And I love you, but that's not enough. Time and time again, I crave for more.

31st March 2013 - Every interval is 5 minutes. Just enough time for me to make an entry in this old diary. After that, I'll just pick up another glass, maybe a bottle instead, and the numbness will kick in. Intoxication. When I'm drunk, everything feels good- but even as I gradually forget how it's like to be sober, your faint silhouette is as clear as day in my mind. Maybe when my vision is clear of tears, it'll be alright again.  

I believed I’d be alright without you by my side

Because that's how I was like before I met you

But why am I no longer able to feel the same when foreign hands lay on me

Why does my body only crave for you?

Oh my love

Would you return to someone who gave you pain?

The lingering of hands that roam his body, the foreign tastes on his tongue- is what Jang Dongwoo is used to. A different stranger each night, different locations, different wants, Dongwoo can't even remember when it all started- when his addiction for affection started. The temporary comfort and desire those men had for him was what kept Dongwoo going back to the same club every night. A glass in hand, eyes lightly rimmed with eyeliner and a provocative outfit. That was all it took. For those men to come flocking at him, their need for pleasure- for someone who would give them a good time.

It doesn't matter who it is, isn't it? As long as they give me what I want."

1st April 2009 - It's funny seeing the people that were meant to be your role models, the people who were supposed to teach you what was right and wrong, the people whom were supposed to be the perfect image of how love between two people was supposed to look like turn out to be a big fat lie. I must be having the most unique April Fool's Day in the world- for once, I see the truth.

Dongwoo was like an awkward duckling when he walked into the "club", his friends occasionally asking him to loosen up and that promising him that he was going to get the best 18th birthday celebration ever. Loud music and shady places never suited Dongwoo and what kind of club was this anyway- there were women of all ages dressed in skimpy outfits, clinging onto men of all ages- there weren't many people that seemed to be the same age as Dongwoo and his friends. "Guys, are you sure we are even allowed here?" His friends laughed at him and just waved his comment of with a 'We're legal, who cares?'. Glancing around hesitantly, Dongwoo followed his friends to a L shaped sofa at the corner of the club. “Hey Dongwoo, what do you say? Should we get some chicks tonight? You’ve been so tense lately, they’ll help you!” One of his friends made this suggestion and despite Dongwoo saying there was no need, his other friends called some girls over. Dongwoo politely rejected the girl and chose to sat alone, a cup of untouched alcohol in his hand. His senior seemed to have spot a funny sight for he was half drunk as he spouted, “Wow, didn’t know there were older aged chicks here too. That one over there looks of some age already but she’s still hot though.” The girl on his lap giggled and feeling curious, Dongwoo turned towards the direction his senior pointed to. With a glance at her face, Dongwoo did not need to look further before standing up abruptly, grabbing his coat and leaving the bar. He catches the flash of shock on the woman’s face, but he just quickens his footsteps- he needed to be away from that place. He hastily drapes his hood over his head, plugs in his earphones and walks on, straight- with no definite destination.

He had his suspicion for months- his mum was coming home late every single day, with excuses of overtime and whatnot, but a week ago, Dongwoo found out she had lost her job long ago from her friend and just when he was thinking about how to confront his mum about it, he had to see her drape herself over sleazy guys in a bar. Is this why she fought with his father every other day? One an alcoholic, one a hostess- what happened to role models? What happened to the people he looked up to- wanted to become in the future? They never had financial issues- but since a year ago, Dongwoo was forced to take up part time jobs along studying just so he had money for meals each day. He reached into his pocket and laughed at the measly amount of coins in his hand. He set a budget for himself daily, making sure he would be able to save up enough money to enter university but it meant he would starve occasionally.

This was Dongwoo’s secret getaway location, the abandoned highway that directly faces the sea. Hardly anyone besides the elderly that live near the sea visit this place and they mostly only went out in the early mornings for the good catch. Dongwoo craved affection- maybe just a friend, something he could actually interact with, and take his mind of all the things that bothered him. But apparently the world did not like weird things, and Dongwoo was not an exception. Despite being the laughing sunshine in class, or at least he used to be- people were attracted to his laughter and bubbly personality, but those friendships never lasted long. They merely flocked to Dongwoo to feel good, or to get a laugh, but after that, there’s nothing more. With the situation Dongwoo’s family is currently in, he stopped speaking up in class let alone laughing and he’s never felt more alone.

Jang Dongwoo had big dreams.

Jang Dongwoo dreamt about being a painter, sitting in front of blank canvases, paint brush in hand, color palette in the other- painting as if there was no tomorrow. Jang Dongwoo dreamt about the colors that would blend on the white background, completing each other perfectly, creating art. Jang Dongwoo dreamt about meeting someone who was passionate about art as he was, someone who would be his human canvas, someone who would let him trace his body with the soft bristles of the paint brush- while they kiss messily on top of the white covers, paint beautifully staining the sheets.

Jang Dongwoo dreamt-

Jang Dongwoo forgot how to dream.

He couldn’t afford to dream- what are dreams when your life is falling apart in front of your eyes?

The harsh wind takes Dongwoo by surprise and he flinches as the cold wind comes into contact with the stray tears on his cheeks. Dongwoo wraps his arms around himself, trying to search for warmth when a tumbling weight crashes onto him. It is the form of another person- a boy around his age; thick black frames covering his face as he finds comfort in Dongwoo’s now outstretched arms. He hears a soft murmuring of “Please, it’s cold” come from the boy in his arms, which tugs at his heart, and before he realizes what he’s doing, he wraps his arms tightly around the boy and both of them slowly fall into slumber.

The next morning, Howon believes he is still dreaming when he sees a man with pink colored hair and thick lips smiling down at him, ruffling his hair before leaving. When Howon finally awakes, the warmth by his side is no more, and he is merely left with unanswered questions about the man and his coat which kept him warm. Howon smiles at the coat in his hands before bundling it up in his hands and walking home.

2

The next time Howon meets that smiling angel, its 3 years later.

20^th September 2012 - I know I only have myself to blame for choosing this path, but sometimes it still hurts- knowing that there is no one willing to save me, to take me away from all this pain. I guess I’m used to the club now though, I’m the most popular, and men fight for me. What more could I ask for? I’m the center of attention, and they give me the temporary affection and numbness I need to live.

Dongwoo is slumped over the counter, a glass of martini in hand. He was in a foul mood; he had managed to hook up with a big client today, only to be slapped in the face by the client’s wife who stalked him to the club. Dongwoo was unable to retaliate, being a mere e- which was what the wife called him before dragging her husband home. Now all Dongwoo wanted to do was drown himself in alcohol to forget the humiliation and the slap in the face from reality, reminding him of his lowly status in the society. Dongwoo is about to call the bartender for another drink when someone wraps their arms around his waist. Dongwoo can feel the smoke and alcohol from the man’s breath, and pushes him away softly. “Mr Lee, I have no mood tonight.” Dongwoo notices the man as one of his frequent clients and politely rejects him. Mr Lee seems to be intoxicated already though, and only tries harder to get Dongwoo in his arms. The annoyance is fully displayed on Dongwoo’s face, but he can’t do much- it’ll be a crime to offend one of his clients. Mr Lee is much stronger than Dongwoo and not before long; Dongwoo is pushed against the counter, despite trying to break free of the hold. Before the man can lean in for a kiss, he is pulled away from Dongwoo and pushed onto one of the sofas. Thankfully Mr Lee had way too much to drink and as soon as his body hits the sofa, he is knocked out cold. Dongwoo looks up to see a young innocent looking man smiling down at him, before the man moves to Dongwoo’s side and takes a seat in front of the counter. Dongwoo notices to too familiar coat on the man’s shoulders and when he sees the small hole near the collar, he confirms that the coat once belonged to him. “I couldn’t thank you for your warmth and the coat that night- who knew we would meet again?” The boy smiles, canines showing and Dongwoo is brought back to three years before. The boy in front of him has changed significantly- he was no longer wearing those thick-rimmed glasses and his hair was dyed a nice dark brown. The boy seems to want to start a conversation with Dongwoo, but the latter quickly speaks up first. “I’m not he same person you met three years ago, and this is no place for someone like you. You look like a decent person with a decent job, you don’t need to come to clubs like this.” The man merely laughed before pushing Dongwoo’s fringe to a side. It was a small insignificant touch, and yet it sent shivers down Dongwoo’s spine. The man’s fingers traced Dongwoo’s eyes, down his nose bridge, finally landing on his lips. “I couldn’t forget your face for three years, do you think I will let you go easily now I have found you? My dear angel, you’re mine from now onwards.” The man does not give Dongwoo any chance to say a word before making a gesture to the bartender and taking Dongwoo’s hand in his, leading him to his car which was parked outside.

Howon loved Dongwoo.

He didn’t know Dongwoo’s past, how he was like when he was Jang Dongwoo, or what changed him and made him the person he was today, but he was ready to accept the truth whenever Dongwoo was ready to tell him, and he wanted to be Dongwoo’s present- and future.

Howon loved mornings.

Ever since Dongwoo moved into his apartment, Howon anticipated mornings. Howon was an early riser, and Dongwoo was the total opposite- it takes Howon ages to wake Dongwoo up every morning for his job at the café nearby- (the boss was Woohyun, Howon’s best friend, so it didn’t really matter when Dongwoo overslept practically every single day). Sometimes though, Howon would selfishly turn off the alarm, just so that he would be able to stare at Dongwoo’s sleeping face for a little while more. Dongwoo looked like an angel when he was awake, but was a total baby when he was sleeping. His hair would be all over the place and he would pout his lips cutely as he clung onto the blanket. The moment when Dongwoo would finally awaken is something that Howon wants to see everyday without fail. Dongwoo would scrunch his nose cutely and rub his eyes with one hand while the other scrambles to find Howon. Before pulling himself off the bed into the shower, Dongwoo would slightly snuggle into Howon’s thigh and give him a peck on the cheek.

Dongwoo loved Howon.

He loved how Howon would smile even if he did something wrong, and how Howon would always be by his side, a safety pillar that Dongwoo could always count on. Dongwoo loved how Howon cooked breakfast for him every morning, and if he had the time, he would pack a lunchbox for Dongwoo to take to work and get teased by Woohyun. Dongwoo loved how Howon would always shower him with affection and make him feel loved.But Dongwoo was not used to this. He was scared- afraid that Howon would leave him, afraid he was relying too much on Howon- and so he left. He went back to the life he was so familiar with, intoxication, and forgotten names. He left an apology note on the kitchen counter before taking all of his belongings with him and walking out of Lee Howon’s life.

Howon eventually found Dongwoo, it wasn’t hard- but the angel that was once his was gone, and Howon was unable to change that fact. For Jang Dongwoo is a man that lost the will to love, and Lee Howon is a man with nothing to give but his heart.

李浩沅爱上张东雨的那一刻就已经接受了他的过去

因为他想成为张东雨的现在和未来

他爱上的张东雨就像天使一样美丽

张东雨的一个笑容就足以给他满足感

张东雨需要的 - 李浩沅都会给他

天使般的他究竟会不会为了另一个人改变

早已忘记温柔的味道

早已忘记怎么爱的张东雨

他并不了解李浩沅那么好的人为什么会选择他

他只想逃避一切

但是深夜哭泣的时候那双温暖的胳膊

那种感觉

张东雨永远也不想忘记

原来被另一个人疼爱的感觉

就是幸福

I feel something so right

Doing the wrong thing

I feel something so wrong

Doing the right thing

-

Lately

I’ve been I’ve been losing sleep

Dreaming about the things that

We could be