If I become a memory
If I become a memoryIf only you could see the tears in the world you left behind.
If only you could heal my heart just one more time.
Even when I close my eyes, there's an image of your face,
And once again I come to realise you're a loss I can't replace.
-Soledad, Westlife
They say that time will heal all wounds. They say that pain will dissipate over time. I never trusted time. I hate it. Time took you away from me. Time erased all our memories. Time destroys. It does not heal. I abhor the concept of time. Similarly, time does not like me either.
"What are you thinking about, Yunho? You're so engrossed in your thoughts." Junsu questioned me, a look of concern washing briefly across his face.
I looked to him and I smiled. He is still worried, that I can tell, but the brief cheerful facade would hold for now. He did not press further; my silence spoke volumes. It has been 28 days exactly since you have left for a better place and he knows that I am still not over it. How can I even think about moving on? It seems like a crime to me. A sin.
After all, if I don't remember us, then who will?
Junsu turned away; the tears glistening in his eyes. He does not want to say anything. He knows it will just make things worse. They had been talking to me about moving on for weeks now and I have been ignoring them thus far. They don't understand. I don't want to forget. I want to remember.
I want to visualize your smile everyday. I want to remember the scent of your favorite cologne. I want to commit all the little things to my memory, our kisses; the way your lips move against mine, your kindness, your body, your tattoos, your face...
Everything of yours is mine and everything of mine is yours as well. No one shall tell me otherwise. I loved you and you loved me. It doesn't matter if you are gone. Love won't be stopped because of Death, nor will it be stopped because of Time. You are mine for all eternity.
"Leave him be."
I heard Yoochun muttering to Junsu as he dragged him away from me. I don't care. It's better for Junsu that way either. He probably can't take the sight of his best friend being like this. To them, I'm being in denial. To me, I'm being in remembrance. I'm living. Even if I am stuck in the memories of the past, I am still breathing and life is within me. A life in the past does not erase its value as a life.
I walked away, leaving Junsu and Yoochun to their squabbling. They are quarreling about me again. Yoochun thinks I should be left alone to recuperate. Junsu thinks I should get out of the house. Their shouts are getting louder and louder and to be honest, they are just irritating me and disrupting my silence. They don't understand that I am fine being what I am right now. Yes, I am living in seclusion, but if I am happy, who's to stop me?
I stepped into the bedroom, leaving the two lovers to themselves in the living room. The bed is still neatly folded. Your clothes are still draped across the white bed sheets. It is as though you never left. It is as though you are still with me. Somehow, the sight of this brings me great joy and once again I found myself smiling. Even if the world says you're gone, you're still here. I feel you here...
So deep was my thoughts that I almost missed the slight crumple at the end of the corner of my bed sheet. Looking at the contours of the sheet, it is easy to tell who was sitting on it before. It might have been a long time since I last saw him but I would recognize his body figure anywhere.
Of all the members, he has not spoken to me once since Jaejoong's death. His death had hurt us all but perhaps the most affected of us is not me but him, our beloved maknae Shim Changmin. Still, I do not wish to speak to him. I am hundred percent confident it is going to be yet another lecture on about moving on and forgetting about Jaejoong again. I had enough of those talks from Yoochun and Junsu. Another word about that and my infamous Gwangju temper might make an appearance soon.
I did not have a choice though. Changmin entered the room minutes after I stepped into it. I heard his footsteps stilled behind me before he cleared his throat. He was prepared to speak and I was not prepared to listen. Folding my arms, I stared at him dispassionately, daring him to say just another word, and like the brave and daring maknae he is, he did.
"I'm gonna spare you the lecture about moving on, hyung, I'm having trouble with it myself. It'll be hypocritical of me if I said that to you now."
My eyebrows were raised as my hands gestured for him to continue, my curiosity piqued. Changmin was, as usual, different. I did not know why I was even anticipating myself to be greeted by the same lecture as Junsu and Yoochun did. Changmin always was special and unpredictable. Perhaps that was what Jaejoong loved the most out of him.
"I just have one thing to say to you hyung," Changmin continued, his eyes serious and hard, "have you ever imagined how Jaejoong would feel if he were to see you now?"
What?
My mouth was hanging wide open as Changmin smiled bitterly at me before walking away, leaving me to my thoughts. The question was so random and erratic I did not know what to think of it. Why would Changmin ask that of me? Jaejoong would be happy that I am remembering him. He would be elated that I was not forgetting him. After all, that has been his greatest fear since he was orphaned as a child. He was afraid of being forgotten. That was the essence of Wasurenaide, right? It's obvious that Jaejoong will be glad. What was the point of the question anyway?
Irritated by Changmin's weird question, I walked to the desk chair and sat on it, wanting to let myself rest for a while longer before I deal with the squabbling lovers outside. I can't believe they are still quarreling about me. Why can't they just leave me be? I am happy. What is the problem here exactly? I don't understand them. Sighing, I lay my head on the table, my eye lids drooping as consciousness fled me...
"So, Changmin, did you pass it to him? How is his reaction? Is he doing fine? What did he say to you and what did you say to him?"
Junsu's voice echoed faintly near my ears. My eyes were closed and I saw nothing. Was I dreaming, or was this in fact reality? Were they discussing about me while I was asleep? Sleep still seemed to be fogging my mind as I tried to crawl back to consciousness, dismissing the whirl of colors I was currently seeing.
"Nothing. I wanted to give that to him but in the end, I can't." Changmin's voice replied Junsu's frantic ones, "I can't be the one to do that to him, Junsu hyung."
A sigh was heard following that statement and silence filled the air, no one wanting to say anything. I was sure by now. I was not dreaming. They were really talking about me. Changmin was supposed to give something; something that will hurt me apparently.
Wrenching my eyes open, the ceiling of my living room invaded my vision as I blinked slowly, the bright light traumatizing to my previously shut eyes. The talk about me had ceased altogether now that they realized I was awake. Pushing myself off the sofa they had placed me on, I smiled, the curve of lips barely reaching my cheeks.
"Give me what?" the smile still present on my face, "What exactly is it that you're afraid of giving me?"
Junsu looked to the ground, Changmin bit his lips in anxiety while Yoochun stared blankly ahead. None of them generated a response to my question or even attempted to. Glaring at all of them, I repeated my question once again.
Silence.
I was just about to flare up at them when Changmin skidded an envelope across the table, gesturing for me to read it. The tears were barely contained in his eyes as he glanced at the letter; his sadness giving everything away.
"Jaejoong wrote this?" I asked.
Changmin nodded his head.
Wasting no time, I tore the envelope open, staring at the letter hidden within as my eyes scourged through every brush and of his neat handwriting, committing every single one of it to memory:
Dear Yunho,
My beloved, do you know how much I love you? I really really love you, you know? Of course you know right? You're U Know Yunho after all. You're my lovely and y boo~ :)
But you know something, boo? I'm getting tired, love. It's so difficult to even try to stay awake now. But I'm not giving up, Yunho. I'll stay with you for as long as I can. I love you too much to let you go after all.
I don't want to forget you, that's why I wrote you this song.
Please listen to it, my lovely Yunho.
It's all about you.
With all my love,
Jaejoong
I glanced towards Changmin but my maknae simply gestured to the CD on the table before he dragged Junsu and Yoochun away. They must have heard the song before this. With trembling hands, I inserted the CD into the CD player, my heart pounding loudly with each breath I took as the weak and trembling voice of my beloved filled the air and dissipated the silence.
I'm tired, but as usual, I'm struggling to stay awake, and as usual, I'm thinking of you again.
I'm afraid of letting myself sleep. I'm afraid my heartbeat might stop in my dreams.
Listening to my own haggard breaths, they remind me of the crashing tides I've heard; the beauty of it all making me uneasy.
What is there left to cherish if I can't even control my pulse?
If I become a memory and leave this life behind,
I'll leave you shocked and weeping. My cold body can't embrace you anymore.
Just the thought of you being alone in the crowd makes me hate myself for being so cruel.
If I become a memory, if lady luck finally stops shining on me,
I'll lose the chance to grow old with you, to hold your hands tenderly, to see the sunset together...
Time flies, soon, there'll come a day you'll recover from this
And if someone can be there for you, let him. I won't blame you.
Happiness; when will it all end? When will it be my last moment?
I want to embrace you tightly for you're the most precious in my life.
I can't bear to let you go.
If I become a memory, I'm afraid I'll let myself down.
I'm afraid I'll persist in the air, occupy your heart for every moment of your life,
dragging you down, letting you bear the pain of my loss...
No. This isn't fair, so please.
Please try your best to forget me.
The tears have covered my vision by then but for once, I'm not ashamed of them. For Jaejoong to write this song, it must have pained him so much and broke his heart a million times. Why did he do that though? He knew I would be perfectly happy remembering him, living in the past...
Why did he have to prove me wrong? Why did he have to be so generous? I was happy living in denial. I was happy being who I was. Why did he have to come in and turn my world upside down? Why he have to be so right about everything all the time? Why did he have to know me so well?
Why did he know that all I needed was his permission to move on?
I slammed on the table with my hands, breaking the skin of my knuckles in the process. I was tempted to scream but I did not think the screaming would help with anything either. My mind was in a mess and so was my person. Jaejoong had once again managed to tilt my world upside down and change my perspectives from inside out.
"Have you ever imagined how Jaejoong would feel if he were to see you now?"
Changmin's question repeated in my mind once more as the song started replaying, Jaejoong's melancholic voice filling the air as the tears continued flowing down my face. I was so sure of my answer back then but now, I came to realise I knew nothing anymore.
I thought that Jaejoong wanted to be remembered. I thought that that was his deepest fear but the truth is, it is not. He rather be forgotten than risk trapping me in the past. He loved me so much he wanted me to forget him just so that I could move on.
And I was doing the exact opposite of that.
Standing up, I turned the CD player off, stopping Jaejoong's voice midway as I took the CD out and placed it in the envelope on the table along with the written letter. If that was what he wanted, I would grant him that wish.
"But Jaejoong, note that you're my one and only and that nothing, absolutely nothing will ever change that fact of my life. I love you."
I uttered softly before leaving the house, closing the door softly behind me. What Jaejoong wishes for, he will always get, but this time around, I'll choose to ignore a part of his wish for me.
After all, no one will ever make me as happy than as when I'm with him.
"Time will never change the things you told me.
After all, we're meant to be.
Love will bring us back to you and me
If only you could see..."
The End.
Author's Note: This fic is a combination of two songs, Soledad by Westlife and If I become a memory by TANK, a Taiwanese singer. Basically the song that Jaejoong "wrote" is an actual song by TANK. It's in Chinese though and everything I've typed here is self-translated so yups, please forgive any inaccuracy haha. Still, I hope you enjoyed it. :) (Now I've gotta study for my test tomorrow so ciaos!)
P.S. littlehelios96, here is a Soledad fic that you requested for. :)
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