythm of our heart beats, he sits down and pulls me into his lap. A hum of contentment escapes my lips, and a smile stretches on his.

      “Baby, hum me a song.” His chin rested lazily on my shoulder as I started humming along to my favorite song.

     The warmth of the sun, and warmth of his embrace melted the block of ice I have always been. The gentle brushes that his fingertips left on my chest was enough to slowly pick away at the already diminishing coldness. The tender and comforting circles he drew on my hands rubbed away everything else that was left of the old… inhumane me.

I can’t remember the last time I felt so… beautiful. Not the self-absorbed and conceited kind of beautiful, but rather the feeling of just pure satisfaction of what I have because I am perfect to someone out there; to him. I didn’t have to put on a fake smile, or let out a raucous laugh; my quiet and reserved self was just enough. Has the ability to acknowledge self-worth always been this difficult to accept? Having his arms wrapped around me, his warmth keeping me hostage and intoxicating me with his scent, I felt much more beautiful, much more… human… than I have ever felt when I was on the cover of magazines, or walking for a fashion line, or selling a product on TV.

“Jongup-ah…” I say as I finished humming the song.

“Yeah babe.”

“I…” My heart heart pulls in every direction. My stomach does flips thinking about the words that I wanted to say over and over again for the rest of my life. “You know I love you, right?”

“I’ve never doubted you.” Jongup’s arms tightened around my body, melting me even more.

A small smile pulls onto my lips. “And I’ll always love you, and only you.”

Jongup’s lips meets my clothed shoulder leaving a few kisses here and there. “And I have loved only you, and it’ll always be only you.”

“No matter what happens… just remember that.” I hadn’t realized that my voice broke just a bit.

“Why does it sound like you’re saying goodbye?” Jongup whispered into my shoulder.

“I’m just saying…” I closed his eyes tightly, head tilting back gently resting on his strong shoulders. “If I lose myself… ag-

“You won’t.” Jongup’s snaps back quickly.

“No… Just… If I lose myself again…” My voice is nothing but a soft murmur.

“Then I’ll find you again, like how I found you the first time.” Jongup softly kisses behind my ear; voice just a whisper. “No matter how many times you lose your way, I’ll map your way back home. All you have to do is take my hand and trust me.”

And with that my broken gaze meets Jongup’s protective and determined one. Breath in sync and hearts aligned, our lips meet fervently, wholeheartedly devoting each other’s existence to the other’s. A slight shudder escape me without me knowing, but his hands come up and cups my face, wiping the tears that I didn’t know I had let loose. The last of my frozen heart evaporating into the unknown.

Decided to write this after I got hit in the face with a whole bunch of Himup feels. :)

Idk. I hope you liked it. There are probably a lot of mistakes. I will go back and fix them. 

I'm not quite satisfied with the ending. It feels like something is missing, so maybe there'll be a sequel.

But yeah. Thanks you reading! I lub yous!

<3 <3 <3 Much Love~!