I am sitting on the hospital lobby,arms wrap tightly around my trembling knees  and staring blankly at the door infront of me. I can barely hear the voices of people screaming and crying inside the room. The world seems to be in slow motion. I can even hear my heart beating in lengthy pauses. The unbearable pain breaking me into pieces from inside out. My eyes desperate to pour out liters of tears but it's even impossible to move a single eye lash. I want to break away and scream so loud to let go of the pain  ripping my chest and beyond. But the more I attempt to stretch a muscle,the torment gets terrifying. Someone came in rushing inside the room infront of me,leaving it wide open. And there,I see a body lying on bed, covered in white sheet. Dead body of the boy who loved me so much. . . but I only took for granted.

    When he passed away,my soul left with him. Searching and wandering in nowhere. Never found its way back. This world didn't allow us to be together but in hereafter,where life is endless,I'll never leave your side. I promise.

***Earlier days***

Sehuna was standing infront of bus station glancing at her watch impatiently.

    " Kim Jongin! You're so dead this time!" she grabbed her bag and hopped in the bus. As the bus started to move slowly,there was a loud pounding on the glass door. A boy was running along with the bus but the driver ignored him and didn't stop.

" Sehuna!!!stop the bus Ahjusssssssi!"

Sehuna saw Jongin trying his might to catch up with the bus. She moved on the opposite side  away from his sight. Jongin almost tumbled down the road and desperately watched the bus as it disappear from his sight.

"Aissh! I'm just five minutes late! " 

He's gasping for air and slammed his backpack on the ground.

"OHHH!"  he quickly pick up his bag after remembering what's inside it. He smiled when the cup of bubble tea was still intact.

"I should have bought this after we met ..Now Im dead again! Yah! I thought you'd be happy if I came with your favorite bubble tea!" 

He leaped like a frog off the road when couple of car honked nonstop at him. 

" Is this what I get in return from being too romantic? why am I so unlucky?" he exclaimed consoling himself.

Sehuna was lying on her bed,reading a book. Her Chinese roommate Zoe-Tao peeked outside the window.

" Yah! he's been standing there for three hours. Atleast tell him you don't wanna talk to him so he could go home."

" let him freeze in death" she replied unsympathetically and put her headset on.

"Aigoo! Aigoo! evil girl! I wonder why is he still sticking on you! Heartless witch!"

When Zoe-tao stormed out the room,she slowly got up and hid behind the curtain. She saw Jongin sitting on a bench infront of the dormitory's gate,rubbing his hands together and  pressing it on his cheeks to warm himself.

" fool.." she whispered.

Jongin felt his phone vibrate inside his pocket. Eyes sparkling as Sehuna's name flash on the screen. He opened the message eagerly.

 >>Sehuna<< Yah! go home! I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Jongin smiled up to his ears and glanced at the window in Sehuna's  room. Surprised, Sehuna quickly hid behind the curtains.

" Oh Sehuna! SARANGHEEE! Im going home now Wifey."  he shouted while jumping in joy.

"AHHHHHH!GOD WHY HIMMMM!!!!!!!!"  Sehuna jump on her bed burying her head under a pillow.

*~*~*~*

    Sehuna arrived at the training room in SM building and the first person that caught her eyes was Jongin. She bend down to hide herself among the other trainees scattered on the floor.

"Sehuna!"
 

Jongin quickly throw off Suchen's arm strangling his neck and waving his hand on the air. He gave her his sweetest-ugliest smile she hated the most in the world.

Sehuna cursed under her breath but the dark clouds surrounding her fades when she saw Luchan smiling at her. Jongin  ran towards her making her blood rise on its boiling point.

"You promised to talk to me today" he said so sweetly she wanted to break every bones in his body. 

She took a very deep breath, "Dont wait for me anymore,I'll walk home by myself starting today, so dont.wait.for.me.anymore." she uttered stressing out the last five words.

"Ok Ok, I can see you're still mad. I'm not gonna pester you until you find it in  your heart to  forgive me."

Jongin pinched Sehuna's cheek and went back to his friends. She took a glance of Luchan again before disappearing to the locker room.

When she opened her locker,there was a  cup of bubble tea inside with a sticky note saying "IM SORRY". Jongin's name written at the bottom with a scribbled smiling face  as ugly as him,she thought. 

***End

    I heard a soft knock on my door and came Zoe-tao's  voice calling my name for the millionth time. But I remain motionless lying on my bed,staring at nothing.

" Sehuna..Today's the last day..Aren't you coming?"

I covered my ears as the tiny muffled sobs escape my pursed lips.

" Sehuna,please. You need to accept it. He's gone..He's not coming back anymore..And today is his burial. Jongin is gone."

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" 

I buried my head under the pillow and kept on shouting 'No' in hysteria over and over again..

A week passed,I still confined and isolated myself inside my room,away from the outside world. Zoe-tao got surprised when I appear infront of her all dressed up one morning. Honestly,I myself is not sure what have gotten to me. Why I suddenly decides to show myself to this pathetic world.

" Sehuna- - Where are- - -you going?"

I'm so restless I don't even have the strength to give her a single word for an answer. I just look at her while putting my shoes on and hang my Training ID around my neck. Maybe she will get the idea where I'm headed to. 

Zoe-tao blocks my way before I could reach for the door knob.

"Stop making it hard for yourself Sehuna." 

 Tears dripping on her face. I just stare at her removing her hands on my shoulders. I open the door and run as fast as I could.

I take several deep breath while walking towards the SM building. I pass by on the dancing room where I often see Jongin and his friends ,it's empty. I walk towards the locker room . I freeze infront of Jongin's locker filled with flowers,cards and letters. I grab one of the cards with his picture posted inside. He's smiling brightly like he always does.

I swipe my thumb on his face  tenderly like I'm  touching it for real and smile back at him. At the bottom of his photo are the words that made me break down in tears.

'To our dear Jonginie, You'll be remembered forever'. 

" How can you do this! he's not dead!"

I scream and scream while pulling out the materials posted on his locker.
The time drag extremely slow. I practiced dancing over and over punishing myself until my body give up and drops on the floor like a broken vase. 

I can't help not to let out a strangled scream as my ankle twists. I laid flat on my back at the cold floor for long time. When I got tired of lying on the cold floor for only God knows how long, I decide to walk out of the building,limping and dragging  my injured bare foot, not minding the people passing by giving me pitiful looks. I sit on the bench at the bus station and glance at my wrist watch,6pm. Then, 7pm. 8pm. 9pm.10pm.

"So....this is how it feels.." I raise my head up at the dark sky.

"For long years- - -you kept on waiting for me. Even if I tell you I won't come,you still wait for me. Fool,you're a fool. You're a fool for loving a bad person like me.  And- - -"

Tears stream down my cheeks, "and- - -  I'm a fool to start loving you now that you're gone forever!"

I cannot bear the pain anymore. I tumble down the ground and my vision black out.
The next thing I knew,I was lying flat on the ground.The dark sky looking down on me.  It's eerie though, the street is empty. No cars,no people,nothing else but me.

"Come back please," couple drop of tear fall to my already drenched face. My eyes are too heavy from swelling it shut automatically.

I feel something poking my shoulder gently. When I open my eyes again,an old lady is standing infront of me holding a stick.

"Agassi..are you dead?" the old lady with ragged clothes bend down to check on me.

"Yes..I want to."

 I whisper. Finally someone asked me about one thing I wanted the most at this time. I stayed lying on the ground, " I- - -wanna die.."

"Youth this day are so careless about  life.." the old lady blurts followed by clicking of her tongue.

"I deeply hurted him and caused his death. I saw him die infront of me. I killed him. But I didnt mean it I swear- - - -It should've been me disappearing in this cruel world not him..I'm a devil who ruined a wonderful person like him..It's hard to live without him. I want him back." 

I cried my eyes out. I yearn to voice out those words since his death.  All those people around me kept on saying that everything's gonna be alright. That it was his time to go.They didn't allow me to express my guilt,how terrible I felt for losing him. 

I caused his death,that's the truth. 

    
The old lady sits on the bench,looking down on me still miserably lying on the ground.

"Since you wanted to die,can I have that jacket you're wearing? you won't be needing it anyways after you die,eh?"

" If I give it to you grandma,will you bring him back to me?"

"Psshh..truly,youths today are the worst,being careless of their lives and asking something in return for every favor.."  She snorts her nose in the air.

I struggle to pull up my upper body and take off  the jacket.

" take it grandma.."

I handed the jacket to the old lady who gaze at me in amusement rather than pity.

"Would you risk your own life to have him back?" she says without looking at me and is busy scanning the jacket.

I look at the old lady dumbfounded.

"I'll tell you a secret to revive someone from death but- - -in the expense of your own life.."  

The old lady look straight into my eyes. And I can swear the moment our eyes locked, everything that happened in my life from the day I was born up to now unfolds before my eyes. Like a movie that tracked and recorded my whole existence,one by one appearing in my vision in a split of second.

Mesmerized, I flip the pages of the book she handed me before she mysteriously pops out in the thin air leaving a puff of white smoke. I force my mind to remember every single word she discussed.

"When a person dies,the soul stays on earth for 40 days,which means,that wandering soul has the slightest chance in returning back to life. 
The flowers of life and death is believed to be the key in opening the portal of the living and the dead. 

On the last night before the dead one's soul finally enters the portal of the deads,the mixture of flowers with the image of the dead and the living soul must be ingested inside the body of the living soul.

The living body must die to make the spirit be detached and allows the dead's soul to enter and be brought in life again. Remember that every second counts. The chance is very thin,almost impossible. 
If you fail,your spirit will join the wandering souls of the deads. Now,young lady,are you willing to trade your life to bring back your dead love one?"

"Impossible." I whisper after the words floods in my memory.

 Everything was magical,enchanting and unbelievable in the human world. But do I  have a choice?

After giving much thought,I decided to take the risk. The following days,I spent my  time searching for the flowers of life and death. Reading,memorizing, and mastering  every details perfectly. Patiently waiting for the 39th day of Jongin's death.

*~*~*~*

This is the day I've been waiting for so long. Later tonight before midnight, I'll get to see the boy I love the most,the one I'm sacrificing my life for. After dipping my body to a relaxing bath, I step out of the bathroom and is meet by a bewildered Zoe-Tao. The book on her hand.

"What is this???have you gone crazy???!!!!!!!!!!"

I ignore Zoe-Tao's blazing eyes and grab the book out of her. She grabs it back from me harshly and start tearing the pages. I freeze for a second or two until I realize what she's doing.

"NOO!!!!!!!!!!STOP!!!!!!!!!!" 

"Stop this craziness!!!"

We start pulling the book away from each other, both crying while screaming at each other. The book flies and toss up mid air landing on the corner of my room. I run to it before she can take it away from me again.

"He's dead! Jongin is dead! He's not coming back anymore!"

"I'll bring him back to life..He doesn't deserve to die..He cant die.." I answer back assuring her I'm telling a fact despite the disbelief all over in her face.

"and you believe that stupid book? you really think you can bring him back from death?"

"Whether it's true or not,it doesn't matter. My life is meaningless anyway..I have nothing to lose.."

"Did you think of the people who cares for you? your parents? your sister?
Me? You want us to suffer the way you are suffering now? you're so selfish."

What Zoe-tao said hits me and again broke down in tears. " Tao-yah. It's so painful,I can't live like this anymore.."

She approaches and embraces me tightly,nevertheless, both shedding tears. The whole day Zoe-tae guarede me while I pretend to sleep waiting for the chance to sneak out from her. Guilt rushes on me when I gently step out of my bed while Zoe-tao is sleeping soundly on my couch. I kiss her forehead and bid my goodbye to a wonderful friend that she is. I hope she can forgive me.

*~*~*~*

It's almost sunset when I arrive at Jongin's home town where he was buried. It's the the first time I've been here since I didn't attend his funeral.  
His tomb was located on top of a hill under a stout,broad, and branchy tree,overlooking a tranquil and placid lake. I gasp for air. It's so refreshing. 
I never felt this peaceful in my life. Is it because I'm filled with hope today? The thought of bringing his life back to this world, give me so much happiness. I walk around his tomb, kneel down and embrace it as if I'm lying on top of his body.

"You must be cold down there,huh? Sorry it took me this long to rescue you. Don't worry I'll bring you back..and we'll be together again..You want that,right?" 
I sit comfortably beside him, watching the sun fading in the crimson sky. 

"it's beautiful..The last time I'll be seeing it - - -alive.." I close my eyes and let myself drown into my subconsciousness.

***Flashback

Sehuna was still on her PE uniform and was about to tidy up all the materials they used in physical fitness test. She sighed at the sight of the 10 feet long green support mat covering half of the soccer field. She was about to start folding the mat  when Jongin appeared infront of her.

" Sehuna! Wifey! Come with me I have something to show you.." he tried to pull Sehuna's arm but she shove his hand away.

"Yah! can't you see I'm busy here? Go away!"

"uggghh!  I told you I'll do the cleaning here instead. Why do you always reject my help." he crossed his arm infront of his chest and pouted his lips.

" I don't need your help!" rolled her eyes on him.

" Aishhh..Just come with me for once,I promise you won't regret it..Cmon!!!!"

No matter how Sehuna tried to pull her hands away from his tight grip, Jongin didn't let go of her. She finally gave up on resisting and let him take her away. Until they reached the building's roof top. Jongin didn't stopped mumbling about this unbelievable sight that he wanted to show her.

"This will blow your mind! believe me!" he says finally loosening his grip on her wrist. 

"you dragged me all the way here for WHAAAT??" Sehuna yells rubbing her wrist.

"LOOK!" Jongin's head inclined up  to the sky with his eyes in awe. He raised his  finger above tracing the lines on the sky.

"Wow.." he whispered.

Sehuna looked up and she was captivatedd by the sight above them.The sky was split into two zone of clouds. The clouds on the lower part,closer to the disappearing figure of the  sun,were pile of elongated cotton-like in bright red orange colors. The other zone were lines of elongated clouds in  purple to pink color. The two zone of split clouds were embedded in the vast plain navy blue sky. It was like a painting,a picture perfect one. For the moment,they stood there enchanted by the sight above them.

" Do you like it?" 

She heard him speak and she nodded without taking her eyes off the sky. He smiled as if he accomplished the best thing on earth,her smile.

Sehuna blinked as a drop of water fell on her cheek from above,then another one.

"OHHH!! NO! Is it rain drops?" Jongin blurted. 

That's when she was able to snapped out of the enchanting view. Before they knew it,the sky poured out enormous rain drops.

"AGGGHHHHHHHH!!! this is all your fault!! Now I'm all wet!" she shouted at him while he take off his coat trying to cover her head. She pushed him and ran towards the door.

"WAIT SEHUNA!" he ran after her.

"NOOOO!!!!" Sehuna scream in horror upon seeing the  materials lying all wet on the ground.

"I'm gonna kill you Kim Jongin!"

"Before you do that let me take them off the ground. Don't worry, I'll take care of this. Stay there,ok?" 

He folded his uniform pants and ran towards the field. Rolling,picking and gathering all the materials off the ground amidst the heavy rain. Jongin stayed late on the school gymnasium,wiping and drying the soaked materials.

**End of flashback

The sky changes its shade to dark. Stars start glittering  and the moon beams brightly as ever that night. Sehuna is still sitting beside Jongin's grave.

"It's almost time..the sky,stars and moon are so beautiful Jongin..It's so funny..I never thought how beautiful the world is..I guess it's too late for me to appreciate all of this..but I'll do everything to give back all the love I wasted."

"I miss you so much,you should know that. You deserve it."

Sehuna wipe the tears in her face and start setting up for the ritual. She place a transparent glass on top of the tomb, pouring the mixture of extracts from the flowers of life and death. She then took the picture of her and Jongin. Leaning against the tomb,holding the glass on her left hand and the picture on her right hand.

She place the picture in her chest, "I'll bring you back Jongin." she smiles full of hope and passion.

She glance at her watch,15 minutes before it hit 12 midnight. She put the picture of them together inside the glass with the mixture of the two flower that symbolizes life and death.

"You have to come back- - -to me- - -please."

She gulps down the liquid inside the glass without a blink. Coughing several times and resist her body's wanting to throw up. The unbearable pain overcoming her body makes her crawl closer to Jongin's tomb. She glance at her watch again,5 minutes. If her heart remain beating after midnight hits,then she will lost Jongin eternally.

"I- - -I- - have to die..now."

The poison starts to spread,numbing her senses,blocking her breathing.  She gasp airs to breath but she could still feel her heart beating in frantic irregular pace. Glancing at her watch again,two minutes. She reaches the glass beside her and smash it on the stone nearby. Picks up a sharp piece of broken glass,closing her eyes tightly and cut her wrist. Blood flowed over her skin down to the bare ground. She stare at the view infront of her,and sees Jongin's  face smiling down at her along with the moon and the stars. Sehuna smile back before her heart stopped beating.