They were just fooling around.

“Jongdae-ah! Hurry up! We’ll be late– Hey– Mmph!”

Minseok was interrupted as something slammed into him and he found himself staring at the sky. A face appeared, blocking his view of the pretty white clouds, sharp features and a bright grin filling up his vision instead.

Jongdae laughed, staring down at Minseok. “Hyung~ You always talk about how pretty the snow is, we should stay here and enjoy it before it goes away!”

“We have classes…” Minseok mumbled, looking away. He knew he would break if he looked at the other boy. Jongdae didn’t use aegyo (last time he tried, Minseok nearly puked), but his eyes had this sharp, captivating shine, and combined with his dazzling smile, Minseok would be caught mesmerized every time, and always agreed to Jongdae’s request eventually. It was Jongdae’s secret weapon; he loved seeing how his hyung would squirm adorably in his own inner battle whenever he used it.

“Minnie… please?”

Don’t look! Do not succumb to his ways! Do not– “Fine… Let’s skip class, then.” Minseok sighed. Must work on self-discipline.

“Yay! Let’s go!” Jongdae pecked Minseok lightly on the nose and jumped up and down like a little child, before dragging the older one off.

Minseok found himself having lots of fun—he always did when he was with Jongdae. They did all the cliché things: they created snow angels (Minseok traced horns and a spiked tail on Jongdae’s, claiming he was more of a devil than an angel), made snowmen (Jongdae decided to make an entire army of mini ones that were supposedly “the Nazis in snowmen bodies,” causing Minseok to laugh uncontrollably for a while), and built snow forts (“It’s an igloo, get it right! It’ll beat your snow fort any day!” Jongdae kept yelling). For a while, Minseok felt like a child again, as he fell down laughing (dragging Jongdae with him, of course) into the snow, even though he had already reached the ripe age of 20.

When the laughter died down, they just lay there in a comfortable silence, Minseok relaxing into Jongdae’s warm embrace, their fingers entwined. Minseok let out a sigh. “We should go.”

“Why can’t we stay longer?”

Minseok got up, picking up his bag. “Classes, Jongdae. Think about your future career! Your degree!”

“I want to sing, though. I don’t need a degree for that!”

“Aish~ Then shall I simply leave you here?”

Jongdae’s eyes widened and he immediately grabbed his bag before latching onto Minseok’s arm. “No!”

Chuckling, Minseok continued walking towards the crosswalk. Something caught his eye, and he immediately changed the topic. “Hey, Jongdae-ah! The road’s frozen over!”

Jongdae ran to catch up to Minseok, who had run to side of the crosswalk. “Not really, it’s like sorta-kinda-icy-not-really-but-still-slippery…”

“Whatever. It’s close enough. We used to slide around on this stuff all the time, remember?” Minseok took a few steps back, getting ready to skate across the road.

Jongdae smirked, reaching for his phone. “Wait, don’t go yet, I need to record this failure.”

Minseok scowled playfully. “Thanks for your support, dear friend.”

“You’re welcome!” Jongdae beamed, starting the video recording as Minseok took a running start.

Minseok slid over the icy road with both feet, coming to a stop in the middle of the deserted road. Turning around, he faced Jongdae with a triumphant smirk. “Ha! Told you I wouldn’t–”

SCREECH.

A car skidded around the corner, interrupting what Minseok was going to say. It was veering out-of-control, and Minseok was right in its path.

“Minseok!” Jongdae’s voice was filled with alarm.

Suddenly, something soft slammed into Minseok’s body, and he found himself staring at the sky again for the second time in a few hours. There was a sickening crunch. Red was everywhere, blotching Minseok’s vision.

The last thing that went through Minseok’s head was that the body that was shielding him seemed awfully familiar…

When Minseok blinked his eyes open, all he saw was blinding white. As his eyes adjusted, he took in his surroundings. He was in a very white room. The ceiling, the walls, the bed, even the gown thing he was wearing was white. Several wires were attached to his body, and a machine on his left was beeping. It was a hospital.

There was an aching pain in his skull, and his entire body felt numb. Minseok thought this situation very similarly resembled the stereotypical hospital scene you might read in books or see in dramas.

But this was no story. This was Minseok’s reality, and that scared him.

A nurse soon came in to check in on him, and seeing that he was awake, the nurse left to call for a doctor. Not a minute passed before a tall, bald man entered, a clipboard in his hand.

“Are you in pain at all, Minseok?” The doctor asked with the sort of slowness that adults spoke with when talking with little children.

“Headache.” Minseok managed to say. His throat felt parched and dry. The nurse handed him a glass of water, which he gratefully took and sipped from. “And I… I can’t feel my legs.”

The doctor wrote something on his clipboard. “Don’t worry. You’re still recovering from many injuries, so we’ve put in some numbing medicines to dull to pain. If the numbing effect wears off, though, we cannot give you more, because, unfortunately, the drugs have negative effects if you are given too much.”

Minseok offered a weak nod in understanding. The doctor wrote some more things down, checking the machine that Minseok was attached to, before exiting the small room, allowing Minseok’s family to enter.

“Minseok, you had us so worried! Oh, Minnie, I can’t lose you!” His mother’s face was tear-stained, makeup ruined, as she reached out to his cheek with a shaky hand.

A nudge to his arm made him turn to look at the small figure by the bedside. His little sister was poking him with a card. “O-oppa. Get well soon.”

Stiffly, Minseok moved his arms, agonizingly slowly, to receive the card. He used his other arm to ruffle her hair and gave her a grateful smile. “Thank you.”

“Minnie, what were you even doing in the middle of that road?” His mother stopped sobbing for a moment to inquire. “You could have died! You would have–”

“It was very dangerous, Minseok.” His father interrupted, but Minseok had definitely heard his mother right.

He sat up, ignoring the sharp pain in his ribs. “What do you mean, I would have? I’m alive right now, aren’t I?”

His parents stiffened and exchanged a look. There was an awkward moment of silence.

“What are you keeping from me?”

Another stiff silence.

“Mom, dad, just tell me–”

“When the phone call requesting an ambulance for you came, two people were reported unconscious on the road.” Minseok’s father began. Immediately, his mother began sobbing again. “They found the other man almost shielding you. He took a lot more damage, and it seems he pushed you away and took the brunt of the hit.”

Minseok was shocked, speechless. He didn’t know what to think. “But why would a stranger do that?”

“The thing is, Minseok,” His mother began, body rocking with sobs. “It wasn’t a stranger!”

“It was Jongdae. Jongdae saved your life.”

At those words, Minseok practically sprung out of the bed, and if not for the fact that he still did not have very much control over his lower body, he might have torn out all the wires in his attempt to get out. His father held him steady and gently put him back on the bed.

“Let me see him! I have to see him, dad!” Minseok yelled. “I have to! Let me go, where is he? Take me to him!”

“Calm down, Minseok. Calm down.”

“I have to make sure he’s okay! He’s okay, right? I have to see him!”

“Minseok. Listen to me.” His father held Minseok’s chin in place. “He is dead. He was dead when they found him. Most likely died on impact.”

There was a silence.

“I have to go see him!” Minseok was near hysterics. He didn’t want to listen. There was nothing to hear in his father’s words. “Where is he? He’s here, right? He’s here! I have to see him!”

“Kim Jongdae is dead. He is not here. He is gone, now.”

“I have to see him! Let me go…” Minseok’s voice faded away as the meaning of the words finally sunk in. He collapsed in his father’s arms, tears pouring out and dripping down his cheeks. It hit him. Hard. All of a sudden, Minseok’s world closed off. His vision began to blur, and it wasn’t because of the tears. He saw doubles everywhere. Sounds were dulled and warped, like there was a filter between them. His father’s voice seemed so far away. Jongdae was dead. No, it couldn’t be.

Jongdae couldn’t be dead.

Because they had just been fooling around.

Right?

For the time Minseok was hospitalized, he never moved from his bed except to use the washroom. Sometimes, time was spent staring at a wall, silently wallowing in grief, sadness, and confusion. Other times, he would be curled up in his sheets, sobbing his heart out. He felt lost without Jongdae. It had taken him some time to wrap his head around the fact that Jongdae—Jongdae, for god’s sakes—was no longer around. Minseok kept expecting him to pop out of nowhere and scare the absolute crap out of him, to laugh at him for being so gullible, to his cheek gently, to smile sweetly and tell him to hurry up and get better. The truth felt unreal.

But somewhere between his muddled state and the numbing feeling he got whenever he tried to think, the facts finally sunk in. Jongdae, his everything, was dead. Minseok found himself lost in an overwhelming whirlwind of unfamiliar, jarringly painful feelings. It was then, that Minseok began to close himself off from the world, and Jongdae became all that he could think about.

Jongdae, who always knew the right things to say when Minseok was down. Who was always there whenever Minseok needed someone. Whose vibrant smile seemed to be contagious to Minseok. Who was Minseok’s other half.

Jongdae, who had been a bright shining light in Minseok’s world. Who had always been the optimistic one. Whose playful personality had captivated Minseok from the very start. Whose amazing selflessness ceaselessly awed Minseok all the years they had known each other.

Jongdae, who had died in place of Minseok that day.

When he was released from the hospital, he told his parents he needed some time away from home to deal with his grief on his own. With his family’s understanding support, he withdrew from his courses at university immediately. He left without seeing Jongdae again, because he knew he couldn’t bear it, and even skipped out on Jongdae’s funeral, leaving behind everything to set off and travel on his own.

That’s how Minseok found himself wandering the streets of Seoul, many miles away from his hometown. He thought maybe living away for a while might clear his head, might dull the piercing ache that greeted him every morning. Might take his mind off of Jongdae.

He was wrong. It certainly didn’t make it worse; he imagined it would be unbearable back at home, where everything held a bit of his memories with Jongdae. However, Jongdae remained on Minseok’s mind just the same. Everything brought a bit of pain.

For example, when Minseok walked by Lotte World, he was only able to think about how badly Jongdae wanted to come, but was never able to because of his family’s strained financial situation.

“They say it’s a lot of fun. I’ve always wanted to go…”

“You’ve never been? Oh man, I pity you.”

“Oh come on, it’s can’t be that pathetic that it warrants your pity!”

“It is that pathetic, Jongdae. It is.”

“Ahem ahem, overdramatized, ahem.”

“Hey, you know what, Jongdae?”

“Hmm?”

“I’ll take you someday, I promise. We’ll go together!”

Minseok never fulfilled that promise.

It was a similar pain when Minseok visited the Namsan tower.

“Have you ever been to Namsan tower, hyung?”

“Nope. Why?”

“We should go together, and put our locks there like all the other couples.”

“Um… okay? What brought this up?”

“Suho said Lay took him there on their vacation and put their locks there. I wanna go too!”

“Way to ruin the moment.”

“It wasn’t a moment! I just asked if you wanted to go!”

“Shut it.”

They didn’t get to put the locks on Namsan tower either.

Even when Minseok simply walked by a park, the small fountain brought back memories of when they were playing near one and Jongdae fell into the water (pushed by a certain someone).

“Minseok is a baozi, Minseok is a baozi!”

“Ugh! I am so going to get Luhan for teaching you Chinese!”

“Baozi! Baozi!”

“You sound like you’re drunk… or high.”

“Come on! You have to admit, you do resemble a baozi. You cannot deny it!”

“Call me that one more time…”

“Baozi!”

Splash.

“I warned you, didn’t I?”

“You did not just… You are so going to get it, you little devil.”

“Little? I’m older– Hey–”

Splash.

“That’s what you get!”

“Kim Jongdae! Get over here!”

“You know you love me~ So whatcha gonna do?”

They ended up in each other’s arms, in the water, laughing and splashing one another. Now, Minseok was standing in front of a fountain alone, cold.

The worst was when Minseok passed a store selling disposable Polaroids, his mind flew back to when Jongdae bought one the day before entering university, much to Minseok’s disapproval. It was a such a small thing, yet those were the type of moments that he treasured the most with Jongdae. When they bickered and fought to no end. When they were immature idiots and played like little children. When they were themselves.

“What are you going to do with a camera that can only take 6 pictures anyway?”

“My dear friend, I will only need 6 for these years. I’ll only capture my favorite moments, obviously!”

“But… how do you know?”

“Eh?”

“How do you know that they will be your favorite moments?”

“I will. I just will.”

“Ugh. Fine. Just don’t come asking me for another one.”

Jongdae never used up all six pictures.

Minseok’s time was mostly spent brooding over him. Everything reminded him of Jongdae; everything evoked a memory of some sort and only served to deepen his sadness. Not a single day went by without Jongdae invading Minseok’s thoughts. Not a single night passed without Jongdae haunting Minseok’s dreams (and sometimes, nightmares).

Many months went by. Minseok made a life for himself in the bustling city of Seoul. Yet, in the middle of a city that was practically bursting with life, Minseok felt like he wasn’t anywhere close to being part of it. While the city was always seemed lively and full of excitement, his emotional state seemed to be the absolute opposite.

His pain never left. Minseok pushed on in his monotonous daily life, but the empty space that Jongdae had once occupied remained empty; a hollow hole. Nevertheless, to many of his newfound colleagues and friends, he put up a strong front, saying it was all behind him.

It was a Saturday when it first began. Minseok was promoted from his job as a secretary to being a personal assistant. Tao and Kris, Minseok’s newfound friends, dragged him out, declaring that “they must celebrate this miracle of life.” (Minseok found that his friends had undying faith in his abilities)

Reluctantly, Minseok allowed them to take him to their car. What he had not expected was Kris’ idea of a celebration was a night getting wasted. At first, Minseok was hesitant. Of course, the lump in his throat was not because it was his first time drinking or the fact that he didn’t want to know what would happen if he were to get drunk. It was because, like all the other times Minseok was nervous, it brought back memories with Jongdae.

The very first time Minseok got drunk also brought many other firsts.

Jongdae stumbled up to a tired-looking Minseok. Obviously the younger boy couldn’t hold his liquor well. “Hyung~ I don’t feel well…”

“That’s whatcha get, Jongie~” Minseok, on the other hand, had much higher tolerance, and was nowhere near Jongdae’s state of drunkenness. Even so, his language was a touch slurred, and his eyes were unfocused from the high amount of alcohol. “You know, you really shouldn’t–”

“Hyuuuung…” Jongdae wobbled around a bit, grabbing Minseok’s chair to steady himself. A moment later, he sat himself down on top of Minseok, straddling him. A soft, muffled groan escaped Minseok’s lips as Jongdae pressed himself closer, pulling Minseok’s head to his chest.

Minseok instinctively put a hand on Jongdae’s chest, pushing him away. ”H-hey… Jongdae-ah…”

“Minnie~ You’re cute… ‘Ave I ever told ya that?” Jongdae cupped Minseok’s face in his hands.

There was a soft pressure on Minseok’s forehead, and by the time he realized what Jongdae was doing, it was gone. “J-Jongdae? What–”

Minseok was silenced with a second kiss—this one smack on the lips. It was messy, and the scent of alcohol reeked from both sides, but Minseok savored every bit of it.

That night, Minseok lost more than just his first kiss, and he found out Jongdae was a lot more selfish when drunk.

Minseok shook his head of the vivid memories. The amazingly hot atmosphere, the strong reek of alcohol everywhere, the sweet soft lips against his own…

No. That wasn’t the time for it. He looked around at the bar, people drinking all around, laughing joyously. Maybe it was time to put it all behind. Yeah. That was it.

“I’ll have the strongest you’ve got, make it quick.” Minseok said, receiving whoots from Kris and Tao, who seemed a little drunk already.

With a smirk, the bartender poured a shot of who-knows-what and gave it to Minseok. “It’s the best you’ll find ‘round here, I tell ya!”

Minseok returned the smile, and gulped it down in fast. It gave his throat a harsh, burning sensation, which then cooled down refreshingly. It was strikingly bitter, yet Minseok yearned for more of it. Shot after shot, until his body became light, and he felt like he was floating. Shot after shot, until his thoughts just piled together in a bleary mess. Shot after shot, until the pain in his soul and hole in his heart were long forgotten, numbed away.

The feeling of bliss, like all his worries were washed away, was too appealing to Minseok. It was an easy escape from his mess of a life.

From that Saturday on, he began drinking regularly.

At first, it wasn’t much. Every couple weeks, he’d accompany Kris or Tao to the bar, catching a drink on the weekends. But the appeal of alcohol was too much. Minseok came more often, finding himself in need of a ride home many nights. Alcohol was his way out.

Minseok needed those drinks to help him pull through what seemed like a pointless life. He had been fighting his way to happiness, and when he felt himself losing the battle, it was too easy to be lured by a simple cheat through it all.

But when it all came down to it, Minseok was caught in a terrible addiction, and he knew it. Yet, he had no intentions of stopping. After all, cheats were meant to be used. Right?

“Ah, I can’t let you have that.” Slender, pale fingers wrapped around the glass Minseok was about to gulp down, his first shot of the night. Or, what should have been his first shot.

A man pulled the glass away from Minseok, gazing at him blankly.

“The hell, man? I’d like that back, thank you kindly!”

“Wait. Hear me out.” The man wore a gentle smile, crinkles appearing by his eyes.

Minseok narrowed his eyes, but nodded anyway.

“I'd like to know... Who was it?” The man asked, looking at the glass.

“What do you mean?”

“A loved one died, am I right?”

Minseok only gaped at the strange man, confusion in his eyes. “How…”

“It’s in your eyes. It’s not often you see young ones like you looking so damn depressed. Even the depressed ones have more life in their eyes than you.”

“Oh,” was all Minseok could say.

“So who was it?” The man turned to look at Minseok.

The younger one stayed silent.

“Mother? No… Girlfriend?”

After some hesitation, Minseok finally spoke up, voice barely a whisper. “Boyfriend.”

The man didn’t seem surprised, only concerned. Although Minseok didn’t quite trust the man, he figured, there couldn’t be much harm in talking about Jongdae. He didn’t have much to lose, anyway.

“When?” The man inquired after a short pause.

“10 months ago.” Minseok mumbled.

There was another silence. The man turned in his seat, resting his chin on his palm, facing Minseok. He let out long sigh. “Son, 10 months is the sweet part of a year. I get your grief; believe me when I say I’ve been there, but don’t you think it’s too long ago to still be drinking about? You’re still young, you have plenty ahead of you, unlike many of the regular customers here. Maybe it’s time to let go.”

“I’ve been trying. That’s why I’m in Seoul in the first place…”

“No, you’re not. You’re telling yourself that, but you’re just spending all your time wasting away in a bar!”

“Why do you give a crap, anyway?”

The man ignored Minseok’s words, continuing on. “The universe has to move forward. Pain and loss, they define us as much as happiness or love. Whether it’s a world, or a relationship… Everything has it’s time. And everything ends. You hear me?”

“How inspirational.”

“Look, was this boy selfish? I don’t think so. If he really cared, do you think he would have wanted to see his best friend end up like this because of his death? Do you think he would have been pleased?”

That got Minseok’s attention. It felt like an icy cold wave washed over him. Jongdae would have hated himself if he knew Minseok ended up drinking like this because of him.

Minseok abruptly stood up. “No. No! He wouldn’t have!”

It was a breakthrough, because in those moments, Minseok finally snapped out of the trance that he had been in since his parents broke the news to him. He felt so painfully stupid for taking so long to reach that conclusion. Sorry, Jongdae. I’m sorry. This was never meant to be about me. It should have been about you.

The man chuckled. “I’m glad you know.”

With that, he stood up with Minseok’s glass still in his hand, and walked out without another word.

The next month was spent all over the place for Minseok. He caught the first flight back home to visit Jongdae’s parents, to send them well wishes. They allow him to take Jongdae’s Polaroid camera, which had one more use in it, and a small sketchbook that the two had shared. Then, he returned to Seoul, to visit Namsan tower. He only chose one lock to represent their love, and wrote a simple, short message on it. Minseok used the last shot on the Polaroid to capture a picture of the lock, message showing.

Minseok’s then went to develop the pictures. Since the Polaroid was the type where you had to use all the shots before developing them, Minseok had no idea what the other five would be.

The first shot was of Minseok, just standing in the snow, looking up to admire the snowflakes, something Minseok constantly did when it snowed. He loved the elegant, pure white petals that layered the earth. It was a stolen picture; Minseok had no memory of Jongdae taking it. Though it wasn’t much, Minseok felt the tears coming to his eyes already.

The second picture was of the two of them the same popsicle. Minseok nearly smiled in memory of that hot summer day, when they pooled their change together just to get a single one, and when some had melted on Minseok’s fingers, Jongdae them entirely clean, just to (and it worked, much to Minseok’s embarrassment). 

The third was taken on the first day back to school. Minseok and Jongdae were posing for the camera, but Jongdae had turned at the last moment to sneak a kiss on Minseok’s cheek, caught in the photo perfectly. Minseok was smiling a little through his tears, a strange mixture of amusement and sadness overwhelming him as he saw the happy vibe in the photo.

The fourth one captured Minseok on Halloween, dressed as an angel (Jongdae was the devil). It was another stolen shot, and in itself, it wasn’t particularly special, but Jongdae had placed a piece of paper to cover a small portion of the screen below the picture when he took the shot, and you could read the words written on it, like a caption, with an arrow pointing to Minseok in the picture.

 My one and only angel, Minseokkie hyung~ <3

The fifth one, the last shot Jongdae took, was the one that tore Minseok’s heart. Minseok was making a snowman, patting the snow down gently in the photo. It was taken during their time in the first snow last winter. The day the incident happened.

Minseok’s tears came out uncontrollably, and he didn’t even bother trying to be quiet as he cried into his hands when the last photo came out of his own message on the lock at Namsan Tower.

With a bundle of flowers gripped tightly in one hand, a box in the other, Minseok walked down the gloomy graveyard with a sluggish slowness, his best attempt to delay fulfilling his purpose here. Eventually, however, he found himself in front of a neat, simple gravestone. Of course it would be like so. That’s just the way Jongdae would have wanted it—small and out of the way.

Minseok knelt down by the gravestone, placing the box down and emptying it of its contents.

“Jongdae-ah, I apologize for not coming sooner. If you’ve been watching over me, forgive your hyung for being so stupid, okay?” Minseok promised himself he was not going to cry, but the tears came down silently anyway. “I know this is not exactly what I’m traditionally supposed to do when visiting a grave, but Luhan taught me something that some Chinese families do when they want to give something to those who have passed on.”

Minseok placed the small box right in front of the gravestone. “You said that six pictures were enough to capture all of your experiences in university if you chose the right moments. So here.”

He reached for the first picture, the one of him in the snow, and placed it in the box. “The first one, which I suppose you secretly took, because I don’t recall posing for this…”

The second one, of the popsicle, went afterwards. “And the second, remember this? We couldn’t even afford two popsicles, so we shared one because it was so hot that day!”

Minseok stopped for a moment, wiping his tears with his sleeve. He took a few breaths, before continuing with the third picture, of Jongdae’s sneaky kiss. “And your third, here. You always liked to do that, didn’t you? Kissing me on the cheek, I mean. How you manage to do it at the right time mystifies me, you know.”

Then the fourth one, with the angel caption. “And this one! You’re so cheesy, yet this is so beautiful, I can’t even… Jongdae-ah...”

Minseok shook his head gently as more tears began to fall down. They turned into ugly sobs, and Minseok’s entire frame shook as he cried into his hands.

It took a few minutes for him to calm down, before he was able to pick up the fifth photo, of their snow day. “Jongdae-ah… this is the day you saved my life. The day you also left this world. I can’t really say much, I- I think I’ll break down if I do.”

Minseok sighed heavily. “There’s a lot I’d like to say to you, but I’ll keep it simple. Jongdae, you are no longer here anymore, but you will forever reserve a place in my heart. I know, because it is in your personality, that you will want me to move on. And I will, I promise. I’ll move on, but I will never forget you, Kim Jongdae, because you were my first love and gave me more than I could ever ask for.”

“So, when I’m done with the photos, I’ll decorate your grave with forget-me-nots, because to me, you’ll always be here.” Minseok tapped his chest where his heart was, and gave a weak smile.

“When I found your Polaroid, there was one last use in it. I hope you don’t mind, but I remember how you used to complain that Suho and Lay got to put locks at Namsan tower and we didn't. I went there myself and placed one for the both of us, and used the last photo to take a picture of it so you can take it with you. Here you go.”

And with shaky hands, Minseok placed the sixth and last photo into the box. With one last look at the message on the lock, he closed the box.

Just like how Luhan had told him to, Minseok set flame to the box, watching it burn. In some Chinese traditions, Luhan told him, that was how they gave things to those deceased. As the flame went out, Minseok placed his forget-me-nots all around the grave, decorating it carefully. And with one last look, Minseok turned and left, satisfied with the last simple and short message he had sent to Jongdae.

Jongdae,

I will never forget you.

Minseok + Jongdae

Namsan Tower 2013