You opened your eyes reluctantly as Woohyun softly nudged you in the shoulder. With a low moan, you turned over, curling even deeper in the sheets. Woohyun’s scent lingered faintly on them and you burrowed closer, hoping to sink into the warmth offered to you—a warmth unfortunately missing from the owner itself.

”_______-ah! You can’t stay here forever.” The nudge came sharper this time and Woohyun lost his patience. “You need to go to class. Get up!”

You shook your head, pulling the sheets up to cover your head entirely. Woohyun’s frustrated voice was a mere muffle beneath the coverlet and you squeezed your eyes shut tightly, grateful for the temporary quiet. Ignoring Woohyun’s pleas, you let yourself drift off into a light sleep, willing the images to return to you.


Everyone deals with grief in different ways, and for you, the best solace was found in the unconscious. The dreams that came to you during the dark hours of the night were both a boon and curse, depicting a reality that had been stolen from you these past three months. In these dreams, you had Hoya again, his smiles and laughter the same way it had been for as long as you could remember. When he was back with you, you two took trips together just as you always had— to the ocean, into the city, or sometimes just staying in comfortably in your apartment, feet propped up and hot chocolate warming in your hands. It was only in these dreams—these beloved hours of every night— that you found yourself happy again. But the voice echoing in your ears now didn’t belong to Hoya and you protested lightly as Woohyun pulled the covers off of you. This time he was the one ignoring you as he tossed a shirt over your revealed form. You the soft material and gazed up at him, your expression shuttered. The look he gave you back was adamant.

"Hoya would be disappointed if he saw you like this," he told you. A tight smile graced your features and you slowly sat up. Woohyun averted his eyes as you pulled your sleep shirt off over your head and replaced it with the one he gave you.

"Are you disappointed in me?” you asked, patting the garment in place. You ran your hand through your tangled hair, deducing that you’d have to at least wash that before you left. Woohyun sat down in your place as you rose from the bed and headed towards the connecting bathroom.

"I understand you," he answered. You left the door open and his eyes trailed after you as you leaned over the bathroom sink, scrubbing the strands of your bedraggled hair. "And I’m worried about you."

"You don’t have to be," you reassured him. "My grades are still up. I still eat. I still bathe. I’m perfectly normal."

"But he’s not here." Woohyun said. The resigned sadness of his voice drifted over to you and you paused in your scrubbing. Glancing over to him, you saw that his head had lowered, his gaze on his hands where they wringed in his lap.

"I’m your friend and I love you more than you sometimes deserve—" You scoffed but he continued— "But I can’t replace the one who left."

You turned the faucet off. “You don’t have to,” you murmured. The words were so soft in the air that you didn’t think Woohyun had heard you. But he did. He looked up at you and you met his piercing, thoughtful gaze.

"Will you come back later?" he asked. "I can pick up some donkatsu on the way home from work."

You shook your head. “No, I need to get my stuff from the apartment.” Turning back to the mirror in front of you, you picked over your appearance critically until you finally deemed it was fit for public consumption.

A worried expression appeared on Woohyun’s face. “Do you want me to go with you?” he asked.

You laughed lightly. “You can’t miss work,” you reminded him. “I’ll only be gone for a few hours. Don’t wait up.” You flicked the light off in the bathroom and stepped back inside the bedroom, heading for the closet.

"Do you have any jeans I can borrow?" you asked.

Woohyun sighed. “Why not?” he answered resignedly. “You’ve borrowed everything else.”

"I love you."

"I know."

—

As you turned the key in the lock, you took a deep, calming breath.  You’d reminded yourself earlier that Hoya’s schedule, just like yours, shouldn’t have changed too much in these past few months. There was no way he’d be home now. Since it was still the middle of the semester, he was just as beholden to classes and work as you were, and as you were currently skipping the Korean literature course you shared with him, there was no reason for you to feel worried that he’d be there waiting for you. He was such a perfectionist and adamant about education that he often despaired of your slightly less-than-reverant attitude. You admitted your faults in that department, but for days like today, you were grateful for it.

You pushed the door open quietly and felt blindly for the light on left wall. Flipping the switch on, you winced as the bright white instantly suffused the entire area of your apartment, bathing every nook and cranny with its pearly luminescence. Obviously, Hoya had replaced the bulb recently. Unlike you, who liked using bulbs until the very moment their last spark fizzled (you wanted your money’s worth, after all), Hoya was the type to replace them as soon as they dimmed even a fraction less than they were originally. You shook your head slightly and strode purposely towards your bedroom at the end of the hall. Sliding the light-woodened panel open, you went inside.

You weren’t surprised to see that nothing had been touched inside the room; Hoya wouldn’t have done so willingly. The cardboard box you’d been carrying under your arm you placed onto the bed’s surface. Going over to your closet, you opened it and started pulling the clothes off the hangers, folding and tossing the essential ones you wanted to keep in the box. The rest you would throw out later. With adrenaline pumping through your body, the task finished sooner than you expected and you glanced at the rest of the room, mentally scanning for anything you wanted to take with you.

Your eyes fell on the framed photographs on your desk and you swallowed hard. No, there was nothing else you wanted to take with you. You turned for the now-heavier box on your bed and hefted it into your arms, heading back out into the hallway. Truth be told, your time in the room had been shorter than the time it took you to get here in the first place. If it was guilt you were feeling, you pushed it aside willfully.

But less willingly, you felt your footsteps slowing as you neared Hoya’s room. The door was closed off, as you expected it would be, but you didn’t need it to relive every facet of the room in your imagination. You’d been in there enough times that it was practically half-yours.

You set the box down on the ground and pressed your hand against the panel. Hoya may have had enough honor to not trespass on your space, but you held no such outstanding qualifications. You slid the door aside easily and stepped inside his room.

If it was the last thing you could have of him, you would enjoy every stolen second.

It was like stepping into the past. The neatened bed, the sheets barely ruffled; the stacked piles of books and comics organized on sky-high shelves; the collection of hip-hop music and CDs— all of it was the same as it had been when you’d left only three months ago. Truthfully, you shouldn’t have been surprised. It was only the hearts of people that changed, not their way of living.

Your fingers lightly caressed the purple plush blanket folded carefully over the end of the bed and you recalled when you’d given it to Hoya for his birthday two years ago. He had been surprised and ecstatic at the present, loudly proclaiming to everyone within hearing that the lavender shade was the perfect compliment for his eyes and, of course, he was going to sleep with it every night— winter, spring, fall, and summer. You’d laughed at him but he’d been completely serious, pledging on his life that it would never leave his side.

And even now, it seemed like it hadn’t. You dropped your hands to your sides and looked helplessly at every corner of the room, willing the beautiful memories to soak deep into your brain and stay there forever.

The door sliding closed behind you was the only warning you had before Hoya’s incisive voice cut across your senses.

"So Woohyun was right," he mused. "You were here."

You sighed, feeling the pinpricks of betrayal eating at your heart. “Woohyun is a traitor,” you grumbled. Hoya regarded you coolly, his displeased expression unchanging. After a silent moment, you asked him, “Why aren’t you in class?”

Hoya snorted. “And miss your sneaky return? I wouldn’t dream of it.” You gripped the edge of the desk as he approached you. Something about the look in his eyes made you nervous and you felt yourself backing up until there was no space left. Flush against the wall, you held your breath as Hoya placed his hands on either side of your head, effectively trapping you in.

You your lips unconsciously and saw as Hoya’s gaze dropped to them briefly. Your heart thudded but the gesture only lasted a second before Hoya raised his eyes and looked into yours directly. You were struck anew at how mesmerizing a color his eyes were— eyes you’d seen in every expression imaginable— happy, sad, grieving, laughing, curious, absorbed, arrogant, flirtatious, joking— until it had been seared in your heart.

"How’s Daehyun-ssi?"  you asked faintly. Hoya’s expression clouded and you suddenly felt as if you’d said something very wrong. But if he thought so, he didn’t show it. Hoya didn’t move away from you, his gaze intent as it stayed locked on your face. The way his eyes searched yours was as if he was waiting for an answer to something— something you weren’t sure you understood.

"We broke up," he said, finally.

Your eyes widened. You hadn’t been expecting that. “Why?” you asked him. “You were so good together.” Even now, in this unusual moment, your protective friend instincts were kicking in and taking over. “Did he hurt you? Did he say something to you?”

Hoya lifted a finger and pressed it firmly against your lips. “Stop,” he said. The amusement in his voice was obvious. “It was a mutual decision and one I can’t fault him for.” You raised your eyebrows curiously and Hoya smiled slightly. “It’s hard to date when your mind is filled entirely with someone else,” he explained.

You swallowed hard before murmuring, “So, it was my fault.”

"Undoubtedly, you had something to do with it." he agreed. His gaze as it lingered on your face was thoughtful. "But don’t pretend you’re completely unhappy about it, ________-ah."

At the sound of your name from his lips, you lifted up your hands and pressed against Hoya’s chest, pushing him back lightly. His arms dropped away and Hoya stepped back, letting you breathe. “If your boyfriend was threatened by another girl, and by one you weren’t even involved with, I think you had bigger problems than just me,” you informed him. You smoothly strode past him, heading towards the box you’d left on the bed.

"Come back home, _________-ah." The unexpected words, soft and cajoling, made you pause.

But only for a moment. With a sigh, you closed the flaps of the box and tucked them in together. “No, Hoya,” you said, firmly. “Don’t be ridiculous. I’ll never be able to give you what you want.”

"What is it that I want?" he asked, softly.

"Are you pretending not to know or just want me to state the obvious?"

"Both."

You gritted your teeth, not bothering to hide your impatience. Hoya stared back at you, his eyes wide and—not fooling you—deceptively innocent. “Our friendship back. Our memories back. You want the life we used to have. But,” you emphasized the last word, “I’m sorry. Things are just too different now. Besides,” you said and shrugged lightly. “You still have Woohyun.”

"Woohyun." The name rolled through his mouth as if it was poison. "You’ve been living with him all this time, haven’t you?" You nodded once and were surprised to see his jaw tighten. "So you’ll stay with Woohyun but you won’t stay with me?" He questioned.

"I’m not in love with Woohyun," you explained.  The frustration that was festering inside you was becoming more and more difficult to hold back. Why wouldn’t he just let you leave? "Being here is unfair to me."

"But, of course, it’s fair to me—the one who rejected you," he mused. You stood still as Hoya came forward to lay his palm on top of yours, the latter still resting on the box. "When I asked you to come back home, I didn’t mean just to this place," he whispered to you, "I meant come back home to me." He trailed his fingers lightly across your skin and you froze in place.

"Hoya," you said, not-so-lightly. "If you’re trying to insinuate that you like girls now… I don’t really believe you. Stuff like this," you said and gestured with your other hand around you, "it doesn’t work that way."

"I never said that I liked girls," Hoya answered. "I only like you."

"Forgive me," you said and pulled your hand away. You gazed at him in confusion. "But, I don’t really understand what you’re implying."

"It’s pretty simple, chinggyu-ah. I want you to be my girlfriend."

You blinked hard. “Hoya, that doesn’t make sense,” you mumbled, “You like boys. I’m not a boy.”

"It’s true that I’m done with the girls path," Hoya agreed lightly. "But I’m not done with you. You aren’t just any girl to me. If this is how I can keep you in my life, then I want to try it with you, together."

You cleared your throat. “Hoya, I don’t think you really understand how this homoual thing works. I’m not—”

"Love is not black and white," Hoya interrupted sharply. His gaze was piercing as he looked intently into your eyes. "People choose who they want to be with because they love them. Female, male, my best friend, my worst enemy— I want to be with the people I have feelings for."

He stepped forward then and you let him, too lost in your disbelief to protest. His arms locked around your waist and he pulled you to him, flush against him.  “And right now,” Hoya breathed against your ear, “I’m confessing to you. The most important person in my life.”

Although you understood his words, you still couldn’t drop the uneasiness in your heart. After suffering alone for so long, you weren’t quite ready to give up on your version of the truth. Hoya must have sensed your hesitancy because he immediately sought to alleviate your remaining fears.

"Do you think it’s weird that I want to be with a girl?" he asked you. "When you never thought so before?"

You shook your head. “That’s different. That was before you told me about Daehyun and after that, I thought…” your voice faltered and Hoya picked up on it.

"You thought what?"

"That it was… over. You admit this is a quite an unbelievable turn-around, don’t you?" you pointed out. "How do I know you’re not going to go and dump me for Woohyun eventually?"

"Well, that’s always a possibility. He is incredibly y."

You hissed through your teeth and Hoya laughed, squeezing you tighter. Bit by bit, you felt yourself relaxing in his arms. “What about the ?” you asked him curiously. “I don’t really have the necessary parts…”

Hoya chuckled. “I think what you have is more than necessary.” At these words, he slid a hand down to your thigh, lifting it and securing it to his waist. The move surprised you and you gasped out loud, clinging onto the front of his shirt. It would be a lie to say you hadn’t embraced Hoya intimately before— the influence of alcohol in the past was powerful indeed— but this, in the middle of the day, when you were completely sober and dealing with unreality. It was startling.

You weren’t even positive you weren’t dreaming right now.

"Between you and me," Hoya was now whispering in your ear, "we can be really creative." Your heart picked up speed as he toyed with the fabric of your jeans where they covered you. "Besides, who else knows you as well as I do? What you like. What you’ll love."

As his fingers slid sensuously beneath your waistband, you reached up to grab at Hoya’s hair firmly. You yanked hard and Hoya gasped, removing his hand from you immediately.

"Don’t tease me with a promise you can’t keep, Howon-ah," you told him. Your breathing was fast and uneven as you looked into Hoya’s heavy-lidded gaze. "I won’t go into this knowing you can’t follow through until the end. I’d rather just be your friend if that’s the case."

"Or you’ll leave me for Woohyun?" he quipped. You relaxed your grip but didn’t release him, instead bringing his head closer down to yours.

"It’s always a possibility," you breathed against his lips. Hoya smiled and lifted his hand to cup your cheek gently. He tilted your chin up and you moved forward, meeting his lips for a kiss so sweet it melted you down to your toes. You sunk your fingers in his silky hair and closed your eyes, savoring the feeling of Hoya’s mouth against yours. It was better than even your deepest dreams and you wanted it to continue on for eternity.

Eventually, Hoya lifted his mouth from yours and you moaned softly at the loss. “How about we skip the dating and go straight for the ?” he suggested, his breathing ragged. “I might as well keep my promise now.”

You shook your head and laughed. “Some things about guys never change.”

"Some things about love never change," Hoya corrected. His gaze softened. "And I do love you, ________-ah. Enough to even break up with my incredibly hot boyfriend, I might remind you."

"He really was gorgeous," you hummed. "I’d be regretting that if I were you."

His hand swept through your hair and you leaned forward, stealing another kiss from his mouth. This time, you took control, slipping your tongue in between his lips and savoring the sound of his extremely pleased groan.

"Never," he murmured between kisses. Too busy kissing him, you only hummed in response. But his answer resounded deeply in your heart.

If in the future, this relationship didn’t work out, you told yourself you’d never regret one moment of it. Because Hoya had been right.

There were no boundaries to love. No lines, no distinctions, no labels.

And they weren’t going to stop you now. Not now, and not ever.