Chapter 3 : Toxic Love

Jong Suk grabbed the remote controller and leaned on the sofa. He felt the coldness of the left-alone leather pierce into his skin through his clothes. It felt much better than the aching aloofness that had frozen his heart four months ago. He constantly flitted across the dial—watching snippets of shows as he surfed through the channels; all commercials or some random music programs, nothing that he really wanted to watch. He sprang bolt upright, heart racing, and saw the image just passed by on the screen. Then he punched his finger on the back button. He was right, it was Kim Woo Bin; he was having a live interview in a morning entertainment program that Jong Suk didn’t bother reading the name of; instead he just stared at the familiar face that pinched at his heart. Now that he had blocked his number, he was not informed about his schedule like Woo Bin used to through text messages. What was he expecting; it was him who blocked Woo Bin in the first place. So why am I staring at his interview like some fan girl? He mentioned mentally, though it did no changed to his attention glued on the wide flat screen.

The interview seemed to have been going on for a while now. Jong Suk felt bit disappointed that he had only found this now. He thought Woo Bin looked handsome in that black skinny jeans and grey sweater and he felt a small stretch form on his lips at the thought. The middle aged woman next to him, one of the hosts for the program looked at him and smiled brightly. Her mascara thickened lashes shut together as her foundation dabbed cheeks globed into a smile.

“So Woo Bin-shi,” the woman in the screen was saying as she tucked a strand of her long brown hair behind her ear “When was your first love?”

Woo Bin laughed in his usual cheerful form “First love? No comment” he said “Everyone has different standards for ‘first love’ right? I don’t know” and laughed again. Jong Suk laughed along with him, feeling as if he was having a personal conversation with his best friend again, like they used to.

“What kind of man are you when you are in love? You seem to look like a bad guy” the thirty-something male host asked, peering at him from few seats down.

“Eh?” the lady next to Woo Bin laughed. “What are you saying? He looks nothing like a bad guy” she said giving her colleague a disapproving gaze.

“Of course you will not see it. Because you are a woman, you only see his good sides” he said again, with a chuckle now, “So that’s why I have to ask that” he winked into the camera and eyed back to Woo Bin for an answer.

“Well…” Woo Bin said, covering his mouth as he darted his eyes onto the floor for short few seconds. Is he embarrassed? Jong Suk asked in his mind as he watched Woo Bin’s familiar action. “That’s just how I look” he answered, lifting his eyes back onto the host, “I’m an affectionate and tender man” he laughed. “I have a lot of tears, and I put in a lot of effort to be the best for the person I love.”

The person he loves….the words repeated in Jong Suk’s head and he felt his smile disappear slowly as the reality hit him right in the guts. The woman asked something and everyone laughed at Woo Bin’s answer, though Jong Suk didn’t quite catch what they had said.

“If someone you love leaves without a reason, what will you do?” the woman was asking all sorts of questions that Jong Suk didn’t wish to know the answers to. But he didn’t have the energy to press the turn off switch on the remote controller that was barely hanging on his hand. He stared blankly instead, feeling clearly how the pain in his guts spread through his stomach and bite at his heart like a poisonous snake.

“I will look for that person no matter what. And listen to that person” Woo Bin answered. Just as those words sunk into his ears, Jong Suk couldn’t help but wonder, will he look for me too if I were to disappear? But he knew the answer too well that the thought only rushed that poisonous pain through the rest of his body.

“You seem to be a very serious person when it comes to Love” the male host said somewhat jokingly and laughed for no apparent reason.

“Then Woo Bin-shi….” The hostess in the beige dress was awakening her voice once again, “I am curious to know, where would you go on a date with the person you like?”

Jong Suk saw a very familiar smile take over Woo Bin’s handsome face as if he was reminiscing a happy memory. “I want to have a street date” he said, looking at the presenters. He turned back to the front, looked directly into the camera. Jong Suk could see a thin veil of wetness, hardly visible in those sharp eyes that stared directly at him from the screen. “Walking and holding hands in Myeong-dong” he said with a gentle smile that lurched Jong Suk’s heart into his throat. Jong Suk felt his eyes pulsate with a rising ache. If he moved, even if it’s just a blink, he felt like he was going to lose the battle he was fighting within himself to hold back the twitching wetness from breaking out of his eyes. The people in the screen started blurring out and he was pulled back to an early date in January 2013. 

It was a dull grey evening and the sun had long disappeared behind the clouded sky. The wide empty streets were covered in piles of white softness that had fallen in the early afternoon. Jong Suk pulled his muffler up and covered his mouth; the warmth of his breath drifted back against his face in a dampness. He liked the cold brisk air hitting on his face; because it made him feel that he was still alive after those long days of filming ‘School 2013’ nonstop. Today also they had finished filming bit late; it was half past eight in the evening and he was walking down a wide empty street in Myeong-dong with his best friend by his side. It was Woo Bin’s idea to come here right after they had finished filming. Jong Suk glanced at his companion walking next to him, jumping onto the piles of fresh snow as he left his foot prints as evidence of their walk. An eternal smile hung firmly on Woo Bin’s face as he kicked the tip of some piled up snow. He was clearly enjoying this meaningless walk in the middle of the night and to top that it was freaking cold.

Jong Suk focused his gaze back on the road; only the dim streetlights casted blurry shadows on their aimless path heading through the concrete city. Cherry trees swayed softly, and the biting cold air scraped his frosty nose; he sniffled and shuffled down the empty side street. Everything had become an eerily pitch-perfect silence buried under a shadowy street of bright white.

The solid crunch of Woo Bin’s winter boots against the packed road snow filled the night with a relaxing and familiar sound that marked tiny little progress towards leaving this frozen streets and cuddling up under warm blankets and falling deep asleep. He had been imaging his warm bed, those soft fluffy duvet that wraps his cold body into a bundle of warmth….warmth…he repeated in his head, hoping to feel it, but only an icy breeze embraced him. His body shuddered. He curled his head to his chest, cuddled his hands closer as he cursed Woo Bin in his mind.

“Why the hell did you want to come here in the middle of the night? It freezing for god’s sake” Jong Suk complained as he rubbed his bare hands together and blew his breath into them in an attempt to gain the lost feeling on his fingers.   

Woo Bin paused and looked at the shivering Jong Suk, his arms cuddled closer to his chest, only a sweater keeping the cold air away from his pale skin. “Where is your jacket?” Woo Bin asked.

“You are asking now?” His voice muffled against his scarf “You should have asked that before dragging me here without even giving me a chance to speak.” He pouted.

Woo Bin brushed away the crystals of snow that had started to accumulate on Jong Suk’s hair. Then he took off the woollen hat he was wearing and slipped it on, making sure to cover Jong Suk’s hair properly. He smiled and pulled off his left glove and reached to grab Jong Suk’s hand.

“What are you doing?”

Woo Bin didn’t bother answering; instead he gave a look that said ‘just-give-me-your-hand’. He took Jong Suk’s left hand and slid the long fingers into the glove he had taken off.   

“There” he said with a soft smile. Then he turned around; gently caught Jong Suk’s right hand and laced his fingers with Jong Suk’s as he slipped their hands into his pocket. “Now it’s warm right?” Woo Bin smiled brightly as he took a step forward. Jong Suk stood still, frozen by his actions. Woo Bin pulled him and started sauntering again, down the endless streets of Myeong-dong.

“Ya, what if someone sees us like this?” Jong-Suk had managed to say after they had turned into a new street.

“It’s dark…no one will recognise us” Woo Bin said, his thumb gently stoking the back of Jong Suk’s hand buried in his pocket. It snowed heavily that day and they continued walking for long hours before heading home.

Jong Suk felt a dampness slither down his face as he stared blankly at the screen. Woo Bin was smiling now and he heard the female hostess say something, but the word didn’t register in his mind.

“No…not yet” he heard Woo Bin say.

“In your trip to Bali last year, what is the thing you liked the most?” she was asking again. Jong Suk felt his heart lurch at the mention of Bali. He knew too well what Woo Bin’s answer would be, because Woo Bin was there with his girlfriend. The jabbing pain behind his eyes worsen by the second.

“The one that I remember the most is rafting on Ayung River. We’re following the river path for 2KM, it can’t be compared to the thrill I got from the rides in the amusement park. In Bali, staying in a pool villa, relaxing on the sea, are a completely new experience for me. I definitely will recommend for people to come to Bali.”

“To whom will you recommend for going on a trip to Bali?” It was the male host this time. Jong Suk didn’t see what kind of expression he had when he asked the question, because his eyes had long been frozen only on one tall figure; one that was too poisonous to him.

“To the newly-wed couples whose still worrying about where to go for their honeymoon!!! It’s also nice if you’re going with friends or family, but I think Bali is definitely the best place to go for newly-wed couples.” Woo Bin said as if he knew it from experience.

They all laughed and the woman awakened her voice again, “You were rumoured to go there with your girlfriend. Did you two enjoy your time there...or was it actually your honeymoon?” She chortled at her own execrable joke that was accompanied by her colleague’s hoarse crack up.

The trickles of tears squeezing from between closed eyelids became an unstoppable flow, the voices in the screen dissolved into air. He tried to dry his eyes on his shirtsleeve, but the tears kept surfing. Why am I so utterly powerless to stop these poisonous feelings? He felt the thought flash through his mind as he opened his eyes.

Next second Woo Bin disappeared behind a pitch back empty screen.

“What the hell is wrong with you!!” a girl’s voice screamed right beside him and something banged on the floor. The next thing he saw was the remote controller shattered into pieces against the wooden floor. He jerked his head back to catch a blurry form of a petite girl glaring at him, her breath in an unsteady rage and her small hands in white knuckled fists. She gradually let her fist deform as her tears started to trail along her cheeks.

“Why….”her voice trembled, “Why….Hyung….why do you have to be so stubborn?”

“Mina-ya….” He wiped his eyes clean and pulled on his sister’s arm. She slumped on the sofa.  

The doorbell rang, startling both Jong Suk and his little sister. Before they could even get up from the sofa, whoever was at the door stated thumping so hard that Jong Suk thought it would break open.

Mina got up and hurried to the door. She wiped her eyes clean before opening the door.

“Ya, what is wrong with your face?” the familiar voice was loud enough for Jong Suk to hear and he didn’t need a second thought to figure out who that belonged to. He rubbed his whole face on his t-shirt that it became slightly red from the rough treatment.  

“Did you guys fight again?” She asked when Mina didn’t answer her. She shook her head in disbelief as she slipped out of her heels and stepped toward the living room.

“Ya, Jong-Sukie….” She paused at the sight of his red face. Then turned back to Mina; she was still keeping her silence. She threw her handbag on the table and slumped on the seat in front of Jong Suk “That’s it!” she barked. “One of you—no both of you, tell me what is going on here” she demanded as her legs crossed in an imperious manner.

Lee Mina sat down next to her brother. And she let out the heavy air she had been holding on for a long while now. “Unni…” she said when her brother didn’t seem to be planning on opening his mouth anytime soon, “He still can’t let go of him”

Hyoyeon uncrossed her legs and leaned forward. “Did something happen?” she asked as she closely observed a silent Jong Suk.

“He was watching an interview and they were talking about his girlfriend and his honeymoon and stuff. And he started crying” she said pointing her finger at Jong Suk.

“Jong Sukie…” she uttered gently, worried that even the tone of her usually high-pitched voice might have the ability to shatter this boy into tiny pieces, like a broken glass. Then she moved from her seat and placed her weight beside Jong Suk and pulled him into a hug. “I thought you already let him go….when you blocked him away” she said, gently his head.

“I wanted to…” the words trembled against her neck, “But I can’t…Hyo-ah…I want to let him go, I also want to forget him…” Hyoyeon felt a droplet drip on her shoulder as his voice shivered, “I also—want to…start a new life” he heaved a sob “without him. I also want to start anew” she felt her shoulder becoming completely damp with her best friend’s tears, but she let him carry on. “But….Hyo-ah…I don’t know where to start…or how to”

She released her grip around his back and leaned away to look into his eyes. She wiped away the tears. “I’ll help you” she said smiling prettily. Mina moved closer and threw her whole weight on top of the hugging friends as she joined in to warm her beautiful brother’s freezing heart.

Note: I'll update the next chapter very soon :) Hope you enjoyed this one. If you have any suggestion or improvements for this story please leave a comment :)