I never meant to be hurtful to you
Please don't hate me
I'm guilty enough without hearing it twice
Please don't hate me
Nothing I've done ever hurt quite this bad
And I'm sure that I will heal faster than you
Please don't hate me for this
- When We're Old Men, Yellowcard

The sky was thundering a deep loud growl as the wind ripped through the darkness. It had only started pouring down rain about ten minutes ago and yet, he didn't feel the need to move at all. He was nestled safely and contently in his spot; standing, shifting his weight from one foot to another over and over again. He wanted nothing more.

The heavy droplets fell from up above and soaked into his clothing, his hair, everything. The hair that were once perched expertly on his head were now falling loosely by his ears. It had completely lost their shape and he could only imagine that he looked like one of the three stooges if one of them had been standing in the rain for the past ten minutes now.

A flash of lightning suddenly blotted through the sky illuminating the darkness. He took the time to look down at his hands. Water droplets were falling from his long sleeved shirt onto them making them wrinkly. They were also shaking.

He was nervous. He was terrified.

As he took a deep breathe a pain shot through his chest. This was a pain that he had been trying to ignore for the past few weeks. It was almost indescribable; so severe. It felt as if his heart was on fire and every sip of air was agonizing as it entered his lungs. The more that he thought about anything that had even slightly reminded him of her, the more and more it burned.  He would lay awake in his bed at night because his mind wouldn't shut off. He was anxious, depressed, miserable; and it was interfering with his work. With his life.

And it wasn't her fault. That's what hurt him the most. That was why his ache had developed from a simple longing for her to an extraneous desire to set things straight once and for all between them.

And that was why he was here; standing on her porch in the middle of the night. Well it wasn't exactly her porch. She had been staying at beach house on JeJu with some friends. It was her vacation and she was enjoying her time off. He should have been with her.

But once again he let her down.

In one swift motion he took a step toward the door. His legs felt as if they weighed a thousand pounds but he still treaded on. He lifted his hand and pounded slightly on the door.

In his heart he was hoping that nobody had heard his knock. Then he could go home and pretend that none of this had ever happened. But deeper down he knew that couldn't happen. He had come here for a reason.

He had reached a point where he couldn't take it anymore. It was tearing him on the inside and out. The longing, the desperation, and guilt. Even thinking about it now made his arms crawl with goose bumps. Though the feeling came often he would never get used to it.

For the past five years she had done nothing but support him through everything, though they had been friends long before that. She had the girl who had looked past his awkward stage and over enthusiastic nature in school and had taken the time to get to know the real him. The funny, loveable, caring person underneath the fake "bad boy" persona that most people never moved past.  It was the one thing he could never figure out about their friendship. She was so pretty; the girl with the light brown hair, sparkling eyes, and naturally olive toned skin; just like him. He didn't consider himself to be bad looking in the slightest bit but he had also not been naïve enough to think that he was the best choice to have when they had been in school. Why had she picked him out of the all the people in Korea to lend her friendship to?

"Because when I looked into your eyes I saw someone who could give me more love than I would ever deserve."

He would never forget the cliche words that she spoke when he had finally asked her. It was under the oak tree in his background when they were just fifteen years old, right before he had kissed her for the first time. He remembered feeling almost the same as he did right now; his heart springing from his chest. Only five years ago it was feelings of joy and love. Those were now replaced with a simple agony.

Even then he had known that she was the one for him.

As he entered SM and was put in a band that broke out everywhere, she was still there; standing behind the curtains at all of their local shows. Or a swift phone call, car ride or airplane trip whenever he needed her. Sure, they were both still young, only twenty years old, but it didn't matter. He had met her at the ripe age of ten and even then he knew that she was the one for him. Love is not defined by an age.  And he knew they would make it through anything and everything. He loved her.

But he had been wrong. And she had been wrong. She deserved so much more than anything he could offer her.

He gave her his everything. And yet, through the pressures of his life, it felt as if it wasn't enough. She wasn't around all the time. As time passed it bothered him more than it should have. Seeing Kyungsoo take his girlfriends out every weekend and have the opportunity to be open and honest to the public. Or having Yixing stay up late every night talking to the girl who lived in the same town where their dorms were located; it tore at his heartstrings. He wanted her there. He wanted her with him.

He should have told her exactly that. But he knew she would have done it. She would have packed up her life and moved out to be with him before he would even finish his sentence. In the end he had convinced himself that he loved her too much to let her do that. To this day he still didn't know whether he had lied to himself that one lonely day or not.

From his left he saw the light in the living room of the house flash on. The knob twisted slowly in front him and door opened slightly.

"Who's there?" the small frightened voice asked. The sound of her soft melodic voice caused another sharp intake of air, once again causing the burning sensation in his chest.

"It's me," he replied quickly hoping not to scare her any worse.

The door opened a little more allowing more light to spill out into the dark and gloomy atmosphere.

"Jongin?" she asked surprised, opening the door even wider.

"Nara…" he couldn't help but let her name slip from his lips as he took her in once again. It had been a couple months since he had last seen her in person. She was busy with college and he had been on a tour in America trying to expand his band's audience. Her voice on the other end of the phone line did absolutely nothing to fact of actually having her within inches of his reach.

She was so much more beautiful than he remembered. Her hair was lighter, probably due to all the sun, and her eyes danced with excitement as she took him in as well. She was clad is nothing more than a large t-shirt that he recognized as his own but she had never looked more gorgeous.

"What are you doing here?" she asked tucking a long lock behind her ear. The happiness in her voice was now evident. She was so glad to see him. "I thought you were still in America." Though that phrase could have been interrupted as accusatory she hadn't meant it in that manner. She was simply curious. She trusted him with everything she had and would never once doubt him.

"I..." lied. The words had almost delicately slipped from his lips but he wouldn't allow it. He didn't want to make her upset. Not yet "We got back early."

Her face instantly showed complete happiness as curved into a smile. Her teeth were perfectly white and glistened in comparison to her, now, more tanned skin. "Come inside, you," she said lightly, grabbing ahold of his right upper arm. Her touch was electrifying on his wet, cool skin. "It's pouring."

He let her lead him into the house and waited patiently in the hallway while she retrieved him a towel to dry off. But he was procrastinating; putting off the enviable. When she returned she had pulled him into a hug not caring that he was dripping water all over the place. He took the time to wrap his arms around her and inhale her scent. She smiled like raspberries; his favorite. It was the perfume that he had bought her a couple Christmas' ago. It was the first gift that he had picked out without his mother. It made him so proud.

"Nara," he said softly pulling away from her, though he didn't want to. Her name fell so perfectly from his tongue. "We need to talk."

In all the movies those four simple words were usually death to any relationship when spoken. Yet she didn't let the smile flaunter from her face. She only led Jongin into the living room and sat him down on the sofa, hoping that the warmth was finding its way to him through his layers of wet clothing.

"Talk," she replied simply taking a seat on the couch next to him.

Her hand went straight for his. It was something she always did whenever they were together. She would take his large hands into her much smaller ones and trace over the lines in his palms. He didn't know why she did it. Perhaps to remind herself exactly how his hands were structured or just to have something to do. She was innocent and loving. She didn't deserve this.

He didn't deserve her. He never had.

For that reason he didn't even know where to begin. Should he start from the beginning? At the part where their childhood classmate Soojin had shown up at one of his band's earlier shows? He had been so surprised to see her there supporting him; considering that when they were in school together she had never even given him the time of day. He had even once confessed to her and she had brutally laughed in his face.

And now, years later, here she was.

She was stunning as she danced along to his music that night and he couldn't keep his eyes off her. When puberty came around she had been the girl that every guy tried to attain but always failed. But that night, that night he knew he finally had the chance. He re-introduced himself casually after the show and they laughed and reminisced all night long. It was happiest he had felt in a long time. The hole in his heart almost completely filled for those few hours.

And it was that night that he found a way to make the hurting and the loneliness stop. It didn't matter who the girl was or what city they were currently in. What mattered was that she was there to satisfy and comfort him and Nara wasn't. And he realized that this made him sound like a complete and total pig. And he didn't care because it was how he felt. After a while the names blurred and he was almost numb. He no longer felt the pang of love; he had all he needed.

He couldn't stop it. He had tried so many times. Thinking of Nara’s caring eyes whenever he looked in the various others was always one of the hardest things he had to face; knowing that she was across the country or even across the world waiting on him while he was disgracing her.

But he needed them more than anything. He needed that companion. He needed not to feel so damn lonely all the time.

"I've missed you," Nara whispered next to him while tucking herself into his side even though he was soaking wet.

He gulped as he looked down at the fragile girl by his side. He couldn't take it anymore.

"I cheated on you."

And there. It was finally out. After almost a year it was out in the open and, as sickening as it may be, he felt extremely relieved. Though the feeling only lasted a couple seconds before he felt her stiffen next to him. And yet, her hands continued to trace his like nothing was wrong. But her breathing got heavier and he could tell that, now, she was definitely uncomfortable.

"People make mistakes-" she started. He didn't know who she was making excuses for; him or her? He knew how much she loved him and how much he loved her. And for that reason he had to stop her.

"More than once."

And with that she pulled her hands away from his and scooted away from him on the sofa. He instantly regretted everything. Her warmth was now gone. And although they could probably move past this roadblock in their relationship he didn't want to. She deserved so much better than anything that he could offer her.

He took the chance to look to his right at her small form. When he noticed the silent tears falling from her eyes his heart shattered and he felt like breaking down as well. But he had to stay strong. If he portrayed the egotistical man that he felt then it would be easier for her to get over him. Sure, it would hurt her worse thinking that he didn't care about the damage that he was doing to her. But in the end, it would be best.

"Why," she asked through a sob. "Why?"

He gulped again before answering. "I was alone," he said quietly.

She only shook her head as her small hands now cupped her face. When she lifted her face again she looked deep into his eyes and he felt himself shiver.

"What did I do wrong?" she asked in a broken tone. Those simple words tore him apart and he felt like jumping from the couch and shouting at her.

"You did nothing wrong," he started.

This seemed to make her upset as she yelled something incoherent like "Obviously I did," before breaking down into louder sobs this time.

He wanted nothing more than to comfort her right now but he kept his hands securely in his lap. He had never once thought that one day he would be the reason for her tears and yet, here he was.

"You're perfect," he told her in a soft whisper. He wasn't sure if she heard him until her sobs quieted and she looked at him again. "You're too good for me."'

"Why did you come?" she asked him. Her tone was beyond the point of sadness at this point.

He knew what she meant. Why had he chosen to do this now? It was the middle of her break and his too surprisingly. He and his band had two weeks off and he had decided to go out to the islands last minute. He knew he wouldn't fully enjoy his time off until he spoke to her personally.

And that made him feel like a complete and total bastard. Thinking that the only way he would have fun on his time off was to break up with his girlfriend of five, almost six, years; his best friend, the love of his life. Although now he felt as if he would never be happy again he knew that time healed wounds. He was sure that he would probably heal faster than her and that scared him. Knowing that she'd be alone and broken.

That's why he picked this moment. Although he was positive he had just destroyed all her chances of a relaxing and carefree break at least she wasn't alone. She had a household full of her closest friends to help her through this.

He only had himself. And he was okay with that. He felt as if he needed the punishment. God would never forgive him for this. And, in all honesty, he would never forgive himself. He was throwing away the best aspect of his life. But in turn, he was helping her. He knew he was.

"I wanted to see you," he responded. "I needed to tell you in person."

She nodded understandingly. They both sat in an awkward silence for a couple seconds before she spoke up once again.

"I trusted you," the tone she had now was a mix of anger and regret.  He felt bits and pieces of himself shattering as he kept his breathing steady. “We’ve been together so long.”

He didn't look her in the eyes. "I know." No apologizes. He'd rather be perceived as the bad guy. It would be easier for her this way. To hate him.

"Do you love her?" her voice was so soft he had to strain to hear her. But when he did he felt his heart stop beating. "The other girl?"

He didn't have the power anymore to correct her fact. ‘No Nara, it wasn't just one other girl. I couldn't tell you how many it was.' So instead he went with a simple "No." Because he couldn't do anything but speak the truth. "I love you." The last part had just slipped out.

She nodded again. "But you're still breaking up with me." It wasn't a question but rather a statement. She had always had the ability to know him better than he knew himself at times.

He turned to her, taking her hands into his time and letting his thumb run over her smooth palms. "You need someone who can be there for you. I...I can't be that."

"I can move out to Seoul." she stated unexpectedly.

He knew this was something out of her normal character and it surprised him. Nara was one of the strongest women that he had ever met. She was ruthless and relentless when she needed to be and when anyone betrayed her. And yet here she was acting as if the conversation they had had about the other girls he had slept with had never happened. Her heart was so pure that she had already forgiven him and was trying to reconcile their relationship. He admired it; the fact that someone loved him so deeply that they overlooked even his most disastrous flaws and his biggest mistakes.

It was in this moment that he felt more whole than he ever had this year.

"You need someone who will fit into your life. You shouldn't have to mold yourself into theirs."

"But I would," she retaliated. She had always been stubborn. It was one of the many features he enjoyed about her personality. Though when it came to him she had tried to compromise on everything.  That's what love does to you.

"I know." He couldn't take it anymore. This was so much harder than he had originally thought it would be. Although he shouldn't have expected it to be easy. "Please don't hate me."

She smiled a sad smile. "I could never hate you."

He was slowly starting to realize that no matter how many beautiful and random girls he slept with that he would probably never find anyone that loved him as much as she did. And he didn't think that he would love anyone as much as he loved her.

"You should," he replied only a few seconds later.

She shook her head as she put a hand under his chin and lifted his head to look into her eyes. "Everything happens for a reason, Jongin."

He shut his eyes forcefully. He wanted to yell at her. Her view on the world was just too good. Everything does not happen for a reason because his only reason for living was her and he had completely ed it up.

His only reason for living was her.

It was amazing how an epitome can strike so quickly and cause so much damage to an already damaged soul. But still he didn't do anything. He just couldn't.

"I have to go," he said standing quickly from the sofa and walking to the front door. He heard her follow him and when he turned to face her she was crying once again.

At this point he had no idea what to say. Goodbye? See you later? He gulped as he took a step back toward her and leaned down pressing a soft kiss upon her lips before pulling away. He couldn't help himself. He was selfish. He kept his forehead attached to hers as he spoke.

"I love you. I love you so much. But you deserve so much more. I know I messed up and you have no idea how much I regret everything. But I can't go on thinking that you'll forever resent me for my mistakes. And you may not think it now but over time it'll consume you and I just can't do that to you. You need to be happy. Even if it means being happy with someone else."

He took a shaky breath as he continued. "You said once you liked me because I'd love you more than you could ever deserve. But you were wrong. You loved me more than I ever deserved." He couldn't help himself as he stole another kiss from her moist lips.

"Goodbye," he said softly as he pulled himself from her embrace and out of the door.

He heard her call his name a few more times as he strutted through the downpour and into his car but he ignored it. He had to, otherwise he would completely breakdown.

He had done it. Set out what he had to do. Yet, now that it was over he felt worse than before. People always said that time helped to heal even the deepest of wounds. But he knew that wouldn't be the case this time around. He would probably move on. He might even be happy. But deep down he'd always have that aching hole in his heart from the girl who had stolen his heart. The one who he ruined everything with. The one he loved more than he loved anyone in his entire twenty years of existence.

The one he let go.