""Hyesung, which colour is nicer? Black or white?" Dongwan held up 2 handphones to me.

"Black."

"Excuse me, I am taking this black handphone. Thank you." Dongwan spoke to the staff at the handphone shop.

While the staff was explaining to Dongwan, I stood at a corner and looked out to the street. The street was crowded with people and seeing them walking by, I wondered if they each had their stories? There was a young man walking slowly with his head hung down and his hands shoved into his pants pocket. Did he had a rough day? Another teenage girl walked away briskly and kept looking at her watch but she was in smiles. Was she hurrying to a date with someone she liked?

"Hyesung ah, you are spacing out again. Hellooooooooo........" Dongwan nudged me playful and it pulled me back from my daydream. I saw that Dongwan had 2 ice cream cones in his hands and he passed me one. "If you kept dazing away, your ice cream will melt away." Dongwan tucked into his ice cream and smiled happily. His smiles did not stop since we walked out of school. I believed his girlfriend will be in happiness and I wonder who would be that lucky one.

"Come on, I need to select a gift for my sister." Dongwan pulled my hand and pouted.

"Dongwan, didn't you just buy a handphone for your sister?" I looked puzzled at him.

"Oh, Hyesung please hold my ice cream cone." Dongwan shoved his into my left hand without waiting for my reply. I bet I looked funny with 2 ice cream cones. Dongwan took out the handphone and keyed something into it. Next, he took his ice cream cone and put the handphone in my hand. "For you Hyesung. I registered my handphone number in it so you can look for me anytime and I could look for you anytime. Hee hee."

I was shocked by this. I wanted to reprimand Dongwan for being so extremely nice to me but seeing his cheerful face, I did not want to make him feel bad. "Dongwan, you should not do so. Take it back!" 

"Hyesung, this is only a second hand hand phone and it does not cost a lot. Do not worry about the monthly usage bill as I signed up the plan whereby you pay according as you use. It used a stored valued card whereby you can use based on the amount on the card." Dongwan waved his hand at me.

"Ya Hyesung, are you so touched that you are lost for word? Aishi, your ice cream dripped on your hand." Dongwan took out some tissue from his pocket and wiped away the ice cream. Next, he wiped my hand again. Watching his detailed expression, I am very touched. Why was Dongwan being so good and caring towards me.

"Dongwan, I ....." I could not continue as Dongwsn shook his head at me.

"Come let go, we do not have all day. If I don't get a gift today, my sister will nagged at me non stop. Quick." Dongwan grabbed my hand and dragged me off.

I looked at Dongwan's back, silently being pulled by him and my hand in his. If only Dongwan was the one that I fell in love with, I think it will be blissful. Maybe I was blind to see the goodness of Dongwan and failed to cherish him? Maybe I would be punished for not liking Dongwan but love can't be forced. I just wished Dongwan to be by my side as my best friend.

Am I making use of Dongwan now as I allowed him to hold my hand? I yearned for the warmth from him when we were together. I am so selfish and shameless. However, I am very tired. My mind, my heart and my soul were very tired. Please just let me be willful once, let me selfish this time. Just let Dongwan's warmth to drive away my loneliness and my freezing heart. Please just this once.... I closed my eyes and prayed silently.

                                               **********************************

It had been a long time since I spent time with hammy, my pet hamster. 

"Hammy, I am feeling vexed recently." I stared into Hammy's big round eyes. Thereafter, Hammy ignored me and went for its routine exercise in his wheel.

Sometime, I felt that being blind or deaf was a blessing. This was a pathetic world that I am living in. If I was deaf, I could avoid hearing the sobbing and wailing. If I was blind, I could avoid the sorrowful scene of separation. I ever hid under my cover in the bed so that I would not see the ugly scene of my parents' fightings. In addition, I also wish that I was deaf because despite hiding in my cover, I could still hear their quarrels, their cursings and swearing at each other.

"Hammy, Eric is very cruel to me." I looked at Hammy who had stopped his exercise and looking at me through his cage.

"Hammy, Eric was not totally cruel to me. He ever cared for me.... He had left me with some wonderful memories..." I held some food to Hammy who came to me happily.

"Hammy, Eric could have ignored me but I was the one who clinged on to him..." Hammy was busily eating the treat and was ignoring me.

"If Eric rejected me outright in the beginning, what will I be like?" I muttered. Am I asking myself or Hammy?

"Hammy, probably it would be better if Eric Mun rejected me." I was silent because I spoke from my heart. But I would not have the wonderful memories of Eric Mun and me at the breakwater, having my first kiss with him, riding on his motorbike and holding onto his waist.....  I should be contented and thankful?

It was at lonely late night that I felt disgruntled. Why was my love so short lived, so fragile? Did I hate Eric Mun? I did not know the answer. I would feel sad thinking of our breakup, upset of Eric Mun being gullible to her, being angry at my weakness.

I am a kid who was unable to get my lollipop. I yearned for my lollipop so badly that I cried. However, no matter how loudly my cries was, I still did not get my lollipop. Soon, I stopped crying.... Slowly, I realized that I would never get to eat the lollipop because I am not destined to it.

"Hammy, I just don't get it. Why do I landed up like this?" I yelled. Hammy retreated into his house after my sudden outburst.

"Hyesung, are you okay?" Dad's voice came outside my room door. I panicked because my yelling was too loud.

"I am okay Dad. I was freaked out when a cockroach appeared. I managed to kill it." I lied to Dad.

"Oh, sleep early. You have school tomorrow." 

"Good night Dad." Soon I heard fading footsteps.

Since, I was unable to sleep and I decided to go to chat on ICQ. I hope Junjin was in ICQ too.

[Smart Guy] : Hyesungieeeeee, I had not seen you for a long time! What happen? Are you okay? Any problem in school, Home? Or relationship issues? 

[Unlucky Boy] : I am okay. Don't worry. How are you recently? Still as stupid as before?

[Smart Guy] : Ya, you are so mean! I was so concerned about you but you said mean thing! :(

[Unlucky Boy] : From your reply, you are definitely doing well. Haha. How is school and Andy huh?

[Smart Guy] : You are so mean. You did not tell me that you have a boyfriend? To think I treat you as my No 1 friend though you are after my beloved Andy. How could you? :_ _

[Unlucky Boy] : Junjin, what nonsense are you spouting about? I do not have any boyfriend.

I did not tell anyone about Eric Mun. I was a bit tense when Junhin mentioned me having boyfriend. Could he had seen me with Eric Mun?

[Smart Gut] : You ungrateful boy! You still dare to deny? Andy saw it too. We saw you holding hands with a handsome boy at the mall the other day. You were smiling blissfully like an idiot. I wanted to call out to you but my Andy stopped me. You should thank him for his thoughtfulness.

My mind was buzzing. Junjin and Andy saw him and Dongwan the other day when we were shopping for his sister's birthday gift.

[Smart Guy] : Hellooooooooooooooo, you still there? Lost for words after being caught red handed right? You two looked good together.

[Unlucky Boy] : He us not my boyfriend! He is my classmate and I was accompanying him to find a birthday gift for his sister. You idiot! You just watch over your Andy carefully!

[Smart Guy] : Someone getting defensive. Hyesung ah, tell me more about your handsome boyfriend? We could go on double date next time and you can introduce him to me and Andy. Have you guys progress to kissing? French kissing or you know er Hmmn homerun stage? Oh my, I am blushing already....

[Unlucky Boy] : Don't be so lewd. What homerun! You idiot....

I was so agitated by Junjin's message that I slammed my mouse violently on the mouse pad. Suddenly, I heard footsteps to my room.

"Hyesung, a cockroach appeared in your room again?"

"No Dad. I accidentally drop my hand phone only. Everything is fine." I lied while I rolled my eyes at my computer screen.

"Oh, Hyesung. You better sleep early okay?"

"Dad, I will. Good night." Soon, I heard fading footsteps.

[Smart Guy] : Hyesung ah, there is nothing to be shy about. You can consult me on your relationship. Andy and I can guide you..... :)

[Unlucky Boy] : I am logging off. Good night!

[Smart Boy] : I just SMS my Andy about you and your boyfriend. He want me to send his well wishes to you. Fighting!

"What!" I slammed my hand on my table after seeing the last message. I regretted immediately because I heard footsteps to my room again. After living for 17 years, now I knew that my Dad's ears were very very very sharp. 

"Hyesung,......." I did not heard what my Dad was saying......