I’m lonely. Nobody loves me. The only way people look at me is: disgust & hate. They don’t know my story, that’s why they judge me. I feel so cold right now. I’m sitting in my usual place in the streets next to a coffee shop. I’m homeless and I need help. I sometimes go around and beg people to give me money, I’m in need of money, and I’m always so hungry and pitiful. I want to die. Here’s my story:  I’ve been living with my parents and my 2 years old sister in a small village, they died in a car accident and I had to go to an orphanage but I escaped to Seoul. I heard that Seoul is such a beautiful place but I never got to see it, I spent my whole past life in the country side, somewhere near Busan. I’ve always dreamt to visit this dream land called Seoul but now I wish I did not come here. It been 6 months since I’m living like this but it feels like forever. That’s why I want to die. The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square, and surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from a window of a burning high-rise. I’ve looked for help everywhere but people only care about their selves, they don’t care about others. But I always remember what my grandfather has told me when I was young: When you face the perils of weariness, carelessness, and confusion, don’t pray for an easier life. Pray instead to be a stronger woman of God. The strange feeling we had in the war. Have you found anything in your lives since to equal it in strength? A sort of splendid carelessness it was, holding us together. Keep your eyes open to your mercies. The person who forgets to be thankful has fallen asleep in life. Even a happy life cannot be without a mesure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better take things as they come along with patience and equanimityㅡsadness is a poison.
Now my grandfather’s words come all together and hit me right in the heart.

I worked all kind of slavery jobs, but they never lasted. So I’m again right here, sitting and praying for a better life. As I was looking at people who walked past me and ignored me, I’ve heard a voice. I thought it was all a hallucination, but for a moment, it felt real.

“What are you doing here alone, young lady?” A soft voice said. I felt so warm & safe for a while and answered.

“This is my ‘house’. This is where I live.” I answered. This good looking young man has offered his hand as I stood up. “Are you hungry?” He asked. I was too ashamed to say yes so I shook my head no. But my stomach made noise all day along, and of course he heard it and chuckled.

“You’re quite interesting, and cute. Come with me. I’ll treat you a meal.” His sentence gave me hope, my world suddenly has lightened. For normal people, or more like people that live well. Memory has many moods, but for me, I only had a depressed mood. I lived in a dark world. You can say that I hate people. "Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad."

I walked with this guy to the nearest restaurant. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you’re so relieved. Our whole discussion was only him asking questions and all I had to do is nod or shake my head. I’m not the kind of girl that has an ideal type; I have my own problems and life to take care of. But this guy was my ideal type. He just was. Like when you’re in a good mood for no reason. It is very surprising that I am talking about good moods right now. This person has given me a whole new feeling, I’m not sure if this is happiness but it was different from what I’ve felt. So I call it happiness. I feel so full right now, I ate a lot. I thought no amount of food will feed my hunge