The next morning is not a peaceful one. Yoongi wakes up to Jungkook perched over him like he's looking into a fish tank. He is startled, and so is Kookie and he replays the events of the previous night in his head quickly.
"Jungkook, what are you doing standing over me like that?"

"I'm sorry, hyung." Jungkook looks sheepish.

"I just..I saw you last night in Hoseok-hyung's arms when he carried you in, and I got worried. You looked so pale..Are you okay, hyung? I know I'm only your dongsaeng, but you can talk to me." Yoongi tries not to let the tightness in his throat worsen.

"I'm okay, Kookie. Yesterday was a little weird for me. Hoseok and I had a talk, but I'm okay. Don't worry so much, okay? You'll give yourself wrinkles at any early age." Kookie laughs when Yoongi ruffles his hair.

"Okay, hyung. Thanks." Yoongi even manages a thin smile for Jungkook's sake, but when he heads downstairs in the morning to weigh himself, a ritual he has developed, he finds that the scale is gone.

The feeling of panic that washes over him when he realizes it is missing should not be so strong. The absence of the scale should not make him feel like he's going to drown, like there is not enough air for Yoongi to breathe, but it does. Yoongi is breathing shallow, quick breaths and looking everywhere he can think of for the scale. Not knowing how much he weighs is killing him. He ate that food yesterday and he probably has gained five pounds, maybe even ten. The thought paralyzes him. He can feel his arteries, full of fat. 

Suddenly, he thinks he might know of someone who knows where the scale is. 

He doesn't even knock before entering Hoseok's room. Jin has already left but Hoseok is still asleep, and Yoongi shakes him awake. Hoseok mumbles sleepily before opening his eyes to look at Yoongi. When he sees him standing there, struggling to control his breathing, he already knows what Yoongi is going to ask.

"Where'd you put the scale?"

"Well, good morning. Anyway, I threw it away." Yoongi can feel his heart stop. He laughs nervously.

"No, you didn't, Hoseok. Quit playing around. Where did you put it?" Hoseok sits up, looking very seriously.

"I need you to listen to me, Yoongi. I put it in the trash. It's gone. It's not out there anymore. The garbagemen took it. We don't have a scale. You can't weigh yourself. And that food you ate yesterday didn't make you gain twenty pounds, you're going to be fine. Do you understand?" Yoongi is trying to listen to Hoseok's words. He hears them but they are muffled, his heartbeat is so loud in his own ears, he can't breathe. He wants to never eat again, he wants to work out for five hours, he wants-

"Yoongi!" Hoseok shouts. It's just loud enough to yank Yoongi out of his thoughts. "Stop. Come lay here with me." He pats the bed beside him.

Yoongi isn't mad at Hoseok, not for the talk yesterday or for kissing him or throwing out the scale, because in his mind, he knows all of these things are necessary, and he really would like to thank Hoseok instead of having breakdowns every three seconds. He lays down beside Hoseok because Hoseok has always been relaxing to be around. 

Yoongi tries not to think about it, tries not to let his hands wander to his rib cage and his hipbones and his collarbones, but it happens anyway. Hoseok snatches his hand away, holds it in his.

"Logically, why do you need the scale?"

"I need to weigh myself." Yoongi answers easily, like Hoseok is dumb.

"Do you really need to? Why?"

"To see how much I weigh, or if I've gained any weight."

"Why is your weight so important?" 

"Hoseok, we're idols. We can't just let ourselves go.."

"That wasn't my question. Weight isn't just weight to you, Yoongi. What is it?" Yoongi bites his lip hard enough to taste blood.

"My whole self worth." 

Hoseok feels like his stomach has been put through a shredder.

When they had just met, Yoongi ate all the time. He didn't stuff his face, but he ate, just like any normal teenage boy would, and he didn't even check the calories on the box, and he didn't weigh himself every single day, three times a day, and his clothes hung off of him because he bought them that way, not because he was so thin that they had become big on him.

His smile was bigger and brighter, his eyes becoming crescent moons. He cooked for Hoseok and Namjoon sometimes and he was very fun to be around and he played games and sometimes at night they'd all share their worries about becoming idols or maybe never debuting at all.
After they debuted, Yoongi was called handsome by a lot more girls but his smile was thinner and he was paler and he slept a lot more. Hoseok worried he was ill and when they got weighed to make sure they were sticking to their diet, the noona who weighed them congratulated Yoongi and told them all to strive to be like him. 

Fans wrote letters worrying about Yoongi's health and how much weight he had lost and Yoongi always got rid of them before the others saw, always smiled sweetly at fansigns when the girls called him oppa and told him to eat well and told that he was, in fact, eating well and that they shouldn't worry so much.

But Hoseok had seen him skipping meals, seen him taking out his trash, and how could one person accumulate that much trash so quickly? How? 

Nothing added up and Hoseok felt like he was in math class all over again, numbers upon numbers with signs and parentheses and he couldn't solve the equation, because he didn't even know what the signs meant.

One time he had found Yoongi's lyric notebook, and flipped through it. Lines upon lines were scribbled out but poorly, weakly. Hoseok could still read the lines and they were about skeletons, infinity, being light and dainty and revered and Hoseok couldn't think about anything else for the next three days. Taehyung kept asking where his head was at, and he didn't even know how to answer that.

"I think our groupmate has an eating disorder."

"I think Suga is depressed."

Neither seemed very gentle or wise and Hoseok just said that he was trying to think of song lyrics, that the feeling of performing had inspired him. Taehyung had smiled, his eyes crinkling. 

"It's wonderful, isn't it, hyung?" Taehyung had said, patting him on the back before he left, and then Hoseok was left with his thoughts again.
He searched symptoms of eating disorders and watched Yoongi carefully, like a detective. He seemed to have some and others he didn't have at all, but something was off about him. The others didn't notice, but Yoongi was always too specific, explained himself too much.

If he refused dinner, he explained the details of a severe pain he was experiencing in a specific location and how long he had been feeling it, and Seokjin had gently suggested making a visit to the doctor's office.

Yoongi had paled so visibly that he was now the color of moonlight and Jungkook had echoed Jin, saying that a doctor's visit probably was a good idea. Yoongi had laughed, a quick cover.
"Daegu men don't need doctors." Namjoon scoffed and then Taehyung spoke with a full mouth.
"It's true, you know." The table pretended to hum in affirmation.

"Your weight is not your whole worth, Yoongi. You are worth so much more. The number on the scale is just a number. Yes, we can't let our weight get out of control because we're idols, but we do not need to obsess over the number. It is a thing about us, but isn't us. I mean, I've been your friends for years, Yoongi. I know who you are as a person and I love your personality. I love you. If you gained some weight, do you think I'd leave? Do you think I'd give up such an important friendship over a few double cheeseburgers and twenty pounds? No. I'd worry about your health, but honestly I do that enough now. And you know what else?" Yoongi's eyes were closed, taking in Hoseok's words.

"What?" He said.

"You're the lightest member in Bangtan. You have no competition." Hoseok whispered. Yoongi's eyes widened.
"Am I really?"

"Yeah, I checked the profiles. So you have no one to beat, Yoongi. No one." He kissed Yoongi on the cheek.

"Okay, Hoseok.Okay."

"If you think you can manage...I won't force it but...Do you think you can eat lunch with me? A small lunch." Yoongi took a deep breath, looking at Hoseok uncertainly.

"I suppose...I could try."