Dear you,

Pitch black. I woke up in total darkness after 10 hours of sleep. But it was not enough for me. You should know that. Because it was you who always joked about my not-so-special-hobby called sleeping. I would always give you my infamous shut-the--up stare whenever you make fun of my old (and still) favorite way to kill time. It's funny how you never seem to be affected by my icy glare, but I guess we have known each other for so long to be bothered by small things like that.

I hit my head on your table as I crawled my way to switch on that table lamp you use whenever you feel like reading your comic books. You left your coffee mug on the table again and I sort of knocked it when I was trying to find the switch so you better clean that when you get back tomorrow morning. I found this piece of paper in your drawer by the way. I hope you don't mind that I use it. By the looks of these colored scented papers, I assume you use them to write to him. Him. Even writing that is unbearable. I can't even write nor think about his name without getting my eyes teary. And it hurts. Both my heart and my eyes. I cried myself to sleep thinking that everything will be alright when I wake up. But it's not. And it will never be.

So forgive me if I write all that I feel in this paper. Because I can never find the courage to tell you these without breaking into tears. I am not even sending this to you anyway so I can rant all I want and cuss at you if I want to.

So here goes. I hate you. I hate you for making me feel this way. Because of you I have become a selfish person. I became this cold hearted b*tch who wouldn't want to share anything she owns to anybody. No scratch that it's YOU who I wouldn't want to share to anybody. The world can take all that I posses but as long as I have you, I'll be fine. I guess I'm not that selfish after all. I only want you. But that seems to be impossible now. Coz you have him and you belong to him. Not me. Your pathetic and stupid roommate who was crazy enough to believe that she's the only one you'll ever love.

I am lazy, unorganized and mean. But you saw through me. You understood me more than I ever understood myself. You make fun of me but you're the one who encourages me the most. You loved me for who I am. And I hate you for that.

I hate you for making me drink those medicines. For staying up late waiting for me. For every glass of warm milk during those nights that I can't fall asleep. For tucking my hair behind my ears. For holding my hands when I'm scared. For the hugs and for the kisses. For everything that you have done for me. Because every day from the moment I open my eyes, everything will lead me back to you.

But I hate myself more. Because I always thought that you'll love me and only me. That you'll always be there to do things for me. To take care of me. I was that stupid. I always had you from the very beginning and I was a fool to believe things like this lasts forever. I forgot that you were not MINE and I was not yours. I was THAT stupid. I was yours and you were mine - what a load of tosh.

I neglected the fact that you were this charming, funny, smart and perfect individual that anybody could fall for. And he did notice that didn't he? All the things that I haven't paid attention to. All the things that I was accustomed to, he saw that and he loved you for that.

I wonder what he sees in you. You're loud and bossy yet quiet and obedient at times. You're messy yet organized. You're too deep yet crazy at the same time. You snore and occupy my space in bed yet you sleep so peacefully like a baby. You eat a lot and you never seem to be the type to wait to be fed yet you patiently wait for everybody to get to the table. You're stubborn and stupid and you act dumb. You're clumsy and you always make a fool of yourself just to make people laugh. You were never showy but you can be the sweetest when you want to be. You're JUST that. And a whole lot of other things.

You're YOU. YOU is not even an adjective but I can't find better words to describe you. And that's how I came to love YOU. Because you never held anything back. He must have seen all that, and that's how I lost you.

Because I was the complete opposite of you. I held everything back. I tried so hard to suppress every bit of spark that came along your fingers brushing against mine. Every heartbeat that was twice the normal whenever you smile and look at me. I masked every blush in my cheeks for the little things that you do. I swallowed what could have been the sweetest Thank Yous and I Love Yous and I Care for You too. I was delusional to think that you and I could live forever holding hands, running towards the end of the rainbow. But all I see is the end of you and me. I'm crying and laughing at the same time now you must think I've gone mad. I have to remind myself there's no such thing as YOU AND ME.

And so, I'm sorry because this letter is all smudged with my tears. Or because this piece of paper gets wasted. Or because you'll find me sleeping in your side of the bed using your blanket because I want to cry myself to sleep once more thinking you're hugging me tonight.

I'm sorry.

Not to you, but to myself, particularly my heart. Because I let someone like you slip from me. Because I let my heart suffer when I was loving you all along. Because I lied to myself. Because I love you so much that my heart is yours more than it's mine..

I Love You Choi SooYoung. I love you so much.

And these words left unsaid are the tears I'll cry for every day of my life..

alwayS Yours,

Babo Jung

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it's not much, but it's SooSic...well, kinda. i'll edit it later.

My SooSic feels went down the drain, then skyrocketed the next day. It's a rollercoaster of emotion and forgive me for not updating while I sort my SooSic feels.

                                                                                                                                                                                     - iheartyoungie