The next day, Chanyeol pulls past the house to pick Jongin up for school and raises an eyebrow at the presence of Sehun. He awkwardly waves in greeting and shuffles his feet next to Jongin.

 

"Sehun stayed over," Jongin offers as an explanation.

 

"Oh," Chanyeol replies after a pause. "Oh."

 

"Stay over as in stay over so get your mind out of the gutter," Jongin says, yanking the car door open and sliding in.

 

Sehun follows suit biting back laughter at the nonplussed expression on Chanyeol's face.

 

"Wait, so is this a thing now?" Chanyeol asks once he starts an engine. "Like you t--"

 

"No hyung, now shut up and drive."

 

Sehun doesn't let himself toy with the idea of what ifs but he thinks it might be nice if what ifs were true.

 

 

 

"What the is this."

 

Sehun stares at his desk covered in flowers and chocolates and spins a hundred and eighty degrees to glare at Mr. Wu.

 

"What is this."

 

Mr. Wu shrugs. "No idea."

 

"What do you mean, no idea? Weren't you in here?"

 

Mr. Wu shrugs again. "Can't help you there. Sorry."

 

Sehun groans and plops down in his seat, staring at the pile of stuff on his desk and wondering to himself what the hell am I going to do with this where did this even come from why is it on my desk???

 

Some kid named Huang Zitao who sits next to him leans over.

 

"Whoa, secret admirer?"

 

"What."

 

"Man, they must really like you. Look at that quality chocolate."

 

"What."

 

"And those flowers. Those flowers look very nice."

 

"What."

 

Zitao looks up at him with a slightly confused expression. "Um. Are you okay?"

 

"What."

 

"...Is there a card?"

 

The practical and logical question is what shocks Sehun into looking through the mess for a card.

 

He'd walked into first period this morning only to find that his desk had disappeared under mounds of chocolates and flowers, and he had no idea who it was from.

 

He extracts a small white envelope and pulls out a card.

 

I hope you like Ghiradelli and roses.

 

Sehun blinks at the card a couple of times before staring at his desk again. Sure enough, the flowers were indeed an extravagant bouquet of roses, and there were bags of Ghiradelli chocolate threatening to fall off the desk.

 

"Who's it from?" Zitao asks.

 

Sehun scans the card and flips to the back, but there isn't a name written--not on the card nor the envelope.

 

"No idea," he mutters.

 

The card was obviously written by a girl, the script loopy and curly. Sehun knows he should be flattered that someone would take the time and money to buy all these chocolates and flowers for him, but he really just feels a tad uncomfortable--especially with half the class staring at him.

 

"Mr. Huang, if you're done annoying Mr. Oh, I'd like you to face the front of the class again," Mr. Wu says sharply from the front of the room.

 

Zitao grins sheepishly before mouthing a "lucky you" and turning to the teacher.

 

Sehun does not feel very lucky and groans internally as he thinks about what he's going to do with all this.

 

Luckily, Mr. Wu lets him stow the stash in the back of the room, so he doesn't have to walk around with it all day long. However, news spreads quickly, and by third period, his entire grade knew about his surprise gift in first period.

 

"So, I heard," Baekhyun says as he slides next to Sehun for lunch. "Who's it from?"

 

"Dunno."

 

"What'd they get you?"

 

"Chocolates and flowers."

 

"Ooooh," Baekhyun says, interested. "What kind?"

 

"Ghiradelli and roses."

 

"...I want your chocolates."

 

"Yes, please have them."

 

Baekhyun lets out a disgruntled sigh. "Why are you so unenthusiastic about the whole thing? Any other person would've been delighted!"
 

"Guess I'm not Every Other Person then." Sehun says flatly.

 

"Isn't that your mantra though? Float somewhere in the middle of the spectrum? Don't stand out? Be like everyone else?"

 

"Yeah. Apparently that never works though."

 

Sehun sounds almost angry and Baekhyun immediately switches gears.

 

"What's wrong?" He asks. "You seem very cranky today."

 

"Nothing."

 

"Nothing as in nothing, or nothing as in I don't want to tell you anything even though I'm your best friend, or nothing as in I don't really know what's going on myself," Baekhyun says cheekily.

 

"Nothing as in I'm going to deck you in the face if you don't shut up," Sehun replies, not amused.

 

"Jesus Christ, what's wrong with you today?"

 

Sehun finally deflates and stares glumly at his lunch.

 

"I don't know," he replies honestly.

 

"I mean, the last time you were this angry and moody was when you were going through the I'm embracing my newly found biuality bu--"

 

"Can we please not talk about that; that was the tiest time of my life."

 

Baekhyun sighs again and raises his hands in surrender.

 

"What's wrong with getting chocolates and flowers. I want chocolates and flowers, " Baekhyun says wistfully.

 

"You have a boyfriend."

 

"Oh right." Baekhyun immediately brightens at the mention of Chanyeol.

 

He pats Sehun on the shoulder.

 

"You know, maybe you should just get rid of the complications in life and be happy about the fact that you now have a lot of very expensive chocolate," he says wisely.

 

It's Sehun's turn to sigh, and he finds that Baekhyun's right.

 

There really isn't anything wrong with getting chocolates and flowers or getting a secret admirer.

 

 

 

"Sehun, I want some of that chocolate," is the first thing Mr. Lu says when Sehun wanders into his trig class.

 

Mr. Lu is sitting perched on his desk, arms crossed with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

 

"How the hell--"

 

"Oh, news gets around," Mr. Lu says, grinning from ear to ear.

 

"Please just shut up," Sehun mutters under his breath.

 

"Hey, I heard that."

 

Sehun scoffs and begins his next trig assignment instead.

 

"By the way, I'm letting you off tutoring now."

 

Sehun's head shoots up. "What?"

 

"Well, Jongin's grade has raised substantially since the beginning of the semester, so I think he'll do fine on his own now."

 

Sehun takes a few seconds to process the information before nodding slowly.

 

"Oh."

 

Mr. Lu casts him a suspicious look. "Why do you look so disappointed?"

 

"I'm not," he reassures Mr. Lu.

 

Mr. Lu looks unconvinced, and Sehun doesn't blame him, because his words sound false even to his own ears.

 

 

 

Sehun waits inside of the teachers ' lounge again that afternoon. It's the last tutoring session he'll have with Jongin, and he can't seem to get the thought out of his mind.

 

He tries to work on his homework, but instead, he repeatedly looks at the clock and drums his fingers against the table. Honestly, he's a bit scared. Jongin and him rarely talk to each other in school, except for the tutoring sessions. Now that they're over, he's afraid that the two of them will never talk again.

 

The prospect of losing this opportunity to be with Jongin makes him feel sick in the stomach.

 

When Jongin finally arrives, Sehun nearly breaks his neck as he looks up.

 

"Hey," Jongin says breathlessly, obviously having run from the dance room.

 

He collapses into a chair and tosses his duffel bag onto the floor.

 

"What's up?" He asks. "I heard you g--"

 

"I swear that's the only thing anyone talks to me about today," Sehun says, exasperated.

 

Jongin grins. "Sorry."

 

He rummages in his backpack and pulls out his textbook and a huge lollipop.

 

"I'm sure you're going to get tired of chocolate soon, so have one of these swirly things."

 

Sehun accepts the lollipop, spinning it in his hands, and smiles. "Thanks."

 

"No problem. Oh, I heard I don't have to attend tutoring sessions anymore. Isn't that great?"

 

Sehun freezes in the middle of picking up his pencil and glances at Jongin. He's flipping through his textbook when he catches Sehun's eye.

 

"What's wrong?" He asks.

 

"Nothing," Sehun replies quickly.

 

He returns to his homework, but suddenly, all the trig formulas look like a jumble of symbols to him and he finds it hard to focus. Jongin's saying something in the background about his next dance performance, but Sehun doesn't hear him.

 

Instead, he focuses on the way Jongin seemed so glad for these tutoring sessions to be over. He couldn't blame Jongin--no one likes tutoring sessions. He couldn't blame Jongin--no one likes--

 

"Sehun?"

 

"Huh?" Sehun breaks out of his reverie and looks up at Jongin.

 

"You looked dazed."

 

"Oh. Sorry."

 

He couldn't blame Jongin. How was he to know that these afternoons meant something to Sehun?

 

That these afternoons had transformed from a burden into something he looked forward to everyday? That he enjoyed teaching Jongin, enjoyed seeing the bright smiles from him when he was able to solve a problem or when he scored high on a test? That he began to treat these afternoons less like an opportunity for extra credit but more like a regular study session between two friends?

 

Friends.

 

It's alright. Sehun takes a deep breath and places his pencil against his paper and begins writing again.

 

They end the session early. Sehun claims that Jongin is now fine on his own, and that he needs to go home and type up a research report. They ride the bus together as usual, and part ways at the bus stop near Sehun's house.

 

"I'll see you, then," Jongin says as he adjusts the strap on his shoulder.

 

He smiles, and Sehun shields his eyes from the setting sun behind Jongin.

 

"Yeah."

 

 

 

They stop seeing each other.

 

Not intentionally, of course. With the new semester and Jongin’s upcoming spring performance, there is no time to hang out. The tutoring sessions were what ensured that they’d see each other at least once a day, but even those are over.

Jongin texts Sehun every day though, once when he wakes up to say “Good morning,” a million times in class when he’s bored, and once at night saying “Good night.”

 

Sehun replies to every single one of them, even the really pointless ones like “Zzzzz.” He likes the fact that Jongin remembers he exists, that Jongin is still willing to give him the time of the day.

 

He still receives chocolates and sometimes even a freshly cut rose with a thin ribbon attached to it. There are also short and sweet notes stuck in his locker, and over time, he begins to feel a sort of happy anticipation when he opens his locker.

 

He’s curious as of who this secret admirer was--if he knew them personally or not--and the chance to finally meet them comes all too soon.
 

Sehun should’ve expected it to be on Valentine’s Day.

 

He’s walking to first period as usual, stopping at his locker to pull out a couple of book, and checks if there’s another note.

Sure enough, a folded, lavender colored piece of paper floats to the floor when he opens the door.

 

He flips it open and reads it, eyebrows furrowing at the message inside.

 

Let’s eat lunch together.

 

He ponders what the message meant on his way to class, the note in his pocket. Were they going to finally reveal themselves to him? The prospect is a bit exhilarating and a bit frightening--he doesn’t know how he’s supposed to face them.

 

Sehun feels unreasonably nervous when he walks into first period. There’s another note taped to the top of his desk when he sits down.

 

Meet me in the Art Hall?

 

Suddenly, the finality in the note seems a bit suffocating, and Sehun settles into his seat, a bit stunned.

 

“Achem.”

Sehun looks up from the note to see Mr. Wu looking at him with a smile. He nods at the note.

 

“From the secret admirer again?”

There’s a hint of amusement in his voice and Sehun narrows his eyes.

 

“You know who it is don’t you? It’s impossible for you not to. You’re the one who unlocks the classroom every morning.”

 

Mr. Wu grins, and Sehun finds it to be a scary mirror image of Mr. Lu’s smile, and shivers. Mr. Wu places a hand over his heart.

“Sorry, sworn to secrecy.”

 

Sehun grumbles under his breath, but Mr. Wu just laughs and returns to the front of the class to begin the lesson.
 

Time crawls by much too slowly and Sehun finds himself staring at the clock most of the time. During the last period before lunch, he’s starting to feel butterflies in his stomach as he stares down the inching second hand.

 

Once the bell rings, he bolts out of his seat, much to his Physics teacher’s shock, and runs to his locker. He tosses his books into his locker, haphazardly runs his hands through his hair, and hightails it to the Art Hall.

 

He slows to a walk just as he turns the corner and takes a couple of deep breaths with his eyes closed.

The hallway is dark, but he can just about make out a figure sitting on one of the desks in the hall. It’s a girl, just as he’s predicted, and she was swinging her legs childishly, facing the wall in front of her rather than Sehun.
 

“Hello?” He calls out hesitantly, and she turns to him suddenly.

She hops off the table after a second and steps into the dim light. Sehun’s eyes widen.

 

“Hi,” she says shyly, hands clasped behind her back as she walks closer to Sehun.

 

“It’s you,” he says dumbly when she stops right in front of him. “Sulli?”

 

Sulli laughs a little, a bit embarrassed, and a pretty blush settles over her cheeks.

 

“Haha, surprise?”

 

She shuffles a little, before looking up at him through her long lashes and smiling.

 

“So do you want lunch or not?” She asks teasingly, heading towards the cafeteria. “Coming?”

 

“Oh. Yeah.”                                

 

He jogs to catch up to her and they walk to the cafeteria together. They stroll along the hallways comfortably, and Sehun doesn't find the silence awkward at all. It's almost as if they've traveled back in time and were little kids playing on the same swing set again. He likes it.

“You weren’t expecting me, were you?”

 

Sehun shakes his head, hands stuck deep in his pockets.

 

“Yeah well, sorry it isn’t anyone else.” She laughs before sobering up. “But this isn’t a joke or anything. Just saying.”
 

Sehun nods and clears his throat.
 

“Um…” He begins intelligently.
 

“Wait, you’re not supposed to say anything because I didn’t confess yet,” she interjects, and Sehun laughs.
 

“Well, okay then. Are you going to, or not?” He replies, still chortling.

 

“Be patient,” Sulli whines. “I’m trying to prepare myself for heartbreak.”

 

Sehun is surprised by her words. “Hey, don't anticipate my reaction like that,” he says lightly, bumping shoulders with her.

“I know you don't like me.”

 

Her voice is equally as casual and a smile is still present on her face, but Sehun could see from her eyes that she’s serious.

“How would you know?”

 

“Because you’re always looking at someone else.”

 

Her voice is matter-of-fact, almost as if this was a very obvious truth that Sehun seemed to keep missing. Sehun stays quiet at her words, and she stops walking.

 

“Am I right?” Sulli asks quietly when she turns to him.

Sehun stares at her for a while and laughs--the sound uncertain and hesitant. He thinks of sleepy eyes that shine too bright for the Earth and lithe movements that dance across dusty stage floors--

 

“Fair enough,” he admits.

 

“But you’re still eating lunch with me, okay,” she says, taking his hand and pulling him into the cafeteria. “So I can feel happy for one day and cry when I get home.”

 

Sehun lets her lead him into the cafeteria, ignoring the confused look Baekhyun gives him when he passes by their regular table. Instead, he gets his lunch and sits with Sulli at a solitary table, away from most of the crowd.

“Don’t mind the murderous looks,” Sulli whispers when the two of them sit down.

 

Sehun looks around and spots a small group of girls looking menacingly at him.

 

“What the hell?”
 

Sulli grins. “My friends are nice people, I swear.”
 

Lunch is comfortable, and Sehun likes Sulli’s company. She’s witty and funny, and the two of them--to Sehun's relief--do not run out of things to talk about. They reminisce the old times, and Sehun cringes when Sulli brings up his embarrassing childhood stories. In fact, everything's ideal until Jongin enters the cafeteria.

 

Sehun sees him walk through the doors with a few of his dance team friends and unintentionally catches his eye from across the room. Jongin's eyes widen when he spots Sehun before darting to Sulli and then back at Sehun. Realization seems to dawns on him and something shuts off, his jaw tightening.

 

Jongin's face is carefully blank when he stalks past Sehun, nodding stiffly in greeting to both Sulli and Sehun.

 

Sehun watches, confused, as Jongin slides into a seat at his own table so his back faces Sehun. He doesn't glance back at him, doesn't offer him a smile like he usually does. Instead, he keeps his distance, keeps that newly built wall of ice between them.

 

Sehun doesn't understand.

 

"Whoops, guess that didn't end well," Sulli remarks.

 

She watches the way Sehun's eyes are trained to Jongin and laughs again.

 

"You should go talk to him," she says, leaning back against her chair and peeling an orange. "Like, right now."

 

 "No, it's okay," Sehun says quickly, turning back to Sulli. "It's nothing."

 

"Go. Before I change my mind and keep you for myself."

 

She grins but her tone is surprisingly firm. Sehun hesitates for a moment and watches as Jongin tosses away his untouched lunch and walks out of the cafeteria.

 

"I'll be back," he mutters and runs after Jongin.

 

"No you won't!" Sulli calls from the table and laughs as Sehun waves her off.

 

She bites into her orange and chews. "Hm. Bitter."

 

 

 

Jongin is gone by the time Sehun exits the cafeteria, and he rounds a couple of corners before he sees Jongin again.

 

Sure enough, he is heading towards the dance room.

 

"Jongin! Wait," Sehun calls.

 

Jongin's steps slow, but show no signs of stopping. Sehun catches up anyways, reaching out to grab Jongin's arm. To Sehun's surprise, Jongin rips his arm out of Sehun's grasp and turns to face him with an uncharacteristically cold expression.

 

"Jongin?  What's wrong?" Sehun asks, a tad nervous. He tries to move closer, but Jongin just backs away.

 

He doesn't look happy.

 

"Nothing's wrong," Jongin states unconvincingly. "Why do you ask?"

 

"You look...angry?"

 

Jongin scoffs. "What's it to you?"

 

Sehun narrows his eyes. "What is wrong with you? We're friends, right?"

 

"Friends,"  Jongin repeats flatly. "Friends." His shoulders seem to deflate. "Right."

 

His eyes drop to the ground and he steps even farther away from Sehun. The image of an escaping wisp of smoke suddenly passes Sehun's mind, and he resists the urge to grab onto Jongin and never let go.

 

"Sorry, Oh Sehun," Jongin suddenly says, lifting his eyes once more to meet Sehun's gaze. " Guess I can't see you as a friend."

 

He takes a swift step forward, closing the distance between them. Sehun feels an arm wrap around him, and suddenly, Jongin is pressing his lips against his. An instinctive, primal urge prompts Sehun out of his initial shock and his nerves tingle back to life. With a breathless gasp, he kisses back, placing his arms around Jongin's neck and pulling him even closer.

 

Sehun feels Jongin flinch--Jongin always flinches at his touch--but he also feels the muscles in Jongin's shoulders relax after a few seconds. Jongin pulls away, only to lean his forehead against Sehun's, and his eyes are wide.

 

"I." Jongin begins, before stopping. "I."

 

Sehun decides that he doesn't want to hear anything that Jongin has to say, so he leans forward again to chastely kiss Jongin. He likes it, and he does it again, and again, and again, until Jongin laughs and wraps his arms around Sehun.

 

"What just happened?" He whispers, still leaning impossibly close to Sehun, unwilling to move away.

 

"I don't know," Sehun replies, grinning. "Everything?"

 

"I feel like a million stars just exploded in my head," Jongin murmurs before he kisses Sehun again.

 

Sehun thinks it's an apt description, for he also sees the galaxy in his mind. He sees the dark universe lit up by a billion supernovas all bursting at once, and he sees that one star--his star--shine even brighter than the streams of never ending light.

 

It's beautiful.

 

 

 

They're basically together, but Jongin officially asks Sehun out two days after the Cafeteria Incident.

 

He's waiting for Sehun outside of first period with a cup of hot cocoa in his hands. Sehun slows down when he reaches Mr. Wu's class and looks skeptically at Jongin.

 

"What are you doing here?" He asks in lieu of a greeting and Jongin scowls playfully.

 

"Hey, I bought you hot chocolate." He hands Sehun the cup and bounces on his feet as Sehun takes it.

 

"What in the world..."

 

The cardboard cup is filled with words scribbled in black ink, save for the red message in the middle. Sehun turns the cup around a full 360 degrees and stares at the question mark ending the sentence.

 

Jongin lets the silence drag on for about half a minute before whining, "Are you going to reply or noooot? I'm going to be late for class."

 

"Um." Sehun glances up in amusement at Jongin's slightly eager and slightly nervous expression and pretends to think for a moment, biting his lip to suppress a smile.

 

"Sehuuuuuuuuuun," Jongin whines again.

 

"Okay."

 

Jongin eyes suddenly light up and he looks at Sehun brightly.

 

"Okay as in okay or okay as in just okay?" He asks excitedly.

 

Sehun laughs, a bit amazed at how he actually understood the question. He's getting used to Jongin's little eccentricities.

 

"Okay as in okay."

 

There is a pause before--

 

"YESSSSSSS!"

 

Jongin leans in to press a quick kiss on Sehun's lips before sprinting down the hall, turning around to scream, "BYE SEE YOU AT LUNCH."

 

Sehun laughs at himself and looks at the "Will you go out with me?" some more before entering the classroom. The entire class is staring at him, and he flushes red, knowing that he's just made a spectacle out of himself. When he passes Sulli's desk, she gives him a thumbs up, and he grins.

 

He spends the entire class reading the other messages Jongin had scrawled on the cup. His favorite one is "Even though you like raisin-bran muffins, and I think they're disgusting, we're still made for each other."

 

 

 

Their relationship is odd, really.

 

Sehun never thought he'd fall in love with Jongin--definitely not when he first met him. In fact, he resented Jongin when he first met him, because Sehun hated tutoring people--anyone.

 

Somehow though, amidst the bright smiles and unfamiliar acts of extreme kindness, Sehun found that his heart had been stolen from Earth and carried to the heavens above. He was unwilling to admit that he liked Jongin--maybe even more than liked--because he was afraid of heartbreak, afraid of rejection, afraid of everything that had happened before when he was still in middle school, but he believes that it's different with Jongin.

 

Jongin makes him happy. Inexplicably so.

 

They still text each other daily, and it's almost as if they're relationship hasn't changed, except for the sudden intimate touches.

 

Their first date is at a movie theater, and they spend most of the time pelting each other with popcorn instead of watching the movie. Sehun admits that he prefers watching movies on his laptop at home so he could comment freely on the movie, and the two of them migrate to Sehun's house to watch another movie.

 

In the middle of Ocean's Thirteen, Jongin pulls out a Polaroid camera from his backpack and tugs Sehun towards him. He snaps a picture, and it comes out with Jongin grinning and Sehun looking at the lens with an unamused expression. Jongin keeps that one.

 

 He snaps another one, and this time, both of them are smiling--genuine happiness blossoming in their faces--and Jongin gives it to Sehun.

 

"To remember me by," Jongin whispers as he brushes his lips against Sehun's forehead.

 

Perhaps it is the fatigue that has finally preyed upon Sehun in the lateness of the night, but he doesn't register the meaning behind Jongin's words and nods sleepily.

 

They fall asleep together on Sehun's bed, and the next morning, Sehun makes the two of them eggs and pancakes. Sehun tapes the picture in his locker.

 

During those weeks, Sehun stops dreaming of bright car lights and constellations and instead, dreams of an infinite number of tomorrows.

 

 

 

Jongin leaves a month after.

 

It's unexpected--at least to Sehun--but when he looks back, he realizes that Jongin's been hinting at it all along.

 

During the past weeks, Jongin spends more and more time with Sehun. He's always at Sehun's first period before class starts with a drink in hand, and he's always waiting for Sehun after the last class. Sehun asks him about dance practice, but Jongin brushes the question off and simply states that there wasn't any heavy practice these days.

 

Sehun knows it's a lie, because the spring performances is in a few weeks, but he lets it slide past.

 

Then, Jongin stops coming to school.

 

Sehun thinks he's sick, and texts him in the morning, receiving only a reply to not worry somewhere in the afternoon. He worries, of course, but dutifully takes his mind off of it to focus in class.

 

It happens again the next day, and Sehun texts him again. He doesn't receive a reply and spends the entire day checking and re-checking his phone.

 

Finally, the third day Jongin isn't at school, Sehun calls Jongin in third period only to be answered by voice mail.

 

The same day, he finds out that Jongin has transferred.

 

He calls Jongin one more time and leaves a message asking a simple question of why, and doesn't receive an answer. Instead, Chanyeol hands him a letter, muttering about theatrics and stupid Romantics, before patting Sehun on the shoulder and calling Jongin a .

 

Sehun leaves the letter unread for a couple of weeks, before finally reading it the day after the spring performance.

 

It goes something like this:

 

Hi Sehun.

 

Sorry I didn't tell you I was going to move. I guess I just didn't want to make things final before they actually were, you know? Does that even make sense? No? Well, maybe I should start from the beginning. Or, not really the beginning. The middle. The middle is always nice and happy.

 

I was offered the chance to transfer after the end of first semester. My father was going to move to LA for work, and I had the choice to either stay in New York with my aunt, or go with them to LA. Honestly, I didn't make up my mind until a few weeks ago.

 

You must be thinking, wow, this guy is a douche! He dates me, and then he leaves me with any notice?

 

Sorry, again, and yes, indeed I am a douche. A douche with too many feelings to sort out and too little time to do so.

 

As you know (or maybe you don't know), Krystal was a very important person to me. She was a friend, a sister, and most of all, a first love. We were foolish back them, but genuine. When she died, I didn't just lose a girlfriend, I lost a friend and a family member. I had just barely begun getting over her death when I met you, and well, I didn't expect to like you, and I definitely didn't expect to fall in love with you.

 

I guess that was what scared me--the falling in love part. I wasn't sure if I truly loved you--you who were the complete opposite of Krystal in every way possible--or if it was just an aftereffect of finally letting go of Krystal's shadow. Through the few weeks we were dating, I don't think I was ever sure of my feelings.

 

And it wasn't just that--there was a lot more involved. The sudden romantic feelings for a boy, the unfamiliar world I was suddenly thrown into when everything else remained the same--every part of it was frightening. I suddenly felt like a little child again, like I didn't know anything and all of the world was an unknown abyss waiting for me to trip and fall in.

 

All I knew was that I wanted to be with you, to see you, and to hold you. Oh God, that was cheesy.

 

But, it was uncertainty that finalized my decision, and I told my parents I wanted to move to LA with them.

 

Again, I'm sorry, and I'm not going to ask you to wait for me. I suppose this is the end, but I hope that there's going to be a new beginning somewhere in the near future, where I'd be more sure of myself, where I can confidently tell you that I love you.

 

Love,

Jongin.

 

Sehun lies in bed for a very long time after he folds the letter into a small square and stuffs it into his drawer. He lies in bed and stares unblinkingly at the ceiling and recites all the constellations he can think of again and again under his breath.

 

Oddly, the only constellation he really cares about is made of a solitary supernova that had burst into flames and is raining dying embers on his world. The pain burned like ice rather than fire, and when Sehun closes his eyes, he sees lingering smiles and a silhouette outlined in burning plasma.

 

 

 

T-Minus 749 Seconds

 

 

Sehun delays the moment that he has to leave the school until the lights begin to shut off and the intercom announces that the faculty is going to begin locking the doors. Then, he wanders into the musky summer afternoon and away from the air-conditioned rooms that he's spent the last four years of his life in.

 

The sun isn't out--an uncharacteristic gloom hanging over the world--and the skies are blanketed with grey clouds instead. The heat doesn't let up, however, and Sehun peels off his jacket as he slowly strolls towards the bus stop.

 

The sidewalks are empty--students having fled the school and gone partying. Baekhyun and Chanyeol were going to eat dinner with their parents--it's the first time their families are going to meet-- so Sehun is alone and free to wander the city until any hour.

 

He's leaning to check if the bus is coming down the street and pondering if he should just go straight home or make a trip to downtown just for the hell of it, when he spots a figure making its way towards him.

 

The silhouette is familiar, and Sehun's heart skips a beat as a flash of recognition surges through him. He steps away from the side of the sidewalk and faces the figure, squinting to make out the features. When the person finally comes into clear view, Sehun feels as if he were falling through a tunnel, the ground beneath his disappearing. He staggers forward a step, eyes wide in disbelief, but doesn't move any closer.

 

"Jongin?"

 

There is an apparent loneliness in the steps Jongin takes towards him--hesitant and desperate--a dismal paradox existing only in the sick longing of the heart for another.

 

Sehun never believed in the phony nonsense of romance, never believed in the so-called “magic” of love, but he feels time slug around, dragging on as Jongin slowly makes his way over. Of course, it's Jongin who overturns his universe once again, dispelling all pretenses and crashlanding his way into Sehun's life.

Sehun’s eyes fixate upon the tree somewhere to Jongin’s right, looking everywhere but Jongin’s eyes, because his eyes were--are--something Sehun could never deny, something he could lose himself in for an eternity or maybe two. The way he walks is painfully familiar, and Sehun knows that he can still see Jongin’s lean figure with his eyes closed, because he has been doing just that for the past year.

The footsteps pause. Sehun swallows and raises his eyes to finally look at Jongin.

He is standing a stone’s throw away--far enough to flee if he wishes to, far enough to stay out of Sehun’s reach. His hands are shoved in his pockets in that psuedo-casual way that Sehun always liked to make fun of, and his head is cocked to the side. His eyes are questioning and dark, veiled under a mask that erased what familiarity there was between the two of them.

“Hey.”

 

A lump catches in Sehun’s throat at the sound of Jongin’s voice, a sound he had yearned to hear for so long, a sound he had dreamed of every night since the day Jongin left.

 

"Hey," Sehun says as well, after a while.

 

Jongin chuckles, not making any move to close the distance between them. "I'm back."

 

Sehun nods. He opens his mouth to say something, but closes it after thinking of nothing to say.

 

"That's great," he finally croaks. "Really."

 

"I got you a present," Jongin says quietly, taking a small step closer and holding out a messily wrapped gift.

 

Sehun takes it, carefully cradling it in his palms. It feels like a book.

 

"Thanks," he mutters as he fingers the tape. "Can I open it?"

 

Jongin nods, and Sehun slowly rips off the tissue paper.

 

It is a notebook--a light brown one with a hard cover and a spiral bound edge. It seems worn, like it had been used a lot.

 

"What is it?" Sehun asks dumbly, not sure if he should open the cover or not.

 

"A book."

 

Sehun blinks and slides his finger down the spine. "I can see that."

 

After a moment of silence--Jongin doesn't seem like he's going to offer any answer--Sehun flips open the front cover and is greeted with a single word and what looks like a definition scribbled in Jongin's handwriting at the center of the page.

 

Macrocosm
 

(n.) the whole of a complex structure, esp. the world or universe, contrasted with a small or representative part of it

He turns to the next page, and there's another word.

 

Microcosm

 

(n.) something (such as a place or an event) that is seen as a small version of something much larger

 

The next page--

 

Transcendental

 

(adj.) of or relating to a spiritual or nonphysical realm

 

The next page--

 

Love

 

(?.) macrocosmic microcosmic transcendental
universal ubiquitous omnipresent asive

 

Sehun looks up in Jongin with confusion and sees him sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck. There is a hint of a smile present on his face, and that suddenly eases all the tension Sehun feels in his stomach.

 

"I know you read that short story I wrote back in Freshmen year--the one about Krystal. Honestly, I didn't write much in Creative Writing--not pieces like that at least. I kind of treated it as a personal blogging class, and I mainly wrote humor pieces about my life," Jongin begins to explain.

 

Sehun's a bit confused as of where Jongin's coming from, but he nods and waits patiently for Jongin to go on.

 

Jongin shrugs. "I actually got a B in that class, but Mr. Wu liked my final piece--the Krystal one--so much that he went to the district to change both my semester grades to an A," he continues. "But anyways, that's beside the point. When I left--to sort of figure stuff out--I wanted to try my hand at writing again. I didn't take up another Creative Writing course, but I spent a lot of my time working on that."

 

Sehun looks down at the notebook and flips through all the pages.

 

"Did you write a novel?" He asks, astonished.

 

Jongin laughs, an uncertain little noise bubbling from the back of his throat, and he relaxes. "Nah, more like a novella. But I wrote it for you."

 

Something in Sehun mends itself, and the chains that were bound tight around his heart fall. It's amazing how such a simple sentence spoken from Jongin can right his world and throw it back into confusion. It's torture.

 

"It's actually just a short story," Jongin says quickly, catching the look on Sehun's face. "But you really just have to read the last page."

 

"Yeah?"

 

Sehun pauses in the middle of flipping to the back and looks up at Jongin--really look at Jongin. He's surprised, once again, by the boyish innocence etched on Jongin's face. There's something perfect about the way his windswept hair falls into his dark eyes, and the way he nervously bites down on his bottom lip, and the way his furrowed eyebrows do nothing to mask his eagerness and anxiousness.

 

"Will I like what I find?" Sehun asks quietly, sentence more loaded than he thought it would be.

 

"I hope so."

 

Jongin's answer is equally as heavily laden with implications, and Sehun doesn't find it comforting--not the least. Instead, his heart pounds as he slowly turns to the last page.

 

There's a sticky note on the back cover of the book, but Sehun's eyes fall on the words written on the paper instead.

 

The sun breaks out from behind the clouds--rays striking the Earth at every angle and lighting the world up with a soft, warm glow. Sehun is vaguely aware of the fact that Jongin has moved to his side, but he doesn't dare look up--not sure what expression will manifest itself on his face.

 

"You know, it would be much easier if you just read it aloud. Or do I have to do it for you?"

 

There's laughter in Jongin's words, and for the first time in a long time, Sehun feels the uneasiness dissipate entirely. The feeling he gets is almost nostalgic, and he closes his eyes for a moment, just letting himself indulge in the fact that Jongin is back.

 

And he isn't going to leave.

 

"I love you."

 

Somewhere in the universe, a nebula becomes a star, and a supernova burns into nonexistence.

 

But, Sehun doesn't fear the cosmos anymore--doesn't fear a star being borne or a star dying--because he knows, humans do not rely on the countless stars residing in the galaxy.

 

Humans rely only on the one star that illuminates the world with its brilliance.

 

 

 

To Sehun--

 

Fitzgerald once said that Hemingway needed a lover for every book he wrote. Since this is the only book I'm ever writing, the only one I'll ever need is you.