I tried to convince myself that my resistance had been weak because of the fever, but the next time was just as easy. Then there was no fever to hide behind. I snatched Nichkhun's phone when he was in the shower. It wasn't my fault, Nichkhun just left his phone on the table while he took a shower and the phone just happened to ring while I was passing by. It had to be destiny, right?

“Hello?” before I even realized it, I had answered the phone. “Nichkie?” a smooth male voice inquired. Nichkie? I cringed at the sound of it, outraged that this unworthy caller was using such an emasculating nickname for a famous idol. I panicked for a moment, but then instinct kicked in. Controlled by the homophobia, I went on autopilot. It wasn't me, it was the phobia talking. “No, I'm a friend of his. Nichkhun wanted me to tell you that he's very sorry but due to his hectic schedule, he won't be able to see you anymore. I'm sorry.” I couldn't believe those words were actually coming out of my own mouth. I didn't recognize myself anymore, I was becoming a whole other person. A bad person. I was losing the fight for myself.

“Oh, ehm.. that's too bad. Is he there?” the voice on the other side of the line sounded disappointed, sad. I got a severe pang of guilt. Even though it hurt, I was glad that I was at least still a decent enough person to feel guilt over the horrible crime I was committing. “No. I'm sorry, he's doing a shoot right now.” I replied apologetically, hoping that he would let the matter lie so Nichkhun would never learn about it. Why was I doing this? Why couldn't I just let Nichkhun be happy?

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop. I had become addicted to my phobia and after a few times, I stopped feeling guilty altogether. I started getting better and better at intercepting his messages, leaving no trace behind. At one point I began wondering whether I should have been a criminal instead of an idol, since I apparently was pretty good at it.

“Channie..” Nichkhun threw himself into the sofa beside me. “Mmm?” I answered, I didn't like the tone in Nichkhun's voice. “Can you send me a message real quick? I think there's something wrong with my phone.” he said dejected, fiddling with his phone. The blood froze in my veins, being replaced by a river of guilt. I wondered if I should come clean, but quickly decided against it. Nichkhun would never forgive me and I wasn't sure I would be able to handle that. Instead I just sent him a message, 'pabo!'. *beepbeep* the screen of Nichkhun's phone lit up, but his face did not. I already knew there was nothing wrong with his phone, but nothing prepared me for the disappointment coloring Nichkhun's face.

“I don't get it.” he finally said, “I've been on quite a few very nice first dates recently where I could've sworn that the guy was into me, but then they never contact me. Is something wrong with me?” Nichkhun asked earnestly with a saddened expression. I had never seen him this vulnerable, it broke my heart. I wanted to shout no at the top of my lungs, that there was something wrong with me and not him, but I couldn't admit it.

“Have you ever tried dating a girl?” I asked out of the blue, completely lacking in smoothness. “Why?” Nichkhun asked surprised, his eyebrows almost his hairline. “Just.. I mean.. it might be easier. They'd probably always call you back after a date, and then there would be less confusion over who should call whom, because the man is supposed to make the first move, right? Maybe those guys were just waiting for you to contact them, have you ever considered that?” I had dug myself a deep hole for me to rot in and all I could do was keep digging. “Channie, you know I'm gay. I can't date girls. It's not like a switch I can just turn on and off, like hmm I'm in the mood for girls today, what will it be tomorrow?” his voice had an edge to it. What I had said had clearly touched a nerve. “I know.. I was just thinking out loud. Sometimes I worry about you, that your life would be easier if you were straight.” I explained honestly. Nichkhun's expression softened, he put his hand on my shoulder, it lightly. It almost brought me to tears, stirring something inside of me.

That simple touch reminded me how good a friends we were, it was a friendship I wasn't ready to give up even though I had forfeited my right to it. I had to get it together. Nichkhun was gay and there was nothing me or anyone else could do about it. It was the way it was and the way it would always be. If I didn't want to lose him, I would have to accept it. And I definitely didn't want to lose him. This wasn't going to be easy and it wouldn't take just a day or two to get over it, but I silently promised myself I'd try, promised Nichkhun I'd try. Even though I might never be okay with it, I needed to learn to live with it. I would have to avoid seeing or hearing about Nichkhun's suitors and try to not think too much about it. I had to accept that I wouldn't be able to be a part of all aspects of Nichkhun's life. Just thinking about it hurt. We had always told each other pretty much anything and everything, I loved our relationship like it was, I didn't want it to change. But I knew I had to let him go, let him live his life. He deserved to be happy and it would break both of us if I stood in his way.

From now on I was going to think about Nichkhun as a person, refraining from defining him by his ual orientation or anything else for that matter. Nichkhun was a wonderful person and an incredible friend. He had always been there for me when I needed him and often when I didn't even know I needed him. He deserved the same from me and he was going to get it. Starting this very moment I was going to be better. For Nichkhun.

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Oops, this was originally supposed to be 3 chapters, but there will be one more chapter >.<