"I like men."

You blinked hard as the man in front of you raised both his hands up defensively, as if you were going to spring at him as soon as he’d uttered the statement. But in reality, all you could do was stand frozen, taken aback by this sudden revelation. Your fingers worried at the silk of your skirt as you thought hurriedly of what would be the best thing to say in this tense silence. In the past, you had often told your friends that if something like this had ever happened you were going to be composed and serene. The very picture of acceptance.

But all you were coming up with now was… nothing.

"I like men, too?" The curious lilt to your voice made Hoya chuckle and he lowered his hands. He came towards you as you remained frozen and took your hands into his own warm ones. Hoya felt the slight tremor racking through your body and inhaled sharply. Sliding his hands down until they clasped your waist, he pulled you forward against him. Your arms automatically wrapped around Hoya’s neck and you leaned on him, drawing him closer.

"How long have you known?" you whispered. This embrace was as familiar to you as breathing and you ran your fingers through Hoya’s short hair, reveling in the feel of the silky strands. A warm glow settled in your heart as the voice inside your head whispered that this was still your Hoya. Your best friend in the entire world. He would always be so no matter what.

"A while ago, I think," Hoya answered truthfully. "My lab partner… Daehyun— you remember?" You nodded against his shoulder. "We went over to my place to study and… things just…" He paused, as if afraid to reveal the rest to you. After revealing one secret that shocked you, you could understand his hesitancy. But you were a big girl and could handle it. You nuzzled your nose into his shoulder to encourage him to continue.

"We’re going on a date this Saturday. Our first," he added. The delighted tone of his voice made you smile.

"Want to borrow my shoes?" you teased. Hoya squeezed you abruptly and you squeaked in surprise. He stepped back until you both were at a comfortable distance. Even though his expression retained the happiness of before, it was the serious tone of Hoya’s voice that held your attention most.

"Promise me you won’t do that," he said. "Don’t treat me like a girl because of this."

You bit your lip, immediately feeling apologetic. “I’m sorry,” you told him, “You know me and my mouth. It just says things.” You took a deep, shaky breath. You were doing better than you thought. “So this Daehyun… he must be quite the looker,” you said, lightly. “My best friend only takes the best.”

Hoya hummed. “I don’t know…” he teased, “I’m with you, aren’t I?”

Your mouth fell open. “YAH!” you shouted. You surged forward but Hoya danced out of your reach easily. He took off running and you shot after him instinctively. But after only a few seconds of sprinting, you stopped. You knew you would never be able to catch up to him and so you only could gaze after Hoya’s figure sadly until he finally disappeared from your sight.

You never were one for the metaphors.

—

The sounds of the bustling street impinged in your thoughts as you sat in the booth nursing your third cup of coffee. In a city as large as Seoul, finding the quaint little coffee shop had been nothing short of a godsend. A sweet little place tucked in the middle of two back alleys, it was only by sheer chance that you’d found your way to Han Jan’s doorstep for the first time. With its smooth music and inviting atmosphere, Han Jan was a sanctuary to where you’d often disappear to lose yourself in your thoughts. The grinding of the machines and the bubbly voice of the middle-aged barista was like a lullaby to you and one that calmed your chaotic thoughts. You blew across the top of your steaming cup and took a sip, eased when the warmth of the golden liquid touched your tongue.

A tinkling bell warned the arrival of a new customer and you shot the door a cursory glance. When Hoya stepped through the door— an elegant figure out of place in this quiet countrified place— you choked. Droplets of coffee spilled onto the wooden table and you groaned.

Grabbing a couple of white napkins out of the holder, you quickly blotted up the mess. It was enough time for Hoya to slide into the chair across from you and pin you down with a narrowed gaze.

"You’ve been avoiding my texts," he said. Blunt and straight to the point had always been Hoya’s style and today was no different. You tossed the soiled napkins onto the table and refused to meet his gaze.

"I’m not avoiding you," you murmured. Instantly, you realized your mistake as Hoya clicked his tongue.

"So it’s me you have a problem with.” The rising anger in his voice alarmed you and you quickly glanced around the shop. None of the other customers had noticed you yet and you intended to keep it that way. Hoya made a sharp sound of annoyance and you turned to him, meeting his irritated expression.

"I don’t have a problem with you,” you corrected, “I have a problem with you causing a scene.”

"I wouldn’t be causing a scene if you hadn’t been ignoring me for two weeks!" He leaned forward across the table until his face was several inches from your own. "How do you think that makes me feel?" he asked you, his voice low. "Especially after I… confessed to you."

"I’m sorry," you apologized. It was all you could offer him. Isolating yourself from him was cruel, but necessary. Although you told yourself repeatedly you were fine with Hoya’s confession, the truth you’d realized in these past two weeks was quite the opposite. The reason you couldn’t accept his confession wasn’t superficial; you weren’t against Hoya liking boys.

You were against that he would never like you.

Pride. Anger. Disappointment. A broken heart. You tried every minute to reconcile the feelings that overwhelmed you. In the two weeks you’d separated yourself from Hoya you’d thought about everything long and hard, constantly reminding yourself that Hoya was your best friend and deserved your unending support no matter what choice he’d made. But these words meant nothing compared to the traitorous clamoring of your heart that demanded to be heard. You were in love with Hoya and had known it for months before the confession had come. But now, it was an impossible situation.

"I want you to meet him," Hoya was telling you now. His expression was so earnest that you couldn’t say no, even when you could feel the sharp pinpricks of your shattered heart stabbing you inside. You agreed and Hoya took your hand, bringing it to his lips to press a light kiss to your palm.

"Come to Abientot at 7, okay?"

"Won’t it be awkward if it’s just the three of us?" you asked.   

Hoya shrugged. “Bring a date.”

"I don’t know anybody."

Hoya hissed through his teeth impatiently. “Are you trying to get out of this?” he asked, suspiciously.

"No," you mumbled.

"You’re a horrible liar," Hoya asserted. He pushed his chair back and stood up from the table. "Don’t worry, I’ll bring someone for you if it’ll make things easier."

You twirled the drink straw with your fingers. “Nothing will make this easier,” you said clearly.

Hoya paused. The sincerity in your tone was unmistakeable even to you and, for the first time, you didn’t regret letting a glimpse of your true feelings escape. All the anger and frustration you were feeling was making your control slip, but you told yourself it was better for Hoya to sense your feelings now than to be blindsided later.

The lines of Hoya’s jaw tightened as he stared down at your blank, shuttered expression. “Woohyun will meet you at the apartment. Don’t be late,” he said, shortly. You waved your hand in acknowledgment, refusing to look at him. You knew the arrogant gesture would annoy him and it was confirmed by Hoya’s sharply indrawn breath. Without another word, Hoya turned and walked away from you, the bell over the coffee shop’s door twinkling and signalling his departure. After he was gone, you withdrew the straw from your drink and set it onto the table’s surface. All that remained of your coffee were a few dregs and you drank them down furiously, frustrated when they only touched your lips and evaporated. You slammed the cup down on the table and covered your face with your hands.

Why weren’t you better than this?

—

You really hated clubbing. Actually, what you hated was Hoya’s insatiable desire to place himself and his entourage (which more often than not happened to be you) as close to the club speakers as humanly possible. Personally, you didn’t think there was anything enjoyable at all about being rendered deaf for the majority of the night, but since it pleased Hoya greatly to be so close to the music he loved so much, you found little ways of accepting it. Even at the cost of your precious, sensitive ears.

You glanced up at Hoya when he touched your hand lightly across the table, an unspoken signal between you both when either one of you wanted to move to a quieter spot temporarily. In this case, in meant he wanted to talk. You left your purse behind in the booth and carefully climbed over sleeping Woohyun’s outstretched legs to follow Hoya into one of the club’s back hallways. The noise was considerably lessened here, but still strong enough to mask the sounds of couples who lingered here to lovingly play just out of the public’s sight. Striding after Hoya, you caught a glimpse of one such man and his lover pressed sensually against the wall, the soft gasps and moans of their lovemaking making your cheeks turn pink.

Finally, Hoya stopped. The place he found for you was quiet, so far removed from the center of the club that the pulsing music you heard was now just a low murmur of the bass through the walls. It was perfect.

"Well? What do you think?" Hoya asked.

The question wasn’t a surprise to you; indeed, it had been expected for the better part of two hours ever since Hoya had introduced you to Daehyun for the first time. You bit your lip thoughtfully as your mind raced with possibilities of things you could say to Hoya now, things that were neither too harsh nor too true, honest but not revealing of your true feelings.

"He’s perfect," you said, finally.

Hoya’s expression softened. A spark of something unreadable flashed across his eyes and you felt uncertain of your words. Had you been convincing enough? Your heart hammered in your chest as slowly, a blinding smile swept across Hoya’s features.

"I’m glad."

Just a few hours ago, you and Woohyun had been sitting alone in one of the club’s corner booths waiting (quite) impatiently for Hoya and Daehyun’s arrival. Seeing your anxiety on high alert, Woohyun had your arm reassuringly but unsuccessfully. You were just too eager for this hellish moment in your life to come and ago.  You were only distracted from your thoughts when Woohyun reached up and grasped your chin lightly with his fingertips, turning you to face him. Looking into your second best friend’s eyes, you saw in them a mixture of sadness and compassion— sadness for the heartbreak you both knew was coming and a deep understanding that you still needed to do this for Hoya. Your bottom lip trembled as you stared at Woohyun’s face, your best friend who helped you put a name on your feelings for Hoya months ago.

"Everything will be okay," he told you quietly.  "Just bear with it for a little while longer."

And you had, until the moment Daehyun and Hoya finally appeared.

Even you couldn’t deny how gorgeous the two looked together as they stood beside one another waiting for your initial response. Light-haired and fair, Daehyun was the angel to Hoya’s darkly sinful looks, and you couldn’t help but stare in envy as your insides twisted at their combined beauty. Woohyun squeezed your hand lightly, bringing you crashing back down to earth. Embarrassed at your behavior, you muttered an apology for your dazed condition to Daehyun while Hoya looked on, the latter’s face expressing obvious mortification at your ditsy attitude. Inwardly gritting your teeth, you plastered a smile upon your face and greeted Daehyun warmly, inviting him to join you and Woohyun at your table. Daehyun agreed and soon enough the four of you had been ensconced in the club’s booth, half-shouting over the loud music and becoming increasingly drunk as drinks were served.

Well, everyone but you. Alcohol wasn’t even close to what you needed to forget this night.

Sipping at the soju Woohyun poured for you, you quietly observed Hoya and Daehyun as they interacted together across the table. Normally a  very tough, sassy personality, the Hoya you saw now was all shy smiles and flushed cheeks— a state you were sure was brought on by the way Daehyun leaned casually into Hoya’s shoulder, whispering words every now and then into the latter’s ear. Although they weren’t being overtly obvious to anyone else outside of you, the easiness of their relationship was clear. You swirled the alcohol around in your tiny glass and set it down on the table. The barely imperceptible sound it made as it clinked on the table attracted Hoya’s attention and he glanced at you. His eyes swept over the composed set of your features before he reached out to you. Touching your hand gingerly, it was the signal he wanted to talk.

Leading to you where you were now, in this dark and private hallway seemingly a million miles away.

You played with your necklace and stared up at Hoya, who was half-hidden in the darkness. “You look really happy, Howon-ah.” You smiled. “Like really, really happy.”

"I am," Hoya said. His eyes were thoughtful where they rested on you. "But I don’t think you are. What aren’t you telling me?"

You waved your hand. “I’m not hiding anything from you.”

"You are."

"I’m not."

Hoya made an impatient noise. “You always fiddle with things when you’re uncomfortable. Your clothes when you’re nervous. Your hair when you’re feeling awkward. And your necklace now,” he pointed out, “when something’s on your mind. So tell me what it is.”

Your hands dropped away from your necklace as if they’d been burned. “I’m just taking in the fact that my best friend has found an amazingly gorgeous guy that’s a thousand times better-looking than all your past girlfriends combined,” you said, not untruthfully, “I’m only surprised you didn’t find this road sooner.”

A brief smile flittered across Hoya’s face. “Envious, chinggyu? The day you look as good as I do, you can have your pick of the lot, too.”  In a very unladylike manner, you responded with a few choice words. Hoya burst out laughing, holding a hand over his abdomen.

"If only Daehyun-sshi could see you like this," you said softly. Hoya looked up curiously and you explained. "He would love to see this side of you."

Hoya stood up then and came towards you. Instinctively, you opened up to him and Hoya slid his arms around your waist, pulling you close. You rested your head against his chest and lightly skimmed with your fingertips the firm muscles of his upper torso. Years of dancing had given him the body of an Adonis and it certainly factored into the superiority of his attractiveness. Boys, girls, mothers— they all loved Hoya equally and he loved them back just as well. But very few people got to see the real Howon, the open, funny side he only showed to you and Woohyun. That was the Howon you loved the most and the one who had won your heart the day you’d both met on the train heading to your first day of university.

Hoya’s breath caressed your ear and you shivered involuntarily. “Hoya…” you began. Your voice trailed off and you heard Hoya murmur “What?” against your hair.

"Kiss me."

Every inch of Hoya’s body tensed. “Are you drunk?” he asked. There was a slight tremor in his voice and you regretted asking as soon as you heard it. But in your heart, you knew this was the right thing to do. You needed to know, once and for all, if there was anything left for you.

Even just the slightest chance and you would take it.

"Kiss me, Hoya," you repeated softly. Hoya took a step back and you let him go, disentangling from the embrace. As Hoya searched your eyes desperately, you saw for yourself the growing confusion and hurt in his own.

"What’s wrong with you?" he whispered brokenly. "Why are you acting like this?"

The question broke your heart. Because you knew, in that moment, that it was over between you.  With nothing left to lose, you exposed your heart, feeling the tears, pain, and ache you’d suffered these past few weeks, months, and years welling up inside you and tearing you apart at the seams.

"I’m so happy for you, Hoya," you said. Your voice broke on his name and Hoya’s eyes widened. "I’m really happy you found someone you really want to be with. Who makes you laugh and sing and want to do all the silly couple date things you’ve always said you wanted."

Hoya whispered your name but you shook your head, determined to continue. “You’re my best friend, Hoya, and I’ll always want that for you. That’s a given, obviously,” you laughed self-deprecatingly. You ran a hand through your hair and spoke past the unshed tears that were burning to escape.

"But, I’m in love with you, Howon-ah," you told him. "And I don’t want to be your friend anymore."

A stunned silence followed your words. Although you hadn’t been expecting a joyous response in return, neither were you prepared for Hoya to say absolutely nothing, his gaze never wavering from your desolate expression.

The words, when they finally came, were biting and furious. “You picked one hell of a time to tell me.”

You smiled, the feeling not reaching your eyes. “You always said I was a dramatic one.” Hoya’s jaw tightened and you realized this probably wasn’t the right time for humor. “Sorry.”

"Did you think I was wasting my time dating all those girls?" Hoya asked, angrily. The question surprised you and you looked at him, confused. "All those years! Why didn’t you say anything then?"

"I didn’t know then," you answered him, honestly.

"You didn’t know,” Hoya repeated. His angry expression had changed into one of disbelief. “Why is it now?” he questioned. “Why are you telling me now?”

Even though the question was spoken, there really was no answer you could give him that was good enough. Your heart and your pride were weak in the face of Hoya’s newfound happiness and you both knew it.

"I’m sorry," you whispered again. Hoya shook his head.

"I’ve only loved one girl in my entire life," he whispered miserably, "and that’s you. But, now…"

The words were left unspoken but you knew what he’d intended. Straightening your back, you plastered a cheerful smile on your lips and extended your hand to him.

"The boys are waiting for us," you told him, "We should head back."

Hoya hesitated only briefly, before grasping your hand tightly. With nothing left for either of you to say, he led you both back to the club, his grip never loosening from around yours. With every step, you pushed down the thoughts of tomorrow, thinking only of the happiness you would have tonight.

Because tonight, you would still be together.

Tonight, you would be happy.

But tomorrow. Tomorrow, you would never see each other again.