Yoongi was in eighth grade when he learned that babies have excess fat so that they can stay warm and protected. At the time, it had seemed perfectly reasonable and he even found it kind of amazing that the body knew what to do to protect itself. 

 

Now, when Yoongi thinks about it he laughs. Fat doesn't protect anymore. It makes them more susceptible to people's comments and insults, and as their bodies grow bigger, their smiles shrink.

 

He saw idols on TV, saw their abs and their waists that fit snugly around their ribcages until there was no more room to shrink, the way their collarbones peaked out and they were called y, and he thought they were y, too. When he was taken in as a trainee, he knew he'd have to have a body worthy of worship. It was unspoken, implied, and a vital part of being an idol. His stomach was flat, but not toned, and his cheeks were puffy. Then, Sihyuk had put out the message that they needed to tone up for debut, and everything got messed up.

 

Yoongi had never had to lose weight, and never by a specific date. He googled it. It was an innocent search on his laptop, and before he knew it, he had clicked his way into the pro-ana chatrooms, the tips and tricks forum, the pro-bulimia pages. As he looked at the pictures, he felt sicker and sicker, bigger and bigger, but he couldn't stop scrolling. He scrolled past pictures of girls with ribs popping out and their collarbones like bowls and boys with legs like matches. He scrolled with one hand while he read in horror, and his other hand felt around his bones, squeezed the flesh around them. 

 

He felt so dirty suddenly that he closed his laptop hard, as if someone had caught him looking at , and he pushed it far under his bed, as he lay back on the mattress, staring at the ceiling. The images made their way through his mind again, like they were being recycled. There was one in particular that he couldn't get out of his mind. 

 

He'd saved it to his phone. A thin, thin boy wearing a shirt that was far too big, his legs twigs below him, as he smiled. Yoongi could feel how proud he was of himself, of how little room he took up and the way shirts pooled around him. He looked at the picture with a sense of awe, like he was revering a king. 

 

Namjoon called him for dinner and he declined. Namjoon looked a little worried.

 

"Are you sick or something, hyung?"

 

"Yeah." Yoongi said it with resolve, but he was trying to convince himself as well.

 

"Are you sure you don't want to try?"

 

"Yeah, Namjoon. It's okay. Thanks." Namjoon shrugged and closed the door behind him. Yoongi felt like he was being a good hyung, letting the dongsaengs have extra food.

 

He ate the next day. He ate breakfast and lunch and then realized with a sense of horror around dinnertime that that had been a mistake. He took his dinner into his room, leaving the full table with mixed looks. Jin's motherly disapproval wafted over him like strong cologne. Jungkook looked at the others as if there was some kind of explanation for why his hyung had left.

Later, he told them he wanted to use the time to write lyrics, and he had, though they weren't the kind of lyrics  they could've used. They were about bodies like dolls and feeling light as a feather. They were about starvation but he liked to call it a diet. He slid the food into his garbage and covered it with tissues. He sprayed air freshener on it so they couldn't smell the kimchi. He took his garbage out himself and Hoseok smiled at the good behavior.

.

"Yah, Namjoon! Why don't you take out your garbage?" 

 

"Ugh, hyung! That's gross!" Hoseok sighed, but it wasn't a heavy sigh. He hadn't expected Namjoon to comply.

 

Yoongi smiled as he went back into his room. The room sharing was organized differently in their old dorm. He had his old room, while Jin and Hoseok shared one, and Namjoon and Taehyung slept in bunk beds with Jungkook and Jimin across the hall. 

He kept this up for a while. He wrote lyrics like mad but only 20% of them ever left the room. He ate less and less, counted when he did. There were days when he ate nothing at all and then excercised alone until he thought he'd fall over, dizzy as hell and walking funny, his breath coming out in shallow pants. 

 

He'd get home and fall asleep instantly, wake up too late the next morning, muscles screaming and he was so, so cold. He'd throw on the hoodies that were much to big and he'd pull the fabric around his waist and smile at the excess before he left his room.

Living hurt him, but he lost the weight. When he layed on his stomach, his ribs took all his weight, and it hurt. 

 

And Yoongi had never smiled so big.

 

Yoongi stayed up to date on the forums and shivered with a sick delight when people posted new tips on how to trick the people around you, only they never called it that.

 

 

Yoongi favorited the page.

 

 

Back in the cab, Hoseok watches raindrops fall down the window. They collide into each other, gaining weight and falling onto the ground together, one giant watery mass. He Yoongi's hair. Yoongi had fallen asleep in his lap, testing the stretching capacity of his seatbelt. Hoseok could feel and hear Yoongi's deep, even breaths. He had cried until he couldn't produce any more tears, unproductive sobs wracking his small body. In the back of Hoseok's mind, he feared, however irrationally, that Yoongi might bust into pieces. 

It is with a loud sigh that Hoseok finally speaks.

 

"Okay, you can take us home now." The cab driver does not say anything, but turns around. At some point, Hoseok falls asleep, lulled by the sound of raindrops and Yoongi's breathing. He wakes up to the cab driver shaking his shoulder.

 

"I think we're here." Hoseok rubs at his eyes, trying to reach for his wallet without waking Yoongi. The cab driver shakes his head.

 

"No. Put it back." Hoseok's eyes grow wide.

 

"No, sir, no. You've been driving us for three hours. Really, how much do I owe you?" The cab driver bites his aged lip in the moonlight. It is a high price that Hoseok owes, but he doesn't want to do this to the kid.

 

"50 dollars." He says, but really it is so much more than that. Hoseok looks uncertain, but hands the money over obediantly. He unbuckles Yoongi's seatbelt, and then his own. He whispers thank you to the cab driver, who just nods. He picks up Yoongi and carries him himself. He is light and Hoseok's arms and Hoseok tries to focus more on the ground in front of him. The lights are on in the house, and Hoseok can tell he'll be walking into a house of more than awake group members who are curious as and maybe a little angry. 

 

He looks at Yoongi who sleeps peacefully, with his eye makeup from the earlier show streaked down his face like he has cried tears of ink. He sighs and knocks on the door, using his knee. It's not very effective, but he hears someone get up very fast, unlocking the door. It is Jin, and his eyes are huge.

 

"Where were-" He begins, but then he sees Yoongi and lowers his voice. His eyes soften.

 

"Hoseok." He breathes, looking up at him. "What is this?" By this time, Hoseok has noticed that Jungkook and Namjoon are awake as well, staring at the boy in Hoseok's arms with worried expressions.

 

"Hold on." Hoseok says, without looking them in the eyes, and he carries Yoongi up to his room. He lays him in his bed and pulls the covers over him. Deciding that he cannot let Yoongi go to sleep with his makeup like this, he grabs cleansing cloth from the bathroom and wipes at Yoongi's cheeks. Yoongi's body jolts when he feels the cold cloth but he remains sleeping. When his face is clear, Hoseok leans down and kisses his forehead, and then his cheek.

 

He heads back down the stairs and looks at his fellow members.

 

"Yoongi and I just..needed to talk about something, okay? No need to worry. We needed to work it out amongst ourselves." Namjoon looks doubtful.

 

"For three whole hours? What were you working out? A new kind of mathematical equation?" Jin gives Namjoon a pointed look. 

 

"Okay, Hoseok. I'm curious as to what made Yoongi cry so much but..if it's private, then it's private. But you can always come to us if you want to talk about it, you know? We're all part of the same group, and we shouldn't have secrets." Hoseok nods solemnly. Namjoon looks like he wants to ask another question, but he decides against it.

 

Jungkook rises off the couch.

 

"Well, it made me sad to see Yoongi-hyung sad, but I guess he couldn't have gone on being so manly and detached forever, right?" Jungkook tries to smile good naturedly but it just looks thin. "Anyway, I'm going to bed. I don't want Yoongi-hyung to be alone when he wakes up, and now that he's here, I can finally sleep okay. At least, I think so."

 

Jungkook scratches his head and goes up the stairs.

"Why was Jungkook awake?" Hoseok asks. 

 

"He was worried about you two, just like we were, and he said that he couldn't sleep if Yoongi wasn't there." Hoseok nods.

"Ah." That's all he says. The tension in the room is more than strong and Hoseok kind of wants to disappear.

 

"Well, if it's okay with you guys, I'm going to go to bed." Namjoon says. "I just wanted to make sure you two got home safely. Sleep well, you guys. Good performance today." 

 

When Namjoon has left, Jin looks at Hoseok, his glare weakening him a bit.

 

"Is Yoongi okay?" 

 

"He's..challenged himself today. He's done something he's not used to doing and it kind of upset him. We just needed to be alone today." Jin doesn't say anything, just bites his lip and tells Hoseok he's going to sleep. Hoseok nods, and then, without even thinking about it, hugs Jin tight. Jin seems to understand that Hoseok needs it, and he hugs back, his hand flattening down Hoseok's hair. When they pull away, the air is suddenly calm, and then they go their separate ways. 

 

Hoseok makes it out to look like he's going to sleep, but then he heads back downstairs and into the bathroom, where the scale is.

He throws it in the trashcan outside and then lays his heavy head down on his pillow, falling asleep before he even registers that he is in bed.