You’re just like Christmas Day

He used to always tell me that. He used to say that while my hair as we lay next to each other in front of the fireplace.  He used to kiss my forehead and hum sweet melodies. He used to hold me close and caress my cheek.

It hurts so much as I lie in front of the fireplace alone. My whole body aches as I hum his sweet melodies. It tortures me as I hug myself to feel warmth. It pains me as I faintly hear his voice telling me, “You’re just like Christmas Day.” My body trembles as I let out a single tear.

“I miss you so much,” I choked out. My eyelids hang low, sleep creeping up my back. I open my eyes widely to keep myself from falling asleep. What if you come to me when I’m sleeping? But I know that’s not true. He’s thousands of miles away and he wouldn’t even spare the time to come visit anymore. He even has a girlfriend now; there was no reason for him to visit me anymore. We broke up two years ago. He has absolutely no reason to come back.

For someone who always made me smile, every thought of him makes me want to kill myself to get rid of those memories.

His song plays in the background. Sometimes I think he made that song for me and our life together. The lyrics even match my thoughts. It’s like he’s singing them to me.

~*~

The morning I opened my eyes in heart fluttering excitement
it’s like the feeling of untying the ribbon of a present
every single day of getting to know you

The twinkling lights that decorate the streets
among those, your eyes are especially like the star light
As if you’re melting in my arms, you come into my embrace

What if you come to me when I’m sleeping?
So I stay up all night, all night in a white daze

Just like the Christmas day that I’ve always waited for
Just like the Christmas day oh! When I think about you
I get excited like a kid just like those days, just like that time
you’re just like Christmas day

In the long and cold season
only you are the warmth that remains inside my coat
I’m getting filled with only warm memories (so warm)

The white miracle that falls from the once dry sky
It seemed like it wouldn’t come true
the prayer that I was so desperate for even in my dreams

When I opened my eyes in the morning, like the snow outside the window
you silently fell all night, all night

Just like the Christmas day that I’ve always waited for
Just like the Christmas day oh! When I think about you
I get excited like a kid just like those days, just like that time
you’re just like Christmas day

Just like the Christmas day that I’ve always waited for
Just like the Christmas day oh! When I think about you
I get excited like a kid just like those days, just like that time
you’re just like Christmas day

You’re just like Christmas day

~*~

I roll to my side, clutching my stomach as I let out a pain stricken cry. “I loved you so much,” I cried over and over again. I slid the cold steel over my exposed stomach, biting my lower lip to muffle the groans. Blood dripped out of my cut and onto the floor as tears ran down my face. I cover my cut with my hand in order to ease the pain, only to cover my arm with blood.

This was my relief every Christmas without him.

I continued to cut myself and watch the dark red substances drip to the ground.  Tears of pain and sorrow cascade down my face and join the puddle of blood. He told me he loved me. He showed me his love. But now that he’s gone I realize that I was only a toy. Three years of loving him means three years of being played with. And yet my love for him still grows whenever I see him perform. He’s living his dream.

Next thing I knew, my whole body was covered in cuts and I was lying on the floor, staring at the ceiling, trying to catch my breath. I could feel the pain slowly ease as my heart beat slows. My breathing is labored and I found it hard to breathe. The song played on repeat and I begin to recall our memories.

The first time we met was very vague. I remember taking pictures of an empty park when my camera caught sight of him. He was looking up at the sky while the wind blew his hair out of his face. He was irrefutably handsome, with his pale skin and curly dark red hair. His gaze came in contact with mine. He smiled at me. While my heart pounded on my chest, I figured that I was in love. It was love at first sight.

Our first date was the best date ever. He took me to the Han River and we watched the lights together. I brought my camera of course, I was a photographer. I took pictures of that amazing night, many of him. Those pictures were hung up all over my apartment, causing me pain yet a smile on my face whenever I look at them.

Our first year anniversary was indescribable. That day he took me out to the movies and we watched a romance movie. He kept on telling me that he loved me. If only I knew it would end up like this, I wouldn’t have gone home with him that night because he took it all away that night.  That night, he claimed me as his, my whole body was his. We made love that night. He took my first.

Our second year anniversary was when he took me to our hometown in Korea. Even though it was our second year together, that day was the first time I had met his parents and family. They liked me, he assured me. I then took him with me to visit my parents’ grave. He met my parents for the first time also. I cried that day. I wish my mom was there to tell me that he was a mistake. We stayed for two more weeks before going back to the States.

Our third year anniversary was the one that I remember clearly. He told me that he had to work overtime that day so I had waited for him. But since it was our anniversary, I decided to surprise him at work. When I was there, his co-worker told me that he already left an hour ago. He lied to me. I tried to call him over and over again but he wouldn’t pick up. That’s when I saw him in a café with another girl, their lips locked together. I didn’t need an explanation. I just left and never talked to him again.

Now he’s in Korea, promoting with his band EXO. She’s there with him too, they were engaged. It’s like he forgot everything about me. He most likely did. I was only a toy. Children leave and forget their toys behind as they grow. It was the same with me and him. He had grown out of his toy. He needed me no longer.

I smile at the ceiling as my eyes slowly begin to close. His image pours into my blank mind and I could’ve sworn I heard the door open. I was picked up and I chanted, “I’m just a toy” and “I’ll be forgotten.” The intruder held me close. I thought of him.

Another layer of tears run down my face. I remember him my hair as we lay in front of the fireplace together. I remember his beautiful voice and sweet melodies. I remember his radiating warmth and his loving kisses. I remember the way that he soothingly my hair.

My vision became dark. My hearing became mute. My senses became dull. My soul was being drained.

I was dying.

He rushed home. Their home.  He had not wished for their relationship to end, let alone end in such a tragic way. He missed her, so very much. He missed all of the memories they would make together, he missed those nights where they would just lay in each other’s arms, he missed those Christmas nights where he would hum those sweet melodies in her ear, hold her close to him, and kiss her with all the love he had. Missing one Christmas was enough.

Just now he arrived to the States from Korea. He rushed out of the airport immediately. He caught a cab and payed the driver extra to speed. But he did not expect home to be like this.

When he landed in front of their home, the door was open and he could hear cries muffled by loud music. The song that he dedicated to her played on repeat. He cautiously opens the door and walked in. The interior was filled with pictures, hanged, posted, pinned, some even thrown on the floor. It made his chest clench with sadness. But that didn’t stop him from still trying to find her.

He froze upon seeing her. She was lying on the floor in front of the fireplace, in the exact spot they use to lay together every year, covered in blood. There were enormous amounts of blood surrounding her pale body. It was when he got closer did he notice her body was covered in cuts and slashes.

“No,” he choked out. He crouched down and wavered his hands around her body, not knowing where to touch her so that she doesn’t feel much pain. Little did he know she was already numb and close to death. He looked into her eyes, they have lost color. It was a faded black and the pupils were bloated. They were lifeless.

Not being able to restrain himself anymore, he hugged her, staining his clothes with blood. “I’m just a toy,” she chanted. “I’ll be forgotten.” He figured she was talking about him. That she was his toy and that she’ll be forgotten by him.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered into her ear. He wanted to tell her, but he knew that would break her heart even more. It was when her voice softened until she completely stopped talking that he let her go, tears escaping his eyes.

It was true that he once loved her. It was true that every Christmas they spent together was in front of the fireplace with him telling her that she was like Christmas Day. It was real when he made love to her.

She was never a toy to him. He also never forgot her. Every single day, promoting and performing, he would think of her. He would think about how she was doing now and if she’s living life well without him. He would recall those beautiful memories they had together. He would have her image in his mind 24/7. Breaking away from her was the most painful thing he had ever done.

But he found the one for him, that one day. On their third anniversary, this girl, so beautiful and sweet, walked into his office. He fell in love instantly, also forgetting about the one he was about to leave behind. He took her out on a date. He kissed her. He found the love of his life.

He had written her a letter, but never had the courage to ever send it. He wanted to tell her himself. But... he couldn’t now.

Hey there, it’s me here. I just wanted to write something to you. I wanted to tell you I love you. I wanted to tell you that although you think I don’t know you exist, I do. I know all those nights you’ve stayed up to get me to notice you. I know about all the arguments you’ve had with your parents to see me. I know. I thank you for this. For all the ridiculous amounts of money you’ve spent to see me, and it’s insane. I know about all the friends you’ve made through me and I think this is the most beautiful thing in the world. In fact, darling, I think you are the most beautiful girl in the world. I love you more than life and I want you to know that the hugs you wish you could share with me, I want to share with you too. I wish I could be with you to spare all those hours you’ve sat restless to for something an minuet as a wave from me. As much as I love you my darling, there is something I need to tell you. I want to share with you that I’m in love. I’m in love with a girl and she is not you. I love you too though; I will always love you too. I would not be where I am without you but this girl, she makes my heart flutter. You do too. But she is the one for me. I know this shatters your heart, and there is probably a tear escaping your pretty oval eye but I’m hoping you can muster up a smile for me darling. Because my happiness is your happiness, isn’t it? This girl is the one for me. I’ve said that but I truly mean it. One day, there will be someone who makes you feel the same way I do. He will make your heart flutter and your cheeks go bright red just like they do for me. But there will be a deep sinking feeling in your stomach of true love. Darling, you don’t feel that way about me do you? I’m sorry if I said I love you too and got your hopes up, but I really do love you. I know he will mean more than you than I ever did. Please find him and embrace him. I will always love you darling, and I know you will do the same. I hope you find the one for you can stay up until 3 in the morning talking to in the dark. Because I’ve found the one I can do this with, you deserve it too. You’re more than just a fan to me darling. You too, are my sunshine.

                -Your sunshine

But she would never understand, for she is blinded with her own fantasies. She does not see reality. She is stuck in the present with her own blinded love for him. She was just a fan.

Their relationship was never real.

He never met her.

 She never met him.

It was her own mind that led her to death.

(A/N): The letter is not mine. I found it while scrolling through instagram. That letter was the one that gave me the idea and i convienitly happened to be listening to Christmas Day by EXO. Sorry if it hurt any of you. I pretty much cried all night about this. heh heh.... Anyway, i'm hoping to get another spare time next week to finish and upload the next chapter in Giving up. Thanks so much for reading this sad story. Don't kill me!

If you didn't like it or it hurt you too much, please comment below and I'll take it down. Thanks!