'Hi, my name is Chansung and I'm a homophobe.'.

These are words I don't dare utter out loud. I still can't believe they are true. Homophobic. How can I be homophobic? My feelings have completely betrayed me. I don't think I will ever be able to forgive their betrayal. Me, Chansung, a homophobe? No matter how often I repeat it to myself I can't make me believe it. I've always believed everyone has a place in this world and that we should embrace people's differences, allowing them to enrich our world instead of tearing it apart. I've always thought it silly to define someone merely by their uality or the color of their skin. It's not like you get to choose. You aren't handed a color palette in your mother's womb, like you were choosing which color to paint your room. Browsing through the cards, comparing different hues, finally settling on a caramel yellow. Nor were you handed a questionnaire, asking you to tick the box of your choice, male or female? Tall or short? Cute blonds, intelligent brunettes or that nerdy weirdo as your ual preference? And even if you got to choose, that decision shouldn't define your whole life thereafter. Bigotry was really a pointless, destructive force that no one should have to face.

When Nichkhun had finally gathered his courage and told me, I swore I would stand by him no matter what. No matter what. If he needed a shoulder to cry on, if he needed a shelter from the storm, if he needed a fist of rage, if he needed a voice of reason, I was going to be there. I was ready to give him whatever he needed, without him even asking. I thought it was the natural thing to do and didn't think much of it. After all we were friends, more than friends, brothers. Brothers look out for each other, and that was exactly what I was going to do. Little did I know that the one I needed to protect him from was myself.

Then it happened. That fateful day when me and my feelings chose different paths, incompatible paths. The day me and my feelings became enemies, fighting on opposite fronts in the battle for humanity. Who would survive? I vowed it would be me that would still be standing on that battlefield of beliefs after the final battle, but deep down I wasn't so sure. How did it come to this? I'm still not sure myself.

~~~

“Minjuuuun..” I begged and pouted. “I've already seen it. Twice. I've got to finish this song. You do want our album to be awesome, right?” Minjun retorted, not budging. Hmm, this would require some puppy eyes manipulation. I made my pout bigger by pushing out my lower lip, opening my eyes as wide as they would go, blinking profusely. Now for the piece de la resistance, “Hyuuuuuuuung”. I used the sweetest part of my voice in the hopes that Minjun could see no way to refuse me. For a split second, it seemed like it was working. Minjun stood up and pinched both of my cheeks, “Ay, uri Chansungie”. A smile began to form on my lips, he was going to do it! But that smile would never reach completion. Minjun hugged me tight and told me he was just too busy, slapping my on my way out.

I knew I was being unreasonable, there was a great deal of pressure on Minjun's shoulders these days since he was responsible for half of the songs on our new album and time was getting scarce. We had the studio booked starting next month. Junho was in charge of composing the other half of the album, these past few weeks I had hardly seen him. I missed them both something fierce. All that alone time I had kept wishing for didn't seem so great after nearly two weeks of solitude. And more importantly, I wanted to see Taecyeon's new action movie and I didn't want to go by myself.

I had been in Japan on promotion for my very modest solo song when it premiered. So all the guys had already seen it since they had obviously gone to the premier together to support Taec. I had felt really bad about not being able to be there, I had sent Taec almost a hundred encouraging and apologetic messages. I kind of think he became a bit annoyed at the end, after the first 80 or so messages, but I wanted to make sure he knew how much I missed him and how much I wanted to be there for him. He told me he missed me too and wished my solo success, he even used okcat to advertise it. I don't think I've ever been so proud in my life. Okcat promoting my solo song. SOLO song!! I had never even dreamed of such a thing. But it just proves what I've believed all along, practice, practice and more practice will eventually pay off.

Anyway, I ended up going by myself. It was actually kind of nice. I went early in the afternoon to avoid the crowds and found a cozy seat in the back of the near empty theater, leaning back and digging into my extra large popcorn box. It was crunchy with just the right amount of saltiness, I closed my eyes for a moment to savor the taste. I had been on a diet for the past month so my taste buds were having a field day. When I opened my eyes again, I saw that a couple of guys had sat down a couple of rows in front of me. I didn't think much of it since it was natural that there were more people than only me that wanted to see the movie. Actually, I was hoping that a lot of people would, I wanted Taec's movie to be super successful.

The movie started and on the very first second I was completely in, forgetting my surroundings. That was, until my subconscious had put the puzzle pieces together, realizing that I knew the back of the head of one of those guys, I knew it very well. It was Nichkhun! I was about to throw a popcorn at him to make my presence known, when it happened. That most awful of events. The guy Nichkhun was with had said something that made Nichkhun giggle like a little schoolgirl. Nichkhun looked at him like he was looking at an exquisite painting, admiring every . And in the cover of darkness they shared a kiss. Something that was supposed to be beautiful, two souls being joined together in love. But my insides turned upside down and I started feeling nauseous.

How could Nichkhun do such a thing? Dirtying his perfect lips on that creepy guy, it was gross! Fury building inside me, my nausea got worse. They apparently thought nobody could see them, since they really got into it, locking lips like there was no tomorrow. I wanted to cry. My Nichkhun. My Nichkhun with that shady creep, doing something as unthinkable as this! When he told me he was gay, I did realize he would date guys and therefore also kiss them. But seeing it with my own eyes, it was an abomination. Every fiber of my being was screaming 'THIS IS WRONG!'. How could two people loving each other be so wrong?

I was in shock, because of the kiss, but even more because of my reaction. It became so bad that I had to leave the movie theater at once, I couldn't bear watching that disgraceful act a moment longer. I wanted to confront them and pull Nichkhun out with me by force, getting him away from that poor excuse of a human being that was taking advantage of my beautiful prince. He couldn't love Nichkhun much if he was willing to risk his image, his entire livelihood for one sordid kiss in the dark. And how reckless was Nichkhun being, taking a risk like that?! I ran out with tears in my eyes. I wished a million times over that he wasn't gay, that he would date a cute princess instead of that evil hairy beast. Then he could go on to have cute little baby princes and princesses, letting the world marvel at how breathtakingly gorgeous they all were, leaving everyone wishing they had their lives, instilling hope in the hearts of millions.

No, instead Nichkhun had to get lost in the murky underworld of erted guys using him for his body, caring nothing about him at all. As the kiss flashed before my eyes, the popcorn threatened to stage an attack from within. I took a deep breath of the cold evening air. I had to clear my head, get my senses back. My feelings of revulsion were overpowering, taking over my brain, spreading dark thoughts, eliminating any remnants of rational thought. I began thinking up scenarios where I could kidnap Nichkhun and somehow turn him straight, at least get him away from that monster he was with.

I ran and I ran. I was trying to outrun my own feelings, but there was no escaping them. They pierced my every cell like a sharp knife, the pain pulsating through my body. When I had exhausted whatever energy I had left, I collapsed on a bench. Not able to withhold the tears any longer, the built up tension in my body transformed into suffocating sorrow. No matter how much I wailed, the hurt inside me just wouldn't go away.

And so I cried. I cried until there were no more tears. Until there were no more thoughts. Until there was complete darkness. Until I was no more.