I turned off the lights in my room and stayed alone in the darkness. It has been five days, five days since I broke up with him.

I lay on the bed and tried to sleep, but I can’t. His voice, his smell and his touch still linger in me. No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to forget him.

I began to cry silently. My pillow’s already wet, while I’m drenched in our memories. Our dates, the way he holds my hand & his surprise kisses, his jealousy over the smallest things, his compliments and his blushing face whenever he tells me a cheesy line he learned from his teammate slash best friend, those are still in my mind. Are there any ways to forget the guy who makes you happy? Are there any ways to forget the guy who loves you more than you love him? Are there any ways to forget Kim Hanbin?

I never thought that this will happen. I thought forgetting him would be easy. I never thought that I’ll become a damsel in distress.

I suddenly thought of the day I broke his and my own heart. The sky was clear and the stars were brightly shining. He came to me with a grin plastered on his face, glad that we’ll be able to spend our night again together. But his grin turned into a frown when I said, “Hanbin, I think we need to break up.”

I cannot make an eye contact with him when I said those words. I was afraid that I might break down into tears. Afterwards, the atmosphere became too gloomy, I tried to explain to him everything but nothing came out of my mouth.

“Is it because we lost?” He finally broke the silence. His tears kept on falling and he didn’t even care if he didn’t look good. “Are you embarrassed of me now because we lost to our hyungs?”

“No, of course not.”

“Then why?” his voice came out as a whisper.

‘I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to see him hurt,’ I thought.

“Things are just getting complicated between us and I’m going to college soon Hanbin,” I lied to him and to myself. Nothing like college could break us apart. “I’ll be studying in Canada and live with my parents. They need me there and it has been years since I got to see them.”

“We don’t need to break up. You love me, I love you. Nothing like that would tear us apart,” he said while crying hard.

“We can’t keep this relationship anymore,” I said, finally breaking down into tears.

“Why? Why? Why? Why Haneul?!” He looked frustrated and broken.

“Do you really want to know?” I stared at him for a moment but looked away again then continued, “I’m breaking up with you because I don’t love you anymore!” And that was the biggest lie I’ve ever told someone.

He cupped my cheeks and begged, “No, Haneul, you still love me. I know you, I can see through you.”

I kept on looking away. “Look at me Haneul, look at my eyes and tell me that exact sentence a while ago.”

I looked at him and didn’t talk for a moment. I stared at him for the last time. I studied his face; his cheeks were red probably from the coldness, his nose was red from crying, his lips were quivering and his eyes were begging for me to stay.

In fact, I did